quad, friends or is this all going to blow up?

G

gorgeouskitten

New member
So my spouse and I have made friends with this really awesome couple. All four of us click and get on really well. The husband expressed interest in me, and I tentatively agreed to date slowly (since I already have a spouse and a BF). Meanwhile, the wife and my spouse made a great connection and he likes her. She confided in both my spouse and me that she would like to date him, but is afraid to ask her husband to date men. (She dates women.) Meanwhile, she and my spouse have flirted quite a lot.

So here's the thing, knowing he holds her back from dating my husband, whom I want to be happy, makes me less interested in him, and my husband less inclined to liking him as a partner for me. Yes, it's on her to ask her spouse if she wants to make a quad (which she has thought about), but for me, having agreed to date him, I'm not sure where to go from here. Should I tell him I'd really prefer a quad, and risk ruining the friendship? If I bring it up, or just drop the dating idea entirely with him, I'm afraid we'll lose a new and important friendship. They are our first poly-couple friends.

Any suggestions, advice, experience?
 
What?

Having agreed to date him? It's not a "dating idea," it's a new partner for you. If you aren't comfortable with it, knowing there will be tension with his wife and your husband, don't do it.

You haven't signed a contract ;) Or, you know, if you have, that's cool, too. :)

If he's really that much of a jerk, that he would cut the friendship over it, is he really worth keeping as a friend?
 
If the other guy is possessive and controlling, of course its reasonable to be less attracted. A couple years ago, I invited long-time FB friends, who I knew were poly, but had never met. Instant attraction-- I was more than willing to date both. He wanted a one-penis policy, but when his wife expressed interest in my husband, he was willing to work on that. We all knew his comfort level and proceeded slowly. Well, the longer I knew him, the more manipulative he appeared, and the less attracted I was. Ultimately I broke things off with both to spare myself the drama.

She and I are good friends now, talking about maybe seeing each other again.
 
If I were in that position, I would simply plan a social event for the four of us. I like to take action. Just do it. If you think you might like a quad- plan a quad date and invite everyone with enthusiasm!
 
Last edited:
gorgeouskitten said:
So my spouse and i have made friends with this really awesome couple. All four of us click and get on really well. The husband expressed interest in me, and I tentatively agreed to date slowly (since I already have a spouse and a BF). Meanwhile, the wife and my spouse made a great connection and he likes her. She confided in both my spouse and me that she would like to date him, but is afraid to ask her husband to date men. (She dates women.) Meanwhile, she and my spouse have flirted quite a lot.

So here's the thing, knowing he holds her back from dating my husband, whom I want to be happy, makes me less interested in him, and my husband less inclined to liking him as a partner for me. Yes, it's on her to ask her spouse if she wants to make a quad (which she has thought about), but for me, having agreed to date him, I'm not sure where to go from here. Should I tell him I'd really prefer a quad, and risk ruining the friendship? If I bring it up, or just drop the dating idea entirely with him, I'm afraid we'll lose a new and important friendship. They are our first poly-couple friends.
Click to expand...

Advice/Opinion: A couple dating another couple is usually a bad idea. Too many points of failure. Keep the friendship and save the drama. They don't communicate very well, which tells you all you really need to know, if you think about it hard enough.
 
gorgeouskitten said:
She confided in both my spouse and me that she would like to date him, but is afraid to ask her husband to date men...
Click to expand...

So she hasn't actually had this conversation with her spouse? I'm not sure that is something that can reasonably be held against him if he's never even been given the chance to talk about it.

Is there a chance that he would be fine with your spouses dating? If they're poly, that would seem to be at least a possibility.

gorgeouskitten said:
Should I tell him I'd really prefer a quad, and risk ruining the friendship?
Click to expand...

I know that you have quad on the brain, but again, I think you'd be a lot more successful if you date the person you are dating instead of focusing on setting up new quads. This current situation is a great example of the problem with "team dating"-- if you took care of your relationships and they took care of theirs, you would all be getting what you want right now. Since it must precisely be a quad structure, now it sounds like none of you are going to get what you want.
 
What Marcus said..

I have always been of the "mind your own businesses and manage your own relationship" camp. Stop trying to micromanage your husband's relationship(s). He is a big boy and needs to take care of his own business.
 
Thanks, guys.

Yeah I'd think he may at least possibly be ok with our spouses dating, since they are poly. But you're right-- they haven't talked about it so I have no idea. And I agree we shouldn't hold it against him, but it's tough.

Marcus, I know, I know, I have quad brain. :confused: The problem is, I can just focus on "Oh, do I want to date this guy?" but I don't if my husband dislikes him. I know you are a firm believer of each person owning their own shit, but I do take into account if my husband is cool with the fella or not. Also, I'm already involved in a relationship with spouse inter-relationship issues and I don't want more of that.
 
monkeystyle said:
A couple dating another couple is usually a bad idea. Too many points of failure. Keep the friendship and save the drama. They don't communicate very well, which tells you all you really need to know, if you think about it hard enough.
Click to expand...

I couldn't disagree more. My wife and I are in a quad with another couple who were at first our very best friends. It is simply wonderful. Is it difficult sometimes? Yes, but that's to be expected.

Why does it seem that people who are not 100% comfortable yet with an idea or change to the relationship are so easily discarded? Why do we call it controlling so quickly? Sometimes it takes a little time to get used to something and then you can move on. I assume changes to any relationship (i.e., dating men vs dating women) are a bit easier if you are poly experienced. What's the rush?
 
Squashking said:
My wife and I are in a quad with another couple who were at first our very best friends...
Click to expand...

I don't see a problem inherent in a group of people being romantically involved with each other, even if the group consists of two couples. My issue is with approaching relating to people from a stance that "pair dating" is a requirement.

In my opinion, this is where quads, team dating, and unicorn hunters fail. They put expectations before reality and insist that groups of people relate to each other in a pre-determined fashion. People relate to each other the way they relate to each other, trying to decide this beforehand is folly and has an extraordinary chance of causing a breakdown.

Squashking said:
Why does it seem that people who are not 100% comfortable yet with an idea or change to the relationship are so easily discarded? Why do we call it controlling so quickly?
Click to expand...

It is important to note that the husband in question has not been informed that a change is even in the wings. As far as he knows, he's not in the way of anything. "Controlling" implies intent, and one can't intend to alter a situation that one is not aware of.

Squashking said:
Sometimes it takes a little time to get used to something and then you can move on. I assume changes to any relationship (i.e., dating men vs dating women) are a bit easier if you are poly experienced. What's the rush?
Click to expand...

Both of these couples are more or less polyamorous, as I understand it. I have not yet seen that there is a conflict of one person moving too fast for the others' liking. I take it that is what you are referring to.
 
there really is simple solution

next time you are hanging out with her husband, how about asking him if he has a one penis policy with his wife?

There is nothing wrong with him having such a policy, but I would agree that if he simply cannot deal with it but has it worked out to where he has sex with members of the opposite gender, I probably wouldn't want to be involved with him either

It is OK to be discriminating when it comes to your lovers, you don't need any reason other than it being your preference, if you were an employer and had an open position which he applied for, THEN it would definitely be wrongful discrimination, but that wouldn't be likely you would know such much about his private life if you were just an employer and he was just an applicant so it really is a moot point.

It's not your place to decide how he and his wife handle their relationship, but depending on the circumstances I would tend to think that engaging in activities you cannot allow your wife to engage in is not responsible behavior. Some people will continue doing whatever they can get away with, if his behavior is taking advantage of a situation, I would hope he had the integrity to quit doing that.

It's just what responsible, caring, loving people do.

If someone voluntarily agrees to give another person several thousand dollars, that is their decision, but also the person who would take what they do not deserve, the person who accepts such a gift it tends to speak volumes about their character.

If something stinks of the someone being taken advantage of, I would want to find out why before I dated them.

BUT AGAIN, it isn't wrong to be a hypocrite, but that doesn't mean you must date them
 
Last edited:
Should I tell him I'd really prefer a quad, and risk ruining the friendship? If I bring it up, or just drop the dating idea entirely with him, I'm afraid we'll lose a new and important friendship.
Click to expand...

You and Husband could also talk privately about how to handle the situation, where one of you wants to date one of them but the other doesn't. Does that nix the whole thing? Sort that out. Do it first, before talking to the couple in question.

Next, you and your Husband could talk to the potentials about the choices on the table:

1) You both could tell the husband and the wife that you would like to date him while your husband dates the wife. (This is your 1st choice preference. Romance + friendship with them.)​
​
2) You could also tell the couple you also are willing for one of you to date one of them. You just date the husband. Or DH just dates the wife. (Don't offer this if you don't have it sorted between you and Husband first. Don't put either of yourselves on the spot.)​
​
3) You both could tell them that if the dating preferences do not line up at all for anyone, you would like to be continue to be friends, because you both value their friendship, and it is important to you.​
​
4) You make them aware you also have another BF, not just a husband.​
​
You both could ask them if they are willing to date this way, and what their preferences are. Ask them if they would like go home to think on it and let you guys know in a week or so.

That gives them a face-saving chance to talk to each other in private and sort themselves out. And it gives you guys a chance to observe how they handle that.

If they get nutty, maybe you'll both change your mind about dating either or both of them. Maybe you'll put them on your "Messy people to date" list. Maybe you'll change your mind about being friends too. Who knows?

But maybe it will all work out in the end. You can't know without playing ball. You want to know things. So ask. That's the dating time is for, to get to know people better. Some turn out to be runners, some do not. You could risk being honest, and ask for what you want.

GL,
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
When one of my partners was having trouble with his girlfriend at the time over this poly thing, I asked about why she doesn't date other people, with the intention of discovering if he was demanding conditions that were not conducive to her having other successful relationships. I knew she was straight, so I knew it wasn't a One-Penis Policy, but there are other things he could have been doing that halted her chances. This would have bothered me and it wouldn't have been something I could live with.

How this relates to your thread, OP, is that if I were you, and I felt that my dating potential had an OPP that actively stopped my husband from dating his wife, I would probably misrepresent the way I felt about that. It would probably seem as though my objection was because it was super important to me that my husband dates his wife so we have a quad, when that couldn't be further from the truth. My issue would be the fact that he has such a rule, and the red flag that presents for rules he may instate in our relationship. If he needed those rules with her, but not with me, that would actually make me question why he doesn't have the same kind of fear around me. I mean, it's not a positive thing at all, but if he is scared of some guy replacing him in his wife's life, why doesn't he feel the same about me being enticed away?

Tl;dr: I couldn't accept my partner having a One-Penis Policy in his other relationships, not because it stops my other partner dating his partner, but because those sort of rules are red flags.
 
Thanks, everyone.

Well, he's irate we all (me, his wife, my husband) thought a quad would be cool, but he didn't know. He thinks I tried to set my husband up, knowing they had a one-penis policy, and was stringing him along, which isn't true. I wouldn't date someone with a one-penis policy, anyway. I think that's inherently unfair in poly, unless it's what the wife wants. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. He's placing the blame of his wife raising the man-dating question squarely on me and my husband.

It seems like the friendship is over, too. So I'm feeling pretty shitty.

Just to clarify, we did not befriend them thinking about quads. I had clicked with him, but it wasn't until my husband and his wife had a mutual attraction that it even came up.
 
The thing with that is even if the wife is okay with only dating women, it should be her choice, a choice she can change if she likes. There needn't be a rule governing it. Well not if one wishes to date me, anyway.
 
Really???

monkeystyle said:
Advice/Opinion: A couple dating another couple is usually a bad idea. Too many points of failure. Keep the friendship and save the drama. They don't communicate very well, which tells you all you really need to know - if you think about it hard enough.
Click to expand...

Really, We have been a fourple (quad) now for over 5 years. I still want to know how such a general statement can be made?
 
gorgeouskitten said:
He's irate we all (me, his wife, my husband) thought a quad would be cool and he didn't know. He thinks I tried to set my husband up knowing they had a one-penis policy, and was stringing him along, which isn't true. I wouldn't date someone with a one-penis policy, anyway, I think that's inherently unfair... unless it's what the wife wants. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. He's placing the blame of his wife raising the man-dating question squarely on me and my husband. It seems like the friendship is over, too. So I'm feeling pretty shitty.

Just to clarify, we did not befriend them thinking about quads. I had clicked with him and it wasn't until my husband and his wife had a mutual attraction that it even came up
Click to expand...

I am sorry, but at least now you know. The one-penis policy is bad enough, but flinging blame around, rather than acting like an adult, is just so not attractive. I find that behavior equally repellent.
 
I'm sorry it turned out that way. He went nuts and blamed everything on you. That's not cool. On the other hand, yay. You got to see how he was early, end it before it got deeper, and spared yourself crazy town!

Hang in there,
GG
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top