Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love
- Thread starter Bluebird
- Start date
Bluebird
Well-known member
A quick post before I run out to lunch! I spent yesterday making flowers.
PunkRock's boutonnière:
Top of my bouquet:
I made a lariat necklace the other day - it can be wrapped and tied lots of different ways, and I am excited about how it turned out. Can't get it to load and post. Oh well. I am off to Subway.
PunkRock's boutonnière:
Top of my bouquet:
I made a lariat necklace the other day - it can be wrapped and tied lots of different ways, and I am excited about how it turned out. Can't get it to load and post. Oh well. I am off to Subway.
thirteenth
New member
Really pretty. Excellent colors -- that's basically my favorite color combo. And the feathers are a really neat touch. 
reflections
New member
Stunning!!!
Loving all the pictures, thanks for sharing them!
Loving all the pictures, thanks for sharing them!
Bluebird
Well-known member
Thanks bunches for the compliments. I did some odds and ends for the wedding today - looked at suits and prices online for PunkRock and tried to figure if him wearing a gray suit would be ok if I were to buy a silver dress. I got a call from a life insurance company that I will call back tomorrow to make an appointment for next week. Mostly I was sort of floating through the day because I was distracted by drama coming from...can you guess where? My sister.
Venting alert!
She started a post on Facebook asking when people thought tax refunds would be back and I posted that I hadn't been able to file yet. My brother posted that I should hurry up and call the social security office because he was getting back over $300. My sister flipped out and said she was getting screwed again by her terrible & selfish family. Ugh.
The back story on this is that my dad started getting disability a few months before I graduated high school & moved out on my own. My sister had moved out already - she's younger than me, but she dropped out of high school and wanted to live with her then-boyfriend who was a loser. Anyway, my mom called me the other day that she had received a letter that my brother and I were owed money from way back when because social security had underpaid or something. I hadn't followed up. Apparently my brother is getting a little bit of money, but honestly, if he's getting around $300, my amount will probably be around $20. Seriously, I was only a dependent for a few months during this time period, while my brother was for years.
Somehow, this underpayment is terribly unfair because my sister won't get any. Whatever. She also posted about how when my dad got his back pay, when he first was approved for disability, my mom guilted her into giving up $1500. I almost flipped my shit when she posted that, but instead I ignored it. She owed my mom money, and me. She had lived with me for a month or so when her then-boyfriend went to jail, and had accepted a crap-ton of calls from the jail. My phone was going to be disconnected because of $800 worth of shit from her. My mom got the money, and gave it to me. Selective memory, I suppose.
After this garbage, my sister's mother in law writes to me saying that I should have been supporting myself instead of living with my parents. Um, I was still in high school and 17! I think my mom and dad received 3 or 4 checks because I was a minor and a dependent, and I certainly never saw any of the cash.
So I just ignored those posts after a while. It wasn't on my wall at all, and it was just complaining. That said, it put me on edge for pretty much the rest of the day.
I got snuggles and hugs from both my guys when they finished work though, and that helped a lot.
Then tonight, out of nowhere, my sister posts a link on her own wall to an article that says polygamy is illegal. I don't know why she can't be happy with her own life and stop trying to cause issues with me. I responded with definitions of polyamory, polygamy and bigamy, and a link to the more than two FAQ. All of which I have done before.
I feel really sorry for her, most of the time. The other times I am anxious and stressed. DarkKnight says he is unfriending her on Facebook, and PunkRock says I should do the same. I won't though, because, well, I don't know.
Sigh.
Venting alert!
She started a post on Facebook asking when people thought tax refunds would be back and I posted that I hadn't been able to file yet. My brother posted that I should hurry up and call the social security office because he was getting back over $300. My sister flipped out and said she was getting screwed again by her terrible & selfish family. Ugh.
The back story on this is that my dad started getting disability a few months before I graduated high school & moved out on my own. My sister had moved out already - she's younger than me, but she dropped out of high school and wanted to live with her then-boyfriend who was a loser. Anyway, my mom called me the other day that she had received a letter that my brother and I were owed money from way back when because social security had underpaid or something. I hadn't followed up. Apparently my brother is getting a little bit of money, but honestly, if he's getting around $300, my amount will probably be around $20. Seriously, I was only a dependent for a few months during this time period, while my brother was for years.
Somehow, this underpayment is terribly unfair because my sister won't get any. Whatever. She also posted about how when my dad got his back pay, when he first was approved for disability, my mom guilted her into giving up $1500. I almost flipped my shit when she posted that, but instead I ignored it. She owed my mom money, and me. She had lived with me for a month or so when her then-boyfriend went to jail, and had accepted a crap-ton of calls from the jail. My phone was going to be disconnected because of $800 worth of shit from her. My mom got the money, and gave it to me. Selective memory, I suppose.
After this garbage, my sister's mother in law writes to me saying that I should have been supporting myself instead of living with my parents. Um, I was still in high school and 17! I think my mom and dad received 3 or 4 checks because I was a minor and a dependent, and I certainly never saw any of the cash.
So I just ignored those posts after a while. It wasn't on my wall at all, and it was just complaining. That said, it put me on edge for pretty much the rest of the day.
I got snuggles and hugs from both my guys when they finished work though, and that helped a lot.
Then tonight, out of nowhere, my sister posts a link on her own wall to an article that says polygamy is illegal. I don't know why she can't be happy with her own life and stop trying to cause issues with me. I responded with definitions of polyamory, polygamy and bigamy, and a link to the more than two FAQ. All of which I have done before.
I feel really sorry for her, most of the time. The other times I am anxious and stressed. DarkKnight says he is unfriending her on Facebook, and PunkRock says I should do the same. I won't though, because, well, I don't know.
Sigh.
Perhaps being accustomed to her low standard of behavior makes it somewhat easier to remain exposed to it (e.g. on Facebook)?
I can act really cold towards family members sometimes. I have ceased contact with my dad due to the behavior of his wife (not my mom) which he of course condones/cooperates with. Sounds like a rotten thing for me to do, but people who know my dad's wife will tend to sympathize with my position.
I can act really cold towards family members sometimes. I have ceased contact with my dad due to the behavior of his wife (not my mom) which he of course condones/cooperates with. Sounds like a rotten thing for me to do, but people who know my dad's wife will tend to sympathize with my position.
Bluebird
Well-known member
Today was the one year anniversary of my first date with PunkRock! I came up with some great date ideas, but all of them ended up un-do-able, so we got up this morning and drove to DC. (It's an hour and 30 minutes from where we live.) We ended up at the Smithsonian American Art Museum, which shares a building with the National Portrait Gallery. We had a great time at both, and bought an ornament for our Christmas tree.
Squee! I love this guy so much. I can't imagine not having him in my life. We have so many plans for the future - things look awesomesauce! We talked a bit about those plans today, and about our first date. It was super sweet and every time I look at him, I can't help but smile.
When we came home tonight, I jumped into my van and went to Dunkin Donuts with DarkKnight for a reconnect, since I didn't see him all day. That was nice. Apparently the owners of the home we rent came over and fixed a bunch of stuff. A plumber is coming tomorrow. So stuff got done while I was gone!
This week is busy - I have laundry & grocery shopping tomorrow, and I'm taking my youngest to go get her passport. Tuesday afternoon PunkRock and I have an appointment with an insurance agent to discuss options that we might not have thought of for our long term needs. Thursday starts the Spring homeschool co-op, but thankfully I am just co-teaching two classes and won't be responsible for lesson plans!
Oh! I wanted to write that PunkRock and I put together a wedding registry on Amazon.com, just in case someone wanted to buy us gifts. Doubtful, but possible, I figured. 2 days later, we get a present in the mail! Super sweet! It was a board game - Ticket to Ride Europe. I am super stoked to play it! One of PunkRock's closest friends sent it. Awww. I was thinking maybe some of his extended family might want to send something - I never thought about friends. Now he is busy adding more things tonight. Lol I like to think of a must-have list, because more than likely, if these aren't bought as gifts, we will eventually buy them anyway. I haven't announced it anywhere, and no one has asked, but I wanted to be prepared, just in case. I am sure my family would have some snide remarks. Oh well!
Squee! I love this guy so much. I can't imagine not having him in my life. We have so many plans for the future - things look awesomesauce! We talked a bit about those plans today, and about our first date. It was super sweet and every time I look at him, I can't help but smile.
When we came home tonight, I jumped into my van and went to Dunkin Donuts with DarkKnight for a reconnect, since I didn't see him all day. That was nice. Apparently the owners of the home we rent came over and fixed a bunch of stuff. A plumber is coming tomorrow. So stuff got done while I was gone!
This week is busy - I have laundry & grocery shopping tomorrow, and I'm taking my youngest to go get her passport. Tuesday afternoon PunkRock and I have an appointment with an insurance agent to discuss options that we might not have thought of for our long term needs. Thursday starts the Spring homeschool co-op, but thankfully I am just co-teaching two classes and won't be responsible for lesson plans!
Oh! I wanted to write that PunkRock and I put together a wedding registry on Amazon.com, just in case someone wanted to buy us gifts. Doubtful, but possible, I figured. 2 days later, we get a present in the mail! Super sweet! It was a board game - Ticket to Ride Europe. I am super stoked to play it! One of PunkRock's closest friends sent it. Awww. I was thinking maybe some of his extended family might want to send something - I never thought about friends. Now he is busy adding more things tonight. Lol I like to think of a must-have list, because more than likely, if these aren't bought as gifts, we will eventually buy them anyway.
I haven't announced it anywhere, and no one has asked, but I wanted to be prepared, just in case. I am sure my family would have some snide remarks. Oh well!
Bluebird
Well-known member
So...I've been texting with this guy. Nothing inappropriate - meaning nothing beyond friendly banter. I have known him for a while from trivia, and both my guys know who he is, but the last couple of days we've been chatting a lot more.
And I don't know what to do with that. I am happy and content with DarkKnight and PunkRock. Sometimes I wish I had a 3rd to take the edge off, but mostly I feel good about the amount of sex I am having. I certainly feel cherished and loved and whole. I enjoy the family we are and the shared goals and dreams we have together.
I do have urges for play parties and NSA sex from time to time but they pass. I don't want to get into testing all the time again and buying condoms. Wearing and worrying about my diaphragm again.
Anyway, this guy is single. He's really nice, funny and very intelligent. I appreciate his friendship. I am not at all sure what he thinks about polyamory, if he is even interested in me or what he is looking for in chatting with me. I know that he is the type of guy I normally get gooey over, and for that reason, since Saturday, I feel like it's sort of dangerous to talk to him, even on a friend level, or else I might become more interested and I really am not sure if I want to open myself up to something potentially messy.
Sigh.
And I don't know what to do with that. I am happy and content with DarkKnight and PunkRock. Sometimes I wish I had a 3rd to take the edge off, but mostly I feel good about the amount of sex I am having. I certainly feel cherished and loved and whole. I enjoy the family we are and the shared goals and dreams we have together.
I do have urges for play parties and NSA sex from time to time but they pass. I don't want to get into testing all the time again and buying condoms. Wearing and worrying about my diaphragm again.
Anyway, this guy is single. He's really nice, funny and very intelligent. I appreciate his friendship. I am not at all sure what he thinks about polyamory, if he is even interested in me or what he is looking for in chatting with me. I know that he is the type of guy I normally get gooey over, and for that reason, since Saturday, I feel like it's sort of dangerous to talk to him, even on a friend level, or else I might become more interested and I really am not sure if I want to open myself up to something potentially messy.
Sigh.
Bluebird
Well-known member
Well, I talked to both of my guys separately today. DarkKnight was open and not really caring one way or another. Which honestly was what I expected. He trusts me and knows me and just wants me to be happy - whatever I choose is fine with him. PunkRock was another story, which also was what I expected.
He said hanging out, no problem. Anything more than that - the thought made him feel a little sad. He said he wouldn't say yes or no, but it wasn't a whole-hearted yes. He said he understands that I am poly and if I wasn't, he wouldn't even be in my life, so he can't dismiss it - it's something he knows I need. He said if I take things slow and talk to him along the way, he would probably be ok. It's just he hasn't done any emotional work to ready himself for this sort of thing.
I told him that I have emotional work to do before jumping in to anything, so no worries there. I don't even know when I will be seeing this guy again, so any talk of a relationship is premature at this point, logistically. I can't imagine having a third primary - I have my kids still and they take up a section of my life too. This guy would have to be ok with being a secondary when it comes to time, and I don't like the thought of dumping someone in a spot labeled that.
Right now I am going to just leave things open-ended and not pursue this guy at all. If he wants to get to know me better and continues texting me, then I will ask him point blank about polyamory and if he is interested in dating. That's how I did things with PunkRock in the beginning and I like the idea because it puts everything in the open with no ambiguity. Then I will see if what he is looking for is even possible, given my everything else in my life.
He said hanging out, no problem. Anything more than that - the thought made him feel a little sad. He said he wouldn't say yes or no, but it wasn't a whole-hearted yes. He said he understands that I am poly and if I wasn't, he wouldn't even be in my life, so he can't dismiss it - it's something he knows I need. He said if I take things slow and talk to him along the way, he would probably be ok. It's just he hasn't done any emotional work to ready himself for this sort of thing.
I told him that I have emotional work to do before jumping in to anything, so no worries there. I don't even know when I will be seeing this guy again, so any talk of a relationship is premature at this point, logistically. I can't imagine having a third primary - I have my kids still and they take up a section of my life too. This guy would have to be ok with being a secondary when it comes to time, and I don't like the thought of dumping someone in a spot labeled that.
Right now I am going to just leave things open-ended and not pursue this guy at all. If he wants to get to know me better and continues texting me, then I will ask him point blank about polyamory and if he is interested in dating. That's how I did things with PunkRock in the beginning and I like the idea because it puts everything in the open with no ambiguity. Then I will see if what he is looking for is even possible, given my everything else in my life.
Bluebird
Well-known member
PunkRock and I had a meeting this afternoon with a life insurance agent from StateFarm. We've been looking at quotes for term insurance for both DarkKnight and PunkRock. The prices were about what we expected. We have another appointment at our house next Monday with a TransAmerica rep, for comparison, and DarkKnight will be able to attend that one. Long term planning tires me out!
I hope to finish DarkKnight's taxes this evening. I am waiting to get information still from PunkRock on his - he didn't get health insurance until December, so he is going to have to pay a penalty, I think. Thankfully the refund on DarkKnight's taxes will cover what PunkRock owes. I don't understand the thinking that if someone couldn't afford insurance, that they should have to pay money now. They probably still don't have money, asswipes. Ugh.
I took my daughter to get the first vaccination she needs for her trip to Nepal. She got her initial dose for Hepititis A. She'll get a second one in August. I have to sit and due more research on suggested ones. No hurry, so I will worry about that later this month.
I hope to finish DarkKnight's taxes this evening. I am waiting to get information still from PunkRock on his - he didn't get health insurance until December, so he is going to have to pay a penalty, I think. Thankfully the refund on DarkKnight's taxes will cover what PunkRock owes. I don't understand the thinking that if someone couldn't afford insurance, that they should have to pay money now. They probably still don't have money, asswipes. Ugh.
I took my daughter to get the first vaccination she needs for her trip to Nepal. She got her initial dose for Hepititis A. She'll get a second one in August. I have to sit and due more research on suggested ones. No hurry, so I will worry about that later this month.
WhatHappened
Active member
One would think.
Bluebird
Well-known member
Well, after some discussion last night and this morning, PunkRock and I are now thinking of attending the Loving More Poly Conference in Philadelphia this month. Our taxes coming back should make it affordable, and I can jiggle the budget so it works out. I am really, really excited about it!
The hold up right now is the question of whether PunkRock can get off of work or not. He is hoping so. I could go by myself - I actually have a friend who might attend with me if that happens - but I am not keen on driving around Philly in a minivan. His little car would be much easier, that's for sure.
The cost is $125 per person, for just the conference fee. DarkKnight said he would attend if I wanted the support, but he isn't interested in any of the workshop topics and he's introverted, so it doesn't make much sense for him to go. He says he'd rather take the $125 and plan a day in DC with me, so we decided to do that instead. lol So, this Sunday, we're going to go over and maybe do the Natural History Museum. He hasn't been there yet, and I've been twice. So I will enjoy showing him around. He also mentioned possibly going to NYC and the Hayden Planetarium, but he had to check the bus schedules. I know we can catch a bus round trip for $30. So, we'll see!
The hold up right now is the question of whether PunkRock can get off of work or not. He is hoping so. I could go by myself - I actually have a friend who might attend with me if that happens - but I am not keen on driving around Philly in a minivan. His little car would be much easier, that's for sure.
The cost is $125 per person, for just the conference fee. DarkKnight said he would attend if I wanted the support, but he isn't interested in any of the workshop topics and he's introverted, so it doesn't make much sense for him to go. He says he'd rather take the $125 and plan a day in DC with me, so we decided to do that instead. lol So, this Sunday, we're going to go over and maybe do the Natural History Museum. He hasn't been there yet, and I've been twice. So I will enjoy showing him around.
He also mentioned possibly going to NYC and the Hayden Planetarium, but he had to check the bus schedules. I know we can catch a bus round trip for $30. So, we'll see!
Bluebird
Well-known member
Well, fuck a duck - PunkRock was already on the schedule, so he couldn't get the time off to attend the conference. I was seriously bummed earlier today, since I had gotten all sorts of excited about going. Then I got into a bad head space, and was in a total funk the entire rest of the day.
The rest of this is stream of consciousness writing - so sorry it's so long!
I started thinking about dating again, and how exactly that might work, what it might look like with me already having two primaries who are so very essential to every fiber of my being, and how much drama it could possibly entail. It's daunting. Most of all though, I was so worried about PunkRock, and how it might send HIM into a bad headspace, and how I never want to hurt him, at all, ever. But the fact remains - I'm poly. I feel like he may have this idea of me as being settled down now and fine with just our polyfi family, but it really isn't going to work that way. I really, really wanted it to be just the three of us, always, but it isn't realistic.
So, what to do? I have been really struggling with this for a few days now. Well, longer, but I was ignoring my situation until this issue came up with the texting dude this weekend. (Who has not texted me in a couple of days - which is good, because now I have space to figure out what I want.) I have been afraid to talk more about my feelings with PunkRock, again because I am worried about hurting him, and worried about him telling me he can't handle me being with anyone else.
But that is terrible. It will only make things worse if I don't communicate. We had a little bit of a discussion, had sex, and then went to sleep this afternoon. After dinner, I was sitting in the living room, and he came in and asked me why I was being so weird, basically. Then I remembered why I love him so fucking much. Seriously, he always, always, ALWAYS gives me a safe space to talk out what I'm thinking. He offers it up and then listens.
So, I remembered that he loves me, and he is present and he has always supported my crazy. We talked it through and I am much better now. He re-iterated that he loves ME, and that means my poly self, my high sex drive and my heart. He says he wants to work on getting himself ready for me dating, and that he's in this for life - long term, forever.
I feel bad that I shut him down in my head and forget that he has never done anything to make me question his care and concern for me. At every juncture, at every turning, he grabs my hand and holds tight.
Yeah. So now I am going to work on me - and figure out what exactly I want and need from an outside relationship, and what I want it to look like. I'm really not sure. I'm scared, honestly. I don't really want to go through a string of play parties and random dates. I want to be discerning. I want to find someone that will fit into the space I create - whatever that looks like. I need to figure out what I can offer.
How long that will take, I don't know. I have a wedding to plan, after all. But I do know that I will do it with two amazing men in my life who make me feel wonderful, and whole and happy and not broken. That's pretty great.
The rest of this is stream of consciousness writing - so sorry it's so long!
I started thinking about dating again, and how exactly that might work, what it might look like with me already having two primaries who are so very essential to every fiber of my being, and how much drama it could possibly entail. It's daunting. Most of all though, I was so worried about PunkRock, and how it might send HIM into a bad headspace, and how I never want to hurt him, at all, ever. But the fact remains - I'm poly. I feel like he may have this idea of me as being settled down now and fine with just our polyfi family, but it really isn't going to work that way. I really, really wanted it to be just the three of us, always, but it isn't realistic.
So, what to do? I have been really struggling with this for a few days now. Well, longer, but I was ignoring my situation until this issue came up with the texting dude this weekend. (Who has not texted me in a couple of days - which is good, because now I have space to figure out what I want.) I have been afraid to talk more about my feelings with PunkRock, again because I am worried about hurting him, and worried about him telling me he can't handle me being with anyone else.
But that is terrible. It will only make things worse if I don't communicate. We had a little bit of a discussion, had sex, and then went to sleep this afternoon. After dinner, I was sitting in the living room, and he came in and asked me why I was being so weird, basically. Then I remembered why I love him so fucking much. Seriously, he always, always, ALWAYS gives me a safe space to talk out what I'm thinking. He offers it up and then listens.
So, I remembered that he loves me, and he is present and he has always supported my crazy. We talked it through and I am much better now. He re-iterated that he loves ME, and that means my poly self, my high sex drive and my heart. He says he wants to work on getting himself ready for me dating, and that he's in this for life - long term, forever.
I feel bad that I shut him down in my head and forget that he has never done anything to make me question his care and concern for me. At every juncture, at every turning, he grabs my hand and holds tight.
Yeah. So now I am going to work on me - and figure out what exactly I want and need from an outside relationship, and what I want it to look like. I'm really not sure. I'm scared, honestly. I don't really want to go through a string of play parties and random dates. I want to be discerning. I want to find someone that will fit into the space I create - whatever that looks like. I need to figure out what I can offer.
How long that will take, I don't know. I have a wedding to plan, after all.
But I do know that I will do it with two amazing men in my life who make me feel wonderful, and whole and happy and not broken. That's pretty great.
Bluebird
Well-known member
OH! I almost forgot to post - I was finally talked into attending an event at the club in the town closest mine. My friend was going, so I RSVPed today that I'd go too, on FetLife, to a corset class. I am looking forward to it, and PunkRock is going to attend as well. My friend tried to guilt me into attending a Mardi Gras party there this weekend, but I am not ready for that level of debauchery right now, with all my emotions aflutter. A corset class is a low level event that won't hurry me into making a possible bad decision.
Plus, I noticed that M was signed up to go to the Mardi Gras party. I am assuming we will eventually run into each other at the club, if I keep attending things. Not looking forward to any drama on his end - he won't get any from me, that's for sure. He'd added to my issues, but he also taught me a lot about how NOT to do poly, so I am thankful for that. I don't know his headspace. It's been over a year. Still, he had so much anxiety, and I don't want to add to that.
I think everyone is responsible to own their own shit though, and I am going to live my life in the way I would like. Right now, that means I am going to go to the corset class, and I am going to learn how to look fabulous in one. Period.
Plus, I noticed that M was signed up to go to the Mardi Gras party. I am assuming we will eventually run into each other at the club, if I keep attending things. Not looking forward to any drama on his end - he won't get any from me, that's for sure. He'd added to my issues, but he also taught me a lot about how NOT to do poly, so I am thankful for that. I don't know his headspace. It's been over a year. Still, he had so much anxiety, and I don't want to add to that.
I think everyone is responsible to own their own shit though, and I am going to live my life in the way I would like. Right now, that means I am going to go to the corset class, and I am going to learn how to look fabulous in one. Period.
Bluebird
Well-known member
This entry is completely stream of consciousness about dating.
I have been doing some reading and research on secondary relationships. I started out thinking that I have a V with two primaries - both DarkKnight and PunkRock are the world to me. I don't want to give them less time if I start dating again, so the person I end up with will of course have to be a secondary.
This is stressful to me. I don't like the thought of forcing someone into that space, if they start to want more. It doesn't feel natural or right. Maybe I should just look at poly guys who are looking for a similar time commitment? But that seems awfully exclusive, right from the get-go. Of course, I could end up with a fundamentally flawed setup right from the get-go if I end up falling for someone that wants that relationship escalator and I am unable to deliver because I have no room in my schedule.
The More Than Two website has a page about having inclusive relationships - spend time with all your loves together! - and I do that now, but not always. I still need alone time with each guy to connect and build our love. I know neither PunkRock nor DarkKnight would like it very much if all of their time with me was spent with the other present. I can totally get sharing some time though. That helps strengthen the overall structure, in my opinion. My guys aren't best friends, but they understand each other, can relate positively and trust that the other has their back. Integrating a third guy - what if one of my partners hates this new person? I will never allow a veto, but I can see how that would cause tension and drama.
God, how do people juggle more than 2 partners and not make the multiples feel like they are getting the short end of the stick?
Yeah, I am having anxiety over something that doesn't even exist yet.
It is important to me to work all this out in my own mind before re-activating my OKC account. I need to feel settled about how this could potentially work. I don't wanna be a dick to new potentials, that's for sure. I think a mono person might not work out so well again. Course, maybe they will - my old FWB partner B would have no trouble fitting in to my existing structure, because he had a full life outside of our relationship. Hmmm. I think rather than going on a crap-ton of dates, I think I will need to vet potentials through messaging for quite a while first.
I have been doing some reading and research on secondary relationships. I started out thinking that I have a V with two primaries - both DarkKnight and PunkRock are the world to me. I don't want to give them less time if I start dating again, so the person I end up with will of course have to be a secondary.
This is stressful to me. I don't like the thought of forcing someone into that space, if they start to want more. It doesn't feel natural or right. Maybe I should just look at poly guys who are looking for a similar time commitment? But that seems awfully exclusive, right from the get-go. Of course, I could end up with a fundamentally flawed setup right from the get-go if I end up falling for someone that wants that relationship escalator and I am unable to deliver because I have no room in my schedule.
The More Than Two website has a page about having inclusive relationships - spend time with all your loves together! - and I do that now, but not always. I still need alone time with each guy to connect and build our love. I know neither PunkRock nor DarkKnight would like it very much if all of their time with me was spent with the other present. I can totally get sharing some time though. That helps strengthen the overall structure, in my opinion. My guys aren't best friends, but they understand each other, can relate positively and trust that the other has their back. Integrating a third guy - what if one of my partners hates this new person? I will never allow a veto, but I can see how that would cause tension and drama.
God, how do people juggle more than 2 partners and not make the multiples feel like they are getting the short end of the stick?
Yeah, I am having anxiety over something that doesn't even exist yet.
It is important to me to work all this out in my own mind before re-activating my OKC account. I need to feel settled about how this could potentially work. I don't wanna be a dick to new potentials, that's for sure. I think a mono person might not work out so well again. Course, maybe they will - my old FWB partner B would have no trouble fitting in to my existing structure, because he had a full life outside of our relationship. Hmmm. I think rather than going on a crap-ton of dates, I think I will need to vet potentials through messaging for quite a while first.
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YouAreHere
Well-known member
Hey Bluebird!
The dating thing is beginning to come up again for me and Chops as well. He loves meeting people, and will go on multiple first dates, and be happy with that, but there's always the possibility that there's going to be someone else he grows close to, and then what are the impacts?
Chops tries to mitigate this by stating up-front that he really doesn't have time for another "full time" relationship. He lives (alternately) with Xena and me, and between time with us, and his job, he doesn't really have all that much time left over. He's had a few first dates end with, "Well, that's not really for me," but he did meet Noa, who is married, with kids, and a heck of a busy work schedule, and they've been together now for over a year.
Yes, they would like to have more time with each other, but they accept that they can't. They squeeze in moments here and there, but it can be very tough on both of them. It's not easy to want more time with someone when that time isn't there, and you don't want to impact your other partners too much.
Now, Xena will work evenings/nights some times, so he occasionally has an opportunity to date then, or to see Noa. Sometimes, he'll grab coffee or dinner on his way home from work (which takes some time away from our evenings, but not usually too much). Usually, though, he tries to figure out some way of seeing her, or squeezing a date in on a low-impact basis, and it can be difficult.
I guess the only advice I have is to be up front about the amount of time you have from the beginning. That you don't want to short anyone, and that if a relationship does develop, that your expectations are in line.
If you're interested, I can ask Chops if he does anything else that I'm unaware of. I'm not always all that observant.
The dating thing is beginning to come up again for me and Chops as well. He loves meeting people, and will go on multiple first dates, and be happy with that, but there's always the possibility that there's going to be someone else he grows close to, and then what are the impacts?
Chops tries to mitigate this by stating up-front that he really doesn't have time for another "full time" relationship. He lives (alternately) with Xena and me, and between time with us, and his job, he doesn't really have all that much time left over. He's had a few first dates end with, "Well, that's not really for me," but he did meet Noa, who is married, with kids, and a heck of a busy work schedule, and they've been together now for over a year.
Yes, they would like to have more time with each other, but they accept that they can't. They squeeze in moments here and there, but it can be very tough on both of them. It's not easy to want more time with someone when that time isn't there, and you don't want to impact your other partners too much.
Now, Xena will work evenings/nights some times, so he occasionally has an opportunity to date then, or to see Noa. Sometimes, he'll grab coffee or dinner on his way home from work (which takes some time away from our evenings, but not usually too much). Usually, though, he tries to figure out some way of seeing her, or squeezing a date in on a low-impact basis, and it can be difficult.
I guess the only advice I have is to be up front about the amount of time you have from the beginning. That you don't want to short anyone, and that if a relationship does develop, that your expectations are in line.
If you're interested, I can ask Chops if he does anything else that I'm unaware of. I'm not always all that observant.
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Bluebird
Well-known member
Thanks for your reply!
I had another long talk with PunkRock, and a short one with DarkKnight.
PunkRock said he wouldn't mind more time to paint and spend on his hobbies, but he's still apprehensive about things. We discussed changing up the way we do our date nights and sleepovers but tabled doing anything different until I meet someone worthwhile. He did bring up again that he himself might want to date in the future, but says it wouldn't be for another year or so. I told him I'd like him to read the More Than Two book as we had discussed previously and he was amiable to that.
I re-activated my OKC profile, and I got about 25 messages tonight. All of them were garbage. "Hi." "Hi beautiful." Or worse, "Hi your beautiful." Ugh. One phone number, and one guy asking if I was available, because he could host tonight.
Fuck this. I guess my plan to stick to just writing for a while will be a good one.
I actually had my texting guy come up as an 84% match, and we both "liked" each other and he chatted with me a bit tonight. I still can't get a read on him at all though. He may just be being nice. Honestly, I think he would be a good friend, regardless. His answers to questions on OKC show him to be poly-friendly, so that is a positive. I should probably give him a name - poof! He'll be TriviaCutie from now on.
Bah. We will see I guess.
DarkKnight and I are going to DC tomorrow. I am excited to show him the Natural History museum - he's never been. Plus, I don't think we've done a long day date away from home like that in a while together. I am looking forward to spending some time with him. <3
I had another long talk with PunkRock, and a short one with DarkKnight.
PunkRock said he wouldn't mind more time to paint and spend on his hobbies, but he's still apprehensive about things. We discussed changing up the way we do our date nights and sleepovers but tabled doing anything different until I meet someone worthwhile. He did bring up again that he himself might want to date in the future, but says it wouldn't be for another year or so. I told him I'd like him to read the More Than Two book as we had discussed previously and he was amiable to that.
I re-activated my OKC profile, and I got about 25 messages tonight. All of them were garbage. "Hi." "Hi beautiful." Or worse, "Hi your beautiful." Ugh. One phone number, and one guy asking if I was available, because he could host tonight.
Fuck this. I guess my plan to stick to just writing for a while will be a good one.
I actually had my texting guy come up as an 84% match, and we both "liked" each other and he chatted with me a bit tonight. I still can't get a read on him at all though. He may just be being nice. Honestly, I think he would be a good friend, regardless. His answers to questions on OKC show him to be poly-friendly, so that is a positive. I should probably give him a name - poof! He'll be TriviaCutie from now on.
Bah. We will see I guess.
DarkKnight and I are going to DC tomorrow. I am excited to show him the Natural History museum - he's never been. Plus, I don't think we've done a long day date away from home like that in a while together. I am looking forward to spending some time with him. <3