Okcupid: Does it work?

B

Bimale9006

New member
So I am trying Okcupid. It doesn't seem to be working for me. I have only been on for about a week. No one seems to want to talk to me. Even if they 'liked' my profile. How do I make it work a bit better? Any advice would help.
 
Yes, it can work. I met 2/3 of my current guys via OkCupid.

As for advice (which may be out of date as it's been a while since I used the site), assuming that your profile is already carefully written:

Answer questions, lots of questions. Give your "acceptable answers" the correct weight so the algorithm has something to work with, then answer some more questions. Remember that the acceptability thing is about how much of a dealbreaker the other person's answer is, not about how similar their answer is to yours or how important you think your answer is.

Once you've done that, make small edits to your profile every couple of days. That will make you show up where people can see you without doing a search.
 
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I've met plenty of guys on there and gone on many dates. My latest ex boyfriend found me on OKcupid.
 
Hi there,
I added some relevant tags to your thread. You will see them at the bottom. Click on the "online dating" one and it will bring you to a page of threads with the same tag. There are quite a lot of good long threads on the subject, with great advice. Check out the thread started by Endicott, it's a goody. The "meeting people" tag will bring you to a page of threads with other ways to meet people as well as online dating. Hope this helps!
 
Besides the great advice to read the threads we have on this subject, I recommend that you share your profile page with us here or ask someone for a critique. Usually when OKC is "not working," it's because you're not advertising what you think you're advertising. Make sure that your profile conveys who you are and what you're looking for. My experience is that most people have no idea that they are coming off in a few negative ways, which can easily be fixed when you gather impressions of OKC experienced people who will give you honest feedback. A lot of us here are have that experience and are happy to offer feedback.

The number one error that I see men making (I assume that you're a bisexual male) when seeking women is that they do not post a smiling, in focus photo. Perhaps these men think that it's more masculine not to smile, but to a woman it just looks scary. Make sure that you have at least 4 photos of you looking pleasant and happy, one of which should be a full body shot. No shirtless bathroom selfies. This shot likely appeals to men seeking men, but it is largely a turnoff to women. So decided to whom you're pitching your profile. When it comes to viewing prospective partners, what men want to see and what women find appealing are often two very different things.

My second bit of general advice is to have some humor on your profile page. Women (generally) love humor and it signals that you're a safe, approachable, thoughtful person. A little humor on a profile page will go a very long way in opening doors.

Third, make sure that your page is indeed filled out. Don't just answer questions like you're a school boy fulfilling as assignment, really write responses that show you're a thoughtful, mature, interesting person who is serious about meeting others. I'm constantly shocked by how many men have little in their profile but "Ask me anything" and wonder why they get no response to their messages.
 
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Well, you can just copy and paste it here. Then that won't give away your username at OKC. This site is searchable by Google, so any privacy you want at OKC could be compromised if you give us your OKC username here.
 
About
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Questions
Personality
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I’m looking for
Women
Ages 19-34
Near me
For long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex
My details
Orientation
Bisexual
Ethnicity
White
Status
Single
Relationship Type
Non-monogamous
Height
5' 5" (1.65m)
Body Type
Overweight
Diet
Omnivore
Smoking
Yes
Drinking
Often
Drugs
Sometimes
Religion
Other and laughing about it
Sign
Gemini
Education
Dropped out of High school
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids but might want them
Pets
Has cats
Speaks
English
My self-summary
I am a polyamorous single male. You do not have to be poly, I will still be interested. I am bisexual with a preference to women. I am a bit shy with new people and approaching said people for a romantic/sexual relationships. And yes I realized how bad my profile name sounds. But not until after I confirmed.
What I’m doing with my life
I am currently living with my mother and stepfather until I can get out on my own. Or get a room mate to move in with. Trying to find new friends, lovers, etc.
I’m really good at
Writing and reading.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Inheiritence Cycle, Charmed, Walking Dead, Sleepy Hallow, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Fear the Walking Dead, Buffy, Angel, Gargoyles.... I could go on for a while with this one. In short, fantasy, sci-fi, and comedies.
The six things I could never do without
My cat Arya.
Family.
Friends.
Freedom
Bacon
Sex
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Random crap that might not be important. How I can rid the 'news' channels of sports stories. Oh look...a penny.
On a typical Friday night I am
At home or a bar. But mostly home watching stuff on Netflix or playing video games.
You should message me if
If you want to be friends, lovers, etc with me. One does not mean the other. But neither are the mutually exclusive.
 
First... yes, OKC can work. I met my boyfriend there.

Second... your profile. I need to figure out where to start with this. I am going to be completely, bluntly honest. If I say something that hurts your feelings, I apologize in advance, but I'm not going to pull punches.

You show NO personality. You state facts, but nothing that gives me any sense whatsoever of who you are as a person. The actual data things are fine; a lot of those are drop-downs or multiple choice. I'm talking about the parts where you had to actually write things.

Your self summary is like your first contact with someone at, say, a party. You don't want to just walk up and say "Hi, I'm Bimale and I'm looking for X and Y, and I know my name sounds bad."

First of all, avoid anything negative about yourself at all. (Like "I know my name sounds bad.") You're calling attention to something negative, and that's going to make most people reject you right off the bat. You mention approaching someone for a romantic or sexual relationship, and that makes it sound like that is the only reason you're there. People are going to ignore you because they'll figure you're going to start hitting on them right off the bat.

As a (long) example, here's my self-summary, with my username redacted:
A brief word...Names are an interesting thing. Sometimes the good ones are already taken. That was the case with the name I use on a different site. So to at least keep the same initials, Confused(redacted) it is. But the only thing I'm really confused about is choosing a name. Otherwise, I know who I am and what I want, as long as I don't have to choose between chocolate and ice cream.

I'm married and polyamorous. I say this near the beginning in the hope that people will actually read it and realize I'm not looking for someone to be my one and only. I met the man who became my husband on the aforementioned other site, and about a year later my offspring and I relocated. Since then, I've met my other partner here on OKC. Both of them are pretty amazing.

But there's room for additional amazing people in my life, either as friends--with or without benefits--or possibly additional partners, though that isn't necessarily what I'm looking for. Then again, I said the exact same thing just before I met my boyfriend...You never know what's going to happen. That's the best part!

Mostly, I'm hoping to find people I "click" with, someone with whom I can have long rambling conversations that don't get awkward, and can enjoy spending time with either out and about or having a night of couch-potato-ness. If you're cuddly, that's a bonus. I'm not entirely a geek, but I skew in that direction. Though I confess I'd never seen Princess Bride until this spring, so apparently that knocked down my geek street cred a bit.

My husband isn't poly, but he knows everything about my life. My boyfriend *is* poly, and also knows everything about my life. Don't let that scare you. They're both like the planet Earth: mostly harmless. (Additional bonus if you get the reference.) But if you and I click and decide to meet, they'll hear about you, and if we click *when* we meet and something develops between us, I'll probably ask that you meet them. Not a requirement. Just a preference.

Intelligence is sexy. So is honesty, especially with one's partners. I'm hoping to find people who have both qualities.
Click to expand...
 
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So looking at mine as an example:

Right off the bat, I give you my "voice." I'm writing similarly to how I'd talk to you if I met you at a party. I'm using humor, because that's one of my things. I still say what my relationship status is, that I'm poly, and what I'm looking for, but not like a laundry list and not like I'm apologizing.

Also... note that I mention my username in the first paragraph. I didn't apologize for it. I didn't say it's a name that's gotten me some unfortunate reactions, though it has. I explain it--with humor.

So, your original:
My self-summary
I am a polyamorous single male. You do not have to be poly, I will still be interested. I am bisexual with a preference to women. I am a bit shy with new people and approaching said people for a romantic/sexual relationships. And yes I realized how bad my profile name sounds. But not until after I confirmed.
Click to expand...

Okay. You don't need to say you're a single male; you already said it in the listy bit. Likewise, you say in the listy bit that you're bi. Those things don't even need to be there.

A variation (feel free to use, ignore, whatever... and you might get better ideas from others here):
Wow... there are a lot of people here! I'm shy with new people. That means I might not approach you with a message even if I'm interested. But I like *meeting* new people, so if you message me, I'll answer!
The big thing to know about me is I'm single and polyamorous, which means I don't have a committed partner right now, but I'm inclined to have more than one partner. You don't have to be polyamorous for me to be interested, but if we connect, you'll need to be okay with the idea of me having other partners. Naturally everyone would know what's going on. I don't keep secrets. I'm open to dating men or women, though I lean more toward women.
In addition to being shy, I kind of stink at picking out usernames. You might have noticed that. I didn't until after I confirmed it.
 
Bimale9006 said:
I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Random crap that might not be important......
On a typical Friday night I am:
At home or a bar. But mostly home watching stuff on Netflix or playing video games.
You should message me if:
If you want to be friends, lovers, etc with me.
Click to expand...

Yeah, there are a number of aspects in your in your basic stats that would raise red flags, especially for women, but this part is just all kinds of wrong. I won't pick it apart word by word (unless you'd like even more pointed feedback) but there is nothing here that would add to a woman's life. The profile page isn't to give a list of facts about yourself so much as to convey your personality and your values. Right now, your profile page says "I am bored and don't really know where I'm going. I'm up for fucking just about anyone."

I'll tell you a (not so) secret about women: we don't judge men on looks nearly so much as we respond to personality, conversation and humor. That's pretty much all it takes to connect with women and there is none of that in your profile right now. I'm not saying that you lack personality, conversation and humor, but right now your profile advertises you as a guy with literally nothing to offer a woman but a penis.

Pretty much every guy "can't do without" sex, so one way to stand out is to omit this. Same with "friends" and "family." Those are givens and everybody lists them. Again, your profile page is your opportunity to show personality, creativity and humor so instead of listing actual must-haves, create a list that says something about who you are and reveals a sense of humor. "Early morning ice cream cones" is one of my items and it might not be the wittiest item, but it's kinda true and says a lot more about me than saying "my kids" like every other parent.

In the "TV, movies and books" section, instead of giving a list of titles (again, like 99% of people do) try giving specific examples and say a bit about why you like it. Below is what I say in that section. It conveys my formative era and some of my personality. The reader may or may not respond to what I say, but this gives him an idea of who I am much more than just a list of titles. You don't have to do it my way, of course, but you do have to do more than just list things if you want to be appealing in writing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

“No such thing as spare time,
No such thing as free time,
No such thing as down time,
All you got is life time…
Go!”
~ Henry Rollins: "Shine"

Bill Withers needs to elevate up from the footnotes of music history. That guy was pure aural sex.
♫ "I wanna spread the news, that if it feels this good gettin' used..." ♫♫

Brian Wilson is the purest human transistor of celestial sound since Mozart.



So happy that I'm alive during this Golden Age of TV - that's where all of the most intriguing and creative visual entertainment is right now:
Hell on Wheels on AMC (Google it - probably not what you're thinking.)
Peaky Blinders on Netflix streaming
Transparent on Amazon Prime
Outlander is a thoroughly engaging surprise from Starz.
Vikings on the History channel. OMG, Vikings!!!!



(No long list of erudite books from me. Too long. Too erudite. Too wanky. Of no interest to anyone, I am sure.)
--------------------------------------------------------------




Yes, I include that bit about long lists of books being wanky. The reader may or may not think it's funny (or even true) but it gives him an idea of who I am: someone who either doesn't read books at all or reads so many books that I don't want to be a wanky braggart. Either way, it's obvious that I have a sense of humor, that I'm aware that I live around a lot of wanky book lists (NYC) and that I can write well enough to use wanky in a sentence properly. He may or may not respond, but he knows a lot more about me than were I simply to write out a wanky book list.
 
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Your next bit:
What I’m doing with my life
I am currently living with my mother and stepfather until I can get out on my own. Or get a room mate to move in with. Trying to find new friends, lovers, etc.
Click to expand...

No. Dude, just NO! Where do I start...First of all, mentioning that you're trying to get out on your own or find a roommate, immediately followed by trying to find new friends and lovers, might give some people the impression that you're on OKC to find someone you can move in with. That would be a major turn off if they got past your first paragraph.

Second, unless your entire life is based around who you live with, I would leave that out. To me, it implies you're either really, really young, or you've got some kind of issues that force you to live with your parents.

This is another place where people want to know *who you are*.

Okay, here's mine:
Writing books, practicing incessantly for a monthly karaoke night near me (yes, I practice for karaoke), cleaning my house, and trying to convince my cats that pictures on the wall are not toys. Trying to adjust to the fact that I am now parenting two adults...(my offspring, not my husband and boyfriend. Though sometimes I wonder.) I also recently started a holistic wellness business.
Click to expand...

Again, I use humor. I tell people what I do for work, that I sing and enjoy karaoke, that I have cats and offspring as well as a husband and boyfriend. I show my personality, I don't just list things.

So yours. I don't know if you have a job, since you don't mention it, so I'll leave out that bit. How about:
What I'm doing with my life... Constantly seeking to improve it. Finding new living arrangements. New friends. New lovers, if I'm fortunate. Life is about change and new starts, and it's a process.
 
And the rest of your profile:

I’m really good at
Writing and reading.
Click to expand...
Um... how can I put this kindly? Your profile does not show that you're good at writing. Aside from that, surely there are other things you're good at. "I'm good at standing in corners at parties holding up walls." (references your first bit in which you say you're shy.) "I'm good at laughing even when I don't get the joke." That kind of thing.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Inheiritence Cycle, Charmed, Walking Dead, Sleepy Hallow, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Fear the Walking Dead, Buffy, Angel, Gargoyles.... I could go on for a while with this one. In short, fantasy, sci-fi, and comedies.
Click to expand...
Check your spelling... you've misspelled the name of one book series and one TV show. Your "I could go on for a while with this one" is *good*! It can be read as humorous. Humor goes a long way for some people. Expand on that. "In short, fantasy, sci-fi, and comedies. Which wouldn't be short. Which is why I won't go on."
(Also, a bit of a niggle... none of those are food or music. So you might want to add a few examples of those things.)

The six things I could never do without
My cat Arya.
Family.
Friends.
Freedom
Bacon
Sex
Click to expand...
This part actually isn't bad. People will laugh at "bacon." And you have a cat, which some folks will think is awesome. In this section, including "sex" isn't necessarily a bad thing; a LOT of people include it on their lists. But with the rest of your profile as written, having "sex" here again implies that's ALL you're there for and that you're either wicked sexual or desperate, or both.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Random crap that might not be important. How I can rid the 'news' channels of sports stories. Oh look...a penny.
Click to expand...
This is another part where you're being too negative; if you're thinking about it, it's important! Share it! I do really like your "Oh look... a penny", because that's the one very clear glimpse of humor you have in the entire profile. Show more of that in this section; instead of just "random crap that might not be important," tell us what that random crap is. For example, "How many pins can dance on the head of an angel, why the sky isn't purple, how to lead a horse to water *and* make him drink."

On a typical Friday night I am
At home or a bar. But mostly home watching stuff on Netflix or playing video games.
There isn't anything wrong with not having much to do on a Friday night... but phrasing it this way emphasizes that you don't have anything to do. This could be a place for more humor, or even to expand on the "spend a lot of time thinking about" bit. For example, "Home trying to get through the vast, expansive list of fantasy, sci-fi, and comedy books, movies, and shows that I didn't list above."

And finally:
You should message me if
If you want to be friends, lovers, etc with me. One does not mean the other. But neither are the mutually exclusive.
Click to expand...
And now you have pretty much guaranteed that no one will message you...because they don't *know* if they want to be "friends, lovers, etc." with you if they've never had any contact with you! This is your last chance to make a first impression, and also to mention the type of person you'd get along best with. I'm just going to give the examples from my own profile, because I'm getting tired and I have to help my kid find something she's trying to pack for college...

You have a warped sense of humor, are intelligent and can carry on an interesting conversation.

If you can write a message of more than four words, and none of those words is related to sex. There's a challenge for ya ;)

If you can handle a wiseass with a serious streak, two partners, and a brain the size of a planet...(if you get that reference, DEFINITELY message me!)

Also, you should message me if you "like" my profile and that means you're interested... I'm not a paid member, so I can't see who "likes" me.
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
KC43 said:
There isn't anything wrong with not having much to do on a Friday night... but phrasing it this way emphasizes that you don't have anything to do. This could be a place for more humor, or even to expand on the "spend a lot of time thinking about" bit.
Click to expand...

100% right -

Once again, the purpose of the profile page is not to convince people how amazingly active and hip you are, but to show who you are. Everyone says they are out with friends or home with Netflix. I, myself, am often home on a Friday night, so my answer to this question is:

On a typical Friday night I am:
...just a sweet, simple girl with a dream.


And once again, the reader may or may not think it's funny, but it gives him a sense of who I am. Everyone goes out with friends from time to time. That tells us nothing about the person behind the profile. This question is a missed opportunity by almost everyone on OKC unless they are a jazz musician or they actually do something unique every Friday night. Most of us are just regular folks and very likely at home with our pets, so skip the typical answers to some of these questions and take the opportunity to not just say that you're a great guy with a lot to offer, but to show what's special about you.
 
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You know what, start over. Close your account completely and open a new one.

Since your current profile needs a lot of work to be appealing and you haven't gotten any results, anyway, just shut it down and then take the time to craft a new profile offline (using Word or some other word processing program) before you open a new one up. Run your profile description by us, and think up a few good usernames, before you do.
 
I agree with pretty much everything that has been said already. Your profile is uninteresting and not at all unique. The stuff about needing a roommate and living with your family, coupled with not being specific about what you are looking for, and then combined with the fact that you are a high school drop out with no job or $$ info listed...it reads as a huge red flag for me. It says, this guy is going to glom onto me just as a way to escape his current living situation. As false as that may be, it's my first impression. And, honestly, I am someone that doesn't give a shit at all how much money you make, because I don't need a sugar daddy. I wouldn't message you, and I wouldn't respond favorably to a message from you, based on just your profile. If these were all facts I found out later, with explanations, then you'd prolly be fine.

Start over. Let yourself shine. You are definitely not doing that with this profile!
 
So I started over. It My self-summary essay
I am a polyamorous guy that doesn't take life too seriously. Loyal. Shy with new people, but once I get to know you, I will be loud and fun to be around.

If you dislike the idea of sharing me with others then you will sadly have to exit stage right. I am poly. Which means I have too much love to be tied to only one person.

I like hunting, trapping, fishing, reading, writing, playing video games, and going out with friends.

Looking into a career change.
What I’m doing with my life
Trying to figure out this whole life thing.
I’m really good at
Writing science fiction and fantasy stories. Making wild out of the blue silly jokes and bad puns.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: Harry Potter, Inheritance Cycle, Lord of the Rings, Ender's series, Star Wars, John Carter, Tarzan and on and on.

Movies: Harry Potter, Inheritance Cycle, Star Wars, Indiana Jones... It is a long list. Mostly sci-fi and fantasy.

Shows: Buffy, Charmed, Firefly. Again, long and lots of sci-fi and fantasy.

Music: Temptations, Michael Jackson, System of a Down, old school rap (i.e. Sir-Mix-Alot), Elton John, show tunes.

Food: Steak, potatoes, anything but seafood.
The six things I could never do without
My cat
Role playing games
FREEDOOOOM!!! lol
Bacon
Daryl Dixon
Big ole juicy burgers
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Anything that pops into my...Oh look a penny. I wonder if Pinky will ever be thinking what Brain is.
On a typical Friday night I am
Driving my cat nuts with a piece of string.
You should message me if
If you can form a complete sentence.
Have any recommendations on books.
Would like to get to know me better, man!is going to be tweaked for sure. But here it is.
 
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