Anyone else had a similar experience?

[Heteroflexing]

In the period before he moved in, there was even less to complain about. While I was dating him, we saw each other a couple times a week, and DarkKnight was well used to me being out almost every evening with different people (guys and friends). When we became serious, I started splitting my time equally between the two households - half the week at PunkRock's, half at my own house with DarkKnight. That didn't last very long as it was difficult for me to manage my life away so much. So, PunkRock moved in with us. This never would have happened if the guys weren't so compatible, personality-wise. They're both so easy going!

I also made sure that they had their own space in the house - I took ownership of the master bedroom suite, and they each have their own private, same size bedroom. They also each have their own additional space - DarkKnight has his office (he works from home) and PunkRock has a large room in the basement he uses as his painting studio. So they both have plenty of space to do their own thing.

Coming out to my kids - I told my oldest (25) while in the car, and he was just, you've always been weird mom. My oldest daughter (24) lives in a different state, so I told her over the phone. She was excited, happy and very interested to gossip about my dates and relationships. My youngest (17) was more difficult, and we discussed disclosure with her therapist first. He urged us to tell her as her siblings knew, and she had been growing anxious at my frequent absences. DarkKnight and I set her down on the couch and told her about the situation. She cried a little bit, and then the next day had a ton of questions. It quickly became the norm for her, and now it is no big deal. She has flipped out on people who call it weird, or who try to feel bad for her for not having a traditional family. Parents are embarrassing, she just has 3 people now that bug her to clean her room.

I am not actually meeting any new family members - PunkRock's family has known me the entire time and the fact that I was already married. His stepmom did not know I was poly, and he did not want to tell her. I respected that, but refused to lie, if she had ever asked. Since we always visited her, there was no time that DarkKnight was brought up. PunkRock and I were married in May, and at the 4th of July BBQ at her house, we shared our wedding album. At that point, she asked me point blank how it worked with me already having another husband. So, someone told her. She wasn't nasty, just curious, and so, we've now invited her and other family members to our house. We didn't do that before since DarkKnight being there would have outted us to her. Now that isn't an issue.

You can read my journal about how we have everything set up - I've been writing for a while, but it's all in there. the link is in my signature.

I'm seeing a trend that for a V to work, it's best to have compatible fellows. Maybe its that easy going guys make the best partners for poly people.

That's fantastic how you have the independent space laid out. Does the sleeping typically end up in their bedrooms, or is it more complicated than that. (I apologize if this is all in the journal, which I will be reading extensively for pointers but haven't had the time to read yet).

The children aspect sounds far better than I expect. I guess that mature children just adapt more easily, and the younger children tend to cling to a more traditional family model/are more concerned about how the family "looks" to an outsider. Either way, it sounds like you have raised great kids that are mature enough to handle something most kids might take more issue with.

It sounds like each of your parents has been relatively supportive/are coming around. This is good news to hear, even if it means having slightly uncomfortable conversations. I guess that's part of having a varsity level relationship.

Thank you again for answering a million questions. As aforementioned I will be reading your journal regularly.

 

[Heteroflexing]

I've done long distance (as a mono) before. I can't do it. I live with my husband and Sir is only a 30 min drive from where I live (will be closer one he, his wife, and her fiancee move into the house they bought). Our long term goal is for all five of us to live together (and for Sir and I to have a non-legal marriage just like his wife and fiancee will be having).

In other words I don't do hierarchical polyamory. My husband and Tighearn are on equal standing for me. I'm on equal standing with Merry. And Tighearn and N8 are on equal standing for Merry. We also practice family style polyamory.

Just so you have ideas on length people have been together. I've been with my husband 6 years (married 2), Tighearn and I will celebrate 2 years this November, Tighearn and Merry have been together either 6 or 7 years (married 3), Merry and N8 have been together 4 years.

Thank you for the detailed answer that raises lots of questions. I looked up family style polyamory. Does this mean that you will all be living together and will all consider each other immediate family? Are there any kids in the family? Also, how do holidays work?

Lastly, how do you work out disagreements between metamours?

Congrats on making something that is seemingly quite complicated work for so many people.

 

[Heteroflexing]

It is easy. Why would it be a complicated process? I just drive between the two homes which are 24 miles apart. It isn't like I am traveling between states or anything.

My work is closer to Murfs so I do stay with him on a few of the days I work, especially on my two days that are back to back to save on gas and wear and tear on my SUV.

Holidays are easy too. Butch and I have no family here so we celebrate things or own way. Murf comes over to celebrate with us and then Murf, the kids and myself go over to Murfs family. Murf is very close with my kids. Due to distance and some other factors (nothing to do with polyamory) Murfs family is closer to my children than Butch's.

He did some soul searching and learned to let go and trust me. There were no compromises or etc. Butch only has occasional BDSM poly partners where there is no sex involved (by his choice). I detest BDSM it creeps me out partake in so I could care less that he has play partners. Murf is monogamous he has no urge to have other partners.

So the close distance does make it much easier. That's very interesting.

It seems like you have the logistics down to a science. That's wonderful that Murf's family has become so close with the kids too!

That's nice that you and Butch both trust each other and you can each do your own thing. That's great that it didn't even require compromise on your part. If the BDSM did transition and there was a sexual/emotional component, would that change how you felt about Butch's play partners?

 

[Heteroflexing]

Piping in since my partner is the hinge and travels between two homes... I'm the mono one.

Chops works closer to his other home with Xena. Both homes are about 1.5 hours away, so his commute from his home with Xena is about 1/2 hour, while his commute (adding extra time for traffic, because there's all sorts of crappy construction) from his home with me is anywhere up to about 1.5 hours. Really, he just gets up earlier when he's with me, and gets home later. It kind of sucks, but it is what it is. Finding a job closer in the middle didn't really happen the last time he was job searching, even though he was looking.

I still get envious from time to time that certain circumstances (location of his daughter, mostly) will keep Chops in his other home, and Xena's there with him. It's more like, "I want that too" rather than anything else, but I recognize that it's more of a distance problem than a poly problem, and those circumstances would keep him there regardless (and my own circumstances keep me where I am).

Holidays depend, and have fluctuated. I've been used to spending holidays on the "off days" anyway, back when I was married, since we'd do Thanksgiving and Christmas with my ex's family and then spend the days before or after with mine. Now, the kids still celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with my ex-in-laws, and I work around that.

Chops' birthday is spent with both me and Xena (and, last year, Noa), and his family. We congregate in his other home, since it's closer to everyone else. We head up to Chops' mom's or sister's house as a group for various other holidays (Spring Dinner, Thanksgiving, Father's Day, etc.). His family weddings have been attended as a group (his family has been spectacular about including both me and Xena).

Events that are with MY family do not typically include Xena, since my relationship is really with him, not her.

Christmas gets funky, just because of all the wonky logistics. When my mom was alive, she used to spend Christmas with me. Chops' mom usually does Christmas Eve, but it was too much running around for me and the kids (especially if I wanted to play Santa that night, since my youngest still believes!), so I bowed out of that. She also has a Yule celebration, though, that we do attend. Christmas day, I don't have the kids, and now mom's not with us, so Chops, Xena, and I have been spending it together at whichever home Chops is supposed to be at that day. Usually we've played Cards Against Humanity or something, and we eat and drink all day.

New Year's Eve is typically my night with the kids, so we won't have a group activity until the kids are older and out.

Basically, we found what works, even if it's all over the place. What we do may not end up being what you would do, but it's okay to make concessions and figure out what works and what doesn't.

Thank you sooooo much for piping up. It seems like being the hinge can be easier than being the end (or maybe it's just grass-is-always-greener syndrome).

It sounds like kiddos add an extra significant layer to the logistics dilemma. Were you with chops when you were with your ex? How did they take to him, or Xena, or their kids and the other family members.

It's wonderful that Chop's family has been so accepting of you and Xena. Is the lack of including Xena in your family affairs part of your mono preference or is this because of your family's preferences?

The whole ordeal sounds very dynamic and sounds like it requires a great deal of compromise. What I didn't read above is you saying it isn't worth the work. That sounds pretty encouraging.

THANK YOU AGAIN SO MUCH for replying. Feel free not to respond to the questions above if they are too personal.

 

[Bluebird]

I have the king sized bed in my master suite, so they trade off nights. They come for a sleepover down the hall. They alternate date nights - if DarkKnight has a sleepover with me, then that evening belongs to PunkRock for us to go out or cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie before bedtime. So every night I see both of them, but they get their own individual time. This isn't carved in stone though, lots of times there are events scheduled, or we have a game night all together.

I am not sure I would go as far to say that successful Vs need friendly metamours, as there are plenty of Vs where the metamours never even meet. I would say that it is true if you are all going to live together though! My guys aren't best friends or anything, though they share a lot of common qualities - sometimes it's hilarious to me how similar they are when making comments. One will say something, leave the room, and then the other will come in and say the exact same thing. I give them shit for that. Lol They do come together to help each other out when needed, for sure. They take wonderful care of me!

 

[Dagferi]

Nope I wouldn't care if Butch's BDSM play partners relationship evolved into a sexual relationship. The only thing I would ask is that Butch respect/protect my sexual health since I am fluid bonded with both my guys.

And I agree with Bluebird you do not need friendly metamours for a successful poly relationship. My guys do not have anything to do with each other, other than holidays, kid events, or in an emergency.

I have been doing this successfully for over 3 years now.

 

[CattivaGattina]

Thank you for the detailed answer that raises lots of questions. I looked up family style polyamory. Does this mean that you will all be living together and will all consider each other immediate family? Are there any kids in the family? Also, how do holidays work?

Lastly, how do you work out disagreements between metamours?

Congrats on making something that is seemingly quite complicated work for so many people.

Yes, the plan is for us to all live together. And we would think of each other at immediate family (cause logistically we would view it that three of the members of my family are married to two different people). As of now there are no children but the ultimate plan is a co-parenting type set up.

Holidays would probably always be a little different. My family, Woodsmith's family, and Tighearn's family does not know about the poly. During holidays we'll all figure out time with biological/in-law families but also look at schedules to make time for our family. Case in point, our Christmas together is generally around the 26th or 27th.

We sit down and talk. Mainly try to have the two people who are having a disagreement talk but occasionally if the shared partner is needed they'll be there. If a neutral party needs to be there we'll ask a close friend in our Leather family to be there.

 

[playfulgirl]

I would say that when people are committed it's relatively easy to make things work. I'm the wing of a vee and spend nights real roughly half of a week. Lady and I communicate regularly. But it doesn't have to be like that. She sees her dom every week and he has only met real once. She navigates those scheduling waters for what suits them. There are many ways to do poly.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Heteroflexing,

Long distance isn't necessarily required for a successful poly relationship; in fact, the V I'm in started because we lived close enough to each other that we ended up working together. I'm not sure how to explain your difficulties with short-distance partners. Perhaps your theory is right; absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

How to meet LDR's? Seems like OKCupid would work fine, just don't narrow the distance limits of your search.

Re (from OP):

"Does one member finding partners easier cause anyone else issues in a poly relationship?"

We often get that. The male of an M/F couple will have much more trouble finding dates than the female, and that will cause the male considerable confusion and frustration. Unfortunately, I don't know of any remedy for that. You just have to power through the pain I guess.

Hopefully that answers a few of your questions?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[NoahValentine]

I can't do long distance relationship , cuz the feeling would die in no time without physical contact
I dont think this would be success and please consider

 

[YouAreHere]

Thank you sooooo much for piping up. It seems like being the hinge can be easier than being the end (or maybe it's just grass-is-always-greener syndrome).

At times, maybe, but Chops ends up doing a lot of driving, and spends an awful lot of time in transit. It's draining, and he's talking about just taking a day for himself to go stick a chair in the car, go somewhere, sit, and do nothing. Alone.

The hinge gets the wonderful bonus of trying to keep two partners happy, even if/when their needs conflict. Not an easy task. Scheduling is also not his strong suit (we've established that he's calendar-challenged ), so HAVING to consult Google Calendar for every single thing has not been an easy thing to add to his repertoire.

It sounds like kiddos add an extra significant layer to the logistics dilemma. Were you with chops when you were with your ex? How did they take to him, or Xena, or their kids and the other family members.

I was not - Chops and I were friends, but our marriage was (at least superficially) monogamous, so there were no sanctioned "relationships". Since Chops was a friend, the kids knew each other in passing (at mutual friends' BBQs, etc.), and enjoyed hanging out in those situations, but they were few and far between.

(I say "superficially" because my ex did have some online cyber-sex relationships during our marriage, as well as a long-term friendship that really evolved into something more, despite his insisting (poorly) that it hadn't. I'd gotten emotionally close to Chops at the end of my marriage, but that was unacceptable to my ex, and I shut Chops out for a while as we tried to fix the marriage. It didn't work, and I started dating Chops after my ex and I separated.)

As for how they took to everyone, my oldest is "meh" on Chops. She's actually gotten a bit more conversational with him over the last month or so (fingers crossed). My youngest loves him and wants to play Magic: The Gathering with him all the damned time.

Also, one cat's not so fond of him, and one is.

It's wonderful that Chop's family has been so accepting of you and Xena. Is the lack of including Xena in your family affairs part of your mono preference or is this because of your family's preferences?

There are two different kinds of family affairs here: ones to which I'm invited, where Chops is my "plus one" because he's my only one. Xena does not get invited to those because to me, she's just a friend (or Chops' family, in a way), and my relatives are not inviting friends or in-laws to that particular event.

The other would be my events, like Thanksgiving dinner (on an off day), for example. That's my own preference. I don't invite any of Chops' other family (the house would explode), so it's me, Chops, the kids, and my relatives. Sort of like a married couple going to one set of parents or the other. The other in-law side doesn't get invited.

Also, while my mom knew about Chops being poly, and met Xena, not everyone in my family knows. That's my choice, as I don't want my family to vilify him. If it comes out, fine. I'll deal with it, but I'd prefer to not have to.

The whole ordeal sounds very dynamic and sounds like it requires a great deal of compromise. What I didn't read above is you saying it isn't worth the work. That sounds pretty encouraging.

Chops and I have a great relationship, and it is definitely worth the work. Heck, last night we just sat around on the couch talking about movies, and the evolution of certain authors' writing styles. We've been in a relationship for 4 years (thereabouts), and we still can have rambling conversations. Yippee!

THANK YOU AGAIN SO MUCH for replying. Feel free not to respond to the questions above if they are too personal.

If anything, you may need to tell me if I'm providing TMI.
You're welcome!

 

[Norwegianpoly]

That's absolutely wonderful about the metamour relationship. I would imagine that is one of the most important ways for long term relationship success. How did you introduce them?

That's nice that your husband still has the ex/friend. What's even nicer is that she apologized. It sounds like if you are lending him an ear, you are being a great girlfriend.

You bring up a very interesting point. Do you plan to have kids with both of your men? How did it come out with his family or your friends. Very few of my friends know about us and none of our family does (though I believe they have their suspicions). What's the best way to go about this?

They got introduced on Skype and then met in person after about eight months (we lived together for a week).

We have yet to find out all the details, but my wish is that we will be three parents for the child/children (regardless of who is the biological parents).

We have come out to my poly friends, some other friends, some of my husband's friends, some of boyfriend 's friends and two of his brothers. Family is the hardest to come out to. It was also hard to tell my doctor, I eventually had to become it was medicallly relevant. I hope to tell my parents and introduce him to them on his next visit to us. I plan to just tell it straight... Although I have prepared some grund by letting them know I travel, learn language and so on.

 

[Magdlyn]

I just want to point out you can't generalize. Every family's poly will be different depending on the people involved. The adults, the children, if any, will adapt and thrive or not.

Just like if you have 2 kids and do your darnedest to raise them the same, one will turn out one way, one will turn out another way. It's not your parenting, it's their wiring.

I would have to say, younger kids, prepubescent, generally adapt more quickly to mom and/or dad having another lover, than teens will. Teens tend to think their parents having sex is gross (whether they are mono or poly). Little kids tend to be unaware of that aspect, and if Mom's special friend Travis starts hanging around more, the little kids are just self centered. Is he fun to play with? Is he nice? Is Mom happy when he's around? Then they are fine with it.

Teens might be more suspicious and feel a bit thrown until they've assessed the situation more rationally.

 

[Heteroflexing]

I have the king sized bed in my master suite, so they trade off nights. They come for a sleepover down the hall. They alternate date nights - if DarkKnight has a sleepover with me, then that evening belongs to PunkRock for us to go out or cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie before bedtime. So every night I see both of them, but they get their own individual time. This isn't carved in stone though, lots of times there are events scheduled, or we have a game night all together.

I am not sure I would go as far to say that successful Vs need friendly metamours, as there are plenty of Vs where the metamours never even meet. I would say that it is true if you are all going to live together though! My guys aren't best friends or anything, though they share a lot of common qualities - sometimes it's hilarious to me how similar they are when making comments. One will say something, leave the room, and then the other will come in and say the exact same thing. I give them shit for that. Lol They do come together to help each other out when needed, for sure. They take wonderful care of me!

Haha! Your sleepovers are the exact opposite of what I have found the most success with. This really does work out exceptionally well for you (and them). As you said, you get to do all the things!!!

That's also hilarious how similar your two guys are. Perhaps you have a type. I have to ask now that I know more about you, which one likes to geocache more?

Congratulations on finding a really nice family.

 

[Heteroflexing]

Nope I wouldn't care if Butch's BDSM play partners relationship evolved into a sexual relationship. The only thing I would ask is that Butch respect/protect my sexual health since I am fluid bonded with both my guys.

And I agree with Bluebird you do not need friendly metamours for a successful poly relationship. My guys do not have anything to do with each other, other than holidays, kid events, or in an emergency.

I have been doing this successfully for over 3 years now.

I have found that sexual health considerations add an additional layer of complications as well. It's not a major inconvenience but my wife had to explain the situation to her OB when she last saw him to explain why she wanted to be tested.

That's good to know that the necessity isn't a requirement.

 

[Heteroflexing]

Yes, the plan is for us to all live together. And we would think of each other at immediate family (cause logistically we would view it that three of the members of my family are married to two different people). As of now there are no children but the ultimate plan is a co-parenting type set up.

Holidays would probably always be a little different. My family, Woodsmith's family, and Tighearn's family does not know about the poly. During holidays we'll all figure out time with biological/in-law families but also look at schedules to make time for our family. Case in point, our Christmas together is generally around the 26th or 27th.

We sit down and talk. Mainly try to have the two people who are having a disagreement talk but occasionally if the shared partner is needed they'll be there. If a neutral party needs to be there we'll ask a close friend in our Leather family to be there.

I've read that the a child's success by many metrics is directly proportional to the number of stakeholders involved in the child's success. The co-parenting set up would be ideal to maximize this effect!

Communication and active planning seem to be the underlying principles for poly success. You seem to be swimming in both, which is great. Do you think you ever will inform your family of the poly aspect? If so, how long do you think you will wait?

Congrats on finding a great family to you too!

 

[Heteroflexing]

I would say that when people are committed it's relatively easy to make things work. I'm the wing of a vee and spend nights real roughly half of a week. Lady and I communicate regularly. But it doesn't have to be like that. She sees her dom every week and he has only met real once. She navigates those scheduling waters for what suits them. There are many ways to do poly.

That's excellent news to hear.

Do you spend half of your week with Real, and half with Fox, or is it less frequent than that? Do you get along well with Lady, or do you find that you have disagreements often?

 

[Heteroflexing]

Hi Heteroflexing,

Long distance isn't necessarily required for a successful poly relationship; in fact, the V I'm in started because we lived close enough to each other that we ended up working together. I'm not sure how to explain your difficulties with short-distance partners. Perhaps your theory is right; absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

How to meet LDR's? Seems like OKCupid would work fine, just don't narrow the distance limits of your search.

Re (from OP):


We often get that. The male of an M/F couple will have much more trouble finding dates than the female, and that will cause the male considerable confusion and frustration. Unfortunately, I don't know of any remedy for that. You just have to power through the pain I guess.

Hopefully that answers a few of your questions?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Howdy Kevin,

Thank you for the advice! Did you work together before starting the V or did it happen afterward? Do you know of anyone that has had success with an LDR?

Thanks for the advice on toughing it out. It's certainly not the worst thing in the world. I believe I've gotten over much of the confusion and the frustration so far. It sounds like if I end up finding the silver bullet I should share it with my fellow poly males.

I will be checking out OKC again.

TFTC!

Heteroflexing

 

[Heteroflexing]

I can't do long distance relationship , cuz the feeling would die in no time without physical contact
I dont think this would be success and please consider

Thank you for the advice Noah! I will definitely take it into consideration.

 

[Heteroflexing]

At times, maybe, but Chops ends up doing a lot of driving, and spends an awful lot of time in transit. It's draining, and he's talking about just taking a day for himself to go stick a chair in the car, go somewhere, sit, and do nothing. Alone.

The hinge gets the wonderful bonus of trying to keep two partners happy, even if/when their needs conflict. Not an easy task. Scheduling is also not his strong suit (we've established that he's calendar-challenged ), so HAVING to consult Google Calendar for every single thing has not been an easy thing to add to his repertoire.

You make two great points. I definitely understand the needing alone time as an introvert. The last time my wife went to visit her guy I took three days to myself and had a blast. I too would have loads of issues scheduling work and two sets of dates. I guess it is pretty green on this side.

I was not - Chops and I were friends, but our marriage was (at least superficially) monogamous, so there were no sanctioned "relationships". Since Chops was a friend, the kids knew each other in passing (at mutual friends' BBQs, etc.), and enjoyed hanging out in those situations, but they were few and far between.

(I say "superficially" because my ex did have some online cyber-sex relationships during our marriage, as well as a long-term friendship that really evolved into something more, despite his insisting (poorly) that it hadn't. I'd gotten emotionally close to Chops at the end of my marriage, but that was unacceptable to my ex, and I shut Chops out for a while as we tried to fix the marriage. It didn't work, and I started dating Chops after my ex and I separated.)

That's too bad about how things ended with your ex, but to paraphrase Louie C.K. "Don't feel bad for the divorced. Everyone who is divorced is MUCH MUCH happier than before" I too am divorced from someone that was dishonest and controlling. I am so extremely better off now.

As for how they took to everyone, my oldest is "meh" on Chops. She's actually gotten a bit more conversational with him over the last month or so (fingers crossed). My youngest loves him and wants to play Magic: The Gathering with him all the damned time.

Also, one cat's not so fond of him, and one is.

Good luck with everyone getting along. Other than the one cat, it sounds like everything is moving in the right direction.

Thanks for clarifying the holiday/family situation. It sounds like with the number of balls in the air that the coming out process can be just as complicated if not moreso than any other more typical coming out process (coming out as gay, bi, etc.)

Chops and I have a great relationship, and it is definitely worth the work. Heck, last night we just sat around on the couch talking about movies, and the evolution of certain authors' writing styles. We've been in a relationship for 4 years (thereabouts), and we still can have rambling conversations. Yippee!

If anything, you may need to tell me if I'm providing TMI.

That's absolutely wonderful to hear. At 4 years I hope I can say exactly the same thing. You are providing me with exactly the right amount of I.

THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN!