Hello, this is my first post here. I've lurked in the past, always been able to find something applicable to issues I encountered. Right now I'm in what I would call a unique situation.
This requires some backstory. I'll try to only discuss the pertinent information. My life is a series of strangely timed events in general, this is no exception.
Just under a year ago I was completing my first year of graduate school. My fiancee (we'll call eir M) was doing the same, in a different state. We are no strangers to long distance, and have always been poly in theory. Near the end of my semester I met an undergrad (we'll call her T) in a class I was taking. T and I spoke briefly and hit it off during a particular class. As much as I would like to share the details they are unimportant for this, we end up dating producing mine and M's first polyamorous experience. T had been in a different sort of configuration before.
As time progresses T and I develop thick bonds. T begins to have anxieties about my future marriage. We spend a lot of time together, she spends time at my home. I never sleep at her place because of roommate issues. M begins to have a bad time in general and wants to move back with me and finish school in a distance program. M moves back. I make a space in the apartment for T so that we can have a place to be together.
Things aren't perfect. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who is even remotely pleased with the configuration. Granted, it is not ideal. We work out a system with calendars where we plan out when I will be spending time and with whom. Try to make it as fair as possible, but not super rigid. Things come up sometimes and there needs to be malleability.
I'm going off to earn another degree after I complete my master's degree. M will be finished and moving with me, T still needs to complete her degree so will not be moving with me. This produces more anxieties for T.
T has quite a mental unbalance. Tends towards self-harm sometimes. Not always, but it is known to happen. Particularly when anxieties get too bad. There is a component of emotional manipulation, though I think it is unintentional. Things like, "If you left me I don't know if I could stop from hurting myself," or the like.
So now I'm going to move and marry M. T and I agree that we would like to stay together when the time comes, but for now we just want to enjoy being with each other. Plans to skype when I'm gone, I think things are somewhat okay. As my fourth year with M approaches T, again, has a lot of anxieties. We were going out of state for a weekend. I asked for a day, the day of mine and M's anniversary, to not worry about staying in contact with T. This leads to a lot of, "BUT you have another partner. Can't you see I'm a mess? What if I need you?" I try to say that it doesn't mean I don't care, simply that I want freedom to celebrate this day and put all my focus into M.
T and I fight about this point. T tells me that she had considered sabotaging my car so that I couldn't leave. Says she doesn't know what is wrong with herself. She thinks she's a monster, I assure her she is not. We part, not on great terms, but I thought at an okay point.
I am paranoid. T does not have a key to my apartment, but I've loaned her my car keys before. There have been trust issues in the recent past, but I was working through them. I put a dime in the door right at eye level before leaving. I'm pretty sure it's all for naught, and I'm gonna feel like a complete asshole upon returning.
M and I hit the road. M and I have a nice anniversary. T asks if, on my way home, I can swing by and kiss her, I say sure. It's a long drive home, I want to drop my stuff off. M and I return, dime is not where I left it. I go to T. Ask if she has keys. She looks ashamed and says yes. I tell her I'm not okay with this. I'm really, really not okay with this. I can't be with her, because this is a huge violation of my privacy and trust.
I say we can talk later, but I need to process things now. A week goes by, we spend some time together. I tell her that I don't want to be together anymore. It's very sad, but she understands. We talk. Acknowledge that we love each other very much, but that things have been bad for a while. She knows she shouldn't have come into my apartment, she didn't realize that it was going to be hurtful to me (just that it would make me angry, still unacceptable). We part ways on mostly good terms, though I need some time and space for sure.
So, that was long and somewhat convoluted. Here is what's going on. It has been two weeks since I returned to find that my apartment had been accessed. I'm a super forgiving person. M is not. I'm still quite enamored with T. M tells me that ey will support any decision I make, but ey is done with T.
When things don't hurt so bad, I am absolutely going to work on being friends with T. Should I just stay away from any romantic involvement with T? Should I keep an open mind and let it progress beyond platonic if that's what happens? Should I work on forgiving her and be with her? I know there are no clearcut answers, but I'd be interested in hearing what others have to say. I tend to be a leaf in the wind, but it seems that such an approach isn't necessarily best.
This requires some backstory. I'll try to only discuss the pertinent information. My life is a series of strangely timed events in general, this is no exception.
Just under a year ago I was completing my first year of graduate school. My fiancee (we'll call eir M) was doing the same, in a different state. We are no strangers to long distance, and have always been poly in theory. Near the end of my semester I met an undergrad (we'll call her T) in a class I was taking. T and I spoke briefly and hit it off during a particular class. As much as I would like to share the details they are unimportant for this, we end up dating producing mine and M's first polyamorous experience. T had been in a different sort of configuration before.
As time progresses T and I develop thick bonds. T begins to have anxieties about my future marriage. We spend a lot of time together, she spends time at my home. I never sleep at her place because of roommate issues. M begins to have a bad time in general and wants to move back with me and finish school in a distance program. M moves back. I make a space in the apartment for T so that we can have a place to be together.
Things aren't perfect. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who is even remotely pleased with the configuration. Granted, it is not ideal. We work out a system with calendars where we plan out when I will be spending time and with whom. Try to make it as fair as possible, but not super rigid. Things come up sometimes and there needs to be malleability.
I'm going off to earn another degree after I complete my master's degree. M will be finished and moving with me, T still needs to complete her degree so will not be moving with me. This produces more anxieties for T.
T has quite a mental unbalance. Tends towards self-harm sometimes. Not always, but it is known to happen. Particularly when anxieties get too bad. There is a component of emotional manipulation, though I think it is unintentional. Things like, "If you left me I don't know if I could stop from hurting myself," or the like.
So now I'm going to move and marry M. T and I agree that we would like to stay together when the time comes, but for now we just want to enjoy being with each other. Plans to skype when I'm gone, I think things are somewhat okay. As my fourth year with M approaches T, again, has a lot of anxieties. We were going out of state for a weekend. I asked for a day, the day of mine and M's anniversary, to not worry about staying in contact with T. This leads to a lot of, "BUT you have another partner. Can't you see I'm a mess? What if I need you?" I try to say that it doesn't mean I don't care, simply that I want freedom to celebrate this day and put all my focus into M.
T and I fight about this point. T tells me that she had considered sabotaging my car so that I couldn't leave. Says she doesn't know what is wrong with herself. She thinks she's a monster, I assure her she is not. We part, not on great terms, but I thought at an okay point.
I am paranoid. T does not have a key to my apartment, but I've loaned her my car keys before. There have been trust issues in the recent past, but I was working through them. I put a dime in the door right at eye level before leaving. I'm pretty sure it's all for naught, and I'm gonna feel like a complete asshole upon returning.
M and I hit the road. M and I have a nice anniversary. T asks if, on my way home, I can swing by and kiss her, I say sure. It's a long drive home, I want to drop my stuff off. M and I return, dime is not where I left it. I go to T. Ask if she has keys. She looks ashamed and says yes. I tell her I'm not okay with this. I'm really, really not okay with this. I can't be with her, because this is a huge violation of my privacy and trust.
I say we can talk later, but I need to process things now. A week goes by, we spend some time together. I tell her that I don't want to be together anymore. It's very sad, but she understands. We talk. Acknowledge that we love each other very much, but that things have been bad for a while. She knows she shouldn't have come into my apartment, she didn't realize that it was going to be hurtful to me (just that it would make me angry, still unacceptable). We part ways on mostly good terms, though I need some time and space for sure.
So, that was long and somewhat convoluted. Here is what's going on. It has been two weeks since I returned to find that my apartment had been accessed. I'm a super forgiving person. M is not. I'm still quite enamored with T. M tells me that ey will support any decision I make, but ey is done with T.
When things don't hurt so bad, I am absolutely going to work on being friends with T. Should I just stay away from any romantic involvement with T? Should I keep an open mind and let it progress beyond platonic if that's what happens? Should I work on forgiving her and be with her? I know there are no clearcut answers, but I'd be interested in hearing what others have to say. I tend to be a leaf in the wind, but it seems that such an approach isn't necessarily best.
