Secondary Woes

T

TheSoberStripper

New member
Hello, I'm new to poly but I'm enjoying it so far. I'm dating two men right now, both of whom are in primary relationships. Paul dating another poly woman. They've been together 2 years and both actively date others. Eric is dating a monogamous woman. They've been together 6 months. The issue is with Eric.

He is from another state and is only in town for the summer. He may move here when he graduates college. If he can find a job in his field, he would like to.

His primary partner, Maura, does not want to know anything about the other women he dates. She agrees with poly in theory, but in practice is insecure. She is coming for an 11 day visit today. After getting the ok from Maura, Eric gave me her number and said I should text her. I did, and we talked for a bit. But then she called him very upset, saying she didn't want to meet me and she's hurt that he dates other people even though she supposedly feels ok about it from a logical standpoint. Emotionally she has a lot of issues with it. I know she wasn't upset due to something I said because we just talked about school and work and music. Nothing related to poly or Eric or anything beyond small talk.

I'm feeling hurt for a couple of reasons. One being that I want to meet her because I care about him and she's a big part of his life. The other being that he's not planning on spending any time with me the entire time she's here. That doesn't feel fair or balanced. He's leaving to go back to his home state on August 23. I don't get much more time with him and she gets him all year. I feel like my feelings should at least be given some consideration here, even though I'm not the primary partner.

I also feel like he's being kind of selfish by continuing to date a monogamous woman who is clearly hurt by the fact that he's poly. Yes, she should leave if it bothers her, but I recognize it's not always that simple. I feel for her.

And beyond that, I wonder if he'll even be in my life at all once he leaves.

Yes, I've expressed these feelings to him, and am planning on talking to him about it again when he wakes up. I can't sleep because I'm so upset about all of this.

(For what it's worth, Paul is very good about balancing my feelings and needs with those of his primary partner. I do not feel like I'm a burden on their relationship like I do with Eric and Maura. So I know this can be done better.)

Curious what you all think about this.
 
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Some people can tolerate poly but don't want it in there face. I have two partner but that wouldn't make it any easier on mr if Nate who has only had friend with benefits relationship up until now decided to get a serious girlfriend. I also don't want to meet people he's seeing. Its my preference and it wouldn't matter to me if a theoretical girlfriend wanted to meet me, I choose to not to and won't be forced.

Sounds like you've gotten him all to yourself so far this summer and will after she goea back before he leaves. 11 days for each of you? I don't think that's unfair. But I would ask him if you visit him if he won't see her during that time as well.

It's not your place to "feel for her" shes a big girl, plenty of mono people are with poly people my boyfriend included. Sometimes when you love someone you are willing to share if it means having some part of their life vs nothing.
 
Why the desire to meet her or even talk to her at all really? I don't know if this is more of a female thing, I don't know because Inyourendo feels the same way. I would never ask a girlfriend for her other partners number or want to call or text him. If we meet fine but I don't need to have an awkward getting to know you text conversation with him.
 
Sounds like she was trying to ignore the fact that he's poly, and your contact pretty much made it front-and-center obvious that she can't ignore it anymore, hence the rush of emotion.

I wouldn't be so quick to say she should leave if it bothers her. It took me quite a bit of time to even begin to articulate my emotions (when you're mono, and in mono relationships, the "rules" of such rarely trigger these emotions - it's tough to even realize what you're feeling at first). However, if she tries to hide her head in the sand again because she *doesn't* want to work through it, she's just dooming herself and her BF (and you, indirectly) to the same emotional cycle over and over again.

I still have things that bother me, and I think we're all pretty much on an even keel at this point. I don't think that being "poly-tolerant" or "poly-friendly" comes right away for many people - it's a process, or at least it was for me. To be cut off immediately just for stirring the pot would have turned me off instantly.
 
WhatToDo said:
Why the desire to meet her or even talk to her at all really? I don't know if this is more of a female thing, I don't know because Inyourendo feels the same way. I would never ask a girlfriend for her other partners number or want to call or text him. If we meet fine but I don't need to have an awkward getting to know you text conversation with him.
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I don't know. I thought that was kind of a part of this whole thing. He wants us to meet and I am interested in meeting her because she's an important part of his life.

Also, I didn't ask for her number. He asked her if it was ok to give me her number and she said yes. He gave it to me and I said "What? I'm supposed to text her? That's slightly terrifying." I had assumed he would introduce us. But they are both very shy and introverted and I'm extroverted so he thought having me initiate contact was the best course of action.

I don't know. I'm new to this. He's the first poly person I've ever dated. He's new to it too. This is really the first time he has actually dated someone else since he and Maura got together 6 months ago, although he has had sex outside the relationship.
 
Inyourendo said:
It's not your place to "feel for her" shes a big girl, plenty of mono people are with poly people my boyfriend included. Sometimes when you love someone you are willing to share if it means having some part of their life vs nothing.
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I understand that it's her choice. I feel badly because she called him crying saying she feels insecure and hurt by his actions and I know how that feels. I know I don't know her but I feel badly that I'm indirectly causing her pain.
 
She has to learn to navigate this situation. If they have been together 6 months, it's new for her also.

I am poly and have been nonmono my whole life (39 years old). But when I married tried to be mono (major fail).
After some 10 years or something we decided to do poly (long story not appropriate for this thread-can be found elsewhere on the board).
ANYWAY-I had a bf. But dh did not have anyone.
When he found a gf, I had a LOT to work through. It was NOT her fault. It was circumstance. Our circumstances changed. Up to that point I did NOT have to share his time/attention. I had to learn how to do that. She was a doll. I adored her. BUT the first time we talked I was on edge and had a very emotional falling apart afterward. Primarily due to unwarranted fears.
You need to understand that change is change-and this is a change for her. Period. SOME people navigate change well. Some people find it more difficult. EVEN IF SHE ACTUALLY believes in poly and wants to change; it is still a process.

SOME poly people do meet metamours. SOME do not. That is a personal choice. It's not YOUR choice to make for anyone but you. You can choose to say you prefer it. That's your right. You can tell HIM that you prefer it. You can tell him you won't date him unless it's an option and then if it isn't an option you can choose not to date him.
Like-another poster here, Nycindie. For Nyc-that would not be acceptable. But for me; meeting metamours is a requirement. Nyc and I can get along JUST FINE. But we wouldn't date because my requirement for meeting metamours is not acceptable to Nyc. THIS IS OK. It just means being responsible and understanding that your rules are YOUR OWN RULES. If he isn't agreeable to them-THAT IS HIS RIGHT-he has his own. Likewise-his other partner has HER OWN and that is HER RIGHT. It's called PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.
You don't get to tell other people what THEIR boundaries are. You can only decide if their boundaries are compatible with yours and if not-you have the right to "exit left".

I'm NOT saying there is anything wrong with wanting to meet.
But there IS something wrong with trying to force it.

Additionally; even in "real life" non-dating situations; we GENERALLY get to know MOST people slowly over a period of exposures with increasing contact. It's only a FEW people that we "suddenly have a great connection the first time we meet" and everything goes from 0-100 in 10 seconds flat.
She's not YOUR partner.
She talked to you. That's one exposure. Don't expect that it's suddenly going to be "omg this is my new best friend". You wouldn't do that to the barista. Don't do it to a metamour.
 
I'm not sure where people are getting the notion that I'm trying to force it. I told him to let her know that I wanted to meet her but have repeatedly expressed that it's ultimately her choice.

I don't expect her to be best friends. At all. I don't blame her for her reaction and I understand where she is coming from. I told him that it was important that he be sensitive to her needs and not force the issue.

I'm not sure how I came across as insensitive here. :( The reason I'm posting here is that I *am* concerned about her boundaries and needs. He's told me that she has trouble expressing her feelings and that she internalizes things and blames herself. And I know that he also has trouble communicating his feelings too. They're both younger. She is 21. He is 23. I'm 29.

He basically expected me to facillitate the meeting between the three of us and I felt like it might not be the best plan but I trusted that he knew us both and he thought that was a good plan. Clearly it wasn't. I'm trying to be mindful of everyone's feelings in the situation, including mine.

I will be disappointed if she doesn't want to meet me. But I won't try to make her and I know he won't either.
 
After re-reading my OP, I guess I see why you might think I'm trying to force it. I'm really not though. I'm just disappointed and having my own insecurities about my relationship with Eric.
 
It may not be so much that YOU came across that way here-as that SO MANY PEOPLE DO.
So those of us who are regulars, try to hit the key "BE WARY" behaviors first. It's not a judgment of you, but a warning.
Much like the tags on electric appliances-which so many of us read and think "WHO THE HELL needs a tag saying not to use their hairdryer in the shower". Well-someone did lol.

So we touch on the "this is REALLY dangerous" possible behaviors.
The more details you elaborate on, the more specific the suggestions will become. :)

Try to remember; on the board people don't actually know any of the details, so frequently their responses will EITHER assume worst case scenario in order to ensure that nothing TERRIBLE arises OR they respond from whatever issues have arisen for them personally in poly dynamics. ;)
 
She may have thought she'd be okay having a text convo, but then wasn't. I don't think it's you; it's the situation. She would prefer the bf be mono with her. She will have to decide whether to do the work or not.

If I were you, I'd take a step back from meeting her. She may work through it, but in the meantime,it's likely to cause a lot of drama between her and the bf. You don't need the aggravation.

While I applaud your consideration for her predicament, the only thing you can do is tend to the relationship between you and your bf. Let him know what your needs are. Something along the lines of, "I know she is struggling and I feel for her, but that doesn't change the fact that our relationship requires time too - especially when you are going to be gone for a year."

A lot of time the hinge gets bogged down tending to the one who is struggling, because the other, in this case, you, copes better. It can be a viciousness circle - she cries and gets his attention. Voila! So she keeps sharing her upset until pretty soon he is spending a huge chunk of time hoping that all of his consoling will help and she will change. Usually, this does not happen.
 
Honestly the only thing you need to worry about is yourself and your boyfriend. His relationship with her is his to manage. He shouldn't be trying to have you facilitate anything between the 3 of you
 
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