She wants him to herself...

castle33

castle33

New member
... And I am going to say NO!

My husband Hamish has been seeing this new girl, Hera. They have fallen head over heels with each other. At first, I was super happy about him finding her.

However, Hera wants nothing to do with me, not even to meet up just to go over some basics. I also found out last night that Hamish has been super vague about being married to me and explaining to her that it's a package deal. Not sexually, but I would at least like to feel as if I exist. I rarely come up in their conversations. Although he spends almost every second that I have with him talking about Hera and her life, problems, little funny things, etc.

It hurt to find this out. I knew she was just learning about poly stuff, but I did not know that her plan was to basically take him from me. I found out last night. She has raised multiple red flags with Hamish, but it seems as if he was so caught up that he ignored them.

All of this is on top of a stressed relationship. We just blew up last night.

New city, new job, no friends, being alone constantly.

So many details to consider. I will post more later. I just had to vent. I am not mad at him or her, more angry with myself for not paying more attention to what he was telling her.

All in all, I feel as if I failed him, he failed her, and we are all three just a bunch of fails...er's???

I know that he and I need to take a break and fix what we have. After all these years I finally know what I want. I want him and I want to work on our life together. With or without someone else.
 
Is it selfish of me to want to fight for my husband? I'm the poly one in the relationship. I thought they were just taking their time getting used to the idea of something possibly working out. After learning that Hera wants nothing to do with me, I've realized that it was bad from the start.

I should have put my foot down and demanded a meeting to avoid all of this. It's been over a month, and each time Hamish has tried to tell Hera I want to meet, she says no.

He spends three or more days a week with her. I have barely seen him at all. At first the break was nice, but it seems to have caught fire and gone wild.

I hate seeing him in pain. I feel as if he misled her. Even if we were thinking about divorcing, she had a right to know my full intentions. Now she is just hurt and confused. Hamish is trying to handle his feelings and decide what he wants. After a few weeks of dating, she is "perfect" in his eyes.

All the while, she did not know what was going on in our home. She wants to possibly meet now, but I don't know how she will take it. I'm fine. I don't plan on doing anything crazy. Honestly, I just want to hug her. If I had a magic wish, I'd make her pain go away.

I was reading the red flag thread, and so many things popped out that we all should have paid attention to. She knew he was married and told him multiple times that it would all end up hurting them. I had no idea she had said these things. She didn't even want him to mention me at all. She fussed at him once for saying "we," as in "My wife and me."

He kept this all from me. He said she just needed time. She did not want time. She wanted him. I feel like folly the fool for not seeing this.
 
I'm still very new to this, but I don't think there is much difference in what constitutes the fundamentals of a relationship: communication, honesty, and openness. This does go on your husband for not nipping this in the bud (in the right way). Of course, this is just based on one side of the story, but if she is only interested in him, and not the whole package, then she is not compatible with what you two are. It is really on him to recognize this and cut it, rather than have you come off as a super-jealous nag.
 
FYI, she doesn't have to meet you if she doesn't want to. I wouldn't see that necessarily as a bad sign. There is no rule in poly that metamours need to meet and get to know each other.

They don't have to talk about you in their private conversations. They have their own relationship.

Just because she wants to keep her relationship with him separate and not meet you does not mean she is trying to steal him away from you (as if you own him). It may just mean she likes her privacy. And "her pain" is not your business to try and make better. You only need to manage your relationship with Hamish, not Hera's.

Your issue isn't with her, anyway. It's with Hamish. He is the one who did not fully explain his situation to her. So, what is he going to do to rectify that error?

As for how they conduct their relationship, I think you are blowing things out of proportion, seeing trouble where there is none. You don't get to control how Hamish and Hera manage their relationship. You can only be in charge of yourself.

He sees her three days a week, so? If you want to see him more often, you have to tell him that. If you don't like hearing what they say or don't say in their private conversations, tell him to stop sharing them with you. I don't know how meeting with her will solve any of the issues you are having with him. Do you have another relationship? If not, maybe you wouldn't be so upset if you did.
 
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It's actually pretty common for metamours to have nothing to do with each other. We have a lot of members on this board in very long-term relationships, where metamours have nothing to do with each other outside of emergencies. It may not be how you and Hamish wish to do polyamory, and that is totally your choice, but that alone doesn't make Hera a bad person, or mean she's trying to steal him away.

Many metamours don't really want to hear about their partner's other partners. Often the excessive use of "we" instead of "I" when talking to a new metamour about a wedded partner can exude a lot of couple privilege, so it's also not weird that she's asked him to talk more about himself as a person, because she is dating him, and not you as a couple, because she is not dating a unit. What else has she done to raise red flags?

Also, if you and Hamish are having issues, most experienced poly people (and counselors) will tell you that is definitely not the time to open your relationship. Him being vague with Hera is an issue. Boundaries are important in any relationship. But, generally poly doesn't involve "fighting" for anyone.

It sounds like you and Hamish might benefit from closing your relationship for a bit, and working with a poly-friendly counselor to re-open at a healthier time, with better boundaries and communication.
 
My husbands have nothing really to do with each other except emergencies and holidays. My children, on the other hand, are very involved with Murf. Neither man wants to hear about the other.

When Butch was dating I had nothing to do with his gfs. I kept my nose out of his other relationships. They had nothing to do with me. I trust Butch to protect my sexual health. Anything else is none of my business.
 
I am not trying to manage their relationship. Apologies if I was not clear. We were searching for someone that would be willing to have a close relationship with both Hamish and me. That is how it has been for years. I had no idea that Hera saw it as me and Hamish breaking up. Yes, we have been having problems, and I now know that we need to work on fixing the marriage before trying to bring anyone in. I told him this today. I'm 100% in. We have a lot of healing to do.

I have never spoken to Hera. I told Hamish when they realized that they liked each other that we needed to meet. I was going into this with the intention of gaining a friend and maybe more. From the get-go, she told him that she wanted a future with him, and nothing poly would ever happen. He did not share this with me. I found out because he asked me to read a text she sent because he did not know how to respond. I then read all of their texts from the start and I was speechless. Many times, Hera told Hamish that this was not going to end well, and they both agreed. But they kept going. She said they should have stopped. Today he told me he let it go too far.

Because I did not meet with Hera in the beginning, it was easy for Hamish to keep her happy while he danced around the truth. All this time, I thought she knew what we were going through. All the thinking, fussing, major life changes that were going on, and she didn't know. She didn't know that we talked about how she made us both think of the future of our marriage.

I thought she was spending time with him to see if she wanted to try and understand our way of loving/living.

We share everything in our relationship, texts, thoughts, everything. Hera didn't know this. She also didn't know that we were still physical. She thought that we were on our last leg. I had no idea that this was how he presented it to her. I just found out last night!

After she called me a part of a "fucking sick love triangle," I knew she was not on board. She was completely shocked. I can't blame her. I always wondered why she didn't want to meet me. It was because she thought Hamish and I were done!

My goal in life is to have a happy all-inclusive poly family. I wasn't expecting it to happen overnight. I did not know that Hamish wasn't being completely open.

Also, I never had a habit of going through his phone. This is the only reason I didn't address this issue before. I like to give him his privacy, but I did not know he was this confused about it all. I take responsibility for all my faults, and he is too, but it doesn't take away the hurt.
 
Some people don't want to know anything about their SO's partners. That works for them, not me. We came into our marriage knowing that we would all be involved. I need to be close with any man or woman my husband will care for. That is a dealbreaker for me and he knows this.

This is the reason I am telling my story today. It just feels good to get it out and not feel like a freak.

Also, I should not have used "stealing" to describe what is going on. She is the sweetest girl and she treats him great. I have no ill feelings toward her. I am sad that she is in the middle of this. It was unkind of me to imply or accuse her of doing so.
 
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Again, I'll recommend a counselor. Polyamory takes open, honest communication. Clearly, Hamish is currently not capable of either, given that he lied to both of you. This is not a recipe for any kind of poly configuration to work. It is definitely a road to huge drama.
 
I agree, and that is what I told him. He is worried about feeling the pain of heartbreak. I explained to him that it's going to happen no matter what in this situation.

I know this is hard, and I will give him all the time he needs to work through it. I said that only he can decide for himself, and that I won't rush him.

We have been to therapy before and it helped. I will be looking into finding a way to get us back on track. We just moved from another country and he has started a new job. We just have so much stress right now. This all happened so fast.
 
castle33 said:
Some people don't want to know anything about their SO's partners. That works for them. not me. We came into our marriage knowing that we would all be involved. I need to be close with any man or woman my husband will care for.
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And what about what Hera wants? Why should you get a say in Hera's relationship with her boyfriend? She didn't go into her relationship agreeing to be involved with you.

Partners like you are the reason a lot poly men have a hell of a time finding poly women willing to date them. I know I wouldn't date your husband knowing I have to play by your rules within my relationship which doesn't involve you.
 
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Yep, my men have nothing to do with each other, and I generally don't have anything to do with my husband's fuck buddies.
 
Sounds like a difficult situation.

Are you sure that you and Hamish are on the same page in looking for somebody who is willing to be close to both of you? It sounds as if Hera is looking for a mono partner and as if Hamish has been at best avoiding making it clear that that isn't what she'll get with him.

I have to confess that having people in my life who are close to me, but have nothing to do with each other, would feel incredibly odd, as would having friends who see me alone and keep me apart from their other friends. The people I tend to form bonds with tend to be sociable people who form long-lasting and strong bonds with others. I am accustomed to knowing and spending time with their friends and loved ones. They tend to spend time with me and with my friends and loved ones when circumstances permit, too.

The notion of having relationships as close as romantic ones and keeping them apart seems very strange to me.

If I had the desire for poly relationships, I would probably feel similarly to you. The loves in my life and the loves in my partners' lives would need to be okay with spending time together regularly and being friendly with each other.

I don't see anything wrong with that as a desire. It just sounds like that isn't exactly what Hamish is communicating.

IP
 
I may be missing something here, but it seems the point is that Hera went into the relationship believing Hamish was leaving Castle. Hera wasn't looking for a poly relationship at all. Hamish, being new to poly, pretty much played Hera. Castle prefers (insists) on an inclusive relationship, so she feels bad about how Hamish treated Hera, whom she had hoped to befriend. This rests solely on Hamish, who is clearly not well-versed in ethical non-monogamy.

Either that, or I missed something.

There is nothing wrong with wanting an inclusive relationship, but I agree it may make it difficult to find like-minded partners. The woman I am currently dating prefers it, but does not insist upon it. She thinks of it as a group of friends. I haven't met any of them yet, but I am sure to run into them eventually. I don't mind at all. My ex insisted on a DADT policy that did not work for me at all.
 
Dagferi said:
And what about what Hera wants? Why should you get a say in Hera's relationship with her boyfriend?

She didn't go into her relationship agreeing to be involved with you.

Partners like you are the reason a lot of poly men have a hell of a time finding poly women willing to date them. I wouldn't date your husband knowing I have to play by your rules within my relationship which doesn't involve you.
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First of all, you are coming off as super rude.

Second, Hamish + me = inclusive. That was our deal. Hera did not know. He led her on. He lied to her.

Hamish is not poly. I am. He is allowed to explore, but he has never done it before now. He fell for Hera, and did not want to tell her the truth. He's thinking about ending our 5-year marriage for a girl he met a few weeks ago that doesn't even know about him. She was under the impression that we were splitting up. We are not, or at least we weren't when he met her on Tinder when we were just looking for new friends in a new town where we knew no one. I was okay with them having sex, but they have feelings now, and it moved too fast for me without all parties knowing exactly what was going on. Things were kept from me and her!!!!!!

This is not what I am about.

I am losing my mind right now.

I only come here to vent and read about people that are tired of being labeled "not normal."
 
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I am not here to coddle you or protect your feelings. You put your story out here and you are going to get honest, sometimes blunt, feedback.

With the additional information you have provided, your husband is behaving like a douche. He is an asshole for 1) not being honest with the gf and 2) not playing by the rules that you two hashed out for yourselves.

People are not experiments that you try out like a new outfit. You do not play with people's emotions and lives. I have a feeling your hubby is looking for an exit strategy out of your marriage.
 
Dagferi said:
I have a feeling your hubby is looking for an exit strategy out of your marriage.
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He has admitted to that and we are working through it now.

I told him I would give him time to figure out what he wants. I plan to do that. Hera has pretty much said that he needs to pick "me or her," and I completely understand where she is coming from.

My main frustration comes from knowing that he is willing to leave me for someone he knows not much about. He keeps saying that she is perfect. They met online the first week of August.
 
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vinsanity0 said:
I may be missing something here, but it seems the point is that Hera went into the relationship believing Hamish was leaving Castle. Hera wasn't looking for a poly relationship at all. Hamish, being new to poly, pretty much played her. Castel prefers (insists) on an inclusive relationship, so she feels bad about how Hamish treated the person she had hoped to befriend. This rests solely on Hamish...

There is nothing wrong with wanting an inclusive relationship, but I agree it may make it difficult to find like-minded partners. The woman I am currently dating prefers it, but does not insist upon it. She thinks of it as a group of friends. I haven't met any of them yet, but I am sure to run into them eventually. I don't mind at all. My ex insisted on a DADT policy that did not work for me at all.
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Yes! This is what is happening. Can you please go into my head and just type my thoughts for me? :eek:
 
I feel badly for your struggles.

It sounds like mistakes are being made on all sides.

You say Hamish isn't polyamorous? Yet you agreed he could date and have sex with others, but he wasn't "allowed to" get infatuated, or fall in love?

Sex often, if not usually, leads to feelings; to bonding with the sex partner; to wanting to spend a lot of time with new sex partner. If Hamish is monogamous, he only loves one person at a time. So, now he seems more interested in Hera than in you, and he is lying to her to increase the bond, telling her he is on his way out of the marriage.

I guess you didn't predict that if he were monogamous, a sexual relationship could lead to him, a mono, falling in love with the new person and feeling less bonded with you.

Meanwhile, you felt that he should pick out a woman who was guaranteed to want to spend time with you, become your good friend, and possibly your lover. However, dating is hard enough. It's hard enough finding a person to love you, much less also fall for your partner. So, he found a woman who wants only him, and isn't interested in you.

Polyamory for couples generally works better if both partners are polyamorous. Mono/poly is more difficult to negotiate.

I can hear you are frustrated and hurt and angry that your husband found a woman who doesn't want to date you both as a couple, or at least become a dear friend of yours. However, as others have said, there is never a guarantee our partner's OSO will have the least interest in meeting the wife, or husband, or bf/gf of their new partner.

I hope Hamish agrees to at least take a break from seeing Hera, and is willing to go to see a poly-friendly therapist with you. And I am glad you came here to vent and clarify your feelings and desired outcome.

It might be better if your mono husband doesn't date at all. But if you veto his relationship with his "perfect" gf now, closing the barn door after the horse is out, you will be the bad guy. He will miss her terribly, and may come to resent you.

If you're poly, are you just seeking women that would be open to becoming good friends or lovers with your husband? Are you just seeking women, or also men to date? Do you have another partner or partners? Are they friends with your husband? What if you met a person who said she was interested in being lovers with your husband, but once things got underway, she decided she wasn't interested in friendship, sex, romance, or love with him? What if you and she fell madly in love? Would you dump her just because she had no interest in Hamish?
 
Also and by the way, reading all his texts/emails to her and hers to him: is she aware you are doing this? If I were her, I'd feel violated having my privacy invaded that way. She has said things meant for him only, and now a 3rd party is reading them! Eek!
 
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