My husband and I are both bisexual. We have been together for nearly two decades but only opened our relationship to others a few years ago. In that time our sexual experiences have been a swinging type friends with benefits situation with other committed couples. However what I have found is that I have a great attraction and level of friendship with the women in the couples, but I have no interest in any of the men. I was basically taking one for the team as we were doing this as a couple. Recently we talked about seeing single people as a couple and doing it as more of a poly relationship than a swinging relationship. However, the majority of people we have met are other men. Very recently we met the perfect guy. We have loads in common, we all get along great. The guys have begun to develop a friendship and I can see this becoming a long term relationship. All of our dates to this point have been all 3 of us together which given the fact that both guys are bi was working out extremely well. What could be the problem you might say? Now he has decided that he wants us to go back to dating couples and limit our time with this guy. We talked about it and I thought that if he was wanting another woman to be a part of our relationship that a single woman would be great. If she's bi and she and I develop a relationship great or if she's straight and is just interested in him that would be great too. But he has no interest in seeking out a woman. His only solution is for me to find a couple where I can tolerate the guy. Any suggestions on where to go from here would be much appreciated.
Poly with Changing ules
- Thread starter loupoly
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Candiedlove
New member
This makes sense for swingers. But not so much if you let feelings get involved.
What do you want? Are you interested in "keeping everything in house"? Meaning dating either singles or couples but together with both of you? Are both of you opposed to dating individually? That's probably going to be much harder for him than it is for you but that leaves you free to date other men, women or whoever you connect with without having to meet two peoples needs.
When we first started seeing this particular guy we had a discussion about dating individually and he was completely open to the idea. He is the type of person that doesn't get emotionally attached to other people and for him it is more of a friends with benefits situation. I, on the other hand, am always open for love and emotional attachment and I can see the relationship headed that way for me. I don't intend to, but I just let whatever happens, happen. I wouldn't be interested in dating someone he doesn't connect with at all, at least on a friendship level, but it definitely wouldn't have to be someone he has an attraction or sexual relationship with as well.
For me, feelings always get involved. It's just the way I'm wired. For him, the attachment isn't emotional to anyone but me.
reflections
New member
Sorry things have been difficult for you. 
There are a lot of differences between swinging and poly (though some people do both!), and I think you need to talk about what you truly want. Knowing your wants will help guide your decisions here.
What was his reason for wanting to limit time with this new guy? What changed?
Have you two talked about the possibility of falling in love with other people? Where do you and he stand on that?
There are a lot of differences between swinging and poly (though some people do both!), and I think you need to talk about what you truly want. Knowing your wants will help guide your decisions here.What was his reason for wanting to limit time with this new guy? What changed?
Have you two talked about the possibility of falling in love with other people? Where do you and he stand on that?
Sorry things have been difficult for you.
What was his reason for wanting to limit time with this new guy? What changed?
Have you two talked about the possibility of falling in love with other people? Where do you and he stand on that?
I think his reasoning with the new guy was he thought it was too much too fast and even though he won't say so I think he started to question his openness with individual dating. I think better communication for the 2 of us is in order. He doesn't see the possibility of falling in love with other people for himself, but I do and I think it's going to take a lot of openness between us for him to understand that me loving someone else won't take away from my love for him. I'm just rambling now, but it helps to get my thoughts together.
reflections
New member
I definitely agree about the importance of communication. It sounds like he might be polysexual, but monoamorous, while you may identify with being polyamorous. You both need to reflect on your wants and discuss areas that you're willing to stretch/grow.
I feel for you and can connect on a personal level. My husband and I opened the relationship several years ago, with our eye on swinging. I wasn't sure at the time what I wanted, but I quickly learned I was looking for an emotional connection, not just sex. I hadn't planned on falling in love with my new partner. My hubby shared with me his sadness that we had limited swinging experiences as a couple (and I wasn't into straight up sex), but we had agreed to never "take one for the team" for each other. I encouraged him to seek other partners, and although he frequently emphasized that he just wanted sex, he quickly fell in love with his new partner, who he's been dating for a few months.
Communication will make or break you in any relationship, but especially poly relationships. I highly recommend that you both put all your cards on the table. If he's apprehensive about polyamory, you can always suggest he create a profile here to discuss some of his concerns. Limiting your time with this guy won't prevent feelings from developing - it's not something you can control!
Hope that helps!
I definitely agree about the importance of communication. It sounds like he might be polysexual, but monoamorous, while you may identify with being polyamorous. You both need to reflect on your wants and discuss areas that you're willing to stretch/grow.
Communication will make or break you in any relationship, but especially poly relationships. I highly recommend that you both put all your cards on the table. If he's apprehensive about polyamory, you can always suggest he create a profile here to discuss some of his concerns. Limiting your time with this guy won't prevent feelings from developing - it's not something you can control!
Hope that helps!
You have helped more than you know. I think you hit the nail on the head so to speak with him being polysexual but monoamorous. He enjoys the friendship component, but he isn't interested in a relationship per se outside of ours. We have always had a wonderful open way of communicating and I think that is why we have been able to have such a successful relationship and I don't want to damage what we have. He is my soulmate and I wouldn't do anything to damage my relationship with him. But I have a greater capacity for loving multiple people. You are right that limiting time won't prevent feelings from developing as it has already begun. I have already begun building an emotional attachment to the new guy. I'm over the moon happy, I know NRE, but the funny thing is that it is boosted my husband's and my relationship too. I'm just looking for guidance and I will encourage him to get on here and do the same for himself. Thank you.
I wouldn't say he is mistrustful, just has a fear of the unknown. I think deep down everyone has at least a little apprehension about change. It will just take time and a willingness to communicate on both our parts to keep that level of apprehension at a manageable level. Maybe I'm delusional or overly optimistic though.
maxnsue
Inactive
Sorry things have been difficult for you.
What was his reason for wanting to limit time with this new guy? What changed?
Have you two talked about the possibility of falling in love with other people? Where do you and he stand on that?
I am an old timer. Let's just say I am well over 60. For my wife and I, poly meant relationships with love among all the members of the relationship. Now it seems that people just want to have someone handy if they cannot find anyone else to have sex with. Calling it a fancy name does not change what we call having your cake and eating it too. My wife and I did a little swinging and wife swapping and never considered that poly. There was not a relationship at all which is why we stopped doing it. That and the high divorce rate due to one of the spouses falling in love with a sex partner.
Despite the success of our triad, I do not recommend poly to people. We saw a lot more marriages destroyed than saved by it. The odds are against you. Perhaps that is why we still cannot find any long married poly couples.
Poly for us means relationships as well. I'm not out searching for random people to have sex with, I can get as much of that as I want at home with my husband. The whole point of our transition from just swinging in a friends with benefits kind of way was the same reason you stopped doing it. It's not a relationship in the sense that at least I desire. For me, falling in love with another person does not change my love for my husband either. We aren't looking to save a marriage as ours doesn't need saving, it's never been in any danger.
I get that I am apparently in over my head here which is why I was seeking advice and guidance. I want to learn from others mistakes so that I don't make them myself. I'm going to make plenty of mistakes in life so I figure avoiding any I can is a good idea.
reflections
New member
I think it's great that you're looking ahead to see what kinds of mistakes you can avoid. Talking with your husband about your desires for a relationship, not just swinging, seems like the first step. It sounds like you're already head over heels for this new guy, but if your husband isn't interested in dating him, can you still date him on your own, not as a couple? Will your husband be willing to accept you loving multiple people?
Reading as much as you can here on the forum and other books (Opening Up, More Than Two) will help you figure out what you want and may help hubby understand the reasons why you'd want another relationship. That you don't love him any less (if anything, you may love him more for accepting you as you are).
Keep us posted!
Reading as much as you can here on the forum and other books (Opening Up, More Than Two) will help you figure out what you want and may help hubby understand the reasons why you'd want another relationship. That you don't love him any less (if anything, you may love him more for accepting you as you are).
Keep us posted!
I think it's great that you're looking ahead to see what kinds of mistakes you can avoid. Talking with your husband about your desires for a relationship, not just swinging, seems like the first step. It sounds like you're already head over heels for this new guy, but if your husband isn't interested in dating him, can you still date him on your own, not as a couple? Will your husband be willing to accept you loving multiple people?
Reading as much as you can here on the forum and other books (Opening Up, More Than Two) will help you figure out what you want and may help hubby understand the reasons why you'd want another relationship. That you don't love him any less (if anything, you may love him more for accepting you as you are).
Keep us posted!
We have spent a good deal of time talking it out lately and we did some reading together and separately. I think the most enlightening read for me was Poly Hell. It helped me to avoid the pitfall of dismissing his feelings and also made me conscious of appropriately dividing time and making sure that the time spent with each of them is focused. I will take your advice on reading Opening Up and More than Two as well. At the end of our last discussion he did acknowledge that just me dating him was definitely an option and he is slowly opening up to the idea that it is possible for me to love 2 people without my love for either of them being diminished. The new relationship is just approaching 2 months old so time will tell if it lasts and continues to develop, but at least now everyone is on board with letting it proceed naturally. Thank you for your kind words and advice. I really appreciate it.
reflections
New member
Sounds like you're off to a great start! Glad to hear things are going well. As an added note, I think time can be wonderfully helpful. While I was in a relationship with my guy for 3.5 years (LDR, started as FWB but turned into love about 1-2 years ago), I struggled a lot recently with my husband dating the first person outside of his and my relationship. It was definitely poly hell for me for 1-2 months. But after lots and lots of communication, lots of reassurance, and getting used to the idea and new schedule changes, I've gotten to a much better place. Does that mean I don't feel jealous anymore? Not at all, but I'm willing to accept it as an emotion without having to act on it. And when I feel the strong urge to act on it, then it's giving me important information about needing to get my needs met within his and my relationship.
Wishing you only the best!
Wishing you only the best!
I have a very slowly growing LDR with my husband's best friend (and my ex confusingly) that has been going on about five years.
There were very few things we were allowed to do at the start (he has his own primary relationship) but it slowly expanded as comfort levels grew. This was someone I loved very much already and I had no intention of risking his position in our lives by pushing for things to happen. It was enough for a long time to just be able to be honest with everyone about our feelings.
There were very few things we were allowed to do at the start (he has his own primary relationship) but it slowly expanded as comfort levels grew. This was someone I loved very much already and I had no intention of risking his position in our lives by pushing for things to happen. It was enough for a long time to just be able to be honest with everyone about our feelings.
I'm beginning to understand the importance of not rushing and letting myself fall so easily and so fast. My self protective guard is up now. Time will tell...