Anyone else had a similar experience?

[Heteroflexing]

My wife and I waded into polyamory from an open marriage 2 years ago. She has a man (among others), my metamour, that she has seen for 1.5 of those 2. It's an LDR but they see each other monthly for 2-3 day mini-vacations. I originally had some jealousy issues and have since come to like the guy. That relationship is pretty kosher.

In that stint, however, I have struggled to find someone that I fit well with. My longest relationship with a woman I'll call L was mostly an LDR and we only ended up meeting once. However I botched the situation back home by being an awful communicator, and we ended up dropping the B+ part of our FWB+relationship. We're still friends but she is crazy busy finishing up med school for me to bug her for advice.

That was the closest relationship to ideal since we connected on an emotional, physical, and intellectual level. Everyone else I have dated (including the attempted triad where those needs were met collectively) has not worked out. The underlying factor between every one else that I have dated is that they were local. It's almost as if the demand to see me too often, and take me away from my wife the primary was too off-putting.

So, my questions to you all are:
1. Is this a common experience that for a poly relationship to work, there should be some distance between partners that makes for exciting short trips and more communication while you are apart?

2. If so, how did you go about meeting your long distance partners? I happened to meet my FWB+ on a fluke through a fitness website. Any advice about meeting LDR partners would be wonderful since I think that might be ideal.

3. This is a bit of a tangent that could be its own thread but: Does one member finding partners easier cause anyone else issues in a poly relationship? This was the major source of jealousy and friction early in my wife and I's discovery process, which I am somewhat ashamed to admit. This is far less of an issue compared to what it was before but it occasionally gets my goat. How do you deal with this disparity?

Thank you ever so much for reading my blatherings!

 

[Dagferi]

No distance is not needed to make poly work. I know tons of poly people who live within short distances of all their partners and it works out wonderfully. I could not do a long distance relationship.

Then again I do not practice hierarchical poly. I know I wouldn't put up with my needs being over ridden by someone else. So why would I subject someone else to such treatment. The only way hierarchical poly works is if your partner sees you as secondary too.

I split my time as close to 50/50 as I can with my partners.

I have had no problems meeting partners over the years. Butch was polycurious but has decided that he is monogamously wired because "bitches be crazy". He has BDSM play partners but they are not sexual. He has never gotten jealous over my being able to date easily. He got jealous at how well Murf and I clicked from day one.

 

[opalescent]

...That was the closest relationship to ideal since we connected on an emotional, physical, and intellectual level. Everyone else I have dated (including the attempted triad where those needs were met collectively) has not worked out. The underlying factor between every one else that I have dated is that they were local. It's almost as if the demand to see me too often, and take me away from my wife the primary was too off-putting.

So, my questions to you all are:
1. Is this a common experience that for a poly relationship to work, there should be some distance between partners that makes for exciting short trips and more communication while you are apart?

2. If so, how did you go about meeting your long distance partners? I happened to meet my FWB+ on a fluke through a fitness website. Any advice about meeting LDR partners would be wonderful since I think that might be ideal.

3. This is a bit of a tangent that could be its own thread but: Does one member finding partners easier cause anyone else issues in a poly relationship? This was the major source of jealousy and friction early in my wife and I's discovery process, which I am somewhat ashamed to admit. This is far less of an issue compared to what it was before but it occasionally gets my goat. How do you deal with this disparity?

Long distance works well for some poly folks and not so much for others. I won't be in a long distance relationship period. Does not work for me. I don't get my needs met and I find it too difficult to even attempt again. (Tried it once.) I have no idea how people meet long distance partners. Gamer types seem to connect via gaming - other people meet through attending conferences in an area of interest and meeting people with shared interests there. OKCupid can be a way to find people. (For some reason, I am *very* compatible with Aussies and Kiwis which has bummed me out more than once.)

Long distance could work for you. However, google 'couple privilege' and read the first few results. I noticed that you thought long distance might work because local dates demanded too much of your time. That seemed to me to be an indicator that long distance might work for you because you and your wife might have expectations and behaviors towards a local date that work to shut down the possibility of a meaningful relationship. I'm operating from little information obviously. First impressions could be wildly wrong. But consider the possibility that your behaviour as a couple limits your local options. Also consider that such a pattern may also impact even a long distance relationship.

Do a tag search for dating, meeting people, and similar. You will find so many threads where men in poly relationships with a woman find themselves in a situation where she can find partners more easily and they are really struggling. There are lots of reasons for this, all detailed in the threads. It is painful and seems to be a fairly common pattern. Good on you for recognizing it and working through it. That's not so easy.

 

[Heteroflexing]

Thank you Dagferi for the insight. However, it raises many questions.

If there is not a heirarchy, what happens if Butch and Murf disagree about something? What if their needs conflict with each other's?

Was the jealousy a major hurdle to overcome?

Thanks for the help!

 

[Heteroflexing]

This is the second time I get to thank you today opal!

Thanks for answering all three questions.

I have used OKC but perhaps I should broaden my search. I never thought to look for Aussies!

You are right that we definitely need to work on couple privilege. I had definitely thought about some aspects, but not others. Would you say that the longer you enjoy polyamory, the less couple privilege exists or does it require a pointed effort to wear away at the constraints of social norms?

Thank you for the tag search ideas as well. It's nice to know the problem isn't unique. It's less nice to know how difficult it is to overcome.

I have much to think about... Thank you for providing the thought fodder.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I have one new relationship and it is long distance. We are long distance because he lives in another country. They are both my primary partners and my desire is to share time about 50/50 between them. That may be "too much" for some. I don't consider us being 2900 miles away is a perk (apart from that I get to travel and of course long distance sex is amazing), after two years of this we are looking into how to close the distance. We met on holiday, not only was he not poly but also had never been in love much before... But we work. I used to think I wanted hierarcical poly but I met my boyfriend I knew it couldn't be like that. Right now we do all holiday live together.

Our biggest challenge is that boyfriend work when we live with him, and in spring we will work when he visits. I hope we can get him another job, prefferably by moving to our city. There isn't really conflicts as such but while I have lots of experience living with both of them they have limited experience living with each other. Also openness about the relationship is a challenge.

My husband's not really jealous that I found another partner and he didn't, I mean he dated someone for a while but it didn't work out, I think he is a bit sad about it though and both of us think maybe he shouldn't date because he tends to attract unstable girls.

 

[Bluebird]

I can't do long distance. I suffer greatly as my primary love language is physical touch. If I can't be intimate with my partners, I'm a wreck emotionally.

I also can't do hierarchical poly. The thought of it makes me queasy. My husbands are both equal in our household. We've not yet had a major disagreement on goals or events between them, so there's not been any issues with planning.

 

[Heteroflexing]

Two years with someone in another country sounds pretty fantastic. I definitely agree that the travel and the long sex is some of the best stuff of life. You've given me something to aspire to. How did your husband feel when you stopped being hierarchical? How did you iron this out? In fact, how do you help support your husband when he gets the "I'm not with anyone/why do I always attract the unstable ones" blues.

Do your two men both get along well?

Does any of your family know about the boyfriend?

Sorry for asking 1 million questions. You are helping me to see the problems with hierarchy and how that may be a source of some of the tension on this end.

 

[Heteroflexing]

Bluebird,

Thanks for the information. You've given me a word for what my wife is (she is quite similar to you except her two men are both poly too and I am still her primary)

Did you ever do hiearchical? How do the minor disagreements get handled in the household. Do you broker or do they discuss it with one another?

How do holidays work with families?

 

[Dagferi]

Thank you Dagferi for the insight. However, it raises many questions.

If there is not a heirarchy, what happens if Butch and Murf disagree about something? What if their needs conflict with each other's?

Was the jealousy a major hurdle to overcome?

Thanks for the help!

They don't disagree about anything because in reality they have nothing to do with each other. The relationships are separate ave equal. I have a calendar at each house saying where I will staying.

I make the choice of who needs me more. I try to keep to a schedule. But if one of my guys is having an emergency or true crisis then they get priority. I do not pander to melodrama or etc.

As for Butch's jealousy... That was his own issue and has worked through it on his own. I did not coddle him or etc. He learned to deal with it. I couldn't do the work for him.

 

[Heteroflexing]

Okay. This begs so many questions. Feel free to tell me that these questions are too personal.

How do you logistically stay in different houses and still go to work? How do holidays work?

How did Butch work out his jealousy issues? This is probably the most pressing question for me personally as I still find myself in his position occasionally. Was there any type of compromise involved? Has either butch or murf had play partners that made you jealous?

 

[Bluebird]

Bluebird,

Thanks for the information. You've given me a word for what my wife is (she is quite similar to you except her two men are both poly too and I am still her primary)

Did you ever do hiearchical? How do the minor disagreements get handled in the household. Do you broker or do they discuss it with one another?

How do holidays work with families?

Well, I have not had a relationship go past 4 months (other than my husbands) so there was a hierarchy in that they did not live with me and they were new relationships. I was always trying to build toward that though. I've done FWB and swinging in the past (before I married PunkRock) and those were just hookups and had a clear delineation. However, none of those partners were desiring anything more. If they had, I would have had to think about it.

Minor disagreements - I can't really think of any, honestly. Sometimes they get annoyed with each other - like one will be walking in the hall and the other wanted to sleep in. Then they just grumble a bit and get over themselves. I will never be a broker - when they complain, I tell them if it's a bother, then they need to discuss it. They're both introverts, patient and non-confrontational sort of people. Neither could be described as hot-headed. So, I can't think of any fighting. I work really hard as a hinge to keep things equal when it comes to time, events and sex.

For instance, before the summer started, I asked them both separately to list what they wanted to do on vacation. Then I took a look and scheduled and budgeted to make sure they got what they wanted. DarkKnight wanted to go to one play and camping. PunkRock wanted to go to the beach and to a concert. Both mentioned the same museum, a different play and the National Aquarium. So those three events we will be doing together, since we can. The bonus for me is that I get to do ALL the things. After seeing the dates scheduled, DarkKnight was like, "oh, I wouldn't have minded a concert," but well, he hadn't asked for one, so he got the play he had asked for, instead. And PunkRock was like "Camping would be fun" but he got the beach trip instead. (Which, since then, we've now changed it to a trip to Pennsylvania due to mutually agreeable reasons, but you get the idea.) they got separate but equal things that they asked for, as well as shared time, which they were ok with. If they hadn't been ok with sharing that time, then I would have given them the budget and told them to work it out. They get along though, so they are just happy to be out and about. No worries.

Holidays are easy. We have room, so I offer to host a lot. We usually host Easter. I went to PunkRock's family Thanksgiving on the date last year, as my oldest daughter was traveling to see us the following week, so we had one at our house then. Christmas, we open new pajamas together as a family on the Eve, and open presents on Christmas morning. For the dinner that night, I traveled to PunkRock's family thing. We usually have DarkKnight's family over for finger foods early on Christmas Eve, but they boycotted us last year because they didn't approve of PunkRock. They finally gave in and have been to our house for various things since though. PunkRock's family finally told his stepmom, and now they are all coming to our house in August. We will see how it goes!

I have a picture somewhere in one of my albums here on this site of us all in our Christmas pajamas.

 

[Heteroflexing]

That's absolutely fascinating! You never broker... I speak with my metamour very infrequently. My wife does almost all of the communication between us. However, they are both secondary to one another. That may be a keen difference. He usually is pretty deferential to me while making arrangements, but if we lived in the same house that would probably alter the dynamic significantly. In the transition period before PunkRock moved in, was there more turmoil due to the availability of anonymity and the ability to complain to you?

Holidays sound so much more exciting at your house than mine. I guess that hosting is the best for both worlds.

You bring up your family. How did you come out to your family and your daughter about your poly inclinations? Good luck with meeting the new family members!

Thanks for answering all of these very personal questionsA

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I can't do long distance. I suffer greatly as my primary love language is physical touch. If I can't be intimate with my partners, I'm a wreck emotionally.

I used to think I couldn't. My primary love language is physical touch, too. But we find ways. We both have Skype on our phones and computers and we experiment with the tool to make it suit us.

Also as a part time student see him rather frequent despite the distance, and most of my holiday time go to seeing him. I am the only person I know who hop countries like this.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

Two years with someone in another country sounds pretty fantastic. I definitely agree that the travel and the long sex is some of the best stuff of life. You've given me something to aspire to. How did your husband feel when you stopped being hierarchical? How did you iron this out? In fact, how do you help support your husband when he gets the "I'm not with anyone/why do I always attract the unstable ones" blues.

Do your two men both get along well?

Does any of your family know about the boyfriend?

Sorry for asking 1 million questions. You are helping me to see the problems with hierarchy and how that may be a source of some of the tension on this end.

My husband said he was a bit sad and scared at first. But he also think my boyfriend is a wonderful man. He says I couldn't have found at better man to be his metamour. They have known each other just a couple of weeks less than I have known my boyfriend.

My husband is still in contact with his sort of ex who is also a friend. She is really nice and not crazy, just she is not sure how to do things. She even apologized for making at mess. It is not always easy to be there for my husband through it. I think the best I can do is just to be a good girlfriend to him, and lend him an ear if he needs to talk.

Many of our friends know about us /poly and some of his brothers know. We have yet to tell our parents and my siblings. I have met his mum but she is not aware I am also married . We want to have kids one day so the openness issue is something we need to work on.

 

[Bluebird]

In the transition period before PunkRock moved in, was there more turmoil due to the availability of anonymity and the ability to complain to you?

In the period before he moved in, there was even less to complain about. While I was dating him, we saw each other a couple times a week, and DarkKnight was well used to me being out almost every evening with different people (guys and friends). When we became serious, I started splitting my time equally between the two households - half the week at PunkRock's, half at my own house with DarkKnight. That didn't last very long as it was difficult for me to manage my life away so much. So, PunkRock moved in with us. This never would have happened if the guys weren't so compatible, personality-wise. They're both so easy going!

I also made sure that they had their own space in the house - I took ownership of the master bedroom suite, and they each have their own private, same size bedroom. They also each have their own additional space - DarkKnight has his office (he works from home) and PunkRock has a large room in the basement he uses as his painting studio. So they both have plenty of space to do their own thing.

Coming out to my kids - I told my oldest (25) while in the car, and he was just, you've always been weird mom. My oldest daughter (24) lives in a different state, so I told her over the phone. She was excited, happy and very interested to gossip about my dates and relationships. My youngest (17) was more difficult, and we discussed disclosure with her therapist first. He urged us to tell her as her siblings knew, and she had been growing anxious at my frequent absences. DarkKnight and I set her down on the couch and told her about the situation. She cried a little bit, and then the next day had a ton of questions. It quickly became the norm for her, and now it is no big deal. She has flipped out on people who call it weird, or who try to feel bad for her for not having a traditional family. Parents are embarrassing, she just has 3 people now that bug her to clean her room.

I am not actually meeting any new family members - PunkRock's family has known me the entire time and the fact that I was already married. His stepmom did not know I was poly, and he did not want to tell her. I respected that, but refused to lie, if she had ever asked. Since we always visited her, there was no time that DarkKnight was brought up. PunkRock and I were married in May, and at the 4th of July BBQ at her house, we shared our wedding album. At that point, she asked me point blank how it worked with me already having another husband. So, someone told her. She wasn't nasty, just curious, and so, we've now invited her and other family members to our house. We didn't do that before since DarkKnight being there would have outted us to her. Now that isn't an issue.

You can read my journal about how we have everything set up - I've been writing for a while, but it's all in there. the link is in my signature.

 

[CattivaGattina]

I've done long distance (as a mono) before. I can't do it. I live with my husband and Sir is only a 30 min drive from where I live (will be closer one he, his wife, and her fiancee move into the house they bought). Our long term goal is for all five of us to live together (and for Sir and I to have a non-legal marriage just like his wife and fiancee will be having).

In other words I don't do hierarchical polyamory. My husband and Tighearn are on equal standing for me. I'm on equal standing with Merry. And Tighearn and N8 are on equal standing for Merry. We also practice family style polyamory.

Just so you have ideas on length people have been together. I've been with my husband 6 years (married 2), Tighearn and I will celebrate 2 years this November, Tighearn and Merry have been together either 6 or 7 years (married 3), Merry and N8 have been together 4 years.

 

[Dagferi]

Okay. This begs so many questions. Feel free to tell me that these questions are too personal.

How do you logistically stay in different houses and still go to work? How do holidays work?

How did Butch work out his jealousy issues? This is probably the most pressing question for me personally as I still find myself in his position occasionally. Was there any type of compromise involved? Has either butch or murf had play partners that made you jealous?

It is easy. Why would it be a complicated process? I just drive between the two homes which are 24 miles apart. It isn't like I am traveling between states or anything.

My work is closer to Murfs so I do stay with him on a few of the days I work, especially on my two days that are back to back to save on gas and wear and tear on my SUV.

Holidays are easy too. Butch and I have no family here so we celebrate things or own way. Murf comes over to celebrate with us and then Murf, the kids and myself go over to Murfs family. Murf is very close with my kids. Due to distance and some other factors (nothing to do with polyamory) Murfs family is closer to my children than Butch's.

He did some soul searching and learned to let go and trust me. There were no compromises or etc. Butch only has occasional BDSM poly partners where there is no sex involved (by his choice). I detest BDSM it creeps me out partake in so I could care less that he has play partners. Murf is monogamous he has no urge to have other partners.

 

[YouAreHere]

Okay. This begs so many questions. Feel free to tell me that these questions are too personal.

How do you logistically stay in different houses and still go to work? How do holidays work?

How did Butch work out his jealousy issues? This is probably the most pressing question for me personally as I still find myself in his position occasionally. Was there any type of compromise involved? Has either butch or murf had play partners that made you jealous?

Piping in since my partner is the hinge and travels between two homes... I'm the mono one.

Chops works closer to his other home with Xena. Both homes are about 1.5 hours away, so his commute from his home with Xena is about 1/2 hour, while his commute (adding extra time for traffic, because there's all sorts of crappy construction) from his home with me is anywhere up to about 1.5 hours. Really, he just gets up earlier when he's with me, and gets home later. It kind of sucks, but it is what it is. Finding a job closer in the middle didn't really happen the last time he was job searching, even though he was looking.

I still get envious from time to time that certain circumstances (location of his daughter, mostly) will keep Chops in his other home, and Xena's there with him. It's more like, "I want that too" rather than anything else, but I recognize that it's more of a distance problem than a poly problem, and those circumstances would keep him there regardless (and my own circumstances keep me where I am).

Holidays depend, and have fluctuated. I've been used to spending holidays on the "off days" anyway, back when I was married, since we'd do Thanksgiving and Christmas with my ex's family and then spend the days before or after with mine. Now, the kids still celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with my ex-in-laws, and I work around that.

Chops' birthday is spent with both me and Xena (and, last year, Noa), and his family. We congregate in his other home, since it's closer to everyone else. We head up to Chops' mom's or sister's house as a group for various other holidays (Spring Dinner, Thanksgiving, Father's Day, etc.). His family weddings have been attended as a group (his family has been spectacular about including both me and Xena).

Events that are with MY family do not typically include Xena, since my relationship is really with him, not her.

Christmas gets funky, just because of all the wonky logistics. When my mom was alive, she used to spend Christmas with me. Chops' mom usually does Christmas Eve, but it was too much running around for me and the kids (especially if I wanted to play Santa that night, since my youngest still believes!), so I bowed out of that. She also has a Yule celebration, though, that we do attend. Christmas day, I don't have the kids, and now mom's not with us, so Chops, Xena, and I have been spending it together at whichever home Chops is supposed to be at that day. Usually we've played Cards Against Humanity or something, and we eat and drink all day.

New Year's Eve is typically my night with the kids, so we won't have a group activity until the kids are older and out.

Basically, we found what works, even if it's all over the place. What we do may not end up being what you would do, but it's okay to make concessions and figure out what works and what doesn't.

 

[Heteroflexing]

My husband said he was a bit sad and scared at first. But he also think my boyfriend is a wonderful man. He says I couldn't have found at better man to be his metamour. They have known each other just a couple of weeks less than I have known my boyfriend.

My husband is still in contact with his sort of ex who is also a friend. She is really nice and not crazy, just she is not sure how to do things. She even apologized for making at mess. It is not always easy to be there for my husband through it. I think the best I can do is just to be a good girlfriend to him, and lend him an ear if he needs to talk.

Many of our friends know about us /poly and some of his brothers know. We have yet to tell our parents and my siblings. I have met his mum but she is not aware I am also married . We want to have kids one day so the openness issue is something we need to work on.

That's absolutely wonderful about the metamour relationship. I would imagine that is one of the most important ways for long term relationship success. How did you introduce them?

That's nice that your husband still has the ex/friend. What's even nicer is that she apologized. It sounds like if you are lending him an ear, you are being a great girlfriend.

You bring up a very interesting point. Do you plan to have kids with both of your men? How did it come out with his family or your friends. Very few of my friends know about us and none of our family does (though I believe they have their suspicions). What's the best way to go about this?