Having my own primary?

[ImNewToThis82]

Hello all I am very new to the poly scene. I am in my first relationship as we speak, but what's interesting is the guy I'm seeing (who is married in an open marriage) is new to poly as well (3 or 4 mos in) I have to say so far it's been an already emotional roller coaster..for me lol.

A little background I have always played with the idea of being poly due to always feeling sad that I wasn't allowed to love 2 men at the same time in a mono relationship I had for about 6 or 7 yrs. I had suggested that we try it which he was all gong-ho about until I mentioned ME having outside relationships as well... he shut that down very quickly.

So fast forward to now...I wasn't even actively looking to be poly, but it just kind of fell into my lap and well I accepted it! I must admit though that I've had my fair share of feeling jealous that his wife gets to be with him more than I do and they get to share things...well that's what it was on the surface, but I dug a little deeper and found that I've always had issues with feeling "left out" so it wasn't totally about him sharing moments with his wife that I couldn't..I just some how felt left out..if that makes any sense.

Anyway this past weekend his wife became ill and needed an emergency surgery..thankfully everything was a success and she's at home recovering and I'm giving him space to take care of her and they come down from an emotional few days. I hope this doesn't sound selfish, but I felt myself feeling sad because well if I got sick..who would I have at my bed side to sit with me at the hospital you know?

Often times I feel very lonely and wished I had a "primary" to spend most of my time with when my bf is with his wife (which is like everyday) I try and occupy my time with hobbies and of course focus on my children..but I still have this little nagging ache in my heart that I should have my own "somebody" to come home to and spend a lot of time with. Do you guys think that would help with my feelings of loneliness & jealousy I feel when my bf is with his wife..or is it just a bandaid and I need to actually deal with the fact that I may just plain be jealous that I'll never have that special "bond" with him that he & his wife have? Almost like if I have a distraction I won't feel so bad? I hope I'm making sense

 

[Inyourendo]

J is going through this. She wants a primary, shed love to.have a live in boyfriend but seems.like most of the guya she's met are mono and not cool with her having a boyfriend. She's met some.poly guys buy they are either not her type or a lot older than she wants. I feel sad that being with N hampers her ability to find someone.

 

[WhatHappened]

I would agree that being involved in a poly relationship, and intending to stay in one, is going to severely limit the pool of men who will be interested in dating you. For good reasons.

More, though, if I were a guy and read your post, I'd be running the other way. It sounds like you want a warm body to occupy you when he's not available. People want to be valued for themselves, not used to fill in the blanks that your other boyfriend isn't providing.

 

[ImNewToThis82]

I would agree that being involved in a poly relationship, and intending to stay in one, is going to severely limit the pool of men who will be interested in dating you. For good reasons.

More, though, if I were a guy and read your post, I'd be running the other way. It sounds like you want a warm body to occupy you when he's not available. People want to be valued for themselves, not used to fill in the blanks that your other boyfriend isn't providing.

Hmm that's not how I intended it to sound, but your opinion is your own & I have to accept that. So maybe the healthiest thing for me to do is to deal with how I'm feeling when my bf & I are separated? That's why I suggested that my desire for a "primary" is a bandaid or a way for me to not deal with the true issue at hand. But obviously I was looking for someone to be with & spend my time with or else I wouldn't have met my bf in the first place.

As far as not finding a man who would be ok with dating a poly woman, I believe his wife is running into the same problem. She sees that her husband has made a connection & the beginnings of a meaningful relationship & she'd like that as well. But the men she has met were only interested in sex.

 

[Inyourendo]

Hmm that's not how I intended it to sound, but your opinion is your own & I have to accept that. So maybe the healthiest thing for me to do is to deal with how I'm feeling when my bf & I are separated? That's why I suggested that my desire for a "primary" is a bandaid or a way for me to not deal with the true issue at hand. But obviously I was looking for someone to be with & spend my time with or else I wouldn't have met my bf in the first place.

As far as not finding a man who would be ok with dating a poly woman, I believe his wife is running into the same problem. She sees that her husband has made a connection & the beginnings of a meaningful relationship & she'd like that as well. But the men she has met were only interested in sex.

It didn't sound that way to me.

I haven't met anyone desirable who is willing to date a married woman either. Men want mono, women want a 3rd for their relationship

 

[idealist]

Often times I feel very lonely and wished I had a "primary" to spend most of my time with when my bf is with his wife (which is like everyday) I try and occupy my time with hobbies and of course focus on my children..but I still have this little nagging ache in my heart that I should have my own "somebody" to come home to and spend a lot of time with. Do you guys think that would help with my feelings of loneliness & jealousy I feel when my bf is with his wife..or is it just a bandaid and I need to actually deal with the fact that I may just plain be jealous that I'll never have that special "bond" with him that he & his wife have? Almost like if I have a distraction I won't feel so bad? I hope I'm making sense

If you want somebody to spend most of your time with and someone to come home to- then by all means find that person and the good part about poly is that you won't have to give up your married guy! Everyone does not want the same thing- for example- I don't want to spend most of my time with one person and I don't want anyone at home when I get home, so me and my primary (we've been together for 10 years) do not live together.. We are very much in love and we also love other people. We get to pursue relationships on our own and we are still authentically interested in continuing our relationship! I love poly!

 

[AnnabelMore]

Your feelings are normal, and I think you'll work through them.

There's no reason, necessarily, to think that he and you won't ever have that special bond. You're in a very new relationship, so of course it's going to be very different from the long-term bond he's formed with his wife. But there is such a thing as "co-primaries" -- have you asked him if, down the line, things got and stayed serious, if it would be a possibility for him to share that deep a bond with you, or whether the structure of his relationship with his wife wouldn't allow for it?

Even if you and he never have a primary-type relationship, why wouldn't he come to your bedside in an emergency? Hell, I think my roommates would come to my bedside and help me out if I needed emergency surgery, and we're not even in a romantic relationship. I *certainly* hope my secondary partners would do the same (I have multiple people I consider to be "secondary"-level partners, as opposed to primary life partners, and no primary).

All that said, if you want that type of bond, sure, go looking for someone else who wants it too and is cool with poly. Such people most certainly do exist.

 

[ImNewToThis82]

Your feelings are normal, and I think you'll work through them.

There's no reason, necessarily, to think that he and you won't ever have that special bond. You're in a very new relationship, so of course it's going to be very different from the long-term bond he's formed with his wife. But there is such a thing as "co-primaries" -- have you asked him if, down the line, things got and stayed serious, if it would be a possibility for him to share that deep a bond with you, or whether the structure of his relationship with his wife wouldn't allow for it?

Even if you and he never have a primary-type relationship, why wouldn't he come to your bedside in an emergency? Hell, I think my roommates would come to my bedside and help me out if I needed emergency surgery, and we're not even in a romantic relationship. I *certainly* hope my secondary partners would do the same (I have multiple people I consider to be "secondary"-level partners, as opposed to primary life partners, and no primary).

All that said, if you want that type of bond, sure, go looking for someone else who wants it too and is cool with poly. Such people most certainly do exist.

Actually me & him have talked about it, he & his wife's have no boundaries as far as other relationships go. At the moment we live kind of far from each other so he can't come & see me as much as he'd like. They are wanting to move to my side of town & his wife even suggested that he stay with me for awhile to job search & he says he wants to be with me. So it's not that his wife has a problem, it seems she'd be ok with a co-primary setup. It's just I need to learn not to be jealous when he's with her everyday in the meantime.