STIs and fertility in polyamorous relationships

T

teacosy

New member
Hello all. I am writing this in order to hear about people's experiences in issues of STIs and fertility when it comes to multiple relationships and partners.

For a few months now I have started to worry a lot more about my health. My primary partner and I plan on having children in a couple of years and I have polycystic ovaries syndrome, which drastically reduces my fertility. So I'm already a little worried about that.

To add to this, 6 months back I discovered I had a mycoplasma infection, despite my vaginal flora results being tip-top (meaning it was probably sexually transmitted). We use condoms with all our other partners (but not each other), nonetheless we asked everyone to get tested. No one else had it. I got treated, we continued, but I've not seen anyone since then as I was too stressed with finishing my degree. I somehow managed to catch mycoplasma again, this time with 2 different bacteria (again with my vaginal flora in perfect health). So this time both me and my primary partner are being treated (apparently in men it won't always show up in the standard urine test as it can be tucked away in the testicles) since it was almost definitely transmitted via him and not another partner.

But now I am worried about this infection affecting my ability to conceive, especially if we catch it again. Even if all our partners were systematically treated (and doctors in France are very unlikey to give out antibiotics just like that) obviously one of them got it from somewhere so what's to stop them catching it again, and in turn, us catching it again? Edit: I should add that all our other partners either don't want children or are much older and have children already, so they don't care too much about this sort of thing

I don't want to bring it up with my partner(s) right away, I react to this sort of thing very emotionally so it's best to wait till I've rationalised it a bit. In the meantime I would love to hear some of your experiences so that I might figure out a way to deal with this.
 
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That's definitely neither the subject of the thread nor what I said.

Plus condoms are not without risk. They've not yet invented the entire-body-condom...
 
I guess I'm not sure what you're asking about, then. You want children, already have fertility issues, yet keep getting an STI and you're hesitant to discuss with us or your partner his use of condoms?
 
Sorry you're going through this - contracting any kind of infection or disease is everyone's worst nightmare, but it is treatable at least, so don't panic. It seems to me you only really have a few choices. You definitely need to contact all your lovers explaining that you tested positive for this, and ask that they get themselves and THEIR other lovers checked out. Whilst doctors anywhere (not just in France) would find it hard to justify blanket prescribing antibiotics as a precaution, they surely would not object to tests followed by treatment if those tests prove positive. And even if your other partners aren't interested in their fertility to the same degree as you, surely they would rather get treated and tested anyway, given the choice. Give them the chance to make that choice and tell them now, before they have the chance to potentially spread this wider, even if you are feeling emotional. I don't think it's right to sit on this information.

After that, you can choose to either to continue to be very vigilant about your safer sex practises from now on, or stop having sex with anyone other than your husband. Since it seems likely that you contracted it from him (or infected him and got reinfected yourself) then he needs to step up his controls too from now on. It sounds like this particular bacteria is into transmission from warm wet tissue to warm wet tissue, so I suppose it's possible that certain activities people often think of as unproblematic (like fingering, and oral) might also be transmission routes. Also, sex toys. I'm always amazed at the people who forget to use protection with their sex toys. :roll eyes:

I'm no expert though - I hadn't actually heard of this particular infection until today, so take advice from your doctor on this, and cut out any of those activities if you cannot do them with a barrier in place.

With regards to your main concern, which seems to be your fertility, again, best to just speak to your doctor about this. You already know you may struggle to conceive naturally anyway - I wouldn't assume this is the straw to break the camels back. If having kids naturally is a priority for you, then the best thing you can do is actually to start trying NOW. You are never going to be more fertile than you are today, sad as that may be.
 
Not at all hesitant, I just didn't want to derail the conversation. But since you're being insistent...My partner and I use condoms for PIV sex with our other partners and are generally careful (for example we don't use gloves but we do make sure each hand only touches one person's genitals). We don't practice anal sex outside the primary couple even with condoms as we find it to be too risky. We are open with our partners about testing and safe sex and we don't engage in sexual activity with someone who doesn't seem conscious of the dangers (so we only engage in sexual activity with people who, like us, get regularly tested and use condoms with their other partners)

Now back to the subject at hand, I wanted to hear from people who have maybe already crossed these subjects in their relationships, to know how they dealt with it, to hear about people's experience with STI prevention or getting STIs despite following the majority of safe sex rules (we have never used condoms/dental dams for oral sex, though in any case I don't think that was the culprit in this situation, it was more likely contamination as a result of the lack of entire-body condoms...) or indeed infertility as a result of these infections, or no problems conceiving despite infections. Some of these questions could be asked of monogamous couples where past infections or a partner's infidelity cause infertility, but I want to hear specifically from people who don't resort to exclusive monogamy as a solution.

STIs are obviously something we think about as poly or nonmonogamous people, but when you're concerned about fertility too it makes the prospect of getting an infection (again!) really very scary. I'm not worried about hepatitis, syphilis or HIV. I'm worried about the more common/easily transmissable infections like chlamydia and mycoplasma infections.
 
tenK said:
Sorry you're going through this - contracting any kind of infection or disease is everyone's worst nightmare, but it is treatable at least, so don't panic. It seems to me you only really have a few choices. You definitely need to contact all your lovers explaining that you tested positive for this, and ask that they get themselves and THEIR other lovers checked out. Whilst doctors anywhere (not just in France) would find it hard to justify blanket prescribing antibiotics as a precaution, they surely would not object to tests followed by treatment if those tests prove positive. And even if your other partners aren't interested in their fertility to the same degree as you, surely they would rather get treated and tested anyway, given the choice. Give them the chance to make that choice and tell them now, before they have the chance to potentially spread this wider, even if you are feeling emotional. I don't think it's right to sit on this information.

After that, you can choose to either to continue to be very vigilant about your safer sex practises from now on, or stop having sex with anyone other than your husband. Since it seems likely that you contracted it from him (or infected him and got reinfected yourself) then he needs to step up his controls too from now on. It sounds like this particular bacteria is into transmission from warm wet tissue to warm wet tissue, so I suppose it's possible that certain activities people often think of as unproblematic (like fingering, and oral) might also be transmission routes. Also, sex toys. I'm always amazed at the people who forget to use protection with their sex toys. :roll eyes:

I'm no expert though - I hadn't actually heard of this particular infection until today, so take advice from your doctor on this, and cut out any of those activities if you cannot do them with a barrier in place.

With regards to your main concern, which seems to be your fertility, again, best to just speak to your doctor about this. You already know you may struggle to conceive naturally anyway - I wouldn't assume this is the straw to break the camels back. If having kids naturally is a priority for you, then the best thing you can do is actually to start trying NOW. You are never going to be more fertile than you are today, sad as that may be.
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Don't worry our partners all already know. But it's a really tricky infection to test for, in men it can be hidden away in the testicles so...good luck testing for that with a urine test! With women it's a lot easier (swab test).

I hadn't heard of it before either, it's very little known. I think you're right though, one tactic will definitely be to improve hygiene and safe sex practices during sex. (for sex toys we always use condoms anway, even non-penetrative ones, unless it's glass you can't trust that it's going to be non-porous!)

And I would love to start trying now! I think it's why I worry so much. But we are financially not in a good place. We live in a very expensive city, I'm doing my Masters and plan to do a phd, so we live in a studio (barely big enough for 2 let alone 3) so we are waiting for those things to get sorted out before we start trying.
 
I might also abstain from sexual relationships with other partners until I've had children, but I wonder how many will stick around when the sex stops...
 
teacosy said:
I might also abstain from sexual relationships with other partners until I've had children, but I wonder how many will stick around when the sex stops...
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Whilst some might feel that is an extreme measure, I can understand that feeling - everyone's degree of risk tolerance is different. Perhaps those people won't stick around, but we all have priorities in life and that's ok. However, if your husband is not with you on the abstaining front you will still be at risk, and still have to use condoms with him. So it's not entirely simple.

On the doing a PhD front, if you are planning to go into academia then actually, having the kids between the MA/MSc and the PhD is really not a bad idea. I kind of wish I'd done that because your eligibility for certain early career fellowships starts from your year of submission, and even when programs specifically state that they will take into account time women take out for having kids, it's still publish or die. I've been looking for an opportune moment to take a career break for quite some time, and it completely sucks. But that's a whole other thread discussion! Gaah!
 
Haha thank you for the input from an academic's point of view! I appreciate it! definitely a topic for another thread :)
 
teacosy said:
...I wanted to hear from people who have maybe already crossed these subjects in their relationships, to know how they dealt with it, to hear about people's experience with STI prevention or getting STIs despite following the majority of safe sex rules....
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I guess my point is that if I were repeatedly getting an STI and had only one partner at the moment, I would be very concerned that my partner was not as careful as he says he was. I'm not talking about full body condoms (and actually don't even know what that would be.) Either that or learn more specifically how my particular STI is transmitted because clearly it's coming from your one and only partner at this time. I don't quite understand why you're reluctant to address this aspect of what's going on. It seems like a major factor in your life right now.
 
FallenAngelina said:
I guess my point is that if I were repeatedly getting an STI and had only one partner at the moment, I would be very concerned that my partner was not as careful as he says he was. I'm not talking about full body condoms (and actually don't even know what that would be.) Either that or learn more specifically how my particular STI is transmitted because clearly it's coming from your one and only partner at this time. I don't quite understand why you're reluctant to address this aspect of what's going on. It seems like a major factor in your life right now.
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I understand! But I just have no particular worries with regards to our safe sex practices. This is only the second time I've caught it and since he wasn't systematically treated the first time round there's really no saying whether or not it's him who infected me both times or even if he already had it before I did. I know how it's transmitted so that's not really an issue (the whole body condom thing was a joke but it's true that unless every inch of your body is covered there's always a risk of contamination). I am more concerned about the larger issue of being protective of one's fertility and having multiple partners. I think there's no easy answer to this as either way you have to make compromises, but I just wanted to hear what other people have experienced with regards to this, more as support than anything else, to know I'm not the only one thinking about this (like I say, all the people intimately involved with me or my partner definitely are not thinking about this)
 
We will definitely be reviewing our safe sex practices but no matter how careful we are this is always going to be a more risky lifestyle choice than monogamy (at least monogamy where partners are faithful!) and I want to know other people's perspectives
 
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OK, so, regarding fertility and STIs, there are so many variables. You can collect anecdotal data here, but what really matters is the specific STI you'd be contracting and how it manifests in your specific body. The conventional wisdom obviously is to take as many precautions as you are willing to take so that STIs don't enter into your experience. Someone with one or two partners could be just as vulnerable as someone with ten, depending on the level of precaution and depending on how reliable the partners are (in the precautions they take and in how honest they are about their practices.) Generally speaking, an STI has to be pretty sever to influence fertility, but again, what matters is your life, not statistics and not likelihoods.

Just wanted to also mention that even if your partners are older and have already had their kids, they still need to be just as safe as young folks. The prevalence of STIs among sexually active older people is skyrocketing since so many people "of a certain age" assume that safe sex is something only younger people need - or they don't even think about it at all, which is an education issue.
 
Yes I have heard about that! Luckily our partners are well educated (they have for the most part always been non monogamous so they've always had to think about it). In fact one of them makes her living out of sexuality and sexual health. They're just a lot more relaxed about it so I feel like a drama queen for getting upset about an infection which, apart from the risks to fertility, is pretty benign. Thanks for your outlook on STIs and fertility! It's helpful for me to rationalise things...
 
Hi teacosy,

I wish I could be of more help; I don't have much experience with STI's. Most of my safer sex has been abstinence. I've only ever had two sexual partners in total.

It makes intuitive sense to say that more precautions are needed if you're trying to protect your fertility. But really, how much can you do in addition to the two staples, condoms and regular testing?

TTC with your primary partner later on means sex with him without a condom (while hopefully he's still using a condom with his other partners). No different from what you're already doing but my point is you can't start using condoms with him and continue doing so.

It's always good to be as informed as possible. This forum, Wikipedia, and your doctor can all be helpful sources of information. I know I'm just stating the obvious, but.

Anyway those are some thoughts.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Sometimes when people are aware they think they know everything. If you are afraid to adress your safe sex concerns, it is not good enough. Communication is just as important as practice, and depends on it.
 
Thank you Kevin T for your input :)

And I at no point said I was afraid to address these concerns...I already said despite us being very careful we will certainly be reviewing our safe sex practices and we discuss them regularly, just that this thread wasn't really about that it was more about the fact that in having multiple partners it's always going to be more risky than have one exclusive partner. Like I already said. In fact I'm basically only repeating myself here. What I don't want to talk to my partner about right now, before I have rationalised my emotions, is my fear about this lifestyle and my ability to have children. Safe sex however is something we communicate about regularly.
 
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I'm scared that by risking STIs I will worsen my already rubbish fertility and I wanted to hear from people who might have had similar concerns. Whether or not we'll do things differently is a discussion we'll have when our treatment's finished and I'm feeling less emotional, but as I said in my first post I'm looking to hear other people's experiences. I don't really get the point of your replies, it seems like you're asking questions I've already answered in my other posts..
 
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