I've gotten a second wind!

rubidoux

rubidoux

New member
For a long time I was feeling like I wanted to really dive into this poly journey (pacience is not my strong point), but was stuck in something that looked more like common dating. And then a few days ago I realized that, in fact, there are now three people that I've been dating for a while and who I'm feeling really great about. I also think I might be happier and more satisfied with my romantic/sexual life than I have ever been before. Feels like a good time to start a journal!

A little backstory:

In February of 2014 it suddenly became clear that my monogamous partner of 25 years was having an intense emotional affair and on his way out. Sadly, I had kind of fallen in love with him all over again, totally having all those NRE feelings like in the beginning. I was excited to see him every night after work, scheming to get the kids tired so I could get them to bed early and have time alone with him. I felt like our whole family was in such a nice spot and that he was the guy for me after all (we had a rough 23 years or so in there) and I swear it wasn't more than two weeks before the shit hit the fan that I thought, ahhh, we made it, we're gonna grow old together, someday sitting in our rocking chairs enjoying the weather, talking about the grandchildren. So, as you can imagine, I was pretty shaken and very heartbroken when I realized that the reality was something very different.

It wasn't until the end of the summer that I really started to get it -- that it wasn't a horrible nightmare I'd wake up from, that he wasn't going to come to his senses. I had, thank god, gone into self-preservation mode at the first signs of trouble and had started building myself a new life and community. And in a lot of ways I was living as a single person by the end of the summer.

Over Labor Day weekend, I met Daniel, who had a fairly similar story to mine and we were each other's first post-break up lovers. It was really a FWB kind of arrangement, which was just right, I think. We were pretty bondy over the break up thing, but really not meant for a romance.

At that point I had never given any thought to polyamory. I think I did have the framework inside somewhere, though. When I found out that ex really did have an other woman (had suspected there was something up for many months), I told him I thought it would be crazy to believe that a person could go decades with one partner without having crushes and interests in others. I told him I wanted him to go ahead and enjoy it (meaning the crush/infatuation, not saying he should go ahead and be physical with her, but I might have been open to that) but not in a way that left me feeling scared and hurt. He had been doing things like saying "wait up for me, I really wanna watch an episode of Mad Men with you when I get back," and then getting back at 4:30 in the morning, repeatedly. And that was just fucking unbearable. But it's interesting to me now to think back on how flexible I was feeling with monogamy then, even at that terrible time, and not because I was feeling interested in someone but because it just made sense to me.

It wasn't until that fall though, probably while I was still hanging out with Daniel, that a couple of things happened that led me to start thinking of organizing my life and my relationships a different way.
 
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So, those couple of things were...

That I was having a really odd relationship with a guy who was almost 20 years younger than me. I was crazy over him, though a little weirded out by the age difference. But he was doing this thing where he'd get closer and closer and spend more and more time with me and then it would cross some line (though it never got physical) and then he'd disappear for a couple of weeks. The first couple of times I felt pretty hurt by it, but then I thought, whatever this strange thing is, it's really heartfelt and real and sweet. And maybe it didn't need to follow the usual model, but was fine the way it was. This was what he had to offer me and, as long as i didn't have any expectations that it would progress in a particular way, it was actually really satisfying and wonderful.

The other thing was that I was getting really close to a female friend that I didn't have a romantic or sexual relationship with and realizing that she and I were doing for each other what I had always wanted expected from a romantic partner. And it was pretty liberating! I realized that there was no reason that sex/romance had to be coupled with that family/partner thing.

And once I started seeing that I didn't have to get everything I needed from one relationship or demand that one person be capable of and willing to meet all my needs... polyamory sounded really right to me.

Almost immediately after I had that realization, I discovered the happy benefit that I could be much more open to all sorts of people. If I was looking for one partner, I'd need to find someone who could do all of the things I needed, but if I might have several, no one of them had to have all of the qualities I was looking for. Well, now it seems pretty obvious and basic, but when it first occurred to me it was such an epiphany! lol
 
So, I've been doing a lot of dating since my marriage ended. And I've dated all kinds of people, some that have been really shocking to me. I had a short fling with a 26 year old surgeon; an insanely fun, passionate, loving friendship with a pornographer; a sweet and very sexy envelope pushing relationship with a tantra teacher. I've had several awesome one night stands and a couple that were more mediocre. I've been shocked at how decent and caring almost all of them have been, and then shocked a couple of times by how shitty.

Maybe because it came on the heels of 25 years of being devoted exclusively to one person, it seemed like I just could not get enough. I was feeling both like I desperately wanted to connect with somebody and that I couldn't relax when there were all these men out there that I hadn't slept with! Somehow it was both lonely and feeding my soul at the same time.

In the last few weeks I seem to have settled into something really nice, though, and a couple of weeks ago I cancelled all my dates with men I hadn't met yet (except Frank, I grandfathered him in because I'd really like to meet him sometime!) and stopped obsessively browsing okc and tinder. I had three regulars plus one newish guy that I really liked and I was just feeling satisfied and happy.

Of course, as soon as I stopped with all the extra stuff, my regular guys started canceling on me and now I haven't actually had sex in about as long as I can remember. I think it's been ten days. Gah! But I'm seeing my main squeeze tomorrow and I've got a 40 hour date with my pornographer the next day. I'm sure I will fit my newish guy in when I get back. I haven't seen my tantra teacher for way too long, but he'll be back in a couple of weeks. Life is good and much more relaxed. And I want to just sit back and enjoy these relationships for a while. It might be nice to get into a rhythm.
 
This is awesome. I can really relate to your situation. I, too, ended a 25 year relationship/monogamous marriage less than 2 years ago and have been exploring my sexual side, as well as opening myself up to different types of relationships, friendships, etc. I've had lots of 'firsts' (many I've shared with my partner, Blue), and have had more sex since my divorce than in the last ten years of my marriage, lol. It helps that Blue has a very high sex drive & plenty of experience. Even better, I have lots of love from many different people in my life.

Thank you for sharing. I enjoy your blog :)
 
What an interesting dating pool you have Rubidoux. Sounds fantastic. May it continue and get even richer.
 
Thanks, Halcyeus! I'm always excited to see what's around the corner. 🙈

PinkPig said:
This is awesome. I can really relate to your situation. I, too, ended a 25 year relationship/monogamous marriage less than 2 years ago and have been exploring my sexual side, as well as opening myself up to different types of relationships, friendships, etc. I've had lots of 'firsts' (many I've shared with my partner, Blue), and have had more sex since my divorce than in the last ten years of my marriage, lol. It helps that Blue has a very high sex drive & plenty of experience. Even better, I have lots of love from many different people in my life.

Thank you for sharing. I enjoy your blog :)
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Hey, PinkPig, I don't see a blog for you. If you start one, I'd love to read!

The sex stuff is wild, huh?!!! lol My ex and I pretty much never had a good sex life until the last year (and I gotta say it seemed a lot better before I had other stuff to compare it to!), so I feel like I've been unleashed and I'm just running around like a crazy person. Sometimes I wonder, if I could turn back time and have the loving marriage I thought I had, if the sex alone would be cause me to decide against it. I've been having such a great time!!!

I've also been struck by the fact that I am making much stronger connections with lots of people. When I was married, he was my go to for everything and I just didn't reach out to or rely on others at all. I had no reason to really bond with other people and I didn't. Now I feel so much closer to all my friends and I'm more open to making new friends.

Last night I ran into a guy that I went on a couple of dates with several months ago. I really liked him and enjoyed spending time with him but he was so opinionated and pushy about his opinions that I thought I could not possibly have a relationship with him. It was a little too reminiscent of the dx and I thought if I'm feeling this way on the second date... ugh. But I've seen him out and about a couple of times in the last month and have felt really glad to have him as a friend. I feel strongly that whatever this reorganization is that I'm doing with my relationships, it's about more than just the sexual/romantic ones.
 
So, I really like my main squeeze, A LOT, but I'm worried he's not gonna work out. 😟 I'm feeling compelled to write about him today because I'm going to see him tomorrow and I want to be able to write about him while he's still in play. Will be too sad to have to introduce him as the guy I just ended things with.

So, we met on okc about 2 1/2 months ago. He messaged me first, but then I pretty quickly realized we weren't gonna have a vibrant text convo (which, it turns out, is rough on a relationship!), so within just a couple of exchanges, I said "wanna have a drink tonight?" We met at a Mexican place for margaritas and had a great time (we are perfectly capable of conversing in person, phew!). And then when we left, we made out in the parking lot for like ten minutes. It was relatively G-rated, but I swear it still makes me tingly to think about it. I'm very attracted to him, not sure I've ever quite felt like this before, and we have crazy chemistry. So a couple nights later, we suffer through a perfectly nice dinner and then run to his place and tear off our clothes. Everything about being with him is over the top great. He is the most dreamy kisser ever and every time I move even the littlest bit all night he kisses me. One night we fell asleep holding hands with our fingers laced together and woke up that way. It's like gooey sweet in such a nice way.

But I swear there is *something* wrong with him. At first I wondered if it could be that he's using steroids. He's super muscley in a way that doesn't seem like it would occur in nature, iykwim. And I think he's got a pretty low sex drive. (I'm not real sure about that though because I really don't know if he's having sex with anyone else. I think he's not. We haven't talked about that stuff since our first date when I told him that I had two other men I was seeing and he volunteered nothing.) He's also kind of apathetic. When we're together he's excited about me, smiling, affectionate, into me. But when we're not together he seems almost indifferent. He NEVER texts me. And then I feel like I'm pushing myself on him when I text him. I have a feeling that if it was up to him he'd see me every two weeks or so, which isn't nearly enough for me. And he's also apathetic about other stuff in his life, seems to have an "eh, whatever" attitude towards everything.

Then, last weekend I stayed over later in the morning than I usually do and realized that he plays a lot of video games. lol I have no problem with that in terms of how I feel about him or our relationship. As far as I'm concerned this is about sex and cuddling and enjoying each other's company. So, I'm not worried about his life goals or whether or how he gauges his own success. I think he's awesome just lying there playing xbox. But I do wonder if it's a sign or symptom of something, maybe steroid use, maybe depression, maybe porn addiction.

Then last week he was "let go" from his job. I'm working under the assumption that he was basically laid off because it's really none of my business unless he wants to talk about it. I just want to be supportive. But I can't help but wonder if they were seeing something at work that resonates with the stuff that's been bothering me.

So, jic someone here has some experience or an opinion about what's going on... I know he watches porn every morning. I don't really know if that's out of the norm for a single guy? He seems to have no trouble going two plus weeks without sex and doesn't jump at the chance to have sex even after two weeks, and he will have sex for literally hours before he comes. He is not in any way aggressive or macho like you might expect with steroids, but I don't know if that's always an issue with steroids?

At any rate, I'm just starting to try to work this out with him. What I need is to feel like I'm wanted and like I'm not bugging him. I would like to see him more often, but if I felt more comfortable not seeing him, I think I could handle whatever schedule he's comfortable with. I think it's possible that we can come up with some kind of solution but it may require heroic measures on my part. My sense is that he really doesn't like to talk about this kind of stuff.
 
Well, we've gotten a reprieve. Main Squeeze was called in for a job today, which is good news. I know he's really worried about his job situation. I was looking forward to seeing him today, but I also feel a little bit relieved. We had a nice text convo this morning, which is surprising and makes me feel a little better about things. But tonight I'm with my kids, tomorrow I leave to go spend a couple of days with my pornographer, then when I come back, the ex has some deal he has to do for work every night next week, so I will be with kids solid thru friday. My by then I will have chilled out and he will be DTF. lol Gah!

So now my attentions turn to my pornographer!!! Yay! I'm leaving tomorrow at around 6 pm and plan on being naked with him until maybe 7 am on saturday morning. Gotta be back in time for ex to get to work at 9 am saturday. He says that'll give us a good amount of time for a quickie. :p He is so much fun. I can't wait! :D Will write more about him later.
 
My guess is the pivotal issue with the main squeeze is that he isn't comfortable talking about his feelings, i.e. he is awkward about being open due to how vulnerable that makes him and probably has some strong fears about intimacy and getting hurt related to that. What's more, apathy is very often an outward defence against emotional ups and downs you don't want others to know about. Basically, very typical guy stuff going on here. You're left having to wonder what is really up with him, which is no good at all. When he's not texting you or seems to have a low sex drive, I'm pretty sure that he's retreating inward to a safe place.

Porn addiction isn't really an addiction, in my opinion. I know some say anything can become an addiction but there is a big difference between the addiction itself generating the drive and compulsion to do an activity compared to activities which are so easily attainable and pleasurable that they can become bad habits. Porn is a lot safer than the "dangers" of actual sex. With porn you don't have to worry about being good at sex, being rejected, being judged, needing reassurance and connection, hurting someone's feelings, etc. When guys struggle with actual sex (usually for them meaning having trouble getting hard or reaching orgasm) its tempting for them or others to blame porn use, when really its almost always about underlying emotions they're struggling with that they may or may not be aware of and may or may not be comfortable with communicating to their partners about. In a way its a similar story with video games. Video games are relaxing and fun. They're a great way to switch off all the worries and concerns and go on a little pleasure cruise holiday from the stresses of life. When guys play way too many video games and/or spend too much time masturbating to porn, they're almost always finding things tough and look to those things to get some relief. That's the blessing and curse of them.

None of this will help make things better with your main squeeze. Nevertheless I think its helpful to know that the above is one reason many guys can get so stuck on porn and games.
 
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Nothing to add - just wanted to say that I'm really appreciating this blog and the commentary you just made, Halcyeus.
 
Thanks, Karen!

And Halcyeus, I'm not sure if it'll help, either, but certainly more understanding on my part is better than less. 😊 As for the "porn addiction" thing, I'm not so sure I buy it either (though that could be partly bc I just don't enjoy porn all that much), but the prevailing wisdom 💩 is that it can cause men to have issues with drive and having orgasms with a partner. I have no experience with that at all, though. My ex claimed to not watch porn ever (and oddly enough I believe him) and his drive was pretty low all along (even before there was an Internet). I am probably just grasping at straws.

I can't shake the feeling that there's something *wrong* with him, like something about the way he is that was probably there long before we met. He told me a while back that he was celebate for something like eight years up until 2012, but I'm not sure he had a real reason for it. Somehow the subject got changed while we were talking about it and then later I told him I wanted to know more but we haven't gotten back to it. He is, I think, a pretty serious Christian (which freaks me out and I'm very suspicious of it possibly being at the root of this, but he's very private about it.

I think you might be right about him being afraid to be open and make himself vulnerable. I am very open and really push myself to be as truthful and transparent as possible and if something feels scary for me to share I have a near compulsive need to share it. And I've found that I've had some really great outcomes from being this way. Main Squeeze has totally picked up on it and told me he finds it attractive and it makes him jealous because he just can't say a lot of things. I know when he says that that he's referring to some concrete thing that he wants to say but can't, and probably also to something more general.
 
He is starting to sound strange, from your description. :)

And yes, I may have been wrong about the porn addiction thing! What I think of as typical porn use (i.e. my own habits) is quite different to what I've just been reading about guys, especially younger guys, getting problems after watching a whole lot of endlessly novel porn over long periods of time while not being sexually active in relationships.
 
Well, I had a great couple of days w my pornographer. 😍

There was a bit of strangeness to it though, as can be expected with all my dates. I think, consciously or unconsciously, he was testing me in several different ways. I had been saying that I wanted to see more of his work (had only seen some fairly tame stuff he sent me links to) so he showed me a bunch and it included quite a few pics of former and current lovers that he pointed out and told stories about. He also talked a fair amount about several people he's been with lately or is having ongoing involvement with. Showed me clips of some fairly kinky stuff that was clearly less work and more play for him. It all felt like he was showing me what I was getting myself into and wondering if I was going to be able to handle it. I think I passed. I'm a pretty relaxed, go with the flow kind of person and I don't normally get ruffled very easily. It's interesting, though, because I do think he's pretty far out in terms of his kinks and I'm not. I'm pretty vanilla, actually. But I didn't feel shocked or appalled by anything he showed me or talked about.

He talked about current lovers a fair amount which he hasn't really done before. I kinda think we had hit a point in the relationship where he felt like he couldn't go forward without putting it all out there. So, I was a little surprised by the magnitude of his activities. I knew that he had many ongoing partners but he sees a lot of them very infrequently. He was telling me about one that he considers to be still in play that he's seen five times over the last ten years or so (who just happens to have a tattoo dedicated to him across her pubic bone, wtf?), and it seems like there's always someone who's either coming to town specifically to fuck him or stopping by on their way through. The stuff that felt kinda new to me, which in all fairness wasn't I just hadn't given it a lot of thought, was that it seems like he might be more involved with people close by than I had understood.

I have to admit this stuff is a little overwhelming if I think about it too much. OTOH, I'm pretty good at reminding myself that it's not about what he's doing when we're not together. When I think about how he is with me, it's hard to imagine why it would even be relevant. I think maybe for monogamous types, it's relevant bc one's lover should be thinking about them and actively loving them even when they're off doing other things. But I actually think he's pretty good at that, too. He texts me a lot. ☺️ I think I'm ok with it all. 😎

Probably the thing I felt least at ease about was stuff I brought up. He lives with his partner of 18 years who I really like. I had assumed that they were both living a very kinky free loving kinda lifestyle when they got together but she wasn't. In the beginning, he agreed to be mono with her for a year but couldn't handle it. It sounds like the opening up was very painful for both of them. I think because of my recent experience of having the love of my life (up to that point) leave me for another woman, it's hard for me to think about it without my own layers of shit draped over it. So I don't know what it was like but I worry for her, hopefully just because of my own fucked up history. And then I was afraid to ask about anything more current about their relationship, which I would like to know about. But I don't want to worm my way into her private stuff. He seems very good with boundaries and I'm sure he'd protect what needs to be protected, but I still feel queezy about asking. My fear is that he's having the time of his life and she's wishing he was more with her and less with everyone else. But I don't have a lot of evidence of that.

So I haven't gotten to the sweet fun stuff yet. lol Next post! 😊
 
Well, hmmm, I've realized that I feel a little queezy about putting the sweet stuff out there on a public forum. So, I think I'm not gonna go into any detail at all, but I will say that there was a fair amount of talking about what we are to each other and I was feeling close and all warm and fuzzy. I'm really happy to have him in my life. ❤️

After rereading what I wrote in the post above, it strikes me that he's such an intense person. (And interestingly we talked a fair amount about how I need a certain amount of intensity in my life and how I'm willing to go for some negative intensity if that's all I can get -- but he is all positive for me so far and I don't think he'd play along with anything negative.) He's so intense that I almost feel relief about him being with all those other people. When I left him Saturday morning he was on his way to pick up another lover at the airport. He texted me tonight, probably 36 hours later, and I asked if he was home from his date and he said no, he's mid-date! I feel like I'm just barely recovered from the time I spent with him. This is a guy who could totally not get enough from one partner. And although I adore him and love every minute I spend with him, I think our 24 to 48 hours every two weeks is just about the right frequency for me to be with him. You can't spend every day at Disneyland, iykwim. ��

And news re the Main Squeeze!!!! He texted me first today! Feels like such a breakthrough! �� I'm gonna see him during the day tomorrow bc I've got my kids every night this week. I'm a little bummed bc he's so nice to curl up and fall asleep with. But I can't wait to see him.
 
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I am completely drowning in NRE for both Pornographer and Main Squeeze. I don't think I've had this experience before of just being completely intensely crazy about two people at the same time this way. When I left P's place on Saturday, I felt on top of the world and wondered if I could still feel that way about MS. Well, I do!

Main Squeeze is really different than anyone I've been with before. I normally go for overly-cerebral types. Ex was a Harvard undergrad (and I a high school drop out waiting tables!) when I met him and now a law professor. And most of the men I've been involved with have been serious academics. P is not, but I think he might be the most articulate person I've ever known and his writing is beautiful, he would put ex to shame and, interestingly, often writes about the stuff that ex publishes law review articles about. Hmmmm. MS, otoh, is not at all cerebral or academic. I know that sounds terrible, but I don't think it is. He's plenty bright. He's just not that interested in that stuff. And I find it so fucking refreshing!!!

I've always had this weird conflict between my chosen lifestyle and my true nature. I was being more true to myself when I refused to read a book until I was 17 years old (and then only bc this weird attraction to boys with armfuls of books cropped up) than when I threw myself into all things academic (mostly out of a pathological need to prove that everyone was wrong about me, maybe including me). But I was so entrenched in that Ivy league world the whole time I was with ex. I ended up going to a top five law school and getting what was probably the most prestigious job in my field. Somehow I don't think I was ever pretentious -- it was more like I tried to be myself in a world where there weren't really any other people like me. And that was really hard and unworkable in the end. I tried to be in their world without becoming one of them.

So there was this weird thing that I noticed over the last 20 or so years, which was that I always felt really comfortable with tow truck drivers (can't tell you how many times my old boxy Volvo wagon needed to be towed). Like I'd get into the tow truck and feel relaxed and at home -- but I think that was the only time I got to hang out with people outside my bubble. Before he lost his job last week MS was a truck driver, not a tow truck, but close enough. And he liked it because it was very physical -- he did all the loading and unloading. Umm, I kinda think that's hot. 😳 And I kinda have that feeling with him like he's my peeps, I can sink in and get comfortable.

It's kinda funny because I have a similar thing with my pornographer, who, like me, dropped out of high school and left home at 15. His teenage years were very much like mine, wilder but of the same flavor. I feel a little bit like he's been on the trajectory I might have been on (though wilder, I'm sure!) if I hadn't met ex. And I feel very comfortable with him. I feel a little jealous, too. I feel like I've been trying to do what I was supposed to do all these years and it hasn't panned out at all. He seems to do exactly what he wants to do all the time (an exaggeration I'm sure, but that's what it looks like) and has built himself a really great life.

••••••••

BTW, I keep meaning to say... I call him my pornographer mostly for shock value, of course. 😛 But he is technically a pornographer and calls himself one. His stuff is nothing like the mainstream porn that jumps out at you online, though. It's plenty raunchy, but somehow sweetly good-natured. ❤️ I wouldn't want anybody to get the wrong idea. 😉
 
Oh my! When it rains it pours!

So a couple weeks ago I decided to try to stop adding new partners for a while. And it isn't working the way I was hoping. I like to be busy and out with people a lot. I have some great friends who I love and see probably twice a week. They all have kids and we hang out on my kid days -- always on Thursdays and usually on Saturdays. But I usually have at least four kid free nights. (I currently have them prob 90% of the time, but I'm still living w ex, and he doesn't go out that much, so I am usually free to go at or near their bedtime.)

This week has ended up pretty busy, but the previous two weeks were lonely and boring and I suspect that next week and maybe the next two will be, too. I think I'm gonna try to give it a little more time. I may even tell Main Squeeze that I need to see him more or get another man. Gosh, how do I say that nicely? I don't mean it in a manipulative or passive aggressive way. My first choice would be to get to see him once or twice a week rather than once every two weeks. But if he wants to stick with the once every two weeks, I need something to do in between.

So I ended up straying from my plan. Saw a new guy last night. 🙈 I'm pretty sure it was a one night thing. Don't wanna call it a ONS bc I think it was kind of nicer than that. This guy has been messaging me on okc for ages, but I was holding him at arms length bc he's 24 (I'm 45, lol). We had made plans for last night before I had plans to see MS yesterday. So when I walked away from MS feeling all blissful and satisfied and crazy over him I kinda thought I should cancel w Kevin (he doesn't get a nickname bc I don't think he'll reappear, and he's got such a common name), I just wanted to enjoy where I was at and not introduce anything new. But then it seemed late in the day and he hadn't texted and I thought maybe the situation had taken care of itself. So a little after 9, I was all dressed, leaving the house to go salsa dancing, he texted and I decided I wanted to meet him after all.

Soooo, this was totally a sex thing all along. Actually, little to no sexting, which I was happy for. I'm really bored with that. But he was pretty clear on that, which was fine with me. Very nice guy, though. I met him outside his place and we walked and talked for like an hour talking, which was really fun. For the most part we had a lot of common ground, surprisingly given the age difference. I must be pretty hip! lol Then we went up to his apartment and it was a little awkward. I haven't had a lot of one nighters, but that first kiss with someone you really don't know when it is clearly a prelude to fucking. So awkward! Usually, anyway. With my pornographer, it happened about 5 minutes after I met him and was not even a little awkward. Anyway, although it started out a little awkward, turned out to be good fun! lol
 
Great blog Rubidoux! It is great to see where you have gone in exploring relationships with other people after your divorce.
 
Really enjoying your adventures, rubidoux. I'm 54 and can relate to a lot of what you're writing. Admire your open spirit!
 
Holy cow, you guys. I think I've developed a full on age fetish. Or maybe I'm just a dirty old woman. Ack!

Last night I went out with guy who I had been messaging pretty furiously on okc for a day and a half. There have been a couple of people that I e really connected with through texting since the breakup, but the really intense ones were far away. I was kind of getting my feet wet by talking to guys far away who I knew I'd never meet. I had this one six day long thing with a guy named Alessandro where we were texting so much that we were hardly sleeping and I swear I kinda fell in love with him (and then he disappeared suddenly, live and learn, lol) and it really felt like a stepping stone to something more real. But this guy, Jordan, and I had the same kind of intense thing going on but he's in town and I'm kinda happy that I could act on it just to see how that plays out.

Well, it played out pretty intense and fun! lol I had to go dancing last night bc if I don't dance a couple of times a week I really feel kinda lost. I decided long ago that I don't skip dancing for a man -- since revised to I never skip my Sunday night dancing for a man. But still I try to make sure I don't skimp on my salsa. So, I met Jordan in his neighborhood for a drink at 12:30. We ended up going to this place that serves margaritas that are like a quart and fairly strong, too. �� We each got one and made it about half way through before they started trying to kick people out. And we just gulped the rest right down. lol I'd say I was perfectly intoxicated. Any more and it might have tipped to the dark side, but I felt great, happy, relaxed.

We walked back to his place without even having to consider not doing it because there was no way I could drive. And then we stayed up till about 5:30 talking and drinking a little more. It was so fun! And it was just as intense and kinda gut wrenching as the texting had been. There were no awkward moments or pauses. We were just in a groove. I feel like those moments are hard to come by and I felt and feel pretty grateful to have had it. It was the kind of thing that happened a lot more before I got together with my ex, like when I was a kid. Maybe grown ups are too wary to go there???

So at maybe 5:30 all hell broke loose and we had sex for hours. It was just WOW. Woke up, had sex again and I think I mighta broke him or used him up. �� We had had such an easy flow between us before that but then he turned quiet and kinda dull. I think there's been times in my life that I have felt like I just had my brains fucked out and I was no longer functional, and he looked kinda like that. But I kinda wonder if it was his way of cutting me off. �� I hope not. I wish I had just asked him -- if I run into to this again I will definitely get to the bottom of it. I wanna know! If it really was a distancing tactic, why? After having such a great time, and he clearly did, why would he decide this shouldn't happen again? It makes no sense to me and I'd kinda like to understand what that's about. I'm pretty sure I was not giving off an "I want to own you now" vibe. At least I wasnt feeling that. It crossed my mind that he's someone I could really enjoy seeing every two weeks. Main Squeeze I miss like hell and crave when I don't see him for that long. But I wasnt gonna feel that about this guy. To me, this felt more like a really awesome FWB kinda thing. Oh well. I am not gonna feel bad about it if that was it. It was pretty awesome just like it was and, uhhh, he's a little too young for me.
 
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