Using polyamory as a guise?

[Tonberry]

What I find the weirdest here is that if the OP I said "I expect honestly from all my partners about who else they are dating. That's just the way I work/ what works best for me", nobody would have complained. But because her husband agrees with her (and he should, as should all her partners. You find partners who agree with your boundaries, that makes perfect sense), everyone is now giving her shit for it, and making her the "bad guy" when the guy she was seeing quite obviously broke a boundary of hers, and she has a history of abusive relationships that makes the guy's attitude even worse if he was aware of it.

I know there is a lot of couple privilege, and people not showing enough respect for partners they aren't married to. But this doesn't seem to be the case here. What I see here is a guy not showing enough respect to the OP, who happens to be married, but if she wasn't the situation would be pretty much the same anyways.

 

[KC43]

I agree with Tonberry.

As I see it (and feel free to correct me or give me your interpretation), "couple privilege" means the core couple gets to make all the decisions, regardless of whether or not secondary partners agree. Or at least the core couple *expects* to get to make all the decisions.

And note that I'm using "secondary" only to differentiate other partners from the spouses, and not to indicate the importance of those partners.

That doesn't sound like what the OP and her husband do. They set up rules and boundaries, but it sounded to me like they inform their secondary partners of what those boundaries are. They give those partners the *choice* of whether to become involved in a relationship that has those boundaries. The other partners can say "Sorry, not interested, I don't like the way you do things." But they're given the choice up front.

But just as the secondary partners have the *choice* of whether to agree to the boundaries or not, the couple has the *choice* of whether to engage in relationships with someone who isn't willing to agree to the boundaries.

That isn't couple privilege in my opinion. That's two people who agree on what they think is best for them, who choose partners who also agree on those things. It's boundaries they've set for their comfort and safety, where "their" includes not only the couple, but other partners who agree with those boundaries as well.

Someone else used drug use as an example. For me and hubby, drugs are a no-go. For me, alcohol is as well; I was raised by two alcoholics, and I can't tolerate being around someone who's been drinking. It sets off all the fear bombs in my brain. So, while I won't tell my other partners they can't drink, I do ask that they not drink *around me*. They can say they don't agree with that. I can say I'd rather not see them in that case. That isn't "sober person privilege", it's a boundary I've set up for my own comfort and my perception of safety.

 

[Kittykate]

I agree with Tonberry.

As I see it (and feel free to correct me or give me your interpretation), "couple privilege" means the core couple gets to make all the decisions, regardless of whether or not secondary partners agree. Or at least the core couple *expects* to get to make all the decisions.

And note that I'm using "secondary" only to differentiate other partners from the spouses, and not to indicate the importance of those partners.

That doesn't sound like what the OP and her husband do. They set up rules and boundaries, but it sounded to me like they inform their secondary partners of what those boundaries are. They give those partners the *choice* of whether to become involved in a relationship that has those boundaries. The other partners can say "Sorry, not interested, I don't like the way you do things." But they're given the choice up front.

But just as the secondary partners have the *choice* of whether to agree to the boundaries or not, the couple has the *choice* of whether to engage in relationships with someone who isn't willing to agree to the boundaries.

That isn't couple privilege in my opinion. That's two people who agree on what they think is best for them, who choose partners who also agree on those things. It's boundaries they've set for their comfort and safety, where "their" includes not only the couple, but other partners who agree with those boundaries as well.

Someone else used drug use as an example. For me and hubby, drugs are a no-go. For me, alcohol is as well; I was raised by two alcoholics, and I can't tolerate being around someone who's been drinking. It sets off all the fear bombs in my brain. So, while I won't tell my other partners they can't drink, I do ask that they not drink *around me*. They can say they don't agree with that. I can say I'd rather not see them in that case. That isn't "sober person privilege", it's a boundary I've set up for my own comfort and my perception of safety.

Yeah we like to sit down before we date anyone (we the person together first they know this upfront) and discuss our boundaries I guess you can call them, and we also ask if they have anything to add. Because we like to have everyone on good terms with eachother and friendly so this helps alot. This not only gives us the chance to see how the person feels but also is a safety thing for me. I for example can't do over nights because of my PTSD and I am comfortable with the person I am dating. We let anyone interested know up front unless you will be around for a long time you won't get an overnight. Anyone we've dated has known up front what they get into and are given the opportunity to add or ask questions. We don't just say hey you've got no choices we understand that everyone is their own person and we can't control that. And our big thing is that you don't just use either of us for a few flings if sex does happen. We want actual relationships not just FWB as we've had some people ask us for. And we like to at least know for safety reasons how many partners a person has and if they know they are poly if they are dating or married to someone because A) even though we use protection if we ever want to become fluid bonded we don't want our partners to be doing everyone and their dog, and B) it lets us know that hey this guy is interested in dating and trying poly but his wife doesn't know or approve so that is going to bring unwanted drama lets stay away from that. My partner blatantly lied when I asked if he was seeing someone, or had other partners. We don't ask for names, numbers, addresses of partners or anything lol we just ask if they are seeing others and what the extent of their relationship is.