Forced to hide our poly lifestyle

[Dstone]

I cannot be open about our poly-fidelitous V life with anyone who directly knows us without risking being on the 5-o'clock news, labeled a terrible monster, while being carted off to jail. Not even many of the open-minded folks understand that a man can fall in love with a woman and her adult daughter in a poly-V kinda way. No amount of explaining or words would convince most, that our fully adult, fully consensual lifestyle is ok, and that it makes us all very happy. We are the most loving, cuddling, get-a-long family that most people have ever seen, and many tell us that they wish their family were so lucky, but those are the same people that do not know our secret.

It's funny how people can be so cruel, and turn against you quickly, simply because they don't understand. They are quick to use that cruelty to justify their less happy lifestyle, like a form of jealousy, I think. It's also not fair, and the price we pay is having to pretend to everyone in our lives that we are something we are not to each other.

When someone comes to our house to visit, they are astonished over how well we get along. And when they ask, "Oh, is this your stepdaughter?" I reply with "NO!" And I don't treat her as such. She is an adult, and her own person. It's funny how our lifestyle is so taboo, yet a woman can be in love with her husband and his adult son, or her husband and his brother. It's also not nearly as taboo for a man to love his wife and his mother-in-law, or his wife and her sister, or even a wife and a sister-wife, but OMG!!! A MAN TO LOVE HIS WIFE AND ADULT STEPDAUGHTER! SUDDENLY, NOW HE IS A SICKO!!! and they are, for allowing it.

Well I am here, posting openly, our lifestyle, the good, bad, and ugly of it, because I think people should know there are successful, happy poly-V families in our situation. I have met quite a few over the years, and they are just as happy as us, but just like us, they have to hide it, too.

I will start by saying that we, as a family, feel we are outsiders that the world is not ready for, so we live our life quietly, getting brave and open only on the rare occasions when we know no one who knows us is around.

It's fantastic that most poly people are open about who they are, and not labelled heretics for what they do, and I see a lot who brag about their openness. So my question is for those who do have to hide their relationships totally. How do you cope with having to hide who you are to other people, when you are standing right next to your significant other(s)? How does this effect you, or them, long term?

I know this just eats me up inside sometimes, especially when someone says to ZF, "How come you don't have a boyfriend yet?" I can tell that question always gets under her skin.

 

[bookbug]

I get it. I imagine many people get the situation crossed connected with an incestuous relationship, despite the fact that you are not the biological father, nor from the sound of it had ever acted as a parent to the adult daughter.

But hey, even though you all can't be "out," you three are very fortunate to have forged such a happy relationship.

When I was involved in a live-in V (lasted until our hinge passed away - a couple of decades), we also were not out due to job situations. That said, we would occasionally take vacations where no one knew us and flaunt our three-ness with abandon. It was both fun and therapeutic.

 

[Dstone]

I get it. I imagine many people get the situation crossed connected with an incestuous relationship, despite the fact that you are not the biological father, nor from the sound of it had ever acted as a parent to the adult daughter.

But hey, even though you all can't be "out," you three are very fortunate to have forged such a happy relationship.

When I was involved in a live-in V (lasted until our hinge passed away - a couple of decades), we also were not out due to job situations. That said, we would occasionally take vacations where no one knew us and flaunt our three-ness with abandon. It was both fun and therapeutic.

Maybe we need to do that more often then, and it would be a nice change. Go outside our community, like on a cruise, perhaps, where no one knows us as a three, setting ourselves up as such. We have done this before, but it has been a long while.

Yes, we are very lucky to be so happy together, but it gets under your skin when there is always that friend, or co-worker, or neighbour, always trying to have ZF "meet" someone, because they think she is without a significant other. She stomps her feet at them and tells them she wants no one in her life like that, but most do not understand, are persistent anyway. To the outsider, she is the "very beautiful," "very single" gem that just hasn't been swept off her feet by some guy yet. Believe me, there are many who try, everywhere she goes. It's ridiculous sometimes. Why are there so many people that see a presumably "single" female and think she has to be attached, anyway?

Well, in a week or three, I will be home full time with her, and all who know us will see that we are together more, guessing, wondering what happens behind closed doors, I am sure, knowing BB is away, so this makes for a new question, along with what I asked earlier: should we tell them we are close, she loves me, and I love her, but we are not "intimate," just are everything else, short of that one detail? Do you think that would work?

 

[LovingRadiance]

I always suggest to consider the functionality of living in such a destructive environment for life. Big changes can't usually be made immediately. But little changes (like planning vacations and considering possible other places to live in 5-10 years) can be done. Those little things can help.

Using an unrelated example, due to medical issues, Alaska is a terrible place for me to live. I need to move somewhere warmer. But it's not a reality today. But just making small steps towards that (like researching places and saving a few dollars a month) helps alleviate some of the frustration I feel being stuck here at the moment.

 

[bookbug]

Maybe we need to do that more often then, and would be a nice change. Go outside our community, like on a cruise perhaps, where no one knows us, as a three, setting ourselves up as such. We have done this before, but it has been a long while.

Yes, we are very lucky to be so happy together, but it gets under your skin when there is always that friend, or co-worker, or neighbour, always trying to have ZF meet someone, because they think she is without a significant other. She stomps her feet at them and tells them she wants no one in her life like that, but most do not understand, are persistent anyway. To the outsider, she is the very beautiful, very single gem that just hasn't been swept off her feet by some guy yet. Believe me, there are many who try, everywhere she goes. It's ridiculous sometimes. Why are there so many people that see a presumably single female and think she has to be attached, anyway?

Well, in a week or three, I will be home full time with her, and all who know us will see that we are together more, guessing, wondering what happens behind closed doors, I am sure, knowing BB is away, so this makes for a new question, along with what I asked earlier: should we tell them we are close, she loves me, and I love her, but we are not 'intimate,' are just everything else, short of that one detail? Do you think that would work?

I am very familiar with what ZF is enduring in regard to people wanting to match her up, because I was the "unattached" female in our group. It is disconcerting and frustrating. Remember though, the people who do this mean well; they are trying to show you all that they care. They have no idea about the discomfort they cause.

If it were me, I wouldn't explain anything to the neighbors unless they ask point blank, and I can almost assure you they won't. They are going to think what they think, regardless.

All of that said, I found telling as much of the truth as I could was helpful when in situations where some explanation was necessary. People can more easily tell when you are lying as opposed to when you are just leaving out information. And truly, it isn't any of their business.

I am not sure where you live, but there are some parts of the country that are less judgmental and nosy about such things than others.

 

[Dstone]

I always suggest considering the functionality of living in such a destructive environment for life. Big changes can't usually be made immediately. But little changes (like planning vacations and considering possible other places to live in 5-10 years) can be done. Those little things can help.

Using an unrelated example, due to medical issues, Alaska is a terrible place for me to live. I need to move somewhere warmer. But it's not a reality today.
But just making small steps towards that (like researching places and saving a few dollars a month) helps alleviate some of the frustration I feel being stuck here at the moment.

Thank you for your input on this. I can see your point. However, I like very much where we live, and own my home. It is very close to a major city, yet we have lots of acreage, and are own private woods. I love nature, and the chunk of land we have is our mini paradise among the hustle of necessity.


=====================

I am very familiar with what ZF is enduring in regard to people wanting to match her up, because I was the "unattached" female in our group. It is disconcerting and frustrating. Remember though, the people who do this mean well; they are trying to show you all that they care. They have no idea about the discomfort they cause.

If it were me, I wouldn't explain anything to the neighbors unless they ask point blank, and I can almost assure you they won't. They are going to think what they think, regardless.

All of that said, I found telling as much of the truth as I could was helpful when in situations where some explanation was necessary. People can more easily tell when you are lying, as opposed to when you are just leaving out information. And truly, it isn't any of their business.

I am not sure where you live, but there are some parts of the country that are less judgmental and nosy about such things than others.

Yes, most mean well. So like you, she will have to just have to realize this. A couple of our friends have figured it out, but are afraid to ask, I think. I agree that the best thing is simply omitting detail rather than lying, and if boxed into a corner, directly being asked, simply refusing to go there with the conversation would not look good though, so I still think the answer of something like "We do not need closed-door activity to love one another" would still be an appropriate answer, because it is actually true. Although we enjoy each other, our relationship is not bound by it at all.

 

[Dirtclustit]

I guess I don't see how you could be "carted off to jail"

... in your situation, so I am not sure what exactly you are talking about. You would have had to taking advantage of a minor to go to jail.

Frankly, I am having a little bit of trouble understanding your situation. In any event, you should consider yourself lucky, if nowhere else, then at least online, as many other people who have used the language you do about your relationships were fairly viciously verbally attacked.

Maybe it's your command with the English language, or your grammar, perhaps your profile name or something. But from what I've seen, you have have some sort of immunity where the people that would normally rail against your dynamic have been nothing but welcoming, so much so, that I couldn't tell if you were being serious. I just assumed you were good for your word.

 

[Dstone]

You would have had to taking advantage of a minor to go to jail.

Frankly, I am having a little bit of trouble understanding your situation. In any event, you should consider yourself lucky, if nowhere else, then at least online, as many other people who have used the language you do about your relationships were fairly viciously verbally attacked.

Maybe it's your command with the English language, or your grammar, perhaps your profile name or something. But from what I 've seen, you have have some sort of immunity where the people that would normally rail against your dynamic, have been nothing but welcoming, so much so, that I couldn't tell if you are being serious. I just assumed you were good for your word.

Yup, its pretty serious. It didn't help this poor guy.

http://www.supremecourt.ohio.gov/SCO/justices/pfeifer/column/2007/jp042507.asp

It was even pleaded unconstitutional, at one point, where "Lowe argued that the statute was unconstitutional as applied to his case because the government has no legitimate interest in regulating sex between consenting adults."

Or this guy. (Boy, is he an ugly-looking dude in the arrest photos):

http://www.dailymail.com/policebrfs/201309220053

There are others, but these stand out.

 

[Dirtclustit]

You do understand why the court ruled as it did, right?

You understand why if you were considered a parental figure in her life that any sexual relationship would be considered inappropriate though, right? Especially so soon after becoming an adult of legal age, not to mention the language of there being nobody who could ever treat her as good as you could. You do realize that such phrases are often considered classic attitudes of abuse. You are aware of that, right?

 

[Dstone]

You understand why if you were considered a parental figure in her life that any sexual relationship would be considered inappropriate though, right? Especially so soon after becoming an adult of legal age, not to mention the language of there being nobody who could ever treat her as good as you could. You do realize that such phrases are often considered classic attitudes of abuse. You are aware of that, right?

I think you have some serious issues. You are trying to justify your distaste of our poly relationship (me in particular), by trying to read into it as if someone were being abused and/or manipulated. If that's what you think, then you are indeed one sick, closed-minded individual, indeed. You can accuse me of being a monster, bastard, pervert, molester, whatever. If that's your limited view of me (us), then so be it. That's how most people justify something they don't understand these days, now isn't it? I do not need approval, or acceptance for who I am, but I do think the world does need to know there are in fact very healthy, consenting poly families in our situation. It can happen. Or I get it, it's just not possible for someone to fall in love at age 18? That's it.

I have never been a parental figure to her and consider that a direct insult. I attempted to early on, but she fell in love with me as a boyfriend, in her eyes, from the beginning. I know very well the difference, and have a very clear understanding of what those type of things can do to someone. It is a true relationship, as real as the one between my wife and me.

She doesn't answer to me, or no one. She is her own person. She knows she is not bound to me but by her own free will. Not even my wife is bound to me, and is free to be whoever, and see whoever she wants to.

The day they arrived off the plane, I gave them money, credit cards, and I took them all to the women’s shelter, literally, showing them all what to do if we ever didn't get along, before they were even allowed to move in with me. Three weeks after that, I bought them their own vehicles. A year+ of turning her away, turning her down, and listening to her and her mother have it out almost daily, watching her cry, seeing the constant sadness and heartache in her. She was totally in love with me, and me not letting her take her relationship further with me frustrated her greatly. I spent money on plane tickets for people she met online to come meet her. I begged one guy to take her at one point, but it didn't work out. She just didn't want to be with anyone else. There was no abuse, no persuasion, and no forward temptation, and she was, and still is, more than ever, totally in love with me.

How can you convince someone not to be in love with you without destroying them emotionally? I tried exactly that, but it didn't work. She is who she is, and chose to fall hopelessly in love with who she wanted to.

We have been together for 6 years now, and it was BB who told me, not her, two days ago that I was more to her than anyone else could be. She told me, not ZF!!!

Get your head out of the gutter. It's insulting, and in our case, wrong!

My question still stands for those who care to chime in, in a normal way. I thinks it's a great topic. How do you cope with having to hide who you are to other people, when you are standing right next to your significant other(s)? How does this effect you or them long term?

 

[Dirtclustit]

The best way may be to avoid specific types of language

Such as making it clear you were never in a parental role, mention to her mother how saying things that would raise flags in any relationship might not be a good way to describe your relationship.

Perhaps mention to her that while it may seem like there is nobody that could ever treat her the way you do, it is not the case, that there are plenty of people whom could treat her just as good.

The reason that counselors take such language as a warning sign for emotional abuse is because often it is interpreted as if she is thinking about leaving, nobody else would want to be with her.

I hear you saying that this is not the case, I understand that, I was giving my opinion in regards to your question of what to do, my suggestion was to avoid language that people who are waiting to to cry foul are listening for.

Like I said, I figured you must have been a writing for an exercise as I was shocked that you were not attacked as many people in the past have been for what seemed like would draw much less attention.

 

[bella123456]

"When they arrived off the plane"? Where was their home origin? Had they moved far?

 

[Dstone]

"When they arrived off the plane"? Where was their home origin? Had they moved far?

Their home origin is in Northern Europe. I travelled worldwide, as a technical professional, and had visited that country many times, but ironically, met BB in the USA, while she was here visiting. We hit it off very well with each other, and fell in love, but nonetheless, I sent her back to her own country, telling her she should meet someone over there instead. After that, online-chat became web-chat, became love that could not be held back.

They are all still working on their citizenships, and I could divorce BB on paper to make it all officially legal, but I cannot, as it would look very bad to immigration, and as well, they could be sent back. TSA seems to hate couples that marry just for citizenship, and a divorce for any reason so soon would make it look like just that. I knew this was going to be a long-term marriage from the beginning, but never expected, or asked for it to turn out how it did. Our situation is, to say the least, semi-permanent for now.

Besides, I would not want to change it anyway. Everyone is very happy just like things are, and ZF is free to meet and do as she pleases. Especially, considering our age difference. When she is 30, or 40, she may actually want more, and is free to puruse it. Anything less from me would be selfish and against my beliefs. I am pagan. Selfishness is our only sin, and the basis of all other sins.

Such as making it clear you were never in a parental role, mention to her mother how saying things that would raise flags in any relationship might not be a good way to describe your relationship.

Perhaps mention to her that while it may seem like there is nobody that could ever treat her the way you do, it is not the case, that there are plenty of people whom could treat her just as good.

The reason that counselors take such language as a warning sign for emotional abuse is because often it is interpreted as if she is thinking about leaving, nobody else would want to be with her.

I hear you saying that this is not the case, I understand that, I was giving my opinion in regards to your question of what to do, my suggestion was to avoid language that people who are waiting to to cry foul are listening for.

Like I said, I figured you must have been a writing for an exercise as I was shocked that you were not attacked as many people in the past have been for what seemed like would draw much less attention.

My apologies for having such a 'Hot-Sauce' reply. I am a very real person. My life is very real, and our situation is exactly what I post and describe without making it into an entire book, as twisted as it may actually seem. Sometimes reality is more twisted than fiction. I have been attacked verbally before, yes, by the ignorant public in the past, and am quick to put someone in their place. Wouldn't you, of someone started discrediting your lifestyle? (No need to answer.)

Anyway, I get your point about watching what we say around others, and it is well taken. I hadn't thought of it that way, and you're absolutely right. As far as actually being ZF's everything, well, that's her choice, not mine. I do know though that I myself have never been happier with anyone, not short term, not long term, and they seem to feel the same toward me.