Polyamory more or less stable than monogamy?

K

Knickers

New member
Hi all,

I'm just curious on your thoughts about stability (in terms of successful long term commitments) in polyamorous relationships vs monogamous relationships?

Coming from a marriage that was riddled with infidelity (from both sides) over its 13 year span, we decided polyamory was the right course of action for us since we still loved each other dearly but couldn't take the heartbreak and betrayal of anymore cheating. So far, after about 8 months, there have been a few bumps along the way in navigating this new way/discarding old mono ways of thinking.... But honestly, it has been much much more of a positive experience than negative.

I know the statistics on percentages of traditional mono marriages ending in divorce are high and the statistics on cheating in what are supposed to be mono relationships is also very high - so not very stable, right?

I had a conversation with my husband last night where we disagreed on our relationship being less vs more stable now that we are polyamorous. I'm sure you can tell where I stand on the issue. His thinking is that before, when we were attempting monogamy unsuccessfully, he was not seeking out emotional connections with people (he says he was actively not letting people get close to him)- so it was just sex. Of course, he could have "accidentally" fallen in love with someone during the cheating, and then he would have had to choose between me and this new love. But that didn't happen.

He feels that now that we are actively searching for more partners to love that it is more likely that our relationship will end in the long term because we are now more likely to find someone who we might decide we want to spend all (or the majority) of our time with. I guess this COULD be true, but for me, I can't imagine my life without my husband, and I am not trying to replace him.... I just really believe I have enough love to go around to more than one romantic partner. Does it sound like he doesn't really believe that polyamory is possible (OR is feeling insecure in our relationship) or am I the one who is being unrealistic about polyamory?
 
It's not the relationship structure that makes it stable or healthy, it's the people. Can the people involved do relationships well? That's all that needs to be asked. If you are actively invested in being a good partner, and your husband is too, the relationship will be satisfying and nurturing for both of you. Less investment, maybe not. A relationship isn't an entity unto itself, it will always depend on the people in it to have it work well or not.
 
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Relationships are super complex and what works for one does not always work for the other. I have seen super strong mono couples but like the PP said it's the people in it that will make or break it regardless if it's mono or poly.

That being said I am more comfortable being poly. My marriage thrives when we are actively poly. We make sure to give each other the correct attention and love.
 
I hate that you and your husband are struggling so badly with polyamory. It's not an easy choice to begin with. I've only been part of a successful poly relationship for a very short period of time. It takes time, open communication and lots of trust and it sounds to me like that may be your main issue. Did you work on trust before decided to go poly or was that never mentioned? That and communication were our 2 biggest problems and caused some major turmoil. Just a thought...
 
I don't feel like polyamory has affected the stability of my *marriage* one way or another - but overall my relationship situation feels less stable, because I've had other relationships come and go.

Some of the short duration of these other relationships was poly-related (I have a hard time in relationships where I don't get lots of face time) but most of it was just the normal "not every relationship works long term" stuff.

So even though my relationship with my husband hums along steady as ever, there is much more relationship-related change and upheaval than when we were monogamous.
 
MellyFaun83 said:
I hate that you and your husband are struggling so badly with polyamory. It's not an easy choice to begin with. I've only been part of a successful poly relationship for a very short period of time. It takes time, open communication and lots of trust and it sounds to me like that may be your main issue. Did you work on trust before decided to go poly or was that never mentioned? That and communication were our 2 biggest problems and caused some major turmoil. Just a thought...
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Oh wow, I think you misunderstood my post - we are not struggling badly with polyamory - we were struggling badly with monogamy! My husband wasn't saying our relationship felt less stable at this moment - he agrees that it feels very strong right now. We have spent a lot of time building back trust in our relationship. This was a theoretical conversation about which relationship structure was more stable in the long run.

I totally agree with one of the other responses that it is the people in the relationship that ultimately make it stable. I guess for me though, the change in our relationship structure has been such an overall positive thing for us that its hard for me to not feel like our relationship is more stable because of it. Now that we have a polyamorous arrangement we communicate so much more and are very focused on being honest with each other even when it is difficult. We have become so much closer and are way more actively invested in being good partners to each other.

I guess there are too many factors in play to say one relationship structure is more stable than another in any general terms. Thanks for your responses everyone!
 
IMO, polyamory is less stable, by definition.

But polyfolk (largely?) accept that this is so, & learn how to deal with it.

In the long run, this means that poly is flexible AND doesn't need to bury resentments.

Well, that's how the theory goes, anyway. ;)
 
Knickers said:
He feels that now that we are actively searching for more partners to love that it is more likely that our relationship will end in the long term because we are now more likely to find someone who we might decide we want to spend all (or the majority) of our time with. I guess this COULD be true, but for me, I can't imagine my life without my husband, and I am not trying to replace him.... I just really believe I have enough love to go around to more than one romantic partner. Does it sound like he doesn't really believe that polyamory is possible (OR is feeling insecure in our relationship) or am I the one who is being unrealistic about polyamory?
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This sounds to me that he isn't really looking at this from a polyamory point of view, but from a (serial) monogamy point of view - the whole point of poly is that there's no need to move on from working relationships and therefore no reason for an existing relationship to end if a new love comes along...
 
learner said:
This sounds to me that he isn't really looking at this from a polyamory point of view, but from a (serial) monogamy point of view - the whole point of poly is that there's no need to move on from working relationships and therefore no reason for an existing relationship to end if a new love comes along...
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I agree with this. In reading your OP, Knickers, it struck me that you have a better grasp of polyamory than your husband. Since you write that your "marriage [] was riddled with infidelity (from both sides)" and that "he says he was actively not letting people get close to him", I wonder if his reason for a move to polyamory might have been: "Well, the fidelity rule is causing some strain here, so let's just throw that rule out the window."

If there's any chance of his feeling being "the fidelity rule was causing some strain with Knickers: I just need to find someone to whom I could be faithful", you should deal with this issue.

To return to your question as a purely sociological one: is poly more stable than mono, I agree that the personalities of the people involved is much more important than whether the relationship is poly or mono. e.g. A person whose stance is "it's alright for me to cheat, but if I ever catch her/him cheating...!" is as likely to cheat in a poly relationship as in a mono one.

There is another factor to your question which is ambiguous. If A and B are a mono couple who "love each other dearly" and decide to go poly, adding C and D to their relationship, does your question mean

a) "Is the partnership A+B more likely to be stable after the move to poly than it would have been if they had remained mono?" ? or

b) "Is the relationship A+B+C+D more stable than the relationship A+B would have been if they had remained mono?" ?

Given a history of infidelity, I would guess that - the stress and guilt of infidelity having been removed - the answer to a) would be "yes". The answer to b) is much more doubtful.

Just my 2 beans.
 
MrFarFromRight said:
There is another factor to your question which is ambiguous. If A and B are a mono couple who "love each other dearly" and decide to go poly, adding C and D to their relationship, does your question mean

a) "Is the partnership A+B more likely to be stable after the move to poly than it would have been if they had remained mono?" ? or

b) "Is the relationship A+B+C+D more stable than the relationship A+B would have been if they had remained mono?"
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These are good questions. What actually is meant by a poly relationship being stable? Do you consider all the participants or just the "core couple" or "core group"?

Reading these forums, especially the life stories and blogs -section, you will find that in many poly groupings there is some sort of change quite so often. Someone in the core group finds a new partner, and it affects the dynamic more or less between all the members of the group. Also, a break-up somewhere in a poly tangle is likely to affect many things.

I have come to accept this as a part of my poly life. Stability in a poly partnership means often "ability to adjust to constant changes".
 
Clarification:
MrFarFromRight said:
b) "Is the relationship A+B+C+D more stable than the relationship A+B would have been if they had remained mono?" ?

Given a history of infidelity, I would guess that - the stress and guilt of infidelity having been removed - the answer to a) would be "yes". The answer to b) is much more doubtful.
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I did not mean by this: The answer to b) is "much more doubtful"! I meant that it's much harder to answer the question.
 
I'll answer with an anecdote of sorts.

When I was with my married, poly BF, he mentioned multiple dramas:

A woman going off on his wife and causing a huge scene at a restaurant one night when they got together with another couple.

Another woman going off on his wife and saying 'terrible things' about her.

Women (multiple women) getting angry at him over the years on his virtual gaming site, multiple women trying to hurt him there.

An AIDS scare.

Never being able to really kiss a woman, due to safe sex issues.

Lying to his family about how he really lives.

They both lie to his family and anyone not in their poly world about why his wife doesn't work. They claim she stays home to pursue her avocation, when in truth, there is zero evidence that any such avocation exists (having been in their home mulltiple times) while there's plenty of evidence that she actually spends all day every day on line looking for more men, going to meet up groups, going to munches, and getting together with partners.

His wife has had multiple scares with partners who didn't want to listen when she said things were going too far. I get the impression there's been at least one who didn't stop.

He is fearful that he can't continue his job much longer, and she has spent at least a decade pursuing multiple partners instead of living a life that allows her to help him.

They have financial trouble (despite his very good income) because of the money they spend on dating, traveling to meet people, hotels, eating out, makeup, clothes, etc--a lot of which relates directly to dating.

He lost me because of his wife's jealousy, insecurity, and silent veto behavior--which he then lied to me about.

There was a 19-month upheaval in his life as he tried to hang onto me, kept trying to wiggle back into my life, while continuing to deny the obvious. I doubt that was good for him. I know it wasn't. I'd guess it wasn't great for her, either, him being so unhappy at home.

He ended up quitting the arts group we were in together, which was a MAJOR positive thing in his life. He had real friends there, he was essential to the group, we were a huge boost to his art. He lost that because of his and his wife's decisions. He's hurt the group and everyone in it, too, by his decisions.

He continues to live a life harder than it has to be because he chooses a wife who's more interested in seeking out new partners than in helping him in life. She's living off him.

He then seeks out other women (like me) to have sympathy for him and give him all the emotional support and attention his wife doesn't, while making it clear his wife, who lives off him, is going to get more from him than these outside women who are actually giving to him, more like a loving wife.

These women end up hurt and feeling used, more often than not, and he ends up with more heartbreak himself as they dump him and 'say terrible things' about his wife, and he once again loses someone he's fallen in love with.

By contrast, I have virtually none of these problems. The biggest drama in my life has been my experience with him.

CLEARLY this is THEM in particular, in addition to their poly lifestyle. I am well aware that not every poly group has so many issues. Yet I do see a lot of drama with the constantly merry-go-round of partners and NRE and breakups. I do see see poly women who are quite upfront about not wanting their husbands/boyfriends to have feelings for anyone else, and I see poly women who claim they're fine with full poly yet have an issue with every single metamour.

NYCindie is right that in many ways it comes down to the individual people. Monogamy of course has it's problems, because we as human beings all have our own problems and issues. But I think multiple partners opens the doors to exponentially more problems from this flawed human race.

I think poly by definition is more unstable for most people, with the revolving doors of partners and personalities, the coming and going that is typical, the highs and lows of NRE and breakups, etc.
 
MrFarFromRight said:
I agree with this. In reading your OP, Knickers, it struck me that you have a better grasp of polyamory than your husband. Since you write that your "marriage [] was riddled with infidelity (from both sides)" and that "he says he was actively not letting people get close to him", I wonder if his reason for a move to polyamory might have been: "Well, the fidelity rule is causing some strain here, so let's just throw that rule out the window."

If there's any chance of his feeling being "the fidelity rule was causing some strain with Knickers: I just need to find someone to whom I could be faithful", you should deal with this issue.

To return to your question as a purely sociological one: is poly more stable than mono, I agree that the personalities of the people involved is much more important than whether the relationship is poly or mono. e.g. A person whose stance is "it's alright for me to cheat, but if I ever catch her/him cheating...!" is as likely to cheat in a poly relationship as in a mono one.

There is another factor to your question which is ambiguous. If A and B are a mono couple who "love each other dearly" and decide to go poly, adding C and D to their relationship, does your question mean

a) "Is the partnership A+B more likely to be stable after the move to poly than it would have been if they had remained mono?" ? or

b) "Is the relationship A+B+C+D more stable than the relationship A+B would have been if they had remained mono?" ?

Given a history of infidelity, I would guess that - the stress and guilt of infidelity having been removed - the answer to a) would be "yes". The answer to b) is much more doubtful.

Just my 2 beans.
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Thanks for your response. During our original conversation, I brought up the idea that what he was saying about the instability of polyamory sounded more like serial monogamy and he agreed. I think he does understand and grasp polyamory. His main point was that the chances of finding a "game changer" type relationship that made you question all your other relationships is more likely to come along if you are actively looking for connections with other people.

My husband's insecurities tend to revolve around fear of replacement. I don't believe that he is looking for someone to whom he thinks he could be faithful. I think my prior history before we met makes him nervous about me since I did have a long history of serial monogamy. All I can do is continue to reassure him with words and actions that I have no intention of trying to replace him.

For the sake of this argument, yes, we were referring to our relationship (A+B) being more or less stable with poly. The stress and guilt of infidelity being replaced by honesty has been amazingly beneficial for us. That and not needing to replace your current partner when you fall in love with someone else is what makes polyamory seem more stable to me.
 
learner said:
This sounds to me that he isn't really looking at this from a polyamory point of view, but from a (serial) monogamy point of view - the whole point of poly is that there's no need to move on from working relationships and therefore no reason for an existing relationship to end if a new love comes along...
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Oh, really? Are you the poly police? :rolleyes:

There is no such thing as "the whole point of poly" - there isn't one uniform blueprint to be followed. All polyamory means is the practice or desire to engage in loving relationships with more than one person, as long as all parties know and consent. That's it. Everyone has their own reason for entering into poly arrangements, so the OP's and her hubby's "whole point" can be widely different from yours. And that's okay!

I wonder why so many responses here seem to be turning things around to say that the OP's marriage is in trouble. A lot of doomsaying going on! When I read the initial post, I didn't see it that way. I took it to mean they were talking theoretically about what is possible.
 
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Nadya said:
These are good questions. What actually is meant by a poly relationship being stable? Do you consider all the participants or just the "core couple" or "core group"?

Reading these forums, especially the life stories and blogs -section, you will find that in many poly groupings there is some sort of change quite so often. Someone in the core group finds a new partner, and it affects the dynamic more or less between all the members of the group. Also, a break-up somewhere in a poly tangle is likely to affect many things.

I have come to accept this as a part of my poly life. Stability in a poly partnership means often "ability to adjust to constant changes".
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Yes, this conversation was regarding the "core couple" as you refer to it. We are starting this journey from the perspective of a married couple (who made a lifelong commitment to each other) with kids, whose lives are just about as entangled as possible. I know that hierarchical poly is pretty unpopular around here but I would be lying if I said that I didn't place more importance on keeping my relationship with my husband thriving and our family intact. It doesn't mean the other loves in our lives aren't important. It doesn't mean that we treat others as disposable. We are both trying to meet the needs of all involved while keeping our "core relationship" as healthy as possible. We have been lucky to find partners who are in the same situation as us, so our time expectations are aligned.

I do like what you said a lot about stability in a poly partnership meaning the "ability to adjust to constant change". It is so true - best to try and be like the willow and be able to bend and sway to the winds of life. I think this flexibility is an important quality to possess in life in general.
 
nycindie said:
Oh, really? Are you the poly police? :rolleyes:

There is no such thing as "the whole point of poly" - there isn't one uniform blueprint to be followed. All polyamory means is the practice or desire to engage in loving relationships with more than one person, as long as all parties know and consent. That's it. Everyone has their own reason for entering into poly arrangements, so the OP's and her hubby's "whole point" can be widely different from yours. And that's okay!

I wonder why so many responses here seem to be turning things around to say that the OP's marriage is in trouble. A lot of doomsaying going on! When I read the initial post, I didn't see it that way. I took it to me they were talking theoretically about what is possible.
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Thanks for your post. I'm glad you were able to get at what I was trying to say.
 
Just as an optional view point..

Poly can be very stable.

I have been with Butch for 15 years Murf 4 years.

My life is boring. There's no ebb and flow of new partners. No upheaval. No hiding or lying. Yes I do live seperately with each partner. One doesn't come before the other. I am economically intertwined with each.
 
I want to add something to ponder about with being poly and stable or mono and stable.

Do we not have friends also. Deep friends that we love? Maybe we don't sleep with these friends but is that the only difference. I have one friend. We are sort of like a bad married couple. She is crazy we fight, break up, and get back together but always excepting the other for who they are. But we have not had sex. If sex were thrown in the mix would it change things? That is the mind set of if poly is more stable than mono maybe?? Sex??
 
nycindie said:
Oh, really? Are you the poly police? :rolleyes:

There is no such thing as "the whole point of poly" - there isn't one uniform blueprint to be followed. All polyamory means is the practice or desire to engage in loving relationships with more than one person, as long as all parties know and consent. That's it. Everyone has their own reason for entering into poly arrangements, so the OP's and her hubby's "whole point" can be widely different from yours. And that's okay!

I wonder why so many responses here seem to be turning things around to say that the OP's marriage is in trouble. A lot of doomsaying going on! When I read the initial post, I didn't see it that way. I took it to mean they were talking theoretically about what is possible.
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I'll be kind and assume this came out harsher than intended...

Adding poly to a previously monogamous relationship can go in any number of ways... it can magnify existing issues, it can add new challenges from new relationships, it can improve openness and communication - which way it goes is up to the mindset and motivations of the couple in question. There's certainly no reason it should hurt an otherwise good relationship where both parties are committed to taking the relationship forwards :)
 
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