NRE is taking over!!

T

TangleDiamond2

New member
Help me with tips on how to manage this NRE! I have it bad with my boyfriend. I love my husband, my primary partner, very much and we have such a great relationship. But I am consumed with my boyfriend. It's to the point where I don't feel like I want to be sexual with my husband. I just wish I could be with my boyfriend. (My husband doesn't know just how consumed I am). I don't want to feel this way, I know this NRE is crazy but it's my first and I want to make sure I keep my emotional and sexual connection with my husband. I make sure he is satisfied but inside I feel like I'm faking almost... I would rather be with my boyfriend. I know this will pass but I don't want to feel like I don't want my husband in the mean time.
 
TangleDiamond2 said:
Help me with tips on how to manage this NRE! I have it bad with my boyfriend. I love my husband, my primary partner, very much and we have such a great relationship. But I am consumed with my boyfriend. It's to the point where I don't feel like I want to be sexual with my husband. I just wish I could be with my boyfriend. (My husband doesn't know just how consumed I am). I don't want to feel this way, I know this NRE is crazy but it's my first and I want to make sure I keep my emotional and sexual connection with my husband. I make sure he is satisfied but inside I feel like I'm faking almost... I would rather be with my boyfriend. I know this will pass but I don't want to feel like I don't want my husband in the mean time.
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While the infatuation with a new partner is still very strong, it's pretty common for interest in other partners to drop. The variation seems to be in how much the interest drops and how long the situation lasts.

The thing I would suggest doing is staying honest with yourself and allowing yourself to be genuine. That is to say, if you don't want to have sex with someone you shouldn't have sex with them. If you don't want to go to a concert with someone, don't go to the concert with them. And so on...

Are there things that you *do* have a drive to do with your partner? I mean, do you want to show him affection? Cuddle up and watch TV with him? Share a meal and discuss your day with him? There is more to a relationship than sex, so if sex is something that's off the menu I would say you should skim through and see if there is anything on there.

The other thing I would prep for is to have a conversation with your husband about this. I don't expect it will go well, no one wants to be told "So yah, I love you and all, but the only dick I have any interest in is my boyfriends", BUT it will likely need to happen because your husband will want to know what's going on. However, it is the reality of the situation and if you want to have relationships with adults we need to treat them like adults.
 
I've told my husband that me and him are fine. Our relationship is still great. That I still love him but I feel like he is more of a roommate and best friend right now. And yes, I still want to share my day with him, and spend time with him.. It's mostly sexual that I don't want to share with him right now. He is about ready to enter into some NRE with his girlfriend. They just verbalized that they are really falling for each other and are excited to explore their relationship more. So I think he will be in the same place as me before too long. I'm happy for him, he is a great man and I'm happy he has another woman who is getting to experience how amazing he is.
So I guess it's normal for me to be consumed with my boyfriend and not as interested in my other relationships... I just have to figure out how to keep everyone else feeling happy and fulfilled as well. I just want us all to be happy and feel loved
 
If we can remind ourselves often enough that NRE is just a bunch of chemicals flooding our brains, then perhaps it would be easier to keep our feet on the ground and not get blinded by it.

I think that knowing it's chemistry, and not tricking ourselves into believing NRE is some cosmic sign about the relationship, does help. For me at least, I can sort of take a step back and have a logical dialogue with myself about it, and sort out the chemical euphoria from the reality. I just keep asking myself questions. It doesn't mean I don't feel the longing or the craziness, but I always try to keep facing reality and not get caught up in fantasy.
 
Thank you, that helps. I pride myself on being logical most times. My and my husband do not fight because I can rationalize and have an internal dialogue and try to be logical and not emotional. But I am also an emotional creature by nature. I have to keep that balance. I will try to remain as logical as I can about this NRE as I can!
 
I have always believed that it's important to understand that emotions do not dictate behavior. Our brain dictates our behavior.
People often FEEL things that are irrational or irrelevant to reality.
They are not required to ACT on those feelings.

NRE in my opinion is no different than jealousy. Opposite side of a spectrum maybe.
but in both cases, irrational emotional reaction that is not relevant to reality.
So in both cases, I choose not to act on the emotion.
 
While it might be "common" for the interest in your long term partner to wane while experiencing strong NRE for another love, I think it's a slippery slope to allow it to continue to wane without addressing the issue with your partner and without working to overcome it.

I'm not suggesting folks are saying, hey go ahead and sex up your new bf and don't worry that you don't want to sex up your husband, it kind of sounds like that is what is being said. I agree one shouldn't have sex with someone if they don't want to but you can actively work on feeling emotionally connected to your hubby and find intimacy again. Intimacy is more than just penetration - like folks suggested cuddling, snuggling - these things will help remind you and your husband what you two found attractive in each other.

Everyone experiences ups and downs in the sexual attraction arena - but you still ahve to work at making sure those connections don't get lost in the NRE you are allowing to take over.
 
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