Curious About Dynamics

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Kittykate

New member
Well since my other thread seems to be becoming a big debate. I was curious as to how others have their relationships set up? My husband and I have rules that not only do we follow but also ask our partners to follow. They aren't anything crazy just more some general respect type rules. We don't date as a couple, we tried and it just wasn't for us. So we date separately now.

1. We have two children so we like to make sure that anyone we date can be friends with everyone. That way we can all do stuff together and it not be awkward. And just in general we like being able to go out with everyone! (We introduce them as friends. And we don't introduce them to the children until we have been dating for at least 2 months. We do watch the kids so we can have alone time with partners as well. We've brought 2 people around them one was a boyfriend I had been dating for 4 months before he ever met them, and he is now a good friend since breaking up. We don't just introduce everyone all at once to a new person. Should've cleared that up at first I guess. But we do like everyone to get along because it works for us. We don't force friendships but we at least expect everyone to be civil.)

2. We like to know who our partners are dating. We don't need details we just like to know (for extra safety) how many other partners someone has. This is so we know that we can work with our partners on seeing them, and so we know if anything ever happens sexually how many people we are dealing with. (Like stated below if a partner has alot of partners it sometimes is a red flag for me since I was in an abusive relationship in the past. I like to know that if I ever wanted to possibly fluid bond with someone how many other people they are sleeping with. If they have 15 partners obviously I am not going to. Where as if it is just me then yes. And I return the favor to them as well. I don't want to find out that my boyfriend I fluid bonded with was sleeping with another woman and then got an STI or STD, and didn't have the courtesy to tell me hey I am with another woman so maybe we should be safe until I know she is okay.)

3. We use protection sexually no ifs, ands, or buts! (We aren't to the point of fluid bonding with anyone yet except my husband and myself.)

4. We ask for honesty on everything. We are a very open and honest couple, and talk about everything. (We like this rule because if there is ever an issue with anything weither it be jealousy, or sometimes even everyday issues where we our partners or us maybe need someone to talk to about we can. We've had a jealousy issue with a partner my husband was dating where she was trying to take time away from me at a very difficult time in my life because she wasn't getting the time she was used to. After all of us having a sit down and talking about what was going on she understood and the jealous feelings she was having went away and she actually ended up being able to help me more than my husband did with the issue.)




So how do you have your relationships set up? We've based ours off of trial and error and they work for us. Yes they may be weird but it is the way we have set everything up. And no we don't require addresses and such we just like that our partners be serious and put effort into the relationships like we are. My other post about my boyfriend if you read he wasn't putting as much effort in as he first started out with which I get the lovey I wanna talk to you stage ends eventually, but when it is a drastic overnight like he did we felt something was wrong and we were right. If that is wrong of us then that is how you see it.
 
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I just know personally if a requirement was that I not only meet your husband but also be friendly with him I wouldn't want any part of that dynamic. It's an awfully couple centric way to set things up. Any of your partners must be friends with the "couple".

So do you also request names and addresses of any other person your bf/gf chooses to date?

I just find it strange that from your other thread you seemed to be wanting to account for the time of a guy you had only be seeing for a short amount of time. That's how your set up goes? You're locked in from the beginning? After ther backround check of course.
 
1. We have two children so we like to make sure that anyone we date can be friends with everyone. That way we can all do stuff together and it not be awkward.

No one meets my children other than in passing until they have become a well established partner. Murf did not meet them until we had been together 6 months and he was slowly eased into their lives.

2. We like to know who our partners are dating. We don't need details we just like to know (for extra safety) how many other partners someone has. This is so we know that we can work with our partners on seeing them, and so we know if anything ever happens sexually how many people we are dealing with.

I do not have the right to know how many partners my partners partner has. I just assume they have other partners and ask that MY partner keep my sexual safety in mind.

3. We use protection sexually no ifs, ands, or buts!

Murf is mono so we are fluid bonded. Butch has no partners outside the marriage so we are fluid bonded. If Butch starts dating then back to condoms we will go. Safer sex is just respectful.

4. We ask for honesty on everything. We are a very open and honest couple, and talk about everything.

Somethings between Murf and I are NONE of Butch's business period. And vice versa. Neither one needs to know the nitty gritty of my my relationship with the other. Everyone deserves to have some privacy within their relationship.
 
Nate and i have 4 kids (2 with my ex) nate pretty much just has fwb with people always use protection when having sex with others. I don't care who he sees and I prefer not meeting anyone.

Sam is mono and he and I don't use condoms (im on bc)

Sam and nate have met but are not involved at all, I keep the two worlds fairly separate
 
WhatToDo said:
I just know personally if a requirement was that I not only meet your husband but also be friendly with him I wouldn't want any part of that dynamic. It's an awfully couple centric way to set things up. Any of your partners must be friends with the "couple".

So do you also request names and addresses of any other person your bf/gf chooses to date?

I just find it strange that from your other thread you seemed to be wanting to account for the time of a guy you had only be seeing for a short amount of time. That's how your set up goes? You're locked in from the beginning? After ther backround check of course.
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Yeah I don't want any involvement with metas and I would not date a man who wife needed to be involved
 
Dagferi said:
1. We have two children so we like to make sure that anyone we date can be friends with everyone. That way we can all do stuff together and it not be awkward.

No one meets my children other than in passing until they have become a well established partner. Murf did not meet them until we had been together 6 months and he was slowly eased into their lives.

2. We like to know who our partners are dating. We don't need details we just like to know (for extra safety) how many other partners someone has. This is so we know that we can work with our partners on seeing them, and so we know if anything ever happens sexually how many people we are dealing with.

I do not have the right to know how many partners my partners partner has. I just assume they have other partners and ask that MY partner keep my sexual safety in mind.

3. We use protection sexually no ifs, ands, or buts!

Murf is mono so we are fluid bonded. Butch has no partners outside the marriage so we are fluid bonded. If Butch starts dating then back to condoms we will go. Safer sex is just respectful.

4. We ask for honesty on everything. We are a very open and honest couple, and talk about everything.

Somethings between Murf and I are NONE of Butch's business period. And vice versa. Neither one needs to know the nitty gritty of my my relationship with the other. Everyone deserves to have some privacy within their relationship.
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Yup. My setup is about like Dagferi's.

1. Mitch still hasn't met Woof and the kids, and we've been together for years. At this point it's mainly that it just hasn't been convenient to set up. But no way are people meeting my family in the dating stage.

2. Our lives are so intertwined, I probably would know if one of them was dating someone. But aside from scheduling negotiations (that is, if it changes something we normally do) and safe sex (a given, so I don't have to ask), I don't feel entitled to details.

3. Yup, fluid bonded vee. Condoms with outside partners, and simple notification, so that I/we can choose to add condoms within our dyad for extra protection.

4. Privacy matters a lot. Other relationships are not solely ours, but also owned by the other person. Sure, they could agree to full disclosure back to the "home partner(s)". But I wouldn't.
 
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I only have one rule. I ask that my partners be honest with me about their other sexual ventures so that I can make an informed decision whether to use condoms or not or even to keep having sexual contact with them or not.

Some might view that as a lack of privacy, but I am a very transparent person. Anybody who wants to have privacy when it comes to information pertaining to my sexual safety can go find another partner that it doesn't matter quite so much to.

I've had an STD before, though, so perhaps I'm more sensitive about it than others. It's just not an area I like to play around with, especially since, as a poly person, it isn't just me that can be impacted.
 
1. We have two children so we like to make sure that anyone we date can be friends with everyone. That way we can all do stuff together and it not be awkward.

Yep, my partner and I are the same. Now, he is protective of his kids, so we don't bring new people around them. But we insinuate that, should things get serious, the kids will be a natural part of our lives. For example, our girlfriend flew in to see us. I had to leave her alone for an hour while I spent time with him and the kids (it was too soon to bring her round). The idea being that she would be asked to play with them, as well, in the future, if she wants the most time with him and me possible.

2. We like to know who our partners are dating. We don't need details we just like to know (for extra safety) how many other partners someone has. This is so we know that we can work with our partners on seeing them, and so we know if anything ever happens sexually how many people we are dealing with.

Yep, we totally have the, "So who are you dating conversation?" We do it in a fun, I want to get to know you, way, so we've never had any issues with this. If anything, they overshare!

3. We use protection sexually no ifs, ands, or buts!

Fluid bonding remains within the dedicated polyship. If one has outside partners, that's fine, but he and I won't have unprotected sex with them.

4. We ask for honesty on everything. We are a very open and honest couple, and talk about everything.

He and I LOVE to talk about things. We tend to share in the natural course of the day. But of course some privacy is expected. I don't think you meant you have NO privacy at all?
 
PolyinPractice said:
1. We have two children so we like to make sure that anyone we date can be friends with everyone. That way we can all do stuff together and it not be awkward.

Yep, my partner and I are the same. Now, he is protective of his kids, so we don't bring new people around them. But we insinuate that, should things get serious, the kids will be a natural part of our lives. For example, our girlfriend flew in to see us. I had to leave her alone for an hour while I spent time with him and the kids (it was too soon to bring her round). The idea being that she would be asked to play with them, as well, in the future, if she wants the most time with him and me possible.

2. We like to know who our partners are dating. We don't need details we just like to know (for extra safety) how many other partners someone has. This is so we know that we can work with our partners on seeing them, and so we know if anything ever happens sexually how many people we are dealing with.

Yep, we totally have the, "So who are you dating conversation?" We do it in a fun, I want to get to know you, way, so we've never had any issues with this. If anything, they overshare!

3. We use protection sexually no ifs, ands, or buts!

Fluid bonding remains within the dedicated polyship. If one has outside partners, that's fine, but he and I won't have unprotected sex with them.

4. We ask for honesty on everything. We are a very open and honest couple, and talk about everything.

He and I LOVE to talk about things. We tend to share in the natural course of the day. But of course some privacy is expected. I don't think you meant you have NO privacy at all?
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No we do expect some privacy I have edited the post to better explain somethings. We just like people to be honest and be able to talk to both of us or whoever they are with so that if there are issues they can be talked about and resolved. Our relationship is built on communication and that is what we want from our partners as well. If they can't communicate with us, and be honest how will we be able to work with them.
 
In my opinion I shouldn't need to work out issues with my meta. That's the job of the hinge. I communicate my issues with her and she communicates with her other partner. I do not want to be in a relationship with 2 people, just the one.
 
WhatToDo said:
In my opinion I shouldn't need to work out issues with my meta. That's the job of the hinge. I communicate my issues with her and she communicates with her other partner. I do not want to be in a relationship with 2 people, just the one.
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This... There is no need for Butch and Murf to communicate unless there is an issue between them directly.

If I am upset with Butch or Murf and having issues with that is for ME to work out with the involved party and not bring my other partner into it. If I am upset and my partner notices and asks I answer with "I am upset but it doesn't involve you." It is not either of my husbands' job to solve my problems.
 
WhatToDo said:
In my opinion I shouldn't need to work out issues with my meta. That's the job of the hinge. I communicate my issues with her and she communicates with her other partner. I do not want to be in a relationship with 2 people, just the one.
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Huh. Does that work for you? (I'm only curious, as I felt the same way with a previous meta and it was an utter fail, so I figured that was a bad plan in general.)
 
WhatToDo said:
In my opinion I shouldn't need to work out issues with my meta. That's the job of the hinge. I communicate my issues with her and she communicates with her other partner. I do not want to be in a relationship with 2 people, just the one.
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That's exactly how I feel. I don't have anything to do with anyone Nate is seeing. It's their business what they do. I can't imagine a scenerio where I would need to communicate with people he sees.
 
My dynamic: I'm married to a straight man who isn't polyamorous, though he might hook up with a woman once in a blue moon, he isn't interested in maintaining a relationship with anyone else. I've been dating outside the marriage almost two years.

I'm mostly interested in women, though I will take a male lover as it suits me. These are secondary-type relationships, as is I'm not currently interested in living with another partner, sharing finances, co-parenting, etc.. So far I've only had one lover outside of my marriage at a time. I'm fine with my secondary having other partners, kids, dogs, but I'm not looking to date a couple, and there's a reason I choose not to have kids and dogs of my own, though I can enjoy both in small doses. If spending lots of time with kids, metamours, and dogs is a requirement for me to see my lover, I'll probably fade out.

Rules: My husband has earned a certain amount of "couple's privilege" in our 17 years together, so I've agreed that other men are Don't Ask, Don't Tell. My husband gets too jealous of men, and honestly, I'm not interested in anything more than fun and frolic with the male of our species. So far, no man I've been involved with has objected. Women are not subject to DADT, it's at my discretion what I tell hubby. I'm hoping for something deeper and more integrated into my life with the right woman. She and my husband can decide what they want to be to each other if anything: friend, lover, casual acquaintance, never talk, whatever.

The only other current rule is no sex in the house with outside partners. At times this has proved inconvenient, but at this point, I'm okay with the bedroom being my husband and my sacred space as a couple.
 
MusicalRose said:
I only have one rule. I ask that my partners be honest with me about their other sexual ventures so that I can make an informed decision whether to use condoms or not or even to keep having sexual contact with them or not.

Some might view that as a lack of privacy, but I am a very transparent person. Anybody who wants to have privacy when it comes to information pertaining to my sexual safety can go find another partner that it doesn't matter quite so much to.

I've had an STD before, though, so perhaps I'm more sensitive about it than others. It's just not an area I like to play around with, especially since, as a poly person, it isn't just me that can be impacted.
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Exactly. I live a very open life. Our friends and their partners and kids, our loves and their partners and kids all tend to socialize frequently at our house for a variety of activities and events.

I expect complete honesty about other partners.
I use protection.
However-the STI that I HAVE WHICH CAN NOT EVER GO AWAY-is contagious and can be spread even WITH CONDOM USE.
There are others that can as well.

I want to know if it's WORTH THE RISK TO ME to be in the sack with someone.

If they can't be honest to me about whether or not they are dating others-they don't need to be crawling up in my bed. Period.

I expect complete honesty from all of my partners and myself. That means we don't lie about stupid shit and we sure as hell don't lie about serious shit and my health and yours and your partners and my other partners is serious shit.

We don't require a person meet face to face. But we do require that everyone KNOWS that the other person(s) exist.

We also do require that before anyone meets the kids-they meet the household adults. Period. it's our job as a group to protect and raise our kids-we expect any adults (friends or lovers-has nothing to do with poly) who are going to be hanging out with the kids-to meet all three of us.

No one is allowed to hang out in our homes unless they have met all of us.

Anyone who wants to be in our home for any reason or spend time in the company of our children for any reason MUST be willing and able to be polite to ALL of us.

If someone just wants to be a fb or fwb they don't need to be around any of us at all. But it's probably pertinent for them to know that their time with one of us is going to be severely limited. None of us is willing to give up more than a couple of hours a month to a person who isn't going to participate in our real life. Whereas someone who is willing to be involved in our real life-could spend time with us pretty much all BUT one day a week (our date night) for the guys or two days a week (date nights) for me.
 
I don't abide by ever putting a third party in the middle of my communication with someone unless they are a trained therapist/mediator hired for that purpose.

Thus-if there is a conflict between myself and any other person, I deal with that myself.
I have the same rule going backwards. I will not be the "middle man" for anyone else. If they have a conflict-they need to deal with each other.

That said, many issues people THINK are between metamours, are not. As an example; If i am upset about how much time I am not getting with my partner-that is NOT an issue between me and the metamour. That is an issue between myself and my partner. He may in turn need to discuss a re-allotment of time with his other partner IF he decides he wants to re-allot time. But the issue of time available is between he and I.
 
I keep my relationships separate and my lovers only know that I have other lovers, but I feel no need to introduce any of them to each other. Nor do I want relationships with my metamours. Polite acknowledgement is enough for me. As far as having a set of rules, I don't get involved with people who need to be told how to treat me decently and with respect. I do voice any preferences and personal boundaries I have, but I feel that respectful adults shouldn't need rules.
 
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Inyourendo said:
How was it a fail?
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Well, arguably you could assign the communication fail to either my former metamour or the hinges in the relationships. There were things we both did that annoyed the other, and we never discussed them, expecting our hinges to handle it. This was hard on the men and things did get better once she and I started talking more directly - too late to save other things, but nonetheless...
 
icesong said:
Well, arguably you collapse sign the communication fail to either my former metamour or the hinges in the relationships. There were things we both did that annoyed the other, and we never discussed them, expecting our hinges to handle it. This was hard on the men and things did get better once she and I started talking more directly - too late to save other things, but nonetheless...
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What kind of thing did they do to annoy you? also if you had a relationship where you didn't have to see or deal with the meta then how did they get through to you to even have that ability?
 
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