Lies and Divorce

Surferjenn

New member
I'm sorry if this is rambling I'm in complete shock right now.

I've been been married to my husband for two years and together for four. We finally decided to talk about having kids and setting a time table for it and how many. This is something we both want so this wasn't an issue. What I was worried about was how many people we knew who's relationships were falling apart due to infidelity. Prior to marriage I had only two relationships and sexual partners while my husband who was older has had many more. This wasn't a problem for me from a jealously pov but I worried that I had missed out on some things and it could cause me to stray later on.

I decided to research poly/ open marriages. I read books, visited sites and even went to a few local meet ups. I finally talked to my husband about this and explained my fears and asked to read some of the books. I also expressed the fact that there was zero expectations for him to go along with this. That if it wasn't something he wanted or if I hurt to tell me. We didn't talk about it for a couple weeks and then he said he as fine with one condition he didn't want to know anything other than names. Looking back this should have been a warning sign but I ignored it.

During the first month I just casually dated nothing beyond a first date. I eventually met a couple who I connected with. We started hanging out more but I made it clear that my husband came first which they understood. My husband on the other hand wasn't doing anything but working tons of overtime. And again I asked if he was fine which he said he was. This was something I made sure to do constantly​. Things progressed with the couple but expressed some worry about my situation. Was he having trouble meeting someone? Insecure? Things like that. Then they suggested we have a party to expose him to people they knew because they worried about him not wanting to know anything about the people I was with.

I asked him about this and he seemed upset but I explained it was just a dinner party to get know people nothing more. He relented and at the time I thought things went great. Everyone loved him and it seemed like he liked everyone. Most of the people were the couples friend and from the group I had visited. In fact I was somewhat jealous of the fact of the attention he got not surprised though. This in my mind had put everything at ease. So over the course of the next few months I thought things were going fine. After the party he told me he was going on dates but nothing serious. I was still worried because he hadn't connected with anyone but he reassured me it as fine.

My first red flag was the lack of sex, he always had a higher sex drive but went from 3-4 times a week to nothing. He brushed it off as all the overtime he was working and laughed when I mentioned the dates he had gone on. That I knew most of the dates had barely got past drinks that he was just exhausted from all the work. He even apologized and said he would make it up to me. That was last week.

Tonight I get home from work to an empty house, his wedding ring ,divorce papers and a letter from him on our kitchen table. To sum it up he lied about dating and he was never okay with any of this but went along with it because he said I'd do no matter what. I'm completely heart broken why would he lie? I gave him every opportunity to stop it even before it began. I just don't understand it. Has anyone gone through this or anything similar? I'm sorry if this doesn't belong here.
 
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That sounds awful. Sounds like you were blindsided. When the woman walks away, the phenomenon is called the walkway wife. Men don't tend to do this as often, though that doesnt change anything for you. You must feel terrible. Sorry.

On a side note, your last paragraph is hard to read. There's a couple of missing words or erroneous words from your auto correct. There's an edit button that lasts for 12 hours after you post which you could use.

I think we are less likely to know what happened than you. The information you've given here will take the reader completely by surprise. I suspect the replies you get from people here are all going to be biased based on our own personal experiences. For example, I wonder if he has been having an affair with someone he knows you don't like, or if he has been blackmailed. The other reason may be that he's just shit at communicating and was bottling it all up, but I find it hard to believe he could continue to bottle it up even as you're asking him specifically about it. A final reason could be mental health issues, drugs or a threat to his life from some illicit activity he's trying to protect you from. On a similar train of thought, something he's deeply embarrassed about, maybe he hurt someone physically or sexually and can't bear the guilt or shame in talking to you about it. I'm really grasping are straws here sorry. I have no clue.

Sorry jenn. What's happening to you is terrible. Try to get a hold of him, or his family, to get some closure. Your mind will forever be wondering why otherwise.
 
I'm so sorry.

If it's any comfort, I suspect he was going to divorce you anyway. The dating was just the pretext. Some people need to feel like they are in the 'right' and their soon to be ex is at fault and wrong. He did it this way so he can blame you for what he wanted to do anyway.

You did everything you could. You were open and honest, checked in with him often. He could have been honest but chose not to.

My last relationship ended almost a year ago. The only time she brought up any problems or unhappiness was when she ended things. No warning, no discussion or trying to work things out. Like you, I worked to be open with her and tried to give her opportunities to let me know what was on her mind. She never did. The out of the blue breakup was devastating to me.

This kind of thing happens. I don't know how to make someone be honest with you. It's not preventable and there is nothing you could have done differently.

Someday this may be a 'whew! Dodged a bullet there! So glad he divorced me!' But that day is far away right now. Do your best to understand this is not your fault, you did your best and this does not reflect your worth as a person or someone worthy of being loved.

Best to you.
 
Take time to get over the shock. Connect with friends or other partners you can trust to be supportive and sensitive. Eat, sleep, talk talk talk - whether in person or online. Give it a few days. You will feel better able to make any decisions that need making.

Something like this is rather like an amputation. An important constant of life is gone. Instinct is to grab it back and attach it somehow. But right now, you are in no condition to make life altering choices. Take a while to process this, find yourself again. Answers will start emerging.
 
....a letter from him on our kitchen table. To sum it up he lied about dating and he was never okay with any of this but went along with it because he said I'd do no matter what. I'm completely heart broken why would he lie? I gave him every opportunity to stop it even before it began. I just don't understand it. Has anyone gone through this or anything similar? I'm sorry if this doesn't belong here.

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. But I think he's been quite clear. There's nothing hard to understand here.

He was never okay with it. He's very clear on that. Most people aren't okay with their spouse having sex and romances outside the marriage.

Why would he lie? Again, he's very clear on why he went along with it when he didn't really want to: He felt you were going to do it no matter what.

I asked him about this and he seemed upset but I explained it was just a dinner party to get know people nothing more. He relented and at the time I thought things went great. Everyone loved him and it seemed like he liked everyone. Most of the people were the couples friend and from the group I had visited.

It sounds as if he really, really didn't want to go to a dinner party and meet these people, but the pressure continued on him to do so. We don't 'relent' to something we want to do. We don't 'relent' when we've been asked once or twice. We 'relent' when we don't want something and/or when we've been pressured and asked repeatedly.

This might point to exactly why he felt you would eventually do what you wanted regardless of his input. Is there a long history of slow and steady pressure, bringing a subject up repeatedly until he agrees?

I think we can easily convince ourselves that we're 'just talking,' 'just exploring ideas,' and fail to realize that if someone says no three, four times, and it continues to be brought up, to the other person, it feels like slow and steady pressure, slow and steady grinding down.

Again, it's painful and sad. But I think he's laid it out quite clearly why he did what he did.
 
I don't know how to reply individually​ sorry.

About him cheating or something else, I doubt it. His work is basically all men and his OT was reflected on his checks. He doesn't do social media no Facebook or anything. I had to twist his arm to get him to buy a smart phone he thinks there stupid. He rarely used email and I could log into his email because he uses the same password for everything. He's very old fashioned tech wise. He's a health nut so I couldn't see him using drugs. The most I've ever seen him drink is two beers. But he did hide seeing a divorce attorney from me so who knows.

I guess I did pressure him into the party but from everything I had read and from conversations with people a DADT policy was extremely risky. So I thought it would help him adjust. Maybe I should have waited. And I do admit selfishly I wanted to show him off that his lack of dating wasn't because he was unattractive or weird.

I still don't get why he didn't tell me his fears and not being interested the minute I brought it up. Had he, that would have been the end of it. I even told him I was concerned he would have an easier time finding someone than me. The idea I would do this without his consent is mind boggling to me. I guess I completely understand estimated his trust in me and that hurts.
 
You will probably not like my post.

What I was worried about was how many people we knew who's relationships were falling apart due to infidelity. Prior to marriage I had only two relationships and sexual partners while my husband who was older has had many more. This wasn't a problem for me from a jealously pov but I worried that I had missed out on some things and it could cause me to stray later on.

Let me get this right. You wanted to have sex outside the marriage right now to avoid sex outside the marriage later? How did that compute? Because if it was about polyamory being better than infidelity, you could have tried polyamory if/when you got tempted to infidelity too. There was no need to do it now. My guess is that you wanted to open your marriage and used some nonsense about infidelity to excuse it.

he said he as fine with one condition he didn't want to know anything other than names. Looking back this should have been a warning sign but I ignored it.

I don't think this was a warning sign. It sounds like a lot of people facing a poly bomb in a mono marriage - trying to make sense, agreeing cautiously on some specific, narrow terms. The warning sign was that you saw his discomfort with the idea and still you took this agreement and broke it and trust, with it.

I asked him about this

He did not want to know anything more than names - this is what you had agreed to when you got his agreement to you trying out polyamory. You chose to break a promise for reasons known only to you - or poor boundaries where you simply thought the couple thinking it a good idea was good enough to break your promise. Not only did you break it, you wanted him to MEET them.

and he seemed upset

Here is your WARNING SIGN. Not only did you break your promise and asked him to meet your other partners, he refused and it UPSET him. But this did not bother you.

but I explained it was just a dinner party to get know people nothing more.

He didn't want to know anything but names. That was the condition on which he agreed to open the marriage. You broke your promise, you tried to get him to be more involved, you refused to accept his refusals even when it caused him distress.

He relented and at the time I thought things went great. Everyone loved him and it seemed like he liked everyone. Most of the people were the couples friend and from the group I had visited.

So at this point not only he knows things he didn't want to know, those people aren't something he can avoid in order to grant your wish, he is forced to meet them. Not just them, he is forced to meet their friends as well.

After the party he told me he was going on dates but nothing serious. I was still worried because he hadn't connected with anyone but he reassured me it as fine.

And these face saving lies, after everything you did bothered you enough to make it to the title of the thread? Your concern is STILL that he hadn't connected with anyone. By now you have completely forgotten your promise to him when agreeing to open your marriage, but he doesn't want to know more than names.

My first red flag was the lack of sex, he always had a higher sex drive but went from 3-4 times a week to nothing. He brushed it off as all the overtime he was working and laughed when I mentioned the dates he had gone on. That I knew most of the dates had barely got past drinks that he was just exhausted from all the work. He even apologized and said he would make it up to me. That was last week.

Your first red flag should have been when the couple you were with didn't respect that you couldn't discuss your relationships with your husband and convinced you to talk to him and it UPSET him.

Tonight I get home from work to an empty house, his wedding ring ,divorce papers and a letter from him on our kitchen table.

He finally processed his problems and figured out what to do.

To sum it up he lied about dating

Give the man a break! He's been through all that and you're picking fault over what he did in his time? Perhaps he felt you wanted him to date, and if he refused, it would become like the party invitation? Because you certainly seem to have enough energy invested in it to point that detail out as a lie in the middle of this big a mess.

and he was never okay with any of this but went along with it because he said I'd do no matter what.

Is that not pretty much what your post describes? You said whatever it took to get his agreement and did whatever you wanted including forcing HIM to do things you wanted as a part of enjoying poly.

I'm completely heart broken why would he lie?

Whose idea was it that he date?

You need to think about this. Was it to save face? To appear like he wasn't miserably waiting for you while you were being cool? Was it that you encouraged him to date and he feared that you wouldn't stop unless he said he was dating? Because it is very strange that your husband walks out of your marriage and other than the divorce, the only thing to make it to the title are lies about dating of all things! You have also mentioned before that he didn't connect with anyone at the party, the couple thought he should engageand suggested it wasn't healthy not to, you pretty much pushed him into it, you asked+/teased him about dates.... maybe he simply said he was dating to get you to stop telling him to date?

I gave him every opportunity to stop it even before it began. I just don't understand it. Has anyone gone through this or anything similar? I'm sorry if this doesn't belong here.

I understand that you are bewildered and hurt, but in your excitement over becoming poly and enjoying it, you appear to have completely ignored his stated preferences. Now you are wondering why the preferences he did not state were not exerted. But the ones he did state were clearly not respected, so where is any reason to think the other ones would be?

Well it sort of belongs as a botched start to poly.

I guess over the coming days, you are going to figure out what to do. If you enjoy poly, it is clear your husband does not want to be in the marriage. However, if you are willing to accept that he is completely against poly and are willing to be monogamous to get him back or something, I guess you could find out if he would be willing to try - you would have to ask him. ***IF*** he agrees, it would involve giving up the poly you clearly enjoy. It would also involve massive amounts of humility and an apology and maybe groveling to convince him that you made a serious mistake that you realized too late and to try again. Perhaps it would work, perhaps it wouldn't. But I would recommend to not even initiate a discussion before you get your own head sorted first as to what you want in terms of relationships. Maybe on calmer thought you will find that you would prefer to continue a poly lifestyle and even if it hurts, your husband did both of you a favor?
 
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Anamikano trust me I want the harsh words, I'm trying to make sense of all this so I can try and fix things with my husband.

Let me try and explain about trying poly so infidelity wouldn't happen later on. All my friends whose marriages have ended were caused by cheating. Most because one of them never got to experience sleeping with different people and felt cheated. This struck a nerve with me because in some ways that's how I feel. Not just on a sexual level but connecting emotionally too. I also realize this was my choice and I chose to be in committed relationships and not just party like my friends. But I also had some self confidence issues that since I wasn't experienced my husband would think I was boring in bed. I feared that five or ten years from now I would do the same. I'm not justifying it just explaining how I feel.

The party issue, that was honestly me trying to make things work. The poly people I had spoken to said that type of agreement wasn't smart. I have no experience with this so I took the advice of people. And like I posted before I realize I did force him but my intent wasn't to hurt him. And I know the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

When it came to him dating again I took advice from people and from my own reading. That men struggle more with their wives sleeping with other people. So getting him someone would make it easier. They even suggested I stop until he found someone or proposed a threesome with another woman from the group who was more than willing.

The lying about dating isn't about me, I feel horrible for him. That I screwed up so much he felt the need to lie. I pushed him to date because I didn't want him resent me I wanted him to have someone. That also goes back to the party that it would be easier to meet someone in the lifestyle. I honestly believed if he didn't that he would wake up one day and just end it.

I hope I explained myself somewhat.
 
On the whole, in any relationship, but particularly with partners, it is never a good idea to impose our choices on them.

A DADT is indeed considered a relatively problematic choice over transparent sharing. But this is also assuming that your husband is willingly poly.

There is no rule that says that just because you are poly, your husband should be as well. There are loads of relationships with poly people having monogamous partners - just read signatures on the group.

Hindsight is 20-20, but the bigger problem before you now is to choose the way forward. Your husband clearly does not seem willing to poly. Now the question is what you want to do. You need to make a clear choice that considers what you really want and what you are really willing to commit to. And, if that means trying to get your husband back, then whether he agrees to give it a try.

At this point, I don't think there is a switch that will return everything back to normal.

Edit: I think you should take a couple of days to think this through. I also think you should assess how you manage your personal boundaries. While the couple suggested what they felt was right, you ended up giving those words power over your husband. It is vastly different to agree to your partner exploring poly, and your partner trying to get you to become poly based on what her partners tell her. Many people are monogamous and will find poly wrong for them and they cannot simply be bulldozed into fitting a wishful reality.
 
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I agree that a DADT policy isn't smart. I also agree that it can be a warning sign. However, that is all moot. It is obvious now that he wasn't on board from the beginning. You can keep second guessing yourself all you want, but there is nothing you could have done differently. It was up to him to voice his position. Basically, he sucks at communication.

At this point you two have to actually communicate. You are fine with being mono. Can he go back to that? Or is the thought of you being with someone else going to eat him up inside. The possibility that he was just looking for an an out is definitely there.

To sum it up, don't beat yourself up too bad. You tried to do it the right way. You were blindsided. I have trouble believing things would have worked out in the long run with a partner that can't communicate their feelings.
 
Vinsanity0, pushing a mono partner to date in the name of being healthy is absurd and completely unethical. Also he communicated. He refused to go to the party, was convinced into doing it anyway.

It appears that the couple had an idea of what OP AND HER HUSBAND should do, and OP simply went about making it happen whether he wanted it or not. It is like a warped kind of couple privilege that really goes even beyond sane examples of couple privilege - whoever heard of making a metamor date?

Agree that he should have had better boundaries, but persistent pressure to do something without regard for refusals.... really has only one fix that works - to remove yourself from the pressure. The letter and divorce papers are COMMUNICATION when milder refusals failed.
 
SurferJenn

First, I am sorry at what has happened. I had some similarities in my situation. I forced the issue, and i understand now how the DADT thing makes it very easy to not read the right signals.

just reading what you wrote, I think knowing you were being intimate with this couple if that is what hanging out means and with their poly friends, and the forcing him to interact with these people probably was what pushed him over the edge.

i'm not expert, but i have read that probably less than 10% of the men on the planet will happily accept the wives having sex with other men. In your case and probably mine the strict DADT was probably their way of subconsciously not having to face what was really happening. Staring it in the face might have been pretty emasculating to him.

Many men rethink the divorce thing and the papers mean nothing until it is final so hopefully you will get a chance to at least talk.
 
This story just keeps screaming to me: "Believe people when they tell you what they want." Sure, husband could have done a better job of holding the line, instead of relenting and being cajoled further and further into accepting what he didn't want. But maybe he was believing what he was being told, and realizing the gulf between them wasn't gonna be bridged with his honesty.

The walking away, leaving ring and divorce papers seems like a final chance to believe what he's telling you. He wasn't ready to walk with you on the path you wanted to take. He isn't going to stick around and see how much more painful it can get. If all of this started with the idea that poly might be proof against infidelity, you may not be able to convince him of future fidelity. He may assume that you will harbor resentment at closing things up, if that could save the marriage. Whatever his reasons, he has clearly communicated that he is done.

Here's a fresh start for you. Accept his communication. Give him your time and attention as he wants it, but don't force it on him. If there's a chance to stay together, he will let you know. Good luck in your new life, with or without him.
 
The poly people I had spoken to said that type of agreement wasn't smart. I have no experience with this so I took the advice of people. And like I posted before I realize I did force him but my intent wasn't to hurt him. And I know the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I agree DADT is a recipe for problems, but the answer to wanting something more than DADT is not simply changing the rules on him. You could re-negotiated and if he was willing for no more than DADT, then not gone ahead with or stopped polyamory under a potentially problematic agreement.

When it came to him dating again I took advice from people and from my own reading. That men struggle more with their wives sleeping with other people. So getting him someone would make it easier. They even suggested I stop until he found someone or proposed a threesome with another woman from the group who was more than willing.

Again, same thing. You had choices you could have ethically made, but you did not want to stop poly, so you changed the agreement on him in a pretty horrible way. Even a single person nagged to date will be irritated. This was a person being asked to act in contradiction to his beliefs. You had a choice to stop till he found someone - which sounds like it would be never - or you could have .... renegotiated or stopped if you could not reach a better agreement, but you essentially chose to do what you wish and make him do whatever things you thought would result in him not having a problem with what you had come to enjoy.

I pushed him to date because I didn't want him resent me I wanted him to have someone. That also goes back to the party that it would be easier to meet someone in the lifestyle.

Sex without consent is ____? You should probably be glad that he merely lied to you about the dates to get you to back off. It would have been a far worse violation of him if you'd managed to force him into that threesome with the more than willing person from the group. His lie protected him and your conscience from bigger guilt.

I honestly believed if he didn't that he would wake up one day and just end it.

Well, like this, he did it in the evening.
 
If all of this started with the idea that poly might be proof against infidelity, you may not be able to convince him of future fidelity.

What I was thinking. Any reconciliation, if he agrees to it is going to have major tones of affair recovery even now. Though this wasn't an affair exactly, winning back trust is going to be one hell of a challenge.
 
Hi
I havent been around for a while. I just saw your post and wanted to say how very sorry I am that you are going through this. It is always extremely difficult when things like this happen out of the blue.

What i have learnt from talking to others on here and various sites i use...becoming poly to save a marriage rarely works. It often just makes the cracks in your foundations open up into huge gaping holes.

I am just sorry you are going through this and i know it is a cliche but time does make it better.

What do you want more... a poly life or a mono marriage with your husband assuming he hasn't left you for someone else.

Just take time to breathe. Acknowledge your feelings and give yourself time to process them. Right now you are going to be in a whole world of emotional pain and confusion.
 
The idea I would do this without his consent is mind boggling to me.

I didn't mean to say that you would do it without his consent. I'm guessing his own words, that you would do it anyway, didn't necessarily mean without his consent. But rather, that you would push and inch forward and bring it up and suggest and etc etc until he caved anyway, so he may as well just agree now and save you both all that trouble.

Exhibit A: pushing him into the dinner party with people he said wanted to know nothing about.

I'm trying to make sense of all this so I can try and fix things with my husband.
But you already know the answer. He already told you. He doesn't like poly. He gave you a very straight direct explanation and some here are trying to second guess that and surmise he's a lousy communicator or might be on drugs! :eek:

No. He doesn't want a poly marriage.

Vinsanity0, pushing a mono partner to date in the name of being healthy is absurd and completely unethical. Also he communicated. He refused to go to the party, was convinced into doing it anyway.

Agree that he should have had better boundaries, but persistent pressure to do something without regard for refusals.... really has only one fix that works - to remove yourself from the pressure. The letter and divorce papers are COMMUNICATION when milder refusals failed.
Fully agreed.
 
Why Secondaries End Up Feeling Like Chew Toys

That men struggle more with their wives sleeping with other people. So getting him someone would make it easier. They even suggested I stop until he found someone or proposed a threesome with another woman from the group who was more than willing.

Ouch.

'Getting him someone.' To placate him and keep him sated and happy in order to make your sex with others easier.

I came to this forum originally trying to understand how poly could possibly work as my XBF told me it could. He himself seemed unable to answer my questions about many things or help me understand even though he was the self-proclaimed poly guru and poly success story.

All too often I saw comments like this back then and would ask him if this was what I was to him--and to his wife. Just something to keep him happy and their marriage balanced. He got agitated, yelled that people here don't speak for him--but he still couldn't answer the question for himself.

Given events that have transpired since, I have no doubt I was right. His wife, if not he himself, saw me as 'getting him someone,' to keep her life running smoothly.

I totally get poly when people happen to fall in love and it somehow works out for everyone--but setting out to 'get someone' for those reasons? I call that completely unethical. I call it using another human being.

And I see the results in all too many posts when the new girlfriend starts to infringe too much on his time, act like a real person, when the wife starts to realize her husband is really IN LOVE with someone else. All of a sudden, we're hearing how awful the new girlfriend is and the slow silent veto game starts being played until the new GF gets fed up and leaves.

Then she's awful for 'breaking his heart.'

It happens a few times and many husbands simply realize there's never going to be a girlfriend good enough for the wife and quits trying.

Now you're right back at a husband with no girlfriend. But several other women have gotten burned in the process and the husband also now has a lot of resentments and heartbreak built up, too.

Not saying it happens every time. But it's a pattern I've seen often enough.

From your husband's side, it also might have had a real ICK factor to realize he was being paraded in front of these poly women like a parade horse to see which of them wanted to entertain herself with him, groom him into the fold. Whether or not that's what any of you intended, that may be exactly how it felt to him.
 
We see this so many times that I am now going to name it the "pacifier approach to poly" or "pacifier poly" - or more crudely "Shove a pacifier at mono-partner's crotch so they won't make a noise about what we KNOW they don't like us to do with other people" Never seen it work.
 
Vinsanity0, pushing a mono partner to date in the name of being healthy is absurd and completely unethical. Also he communicated. He refused to go to the party, was convinced into doing it anyway.

It appears that the couple had an idea of what OP AND HER HUSBAND should do, and OP simply went about making it happen whether he wanted it or not. It is like a warped kind of couple privilege that really goes even beyond sane examples of couple privilege - whoever heard of making a metamor date?

Agree that he should have had better boundaries, but persistent pressure to do something without regard for refusals.... really has only one fix that works - to remove yourself from the pressure. The letter and divorce papers are COMMUNICATION when milder refusals failed.

You are jumping to the middle of the story. The bottom line is he was never okay with poly. Because of that it did not matter what she did. You are assuming everything was fine up until the dinner party. He could have been more honest about his feelings. Instead he just made assumptions.

I do agree that it was wrong to let the couple steer her in that direction. Had this been a real mono/poly relationship, that would be a problem. Still, he could have said no. He could have said no to the whole thing, but he didn't. He could have not lied and said he was dating other people.

Tell me how his actions could ever lead to a healthy relationship.
 
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