I'm new to polyamory and could use some advice

M

Mirky

New member
Hello everyone.

My wife and I have been together for over ten years, though we've been married for only three. We have a pretty active social life and things are pretty good for us. When we met, my wife did tell me that she was bisexual, which to a young man is not a bad thing to hear, but nothing ever came of it. I also have two adult children from another marriage and do not live at home.

Well, near my wife's birthday, a long time friend of ours (my wife's best friend) came over - a woman whom happens to be a lesbian - at least mostly. We had all flirted before and even joked about her being our sisterwife - to clarify, we are not Mormon, it was a joke. Well, we had all had a few drinks and were listening to Janet Jackson music and she started giving me a lap dance, which I liked, of course - and then moved onto my wife. We had a heck of a good time. They did a lot more than I but whenever I felt like jumping back in, they had no problem with it. I apologize if this is sounding like a Penthouse forum, I don't mean for it to.

Anyway, she stayed the night with us and we all laughed and joked and she went home later.

My wife and I talked about it a few times through the week; will it happen again? Does she want it to? etc.

Well on Sunday night the next week, my wife started crying and I tried to comfort her. She admitted to me that she was in love with her friend and said she was horrible and didn't know what to do. We had a long discussion where she admitted that she was probably more lesbian than straight but that she definitely was both and that she meant to stay in our marriage forever and it wasn't a question. While I hadn't been upset by the night we all shared, this part did upset me - I felt like a giant rug had been pulled out from under my whole life.

I am now convinced that I am wanted by her and our friend as well, and I love both of them myself, though I had never considered loving her like I did my wife until now. My wife broached the idea of polyamory, as she has a friend that has has a successful relationship for a while and after a lot of thought, I agreed to give it a try. We are very new in this and she says she wants to let it evolve organically.

We had another great weekend with the three of us. Sexually, I am getting more than I have since we first met and that is wonderful. For these times, I feel very lucky and can't wait for the next night our friend stays over.

Here's where my problem comes in... the green eyed monster, jealousy. I have been with my wife for a long time and I've never tried to share her with anyone before. She has always hung out with our friend and even stayed the night with her, though she usually had a girlfriend and I had no idea that they both had these feelings for each other. Now though, and I feel stupid because of it, whenever they go out without me, I get feelings of extreme loneliness and jealousy - capped with self doubt, will they really need to keep me around? I really don't think they are trying to get rid of me and I think I'm being silly but at the same time, they are having a "new" relationship that they've both wanted for a while and I am just sort of getting the scraps, I feel at times. Even when I'm alone with my wife, it seems they are constantly texting, which also bothers me a bit.

When I'm alone with my wife, or even the three of us together, I really don't have much problem, but again, once I'm alone, my stupid old primitive mind won't stop with the doubts. Even if I go to bed and they are alone in the other room, I feel really lonely. I've mentioned it to my wife and she says she understands and apologizes but I'm not sure that she can really do anything about it. I feel like in a relationship like this, we all need to have individual time together and group time, but it's just so hard for me right now.

Now, my two best friends are these two girls and I have and will talk to them more about this but I'd love to hear someone else's thoughts from outside our relationship. I love both of these girls and I would love to make this work... does anyone have some advice for me when I'm left alone to help alleviate these feelings?

Another note: Our friend has no immediate plans to move in, she is living with her parents who are elderly and helping them out at the moment, but it would not be out of the question in the future.
 
I was monogamous with my husband over a decade, and when I first got a girlfriend, I got very caught up in it and behaved with insensitivity towards my husband. I loved my husband and wanted to stay married, but the new relationship was so shiny and exciting, I couldn't see past it. On the boards, they refer to this as N.R.E. (new relationship energy) and it makes most people act stupid. Eventually, everyone will come down to earth.

That doesn't mean you can't ask for what you need (i.e. wife not texting gf constantly during your together time. A totally reasonable request.) You've said you don't feel like your wife wants to leave you, or that the girlfriend wants to steal her, so go ahead and trust your instincts, believe that you are cherished and wanted. If you're struggling, it's ok to tell either or both women so, it doesn't mean you're trying to inhibit their relationship. Go out with friends on nights they're together. Take a class instead of sitting home fretting. Keep communicating and supporting, and I think things will turn out all right for you.
 
I can tell you, what you are feeling and going through is normal. Very common.

Hang in there, keep being honest, I think women have better skills with conversations / talking things out... so tell her you are needing to sort things out verbally ... there is a good chance she will understand. If you feel the need for reassurance tell her you do.
 
I think you need to have private time with your wife's friend, so that all your sexual intimacy isn't only with either wife or threesomes. Get to know her better and build your own relationship with her, and I think it will help the jealousy to subside.
 
Mirky said:
Now, my two best friends are these two girls...
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This is the only thing I needed to read. Coming from someone who happens to be in a triad with the two most wonderful and important people in his entire universe, I know exactly what you feel like here.

I'm really big on talking shit out. I don't think you can EVER communicate too much with your partners. I get it... you are off-put right now by the two of them going through their NRE. It happens... my wife went through the same thing when Freckles and I first met. There wasn't even anything sexual about it at this point, her and I were just really good friends. But our NRE manifested itself as the two of us constantly wanting to spend time together and talk, text, whatever. Things got better... the NRE didn't stop, it spread. Soon, all three of us were constantly wanting to spend as much time as we could together. And that's where it stands today... we still spend every moment we can as a triad.

Just the feeling I get from your story... you are having a lot of self doubt and jealousy issues right now. But things are also still in a state of flux and changing quickly. I don't see your wife and partner as ignoring you so much as being involved with each other. Should they be more focused on the fact that you are part of this relationship too? Absolutely. Is it a an enormous mistake on their parts? Eh... I really don't think so. I think you should talk to both of them about it very frankly. Say that you love them both, but are feeling a little ignored right now. You are dealing with your two best friends, not a couple people who couldn't give a damn about your feelings. I think that if you just state the issue, you are going to get a fair result. They aren't going to blow up at you, they are going to explore what's wrong and figure out a way to deal with it. Hopefully, you can get some more time with your new partner and start getting a taste of that NRE too.
 
Thanks!

I want to both apologize for taking so long to reply and thank you all for you supportive comments. You cannot understand, or actually, maybe you can understand, how much all of your support means to me. Whenever I read your collective comments, I tear up... which might make me a bit wimpy but I really just feel relief at having people to share this with and get positive reinforcement from.

Things are going fine right now, but our "girlfriend" has taken a short vacation with family, so we are both missing her.

I have talked about things a few times with my wife since the initial posts and she has apologized about the NRE and has promised to try and avoid what her friend in a polyamorous relationship referred to as triggers - things that make me feel less valued maybe? For instance, she says she will try to check her texts only like every 20 mins. instead of every 2. That is one thing that gets on my nerves a bit, lol.

I do like the idea of me and our "girlfriend" getting closer - getting to know each other better. She has been my wife's best friend for a long time and I think it was natural that I kept a bit of distance but with this change in our relationship, I think I should probably get closer to her. I am picturing us perhaps going out on dates together, definitely sharing some one-on-one time. I have always known her as a lesbian, though we have had "innocent" flirtations and she has been with men before this all happened. I put innocent in quotes because I thought it was innocent. I know she claims to not like penetration with a man which is fine since my wife gives me all I need and her involvement in the act makes everything better for all of us. If she ever wants to try it, I am surely open to the idea, if my wife is also cool, which she seems to be.

Her are a few more questions if anyone wants to give me their two cents;

For now, we have decided to call our new partner our "girlfriend", does that seem best? Might seem a bit trivial, but my wife and I actually did discuss what we should call her.

We plan to stay in the closet for now - as our parents and even families might have coronaries if they found out, though I'm sure some of our friends will catch on that something strange is going on... what do you all think about that?

Last question for now, I think - I mentioned that I have two adult children, well they are 19 and 20, so young adult... I really think my son won't care at all, he is very open to everything... My daughter just came home from college for the summer, and I'm a little afraid that she's going to catch onto something... if she sees my partners being close, will she think my wife is messing around? I've considered just letting the cat out of the bag, but I have no idea what I should do here. Any thoughts on this?

I realize a lot of this will just come down to my own choices but I'm just looking for opinions and perhaps personal events that could help me form my own thoughts.

Again, thank you all so much, I hope to keep talking to a lot of you and keep reading other people's experiences here.
 
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Please dont think you are stupid for having jealousy issues! You seem like a wonderful human being!! I wish mu last partner was half the man you are!
 
My older children (24&25) were the first two people I told about being poly. They think I'm crazy, but they are accepting and welcoming to my boyfriend. However, realize that once the proverbial cat is out of the bag, there is no stopping it from escaping your grasp. Your kids could tell anyone, at any time.
 
XimenaP said:
Please dont think you are stupid for having jealousy issues! You seem like a wonderful human being!! I wish mu last partner was half the man you are!
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Thank you so much. I guess I shouldn't have said stupid, I feel irrational, which in turn makes me feel stupid, because I hate being irrational but I understand.

When the two of them are together, I guess I just wish I was with them as well, but I think that I have to let them have time alone as well. I feel a bit that I've been somewhat unfair to our girlfriend by having these issues... she is the one coming into an already great marriage and I can see why that would be just as scary, if not more so.

Right now, my biggest question is just what form my relationship will take with our girlfriend. My wife and she are so in love, mentally and physically and I share in some of that and I'd love for it to be more but of course, I can't read either of their minds, so I'm just waiting to see just what happens and letting them know how I feel.

I'm so excited but also scared of this whole thing. Our girlfriend seems to be as well, we both have somewhat low self esteem, which is probably dumb. My wife is the only one that seems to be having no issues and I envy her in that... she is on cloud nine. I mean, we all are, but two of us are a bit afraid of heights, I suppose, lol. I completely think that things will be great though, wish me luck!
 
Bluebird said:
My older children (24&25) were the first two people I told about being poly. They think I'm crazy, but they are accepting and welcoming to my boyfriend. However, realize that once the proverbial cat is out of the bag, there is no stopping it from escaping your grasp. Your kids could tell anyone, at any time.
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Thank you for the response!

Things have changed a bit for us in this context... apparently, our new girlfriend and to a lesser degree, my wife, are the types that have to tell everyone everything... most of our friends now know about our relationship. I just wish we could have taken a bit more time to define our relationship before letting everyone know, but that cat is out of the bag. It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would... after all, now all my male friends know that I'm sleeping semi-regularly with two women at the same time, which is never bad for your rep., lol.

I'm a bit more reserved, so I guess I'm going to have to just keep my secret from my more exclusive friends so I feel I have a bit of control on things. I also just don't feel ready to let the kids in on this - as they are most likely to tell the older, less open to new things, members of my family about it. I think for right now, I'm going to try to just not broach the subject with them unless they hear it somewhere else. That might change down the road... and my daughter is living at home for the summer, so who knows what will happen... just like I ended my last post, wish my luck!
 
One thing you may want to be careful of is that when one child knows, all the kids should know. At least, that was the recommendation of my youngest daughter's therapist. The idea that two of them knew but the other didn't, could have led to hard feelings and upset. Course, my kids are older, so your mileage may vary. Also, my youngest (16) was the first to figure out that something was going on - she became hyper sensitive to how long I was out and would ask probing questions as to who I was with. She started to think I was cheating on her dad. So, just another piece of advice. :)
 
Thank you all for your responses. I have decided to leave the kids in pleasant ignorance for the time being. Things are pretty new and they don't really live at home anymore, so I'm not too worried about it yet, but that could change in the future, for sure.

I'm decided to try to turn my jealousy into compersion, which is a new word I've just learned. Any advice on that, that's what I'd like to do, for sure.

One issue has come up that I'd like to hear some advice on. In a recent talk, my wife told me that she wasn't really happy with me and our girlfriend doing anything sexually when she's not around. I placed no such demand on them when this whole thing started and I'm not sure that I think it's fair. I'm not saying that this is something I planned on doing necessarily, nor do I know that our girlfriend even wants that, though I think she might be willing if I asked. I do understand that this whole relationship started when their friendship blossomed into something more, so maybe she feels that she owns that end of things?

I haven't talked to our girlfriend about this, and I'm not sure that I should because I really don't want to start problems. What do you all think about this?
 
We recently went through a situation where Guy and I discussed being more open about our relationship--and Hubby, who up until then had been perfectly content with Guy's place in my life and had said repeatedly that he wasn't ashamed and didn't care who knew, suddenly slammed on the brakes and said he didn't want to deal with people "giving him flak" for "letting" his wife have a boyfriend.

We reached a compromise; I'm open about guy under the pen name I use for writing erotic romances, because the people who know me under that pen name are either readers and other authors who don't know my real name and aren't likely to encounter me in real life, or people who belong to the swingers' site where I met both Hubby and Guy. (Those people already pitched fits and gave plenty of flak when Hubby and I opened our marriage last year, so he doesn't care what they say about my relationship with Guy.)

As for my kids... When Hubby and I opened our marriage, we told both kids that we had decided we could go out with "friends" to dinner or whatever, because sometimes it's good for a married couple to spend time separately with other people. We told them that because they've already been through one divorce (mine from their father), and are hypersensitive to signs that things might be going wrong, so we didn't want them to worry about us going out separately. Not that it happened often; other than Guy, I had a date with one man I've known since before I met Hubby, and I had a FWB I got together with a few times. Hubby never went out separately from me at all.

As for Guy, both kids met him last year as "a friend of your mom and stepdad." Both kids got along well with him, which was particularly important with my younger one, who's on the autism spectrum and rarely gets along with people the first time she meets them. (The only other person I'd ever seen her that way with was Hubby, which was one of the reasons I married him...) Currently, my 18-year-old knows the truth about Guy's and my relationship, but the 15-year-old does not; she sees things in total black-and-white and therefore explaining the situation to her would be far more complicated than explaining to the older one. Also, the 15-year-old tells her father pretty much everything, and we'd prefer he not find out about Guy because that would give him custody-war ammunition. Once the kiddo turns 18, we might tell her, because at that point it wouldn't matter as much if her father found out.
 
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