My feelings about his time management

[Confused]

I've quoted this because it strongly reminds me of an ex.

I used to be with a woman who seemed to value her time with her children less and less as our relationship developed. I'm not a biological parent although I have parented more than one child. I found her attitude distasteful to say the least. She would want me to be at everything and when I did attend, it quickly changed from us doing something with her children to her children tagging along with us on our date. Even events where we were only there to watch her children do something revolved around us, or should I say, me. She stopped enjoying being their parent and it was clear that she started to view them as burdensome because I didn't always want to hang out with the children and be part of their activities and instead of questioning our compatibility, she became resentful towards them. It was really off-putting for me. She probably still maintains that I dumped her because she is a mother. That isn't the case at all. I dumped her because I couldn't stand to see how little validation she got from her children, and how much validation she got from me.

I don't understand this. You didn't always want to be with the children, but you thought less of her because she didn't always want to be either?
If she felt you pulling away I think it's normal to end up focussing for a time on her relationship with you. We're human, we can't do everything, sometimes we need to firefight and focus on the relationship that needs our effort the most right now.

I love my kids, I home educate them, we're together almost all the time and I miss them when we're not but still when my husband and I have issues to sort out or need time to reconnect and nurture our relationship the kids need to take a back seat. Likewise, if one of the children is struggling then my husband needs to manage with less of my time for a bit.

 

[MightyMax]

I don't understand this. You didn't always want to be with the children, but you thought less of her because she didn't always want to be either?
If she felt you pulling away I think it's normal to end up focussing for a time on her relationship with you. We're human, we can't do everything, sometimes we need to firefight and focus on the relationship that needs our effort the most right now.

I love my kids, I home educate them, we're together almost all the time and I miss them when we're not but still when my husband and I have issues to sort out or need time to reconnect and nurture our relationship the kids need to take a back seat. Likewise, if one of the children is struggling then my husband needs to manage with less of my time for a bit.

What happened is that she basically stopped having alone time with her children. She'd want me to be at everything, in the house every day if she could. Say if her son had a sporting event, and she invited me and I declined, she'd immediately try and get another adult family member to attend so she could be with me instead. If she couldn't, she'd be very annoyed with me and her children. Her children began to dislike my presence. Her children didn't understand why their mother had lost interest in them.

Her parents and siblings knew how things were heading because of how often they were being asked to have the kids. Her mother advised her (wrongly, I think, but I get her point) to find someone who also had children and would be more willing to do the family thing because her children were suffering. She simply stopped talking to her mother (except when she really needed a sitter).

When we all went out all together, all her attention would be directed at me. She would talk to me and "ssh" her children if they did their kid thing and laughed and joked either with us or amongst themselves. I really liked her so I tried being around more and hoping that it lessened, but it didn't. It just meant the kids were pushed out for longer periods. I didn't want to be this evil partner of their mother's who came between them all and despite not having the urge to be a biological parent, I didn't like how these children were being parented. I didn't want to be responsible for the low self esteem and abandonment issues that are bound to come from this situation.

 

[ThatYankBird]

It's tough - I think we have to be willing to be alone and feel a certain amount of emptiness in our lives in order to make space for something new and fantastic to come in. Like, I want to be with people who say "Hell yes!" to being with me. I want to be with people who are eager for my company and let me know it in actions as well as words. That's how it was when I first met my ex-husband, and pretty much why I married him. He was always a "Hell, yes!" to being with me, and that felt pretty great.

So, if I want Hell Yes People in my life, I need to purge the Meh People to make room for them, LOL. Even if it means being without anyone for a while.

That's what I want. Hell Yes.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the loss of this relationship. Feeling sad/disappointed/angry(?) That someone I thought cared for me is apparently, in reality, so indifferent toward me that he can't even be bothered to make contact with me.

Got in contact with my metamour last night. Just exchanged a few general texts. I don't think she knows much, if anything, about what's happening in my relationship with the hinge. (If she does know, she certainly didn't let on). I really like her, and would like to continue a friendship with her. Don't know if that will work if the thing we have in common is gone, or if I'll just find it too difficult. I may just tell it to her straight and ask her how she'd feel about it.