So.......OKCupid

Halcyeus

Halcyeus

New member
I've never tried online dating before. Thinking of giving OKCupid a go after my wife suggested it. I imagined she'd have wanted more time exploring a bit herself before I went on another date with someone. Guess not!

I read a bit of the thread in the Fireplace section with OKCupid messages people have received. Very funny. :) Often a bit creepy, too. :rolleyes:

Since many of you have experience with that site, can you offer any advice on how best to go about this? Usually, as in forever, my approach to meeting new people is to stick to my work and social circles, since people can get to know me first. Then, if someone develops an obvious strong liking towards me and it sticks, I suggest going out together one to one and things go from there. Alternatively friends or ex-girlfriends tell me they know someone who would be great for me, which has also worked out really well. I'm sure these ways of doing things aren't going to translate into anything useful for online dating. I'm gonna be like a fish out of water here.
 
Halcyeus said:
I'm gonna be like a fish out of water here.
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OKCupid is full of people who feel the same way. I've met some wonderful people via that website. Sure, there are some nutters on there but the lion's share are regular people, used to "regular" dating but looking online to make true connections. It's pretty apparent in the profiles which is which. The women on this forum have helped several guys with their OKC profiles. Ask us for coaching as you go along. :)
 
That thread about OKCupid made me feel like this will be a huge time sink. I'll give it a try anyway, else my curiousity will bug me about it until I do.

HappilyFallenAngel said:
OKCupid is full of people who feel the same way. I've met some wonderful people via that website. Sure, there are some nutters on there but the lion's share are regular people, used to "regular" dating but looking online to make true connections. It's pretty apparent in the profiles which is which. The women on this forum have helped several guys with their OKC profiles. Ask us for coaching as you go along. :)
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Thanks. :) That's encouraging. Gonna be a bit slow. Was stumped by the first question, "How would your best friend describe you?" I thought, "He's okay. Bit weird. Not good with ladders."

Yeh, its gonna be slow. :D
 
Halcyeus said:
Gonna be a bit slow. Was stumped by the first question, "How would your best friend describe you?" I thought, "He's okay. Bit weird. Not good with ladders."

Yeh, its gonna be slow. :D
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That made me 'lol'!! Have you thought about getting someone to help you complete your profile? Often others have a better perspective of us than we do of ourselves!

I hope your experience with ladders improves soon...hahaha!
 
Someone on this forum recommended okc to me a while back and I have been having a blast meeting people and some of them have stuck. 😍

One thing about your profile... It might be easier to think of it as a work in progress. You can start short and simple and then fill stuff in as you figure out what you want to say. And you may have a better idea of what you want to say after you've read a whole bunch of other profiles.

Also, you can say a lot w your pics beyond just showing off your physical attributes. I know I always notice how a person's home is furnished if there's a pic that seems to be in their house, or how they seem to be interacting w others if they are. I feel like I can usually tell if someone's fairly relaxed or not at all from the pics.

Good luck!
 
I very much agree with thinking of your profile as a work in progress.

FWIW, I found it helped to steal an exercise from an old psych class for the "About me" section.

Write "I am..." and finish it with the first thing that comes to mind. Do this six times. Then write a brief paragraph about each one:
I am: changing. It's been a long year with a lot of growth. The core of who I am remains, but I've added to it, learned more about what that core is, and had to face that some things I thought were core, weren't.

I am: labels. A whole collection of labels like mother, writer, bi, poly, kinky, feminist...these labels describe me, but they do not define me.

I am: myself. This is the first time I've done this exercise and not had "Me" or "Myself" be the first answer. Not sure why that is, but I think it says something important. Kind of like the Bibles "I am that is" I don't feel the need to define myself. I am me, and that's enough. Says something else that this has been demoted to third on the list.

I am: tired. New job has me up later than I like and kid has me up early in the morning. Running absolutely crazy keeping way to many balls in the air. So far the juggling act is working, though.

I am: confident. I have finally learned to believe in myself, to believe in my ability to succeed, and more importantly my ability to deal with life throws at me. My family is still in a tough place, but with hard with and the help of friends and some genuinely good people, we are managing to climb out of it. And I know we'll keep climbing until we are where we want and need to be.

I am: Striving. Still. Life hasn't magically gotten easy, and I still have goals that are not anywhere near in reach. I am and will continue to strive--but honestly, I don't think I'd be happy if I didn't have challenges to reach for.
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Polyamory on OkCupid

But how to communicate polyamory through your profile? At the moment I have set my relationship status to "in an open relationship" and relationship type to "mostly non-monogamous" and also made a search for non-monogamous people. The result is just a single profile in about 40km radius around my place. That's not very encouriging.
 
It's strange, but I don't think the OKcupid filters are actually very good. When I set my browse matches filter to look for non-monogamous, it only finds 18 people in my area. There are A LOT MORE than 18 people openly listed as some variant of non-monogamous, this I know, so I suspect it's only finding those people who are extremely clear about it on the checklists. Many folk either signed up before the monogamy filters were introduced, or simply state it in their 'about me' essay section, not realising that this makes them hard to search for. Sometimes you can have luck by searching keywords, like polyamory or open, but do expect to trawl a bit.

I find the easiest thing is to clearly list yourself (I say I'm seeing someone, and am mostly non-monogamous) and rate all of the poly/open relationship quiz questions as being of extreme importance. When you find a person you like the look of, see how they answer those key questions and take it from there. (It's quick to find that out - just filter quiz questions by 'things which are important to me').
 
As a woman I've had no issues with guys wanting to go out with me (probably because think im easy and they can have sex with a married women without actually having to be in a real relationship ) not the kind of guys I like. Nate hasn't had any success on there, the whole married thing is a deal breaker for all the women on there. I think it's unethical to not fully disclose your relationship status upfront. Don't waste people's time. Nate has had better luck on meetme and fetlife. He's also met someone on Craigslist who put up a "poly woman looking for boyfriend " ad.
 
I joined OKC after reading the Fireplace thread on it.

I was contacted by a few guys. Only one actually continued communicating with me longer than 3-4 emails. I met him face to face and was completely turned off; online he seemed like an intelligent, fun-to-talk-to guy, but in person he was more like one of those folks who talks to hear themselves talk and to prove to others how intelligent they are. Somewhere in the first couple of months I was on OKC, I met S2 and stopped responding to messages from anyone, and then after my previous boyfriend Guy and I broke up, I deleted my OKC profile entirely because Guy is also a member of that site.

I've had far better luck on AdultFriendFinder, which isn't particularly poly-friendly in general, but is where I met Hubby, S2, and Guy. For me, the benefits of AFF are that there's a real-time chat room for my geographic area, where I can connect with others somewhat "publicly" (and where I've met pretty much everyone I consider a real-life friend), and our chat room group holds occasional G-rated get-togethers at bars, clubs, and even occasionally someone's home where people can get to know each other in person without the pressure of an actual date. I don't know if that type of thing exists on OKC, but I didn't find anything like it.

Alt--to my dismay, but she's an adult and I can't tell her what to do--also has a profile on OKC. She's met a couple of guys, but one started getting angry with her for refusing sex, and the other turned out to have a record for domestic violence.

I know a lot of people have good luck on OKC, but as with any online dating site, your mileage may vary and it's important to be very careful.
 
I think a big factor of the poly experience on OKC is whether you're in a poly-friendly area to begin with. I'm in suburban NYC and while there's virtually no visible poly "scene' out here, there is a mother lode in the city. People are not as inclined to be out and proud out here in the burbs, but an NYC search yields many profiles of people who seem like cool cats. I'd ventrue to guess that the more you can include cities in your search radius, the more people you'll find who are culturally supported and thus willing to be totally transparent and poly.
 
Rubidoux thanks for the suggestions about profiles and especially how pics can help. I shaved by head and my beard recently so don't have any suitable pics from the last few years. Guess a badly lit selfie will have to do for now. Maybe I'll use photoshop to remove the GIANT ZIT, THAT DECIDED TO ATTACK MY FOREHEAD, RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT!!! Flipping heck. What am I, 16?

JessicaBurde that is a good idea. I'll try something like you suggested, when I update the profile on Monday. Don't have the time to play with it until then.

TenK, you get eighteen people for your area of Scotland? If I set the non-monogamous filter with a small distance radius I get exactly eighteen women listed as non-monogamous and interested in men. Sixteen of them are above 80% match. Seven of them are above 90% match. Two of them are clearly poly and not just using it as an in vogue term for dating, e.g. "I'm trying out non-monogamy/polyamory, until I find the right guy that is!!!" One of them shares my penchant for spiritual BS. None of them state they are in a committed long-term relationship or married. If I get rid of the non-monogamous filter and use polyamory related keywords I get quite a few more. This is actually much, much better than I imagined it would be.

Hadn't considered Fetlife, Meetme and Adultfriendfinder. I'll see about that a bit later maybe. I'm not in a mad rush to meet people. My wife has only just started seeing others. Funny how many guys she works with are suddenly turning out to be poly. :rolleyes:
 
Halcyeus said:
My wife has only just started seeing others. Funny how many guys she works with are suddenly turning out to be poly. :rolleyes:
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I do wonder how many people are actually poly but don't really realise that it's okay, or that it even has a 'label'. I mean, I spent my life thinking that I was just a bad person for not being able to love one person at a time.

But yes...I hope people don't start using it as an excuse to get their end away!!

Good luck with the dating :)
 
Journeyofawakening said:
I do wonder how many people are actually poly but don't really realise that it's okay, or that it even has a 'label'. I mean, I spent my life thinking that I was just a bad person for not being able to love one person at a time.

But yes...I hope people don't start using it as an excuse to get their end away!!

Good luck with the dating :)
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Yes, I wonder about that too. Many seem genuinely happy and rooted in monogamy. Its what they're looking for and when they get it they're content, so long as the relationship itself is healthy. When they get curious about someone else or someone it fades quickly and isn't given much consideration. That's great for them. Others can be in a healthy relationship with one person but can't stop feeling that they should be open to see others. The freedom to do that is very important and ignoring it doesn't make it go away at all.

Its probably a spectrum. People fall somewhere between the extreme poles of monogamy and polyamory. If monogamy is to the left and polyamory to the right I know I'm strongly towards the maximum right of polyamory. As far as I can see my wife may be somewhere a little to the left of middle.

I'm sure at least one of the men my wife is seeing is saying he's poly to get his end away. That's okay too, because that's what she wants herself for now. Sex, feeling sexy and some fun. My only concern is that she's seeing men she works with, in an industry with few women and little influence from feminism. If any slut shaming occurs it could be a problem since she has some strong social anxiety related to that.

Anyway, thanks for the good wishes :)
 
I agree with your spectrum idea.

I'm also green with envy over the amount of success you're having on OKC. :D May it continue to serve you well.
 
Halcyeus said:
I'm sure at least one of the men my wife is seeing is saying he's poly to get his end away. That's okay too, because that's what she wants herself for now. Sex, feeling sexy and some fun. My only concern is that she's seeing men she works with, in an industry with few women and little influence from feminism. If any slut shaming occurs it could be a problem since she has some strong social anxiety related to that.

Anyway, thanks for the good wishes :)
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Also, regardless of mono or poly, it's almost always a bad idea to date/sleep with people you work with. Slut-shaming aside, the other issues are myriad. As a woman, she'd likely have great luck meeting men outside her workplace, and probably save herself some future possible consequences (IMHO, anyway). There are, as GalaGirl often puts it, "messy" people that it's a good idea to not date: bosses and co-workers (your's or your partner's), children's teachers, partner's siblings, etc.
 
Halcyeus said:
My only concern is that she's seeing men she works with, in an industry with few women and little influence from feminism. If any slut shaming occurs it could be a problem since she has some strong social anxiety related to that.
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It's a rare woman who doesn't have a good bit of internal work to do in this area if she wants to live a joyful, sex filled life. Even women who are mono-minded need a lot of counter-culture, sex-positive reprogramming to live happily in their bodies as a sexual adult. There are so many wonderful resources online for her to start (or continue) building a positive sexual self concept. You likely already know this, but i just wanted to throw it out there. Every woman I've ever met, no matter her circumstances in life, has had to elevate herself up from the nebulous fear of being "too sexual" on her path to finding joyful sexual relationships. The good news here is that there are so many of us on this road that there is lots of support for those of us who don't find it in our immediate surroundings. She might want to look into commentaries from Susie Bright and Dan Savage among others. There are so many wonderful, inspiring resources for women who are claiming their sexual dignity and freedom.


GreenAcres said:
Also, regardless of mono or poly, it's almost always a bad idea to date/sleep with people you work with.
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All that said, she would be wise to heed the words of Green Acres here. As a woman who has worked alongside many an available and attractive man, I can tell you that it's tempting to just reach out and grab that low hanging fruit, but the situation is fraught with potential disaster. There's a reason god created OKCupid. ;)
 
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OP, just like any other website, it's a mixed bag. Hubs found someone through a website (not OKC) and they had a relationship for well over a year. They're still friends. I think it's all in what you make it and you really do have to do a lot of searching yourself. Can't just rely on the OKC filter search!

Inyourendo said:
As a woman I've had no issues with guys wanting to go out with me (probably because think im easy and they can have sex with a married women without actually having to be in a real relationship ) not the kind of guys I like. Nate hasn't had any success on there, the whole married thing is a deal breaker for all the women on there. I think it's unethical to not fully disclose your relationship status upfront. Don't waste people's time. Nate has had better luck on meetme and fetlife. He's also met someone on Craigslist who put up a "poly woman looking for boyfriend " ad.
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I've had the same experience. I also put in my profile how I'm not that type of girl. I mean, yes, I've had ONS, and a FWB, but those were rare and not what I look for or why I'd go to a website like that. I've also put in that I won't exchange numbers and if you're not willing to chat a bit back and forth through the website, you won't get far with me (I had a stalker, so I'm a bit cautious about giving my number to random strangers). Amazing how much my traffic decreased when I made that particular change :rolleyes:
 
kdt26417 said:
I'm also green with envy over the amount of success you're having on OKC. :D May it continue to serve you well.
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Well, I've only contacted one person! I am lucky, though, so hate me. :eek: They're chatting to me a lot and I think we'll get on well.

Actually, I'm worried I might connect too quickly. I try to suppress my tendency to make a strong connection with someone until I get a sense of how potentially messy it might be for them if I do that. The last time I wasn't cautious I met up with someone for what was meant to be some casual drinks. She said I "cracked her head open" straight away. At the time I joked by saying that was okay, mine was permanently cracked. No, no. It wasn't okay.
 
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