Balancing "new" and "old"

[polyrar]

Most of my situation is covered in my introduction here, but I'll sum up: my Life Partner (husband) and I have been working for a few years on maintaining an open and polyamorous lifestyle. Recently we have succeeded: he has his own girlfriend, and I have very recently started an intimate relationship with my own girlfriend. His relationship works because he, his girlfriend, and I have all been good friends for a couple years and we all have an open and honest relationship with each other, anyway. My own relationship is working because "my" girlfriend is also a part of our family, his brother's (my brother-in-law's) Life Partner, and all four of us have open and frank individual relationships as family-members.

Obviously, I am very excited and absolutely thrilled, filled with that "new relationship energy" everyone's always talking about! I am overjoyed with the support-network "my" girlfriend and I have in our two Life Partners, and that is definitely a boon to us. I am always excited for my Life Partner when he gets to visit his girlfriend, and I absolutely love what they choose to share with me about their encounters.

It has only been a couple weeks for my relationship, and so I am trying to keep all my ducks in a row, as it were, to keep everything balanced in both of my relationships. I don't like to think of my sexual-relationship with my Life Partner as being "old" - it isn't old it's established! He and I have stayed open about everything, he understands when I decline intimacy with him because I have a date with "my" girlfriend later that day - he says he hasn't felt neglected yet and he will let me know if he does, but he doesn't foresee it.

So I definitely feel accomplished, but I don't want it to get to my head!

For those of you who are experienced with this: how do you balance the new relationship energy and "established" relationship energy? I know that I'm on a natural biological-high just from all those hormones and pheromones; do you have any advice on how to keep all that from clouding my judgement? From my own personal experience I know that if I don't work on this and keep my priorities with my Life Partner in the forefront of my mind I may just "accidentally" slip up - I obviously want to avoid this!

 

[IndieSolo]

I think that if you focus more on "doing the right thing" rather than "not fucking up," you'll be okay. In other words, if you strive to be present and to take care of yourself and the people around you, that is something you can do with clear-cut actions (like listening, being honest, paying attention to what someone is saying or not saying, being affectionate, doing things to let them know you're thinking of them, consideration in scheduling, getting rest when you need it, giving them any space they might want, etc.) - but going around with a goal of "avoiding fucking up" is rather nebulous, will have you walking on eggshells around the people you care about, and will usually lead to fucking up!

The fact is you will probably fuck up anyway - no one is perfect, and we can't control nor predict how our loved ones will perceive things and react. You might overlook something without any intent behind doing so, and it could be taken as a slight, but that is life. Apologize, make adjustments, move on.

Some polyfolk devise all sorts of rules and guidelines in the hopes of preventing fucking up (or, more often, to try and control their partners so their partners don't fuck up). I couldn't live that way because I have faith that the people I involve myself with will endeavor to do the right thing, treating me the way they want to be treated, just as I endeavor to do for them. I think that all we can really do is make the best efforts we can to be there for the people in our lives, and to make sure we take care of ourselves so we don't run out of steam and feel depleted.

 

[AlbertaRaven]

Sure sounds like you all have your heads on straight! Well done for being so thoughtful in your poly. That is neat to read about.

You're doing what is a habit of mine, too: worrying about problems that haven't happened yet. You see the potential for a problem, but it hasn't yet come to pass. I'd suggest that the fact that you are aware this problem might come up will help you avoid it. Continue as you are, checking in with Mr. Life Partner to make sure he feels appreciated, and you're solid!

Enjoy your NRE. It's so responsible to be self-aware and communicative and thoughtful of your Life Partner, and I bet he wants you to enjoy yourself. You're doing great.

 

[Nadya]

Missing the "Like" button here, for both the replies above!

You are doing fine. There is the term "Renewed Relationship Energy"... That might happen while experiencing the NRE - the "spillover" of the NRE to the established relationship *can* be a positive one, too.

I read your intro and really liked it, nice story!

 

[polyrar]

I think that if you focus more on "doing the right thing" rather than "not fucking up," you'll be okay. In other words, if you strive to be present and to take care of yourself and the people around you, that is something you can do with clear-cut actions ...

The fact is you will probably fuck up anyway - no one is perfect, and we can't control nor predict how our loved ones will perceive things and react.

Nycindie, I think you've definitely hit the nail on the head! To be totally honest, probably one of my biggest flaws as a person is letting my fears become self-fulfilling prophecies: if I sense that I might fuck up I spend so much time and energy worrying about how that could happen that I end up facilitating it! Your advice to focus on being present for my partners and family, and doing what I know is right at the present moment, is definitely the advice that I needed. Thank you!

AlbertaRaven and Nadya - thank you for the positive advice and words. Remaining open and communicative with Mr. Life Partner and everyone involved comes so naturally to us anyway that keeping the veins of communication open should be simple. It is reassuring to hear that I am on the right track, and to hear it from other like-minded individuals I love the term 'Renewed Relationship Energy' - it definitely fits what I'm feeling! Good vibes all around, and life feels great!