Moving in a positive direction

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Emmy37

New member
As many of you know I've had some struggles. The people on here have been my ear to listen when I needed it and my reality check when I deserved one. Some of the back story can be found here for those who don't know. I wanted to start a new thread so I can begin to move away from the old struggles. Continuously posting updates in that one felt like I was keeping myself stuck in something negative.

I wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone for taking the time to help me. Tonight I saw a huge improvement in how Bud and I were able to relate to one another when we talked. I pointed out some things to him he was doing that I thought were because of NRE or not thinking things through clearly. He thanked me for pointing it out to him. Then said he had not seen it the way that I was but would work on making sure he took my feelings into consideration in the future. We both left the conversation with a smile on our face feeling completely OK.

It was a small thing I pointed out. In the past I would have let it sit in my mind festering until my imagination made it huge. That change in me is directly related to the things said here on these forums about communicating our needs.
 
I'm really glad to hear that things are going better between you and Bud. As someone who is also going through a growth period in my relationship with my husband, I'm glad to see that the communication is improving. Way to go! Keep us posted!
 
It actually helped me to ask that the rules we have in place be dropped. I know it sounds odd to request not having rules about relationships but for me I do really badly with a lot of things planned out in advance. If every aspect of how we interact is planned or expected to go a certain way my brain goes into overload trying to make sure it goes as planned. Then if it doesn't my stress level goes sky high. A good example was Bud's attempt at being fair by saying he would have adult time at night with each of us on an alternating every other day schedule. We all sleep in the same bed but he usually only has sex with one of us at night. Sounds great in theory right? Wrong!!! I was making myself crazy thinking about my day, her day, what if something happens on my day do I miss my time or do I get her day to make up for it? Then you throw in the BDSM dynamic and I was all over the place emotionally. I finally asked Bud and Sweet Lady if we could drop all the rules both spoken & unspoken between us so we could be free to just love each other completely naturally in whatever way comes. When they both agreed it was a HUGE weight off my shoulders. The last two nights they've had sex completely spontaneously and I've felt absolutely nothing bad what so ever!!! (Although Sweet Lady and I did have our own spur of the moment adult time before we went to bed with Bud last night.) It's been amazing to see them holding each other tightly afterward, falling asleep in each others arms, the pure joy and contentment on their faces brings me so much happiness. I've also felt absolutely no pangs of jealousy that it hasn't been my turn with Bud. I know they both care about me. Their love for one another is not going to make them forget me. They just happen to be connecting with each other right at this moment and Sweet Lady and I have a pretty deep connection with one another too. We've started finishing each others sentences, knowing each others thoughts, reading what the other is thinking by the look on their face. Bud has said he noticed there was something pretty amazing between Sweet Lady and I by the way we look at each other. Don't get me wrong Bud and I still spend time together too. We are very hands on hugging, kissing, holding hands, snuggling each other any chance we get during the day.
 
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I know it sounds odd to request not having rules about relationships
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Actually, it's sounds really normal and practical to me. I'm glad that you all are feeling more accepting of the way things develop organically, and less in need of control over the process. Keep an ear to your feelings and keep and eye on your needs. It sounds great for now!
 
Emmy37 said:
It actually helped me to ask that the rules we have in place be dropped. I know it sounds odd to request not having rules about relationships . . .
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Not at all. Many, many polyamorists feel that rules are not only unnecessary, but detrimental to allowing space for relationships to develop naturally.

Emmy37 said:
We all sleep in the same bed but he usually only has sex with one of us at night. Sounds great in theory right?
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Great? Not really. Not everyone wants to live with and sleep with all their partners. The way you had it set up would drive me bonkers. I don't know how nor why any of you thought that would have worked out well.
 
nycindie said:
Not at all. Many, many polyamorists feel that rules are not only unnecessary, but detrimental to allowing space for relationships to develop naturally.


Great? Not really. Not everyone wants to live with and sleep with all their partners. The way you had it set up would drive me bonkers. I don't know how nor why any of you thought that would have worked out well.
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I'm setting up my own bedroom today in the house to sleep solo and the master bedroom I was previously in with Bud will become their room. No more driving anyone bonkers because it was. Sweet Lady made a comment about it last night after Bud left the room. If they want me present they'll know where to find me. If not they have their space.
 
im confused, i thought she had kids and her own home elsewhere. did she and her kids move in with you guys?

so you are moving out of your bedroom so sweetlady can sleep with bud every night while you sleep alone but you'll join them when they ask you to join them in "their" room, is this correct?
 
Emmy37 said:
I'm setting up my own bedroom today in the house to sleep solo and the master bedroom I was previously in with Bud will become their room. No more driving anyone bonkers because it was. Sweet Lady made a comment about it last night after Bud left the room. If they want me present they'll know where to find me. If not they have their space.
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Wait Wtf is up with this nonsense?

Why would you give up your bed every night to her?

She is starting to sound like a cowgirl slowly cutting her target from his herd.
 
Dagferi said:
Wait Wtf is up with this nonsense?

Why would you give up your bed every night to her?

She is starting to sound like a cowgirl slowly cutting her target from his herd.
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This was my first reaction.

My second was to look at her signature and the roles in the group. She is owned and submissive. I am not exactly sure what this means in their relationships, but if she is okay with this move, that's great.

I wonder about the nights she is laying in her new bed thinking about what's going on in the other room that she is not a part of anymore. Not even able to watch and share the glow of the feelings.

Maybe that spare bedroom shouldn't be Yours or His or Hers, but rather the bed where the one not sleeping with another goes to spend the night. Whether it be you when they are together or him when you and sweet lady are together or her when you and he are together.
 
My husband is a submissive by nature.

A good dom does not disregard their submissive's feelings not treat them like shit. t doesn't mean the dominant person gets to do whatever they want.
 
Forgive me if I'm misremembering, but wasn't it your family (OP) where your daughter was struggling a bit with having Sweet Lady around too much? I would think that seeing her mom move out of the shared bedroom to accommodate Sweet Lady would probably not benefit this situation.
 
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