having a baby with your secondary

S

snugglesbunny

New member
Hi I am new to the forum. I am married to my husband of 10 years. I have two children ages 12 & 11. I have alway wanted more children. My boyfriend, who is married, and his wife are unable to have children. He told me from the start that he would want kids in the future. Well we started talking about having kids together. All parties are on board.

My question is has anyone else out there had children with their secondary? And what issues did you have?

Edited: I failed to mention that I do not consider my boyfriend a secondary or my husband my primary. They are both very important relationships to me. I only used the term secondary because I wasnt sure how else to phrase it.
 
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Myself, I wouldn't have kids with someone I didn't have a primary relationship with. My boyfriend and I have talked abut it. But, especially considering we can't get legally married (he already is), I would want the comfort and security of knowing we are a priority to each other before taking that step.

I'm curious how you plan on having kids with him while still keeping your boyfriend a side relationship? I feel that would invariably turn the relationship into one of your priorities.
 
I do consider him a priority. I spend about half of my time with him. Wether it is at his home or mine. I would not consider having kids with him if he was just a side relationship. A lot of talking has gone into the planning of planning on having a baby.

His wife would be mom as well as me. My husband would be daddy as well as him. Our partners other relationships would be treated as an aunt or uncle.

I am a worrier and am trying to make sure that most things have been discussed ahead of time.
 
I have a child with my husband and one with my boyfriend (as well as one from prior and my husband has one from prior and a godson). We (the three of us) raised all of them together.
The youngest, who is the bio-child of my boyfriend and me, calls my husband daddy-because the older kids did. This doesn't bother any of us. She calls my bf by a "petname" that only she uses. She's almost 7.
The kids are 22, 18, 17, 14 and then her. It honestly hasn't been a big deal.

BUT-we always dealt with the kids as "the family" regardless of who shared which parents. We don't play favorites and we don't hold them accountable to using certain names (like mom/dad/aunt/uncle) we leave it to them to decide.
AND
we don't allow any adults who can't accept that (no favorites, they are all equally part of the family) to remain involved. That meant several grandparents lost all visitation rights because they wanted to only acknowledge the ones they shared biology with.

We all live together (three oldest kids are out on their own now) and we are very strict about the fact that we are a single family and we don't treat any person in the family different due to biology.
 
I had considered a child with bf. I know nate doesn't want more kids at all but because I would be almost 40 by the time I could have a baby I have decided to not have more children. I had figured if Sam and I haf a child I would have the baby while sam was working and sam would have hhhh w baby while I worked but otherwise baby would go where I go at least until I was done breastfeeding. I Anticipated the biggest issue would be Nates very strong objection of another child m this isn't because it would be Sam's, it would be that Nate didn't want kids at all.

Because I can't give sam the child he wants he can seek out a sister wife if he chooses who does want a child
 
Babies with secondaries

Be careful. The legal pitfalls if your polyamory relationship falls apart will be difficult to resolve in a court of law not used to such open relationships. Also, the biological father of the child, your "secondary," would be on the hook for child support, health insurance for the child, college for the child, etc. You have to make sure this isn't something that might end in the short term.
 
LordGreystroke69 said:
Be careful. The legal pitfalls if your polyamory relationship falls apart will be difficult to resolve in a court of law not used to such open relationships. Also, the biological father of the child, your "secondary," would be on the hook for child support, health insurance for the child, college for the child, etc. You have to make sure this isn't something that might end in the short term.
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You do know that parents aren't legally obligated to pay for their kids' college, right?
 
I think any non custodial parent should be paying for child support. Its a risk you take when having a child with anyone, that's not a poly issue.
 
LordGreystroke69 said:
Be careful. The legal pitfalls if your polyamory relationship falls apart will be difficult to resolve in a court of law not used to such open relationships. Also, the biological father of the child, your "secondary," would be on the hook for child support, health insurance for the child, college for the child, etc. You have to make sure this isn't something that might end in the short term.
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The OP has already stated that she used the term secondary here just for identification, but she does not see him as secondary, and both her male partners as well as her metamour would raise the child together with her. Ya know, communally, as a chosen family, etc. Obviously she's not planning on just getting preggers by this guy and then whisking the kid away and raising it with only her husband. So, responsibilities would be shared and no one person is "on the hook." Legally, it may look different, but I see no reason why the group of four adults cannot devise their own agreements as a "blended" family - people all over the world do it all the time.

And yeah, college is not a requirement for a child, much less paying for it.
 
Kids

The issue of paying for kids college is a state by state issue. Some states require it. Some states have a "presumption of legitimacy" law that says if you are married to husband and you have baby by secondary the baby is the child of the husband and not the secondary AND if you divorce your husband is responsible for child support for the secondary's kid. So, be careful.
 
Inyourendo said:
Its presumed the spouse is the father until paternity is established
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In some legislations, yes. In all of them? No, absolutely not. I would advice the OP to find out the laws of your state / country concerning paternity; whether the husband is presumed to be the father, and whether there is a possibility to acknowledge the bio father. Also, I think it would be wise to check the bigamy / adultery laws, because in some states poly relationships are illegal; as well as finding out how do the local Child Protective Services treat poly families. In some places there is a real risk for children to be taken away from poly families.

When you know all of this, then you might want to re-negotiate some things. It is wise to think ahead about the worst case scenario: if the relationships break down, who will be responsible for the child, who will get custody of them, how will visitation rights be ensured for all parents involved etc.

Otherwise you seem to have a lot thought out and well planned. Wishing you luck and happiness!
 
Thank you everyone for the responses. A lot of what has been brought up we have thought about. We are looking into talking with a family lawyer a head of time to see if anything can be written out to help with legalities if the relationship ends.

We had not thought about the child protective services angle but I have a friend who works for them and as she knows about me being poly will ask her.
 
So in America, at least some places in America, regardless of a mother stating that someone is the father in the social sense, despite science stating that someone is the father in the biological sense and despite someone else saying they are not the father and don't wish to be the legal parent of the child, they'd override it all and make someone who isn't the father in all these different ways legally responsible for the child? What if the mother said "well if my bf can't sign the birth documents, nobody will", would they force the husband to sign?
 
I'm not sure about signing documents, but in many US jurisdictions, any child born during a marriage is presumed to be a child of *that marriage*. Regardless of who the biological father actually is (whether it's a poly situation, or the woman cheating and getting pregnant by the other man, or whatever), it's presumed that the baby is the child of the husband. Paternity testing can prove otherwise; but as I understand it, in some places even a paternity test doesn't negate the responsibilities of the husband to his wife's child--even if it isn't *his* child.

That isn't the case everywhere, I don't think. Laws can vary state by state and sometimes even municipality by municipality. Snugglesbunny is definitely doing the right thing by consulting with a lawyer and with CPS; they're the ones who will be able to tell her conclusively what the laws are in her area and how they apply to this plan. We're all just random internet people who may or may not actually know the laws where Snugglesbunny lives.
 
Child support thru college

When I last checked - 18 states in the USA allow a court to order child support to cover college expenses.

One of the more straightforward ways to handle the legal parenthood of a child in this case might be a voluntary acknowledgement by all parties involved of shared parental duties. Not every state will recognize this type of statement, but it is a good start, and for a decision this momentous, you may have to consider relocating to a state that has more favorable and open laws.
 
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The best step-is as you noted OP-speak with a lawyer in your area to address the laws where you live.

We spoke with a lawyer where we live, and the laws here put the husband on the birth certificate regardless of paternity.
So my husband is the father listed on my youngest child's birth certificate.
We added legal paperwork that if anything happens to my husband and I-full legal custody goes to my boyfriend (we actually did that for all of the kids).
We also ensured that we were open and honest with everyone about the paternity, which reduces chances of anyone having doubts or questions.
We created a signed legal document in advance on the terms of the parenting rights/responsibilities as well.
 
Where I live, the husband is automatically listed as the father of a child born in marriage. In a situation like the OP's, the paternity of the husband can be annulled later on by the boyfriend acknowledging the child to be his *and* both the mother and the husband approving of this acknowledgement.
 
In British Columbia, Canada, as of this year, you can now have up to 4 people listed on the birth certificate as legal parents/guardians. One reason to move to the freezing north :)
 
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