Long Distance

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Gria2004

New member
Parents

I meet this guy and his wife and we have been chatting for some time. I have meet them before and things went well. My parent were out of town for a month so it was easy for me to meet them. They live a hour away. I live by myself but am close to my parents and go to there house once a week. They don't know I have dated Polly before and that this couple is Polly or that I'm started seeing them. I'm going to be 32.

In conversation today he brought up If this gets serious as I expect since you feel how you feel how do we approach your parents, or do you?

I didn't really know what to say as I never thought about it because I meet them when my parents were gone for a while.

I said We will first tell them I meet you and then later when it get more serious tell them but not sure how. His parents know he and his wife are Polly. Not sure how to really handle this because last time I was with a Polly couple I just never told my parents and they thought I was just friends with the wife but it was easier because there in the same town. These guys are a hour away.

Need some help on what say to them if this comes up again or if we get to that point what do I tell my parents we are close? I know I can talk to him as I'm closer to him then her and he is great listen/conversation. But I still need help?
 
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Everyone does it differently. My parents know I'm poly but don't approve so we don't really talk about it. They live thousands of miles away, so it doesn't really affect them. When they came to visit recently, they met my boyfriend and while we weren't as affectionate as usual, we were ourselves. My parents mostly stayed in the other room for the duration of his visit (it's a tiny house - they could be in the other room and still have a conversation with us without having to see us, lol).

Since I know my parents have ethical concerns about poly (very conservative Christians), I just avoid the topic. I've expressed my thoughts/feelings, they've expressed theirs. They know when they come to my home that I am going to be myself and accepting that is necessary to be in my life (and now their grandchild's life). I know that my boyfriend wouldn't be welcome in their home, so if he ever wants to go visit my home state with me, we will be staying elsewhere. Or, more likely nowadays, my parents will suck it up to get more time with the grandbaby. ha

Hubby's mom knows, but his dad doesn't. His mom is super supportive, and when Hubby was dating she would frequently ask him about his girlfriend and how things were going. He and his dad don't really talk, so it's unnecessary to have that conversation.

Boy's parents know, but wholeheartedly disapprove (more religious fun). I will never meet them. Honestly, I don't even know if his family knows he has a girlfriend. It makes me sad since I would love to get to meet his family and see who it was the shaped him into the man I know and love. But it's his choice, and I respect that. I also realize that they probably wouldn't really talk to me at all if we were truthful about my situation. Since I couldn't lie about my husband or child, it's probably better that I don't meet them.

I have a friend who is poly who completely cut out his family because they didn't approve of his relationship structures. I know people whose families cut them off. Most fall in the middle somewhere or just keep in the closet.

So, it's your choice. Do your parents need to know? Do you WANT them to know? How do you think they'll respond? Is it important to this couple that you be able to be "out" or did they just make an assumption?

It's pretty early to be worried about it, though. Take your time and enjoy seeing how the relationship develops before stressing about something like telling family!
 
Hi Gria2004,

I'm inclined to think it's your choice whether you tell your parents about your being poly, and whether you introduce them to this couple you're seeing. Lots of people keep their polyness in the closet, and your parents don't have to know every little thing you do. As far as they need to know, if they ask, you're visiting some friends who live about an hour away.

But, if it's important to you to come out to your parents, I suppose you could do it in two stages:

  • "Mom, Dad ... I'm poly."
  • "Mom, Dad ... I'd like you to meet the couple I'm seeing."
I would keep it simple like that. If your parents have questions, you can just answer them. Depending on how negatively or positively they react, you can make judgment calls on whether to continue the conversation or make the proposed introductions.

What are your parents like? Do you think they'll be accepting?

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
They always seems to surprise me so I don't know. I know he is out to his parents. I think that is why he ask. I like that just visiting Friends. Not a total lie because they are my friends to. You have to be friends with who your with first right? But not sure how I tell them I meet since I meet them online and I know they don't go for that.
 
AlwaysGrowing right now they don't need to know. Just that they are friends if they ask. Not sure if they ever need to know. They might feel better if they know. Not sure. Guess I deal with it when it comes.
 
Hi I meet this couple on a dating site and things went well. I'm really into him and I have main relationship with him but also spend time with him and her. It's all new so I havn't been with her yet or him since we only seen each a few times because of distance. It's only a 1 hour away but with me working nights and him working days it gets hard. We talk ever day phone calls, photos, txting, and maybe even Skype. I met him first back in June and we talked for a week or so then timeing with my ex. He left to let me deal with that. Now in January we picked it up again. Everything seems to be going well but I have never dated anyone long distance before. My parents don't know I date Polly and it never been a problem before.

They have date long distance before and said we could do it since he likes me and him and I are hitting it off well. Only him and I talk on the phone. I'm more then welcome to call his wife but we just don't know each that well. I know like her as a person the few times we hung out. The only thing I see that might get in the way is the distance. Like I said before my parents don't know and being close to them I will be gone about 50% more then before when my schedule free up here. As I talk to my parents every day a see them onces a week this might get tough. They were gone for the whole month of February so it was a lot easier.

Any tips on dating long distance? Any tips about my parents? I'm almost 32 and this should not be a problem but they will start to notice when I choice to spend more free time up there with them or them down here with me. I'm not ready to come out to them. And he is out to his parents and is close to them as I am with mine. Any advice would be nice.
 
Why not just tell your parents you are dating someone, and leave it at that? You are technically only dating him, and not her. If your parents ask to meet him, then either tell them you're not ready for that yet, or to mind their own business. At 32, you shouldn't have to account for your movements like a child.
 
As I recall, you are 32. I'm not sure that I understand why you're as focused as you are on what your parents think and how much they need to know about your dating life.
 
Re (from Gria2004):
"But not sure how I tell them I met since I met them online and I know they don't go for that."
Click to expand...

Simpler might be better, such as, "I met them online." Heck, you can meet people in a chatroom right?

Staying in the closet does mean you evade the direct truth, so I can understand how that might make you uncomfortable. But it can be done, people do it every day. (Myself included.)
 
Gria2004 said:
AlwaysGrowing right now they don't need to know. Just that they are friends if they ask. Not sure if they ever need to know. They might feel better if they know. Not sure. Guess I deal with it when it comes.
Click to expand...

I'd definitely wait for now. If it gets truly serious, broach it then, if you want to. I am not sure why your parents would "feel better" if they knew you were dating the couple you were hanging out with? Or, why they even need to know who you hang out with when you're not with them, where, how often, etc.? Do your parents know you're bi (if not, could come out to them with that, first)?

Triads are notoriously unstable, though there are certainly successful ones; but, take it slow and give it plenty of time to develop, and this includes telling your parents, unless you feel you need the as a support network if things go downhill.
 
Hi Gria2004,

If your parents ask, I would just tell them I was visiting a couple of friends. Why, would they press you for a lot more information? If so, I would tell them it's personal and leave it at that.

As far as the hour drive is concerned, maybe you could take turns driving to each other's houses? It seems to me that your conflicting work schedules pose more of a problem than the distance.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 They would ask lot more because they are noisy people and try to know everything. The and I all talked about it this morning and have it worked out. Just not sure telling them they are my friends and I meet them here will be enough. They will ask a million questions and won't like the idea I go visit a hour away go.
 
FallenAngelina Because when I'm home less and busy more with them here they know somethings up. They are noisy people who try to know everything g about my life and won't like the idea of me going a hour to see them. They will try to make feel about it or whatever they try.
 
Do you live with your parents? If not, tell them you joined a drama class, or are taking cooking lessons, or are dating someone.

Sarge lives an hour away. I love the drive there. I plug in my music, and get an hour of quiet time!
 
Boundaries. You're 32 years old and don't live at home. It's time to set adult boundaries with your parents.
 
Yeah, memorize these lines ... "Sorry Mom and Dad, that's personal." Then commit to repeating it a million times if you have to.
 
Seems obvious to me that you need to grow up and act like the adult you are when you're dealing with your parents. I can't believe someone your age is even asking these questions and worried about what your parents think simply because you drive an hour (that's nothing) to see someone. I mean, seriously? WTF. Why do you allow them to treat you like you're 12 yrs old? You are 32 and don't owe your parents any explanations. Your life is none of their business. Jeez, it's time you accept the responsibilities that being an adult entails and learn how to say no. Your parents aren't parenting you anymore - nor should they!
 
An hour? Heavens! When I lived in Minneapolis, a few miles south of downtown, I worked in the furthest northwest suburb. On a date night with one lover, I drove 26 miles home, changed clothes, then drove to the far southeast 'burb, another 21 miles. With all the twisty/curvy local roads, & random traffic, that was like 75 minutes on average... & we still had to get to the restaurant or theater or whatever. Hardly the biggest urban sprawl in the country (like 20th or something). Open a Pepsi, crank up the tunes, & an hour is nothing, especially with a special person at the destination.

Lining up your schedules might be a challenge, at least at first. You maybe don't have a problem staying up until sunrise. Many first-shift people aren't very good at staying awake late &, if they do, sometimes aren't able to "catch up" the lost hours even if it's possible to sleep late.

Your relationship with your parents sounds like another issue (or bunch of issues) entirely. I left for college at 19, & was pretty happy being on my own & 350 miles from family, a situation pretty much opposite from yours. ;) Unless they are in some way your designated guardians, or somehow supporting you, it's your decision how much you let them shape your life.
 
Ellamenopea No I don't love at home.

Thanks ever one ever if I say it personal or I'm in a class some were they will still want to know. Mom came to my place one day because I left my phone home when I went to neighbors thought something was wrong freaked it. She called back if I don't the answer phone. It's getting stressful. They says things like better not of meet someone online.

For onces a relationship that is working out and I'm just glowing with happiness. Everything around me just seem to feel better and the crappy things seem less crappy.
 
Just because a parent WANTS to know all details of your personal life does not mean they have a RIGHT to know.

You are just going to have to learn how to stand up for yourself and say, "It's none of your business," if you want to live your own life as you see fit.

And I would never call only an hour commute "long distance."
 
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