The Musings of a Newbie
- Thread starter New2This3
- Start date
New2This3
New member
New Beginnings
big things to look forward to...also to overthink and cause some stress at the same time.
My job was at first helping me pay for the remainder of schooling... Now that's changed due to some financial obstacles they've encountered (it's a really small company)... Ive reached my max on taking out student loans so I literally have no way of going back and finishing my degree... I'm throwing in the towel... I've exhausted all possibilities, short of finding a new job that will pay me more money AND help me with schooling before the end of this year... Which yea, is a possibility but not very likely to occur.... It's ashame to be so close to the end and not be able to finish, but it is what it is and I look at it as not "giving up" but just "letting it go"....
Now that schooling isn't the goal, I've pretty much got a clean slate... I've been a financial mess for way too long... Now is better than never to start working towards turning that around.... So I've decided to move out of state... Go where there may be more opportunities for me and my career, I have the experience for it but no room for advancement in my area.... My boss is disappointed. I believe he was intending for me to stay committed to his company for the long haul.... Ugh that's a whole different story I could vent about for days on end... But instead I'll just stop right there... I can't please everyone in my life. Right now I have to think about my and my kids future... No matter what.
Stone is thinking of moving out of state as well. He wants to go further North, Maine to be specific... I don't know why... And I'm trying to convince him to try and negotiate with me on an area where we can co-parent more easily, especially for the kids... As of right now, he's set on Maine tho... I'm trying not to overthink about what that would mean for our kids, especially if I choose somewhere several states away... Ugh.
I have several things to sort out and plan for in the meantime... In order to be more prepared and in a better position to start applying to places in whatever state I choose... I'm thinking 6 months to a year before the big move... Which seems like awhile away, but I know it'll come up quickly... Feels good to have some goals in place and look forward to.
My divorce court date is set for the 23rd of September.... My birthday is four days later. Stones birthday is 13days before the court date... The month of Sept will never be the same again.
big things to look forward to...also to overthink and cause some stress at the same time.
My job was at first helping me pay for the remainder of schooling... Now that's changed due to some financial obstacles they've encountered (it's a really small company)... Ive reached my max on taking out student loans so I literally have no way of going back and finishing my degree... I'm throwing in the towel... I've exhausted all possibilities, short of finding a new job that will pay me more money AND help me with schooling before the end of this year... Which yea, is a possibility but not very likely to occur.... It's ashame to be so close to the end and not be able to finish, but it is what it is and I look at it as not "giving up" but just "letting it go"....
Now that schooling isn't the goal, I've pretty much got a clean slate... I've been a financial mess for way too long... Now is better than never to start working towards turning that around.... So I've decided to move out of state... Go where there may be more opportunities for me and my career, I have the experience for it but no room for advancement in my area.... My boss is disappointed. I believe he was intending for me to stay committed to his company for the long haul.... Ugh that's a whole different story I could vent about for days on end... But instead I'll just stop right there... I can't please everyone in my life. Right now I have to think about my and my kids future... No matter what.
Stone is thinking of moving out of state as well. He wants to go further North, Maine to be specific... I don't know why... And I'm trying to convince him to try and negotiate with me on an area where we can co-parent more easily, especially for the kids... As of right now, he's set on Maine tho... I'm trying not to overthink about what that would mean for our kids, especially if I choose somewhere several states away... Ugh.
I have several things to sort out and plan for in the meantime... In order to be more prepared and in a better position to start applying to places in whatever state I choose... I'm thinking 6 months to a year before the big move... Which seems like awhile away, but I know it'll come up quickly... Feels good to have some goals in place and look forward to.
My divorce court date is set for the 23rd of September.... My birthday is four days later. Stones birthday is 13days before the court date... The month of Sept will never be the same again.
New2This3
New member
Counting Down
6 days left until my court date for my divorce... I'm not sure it has hit me yet... maybe it will once it happens? Stone seems to be taking it really hard and making it a huge deal... which makes me wonder why I don't share the sentiment... I mean, I was in love with this man before... I had kids with him. We shared connections and loved each other. Yes we had our issues and the last years events just pushed me over the edge, but why doesn't that all make me feel like this is the huge monumental thing that it is? Not really looking for answers just letting the thoughts flow out right now...
Backtracking to my last update... few days later I got an update via text from Ocean ... basically saying he decided to work on healing his marriage and that he would be blocking my number and we'd have no further communication from that point on...
My first instinct told me that he wasn't him speaking, that he had been influenced by outside sources, perhaps Kiwi guilted him into trying again, or something else... but then I thought, doesn't matter... they are married... I'm getting a divorce... if they have a chance to save their marriage, that's their choice and I'm not gonna do what kiwi and Stone did and interfere whatsoever... so I mourned what could of been and left it at that. Didn't even send any reply back.
But because I didn't have anyone else who knew about the whole situation I ended up going to Stone and venting... I told him bits and pieces... and told him he was the only one I felt could understand because he had feelings for two people and all that jazz.... he surpriseingly was there for me as a friend and didn't backfire on me at all...
::sigh:: but the days to follow became a cycle again... one day he would be begging me for a chance to try to repair our marriage... he would claim his undying love for me and how I had someone who wanted to grow old with me, to share in my joys and sorrows, someone who wanted to stand by me and grow together etc.... all the stuff one thinks is important to hear when you really love someone...
I'm not trying to make fun of that kind of love or mock it or anything but I mean seriously???
The more he kept trying, the more it just made me feel guilty more than any kind of desire to go back to him... Guilty because now it was gonna seem like I had turned my back on him and was the bad guy for getting the divorce...
It takes two people to make any kind of relationship work... he and I both had our faults and made our mistakes... but here he is still trying and I just feel like it's over for me...
Is that selfish?? Cuz it definitely makes me feel like I am.
The low parts of the cycle is him being angry with me... angry that he isn't worth the fight... that I don't love him anymore... that all I want is to date other people
-_-
It's draining me trying to remain civil with him. Now I'm at the point where I'm just limiting my interactions with him. If that makes me a cold hearted person to the rest of the world, I guess that's what I'm gonna have to seem. I'm drained and stressed to the max and just need to focus on me.
On the Kiwi front, I have to admit that I have not cut her out completely as I should have... actually neither Stone nor I have... it seems since all this has turned she disappeared from social media... however Pinterest is public unless you make your boards secret... so it's been all too tempting for us three to post quotes and sayings etc that are cryptic basically.... the last of it, she posted things that were for Stone... but then took them down... it's hard to make sense of what is going on in her head with what she posts but I really need to just leave it alone for good. It's just a struggle not knowing... Guess I need to work on not giving in to the temptation to look...
Oh and coincidentally, Stone saw each of them this month... he saw Kiwi in passing while driving ... day before his birthday... and then this past Thursday he saw Ocean while getting gas... he became emotional over it... saying he needs to move so he won't constantly fear running into them..
I'm not sure but sometimes I feel like he's becoming mentally effecting by all this.. idk.
On a different note, I'm loving my apartment but I am struggling financially so something's gotta give soon... I thought of starting up a side business of sorts but I'm just afraid I won't have the time to dedicate to it...
As for my love life, it's been pretty dormant... much more so than before my two weeks with Ocean... I've had a ongoing fling with one guy... It's been sexual more than anything else.. we're both on the same page that we aren't looking for labels or an actual relationship... so he lives his life, I live mine... and we hook up every now and then... guess I should assign him a name... let's call him Flame... so Flame has been away for his job about 3-4 weeks now.. and during that time he asked if I would go sexually exclusive with him... I was in the midst of the cycles with Stone and work has been stressful and I honestly don't have any desires for anyone else at the moment... so I agreed to it. I'm still gonna date... we aren't in a full blown relationship... so... idk, is there a label or term for that kind of thing?? Friends with benefits comes to mind but there's the exclusive part so... anyways, I'm seeing him tomorrow and sooo looking forward to it.
Got a few solo trips planned for the next month... just small daytrips to recharge and do all that mental escape stuff ... this time of year tends to get so busy for me... lots of family birthdays and holidays back to back... i think I'm gonna be grateful for the distractions...
Backtracking to Stone and my divorce... i am suddenly anxious at how he is gonna react after the divorce is final. I really don't know what to expect and that scares me a bit. Just cuz I wish he would just accept things and be civil without the highs and lows... but I guess that's just wishful thinking on my part.
::sigh:: alright, Time to get this day started.
6 days left until my court date for my divorce... I'm not sure it has hit me yet... maybe it will once it happens? Stone seems to be taking it really hard and making it a huge deal... which makes me wonder why I don't share the sentiment... I mean, I was in love with this man before... I had kids with him. We shared connections and loved each other. Yes we had our issues and the last years events just pushed me over the edge, but why doesn't that all make me feel like this is the huge monumental thing that it is? Not really looking for answers just letting the thoughts flow out right now...
Backtracking to my last update... few days later I got an update via text from Ocean ... basically saying he decided to work on healing his marriage and that he would be blocking my number and we'd have no further communication from that point on...
My first instinct told me that he wasn't him speaking, that he had been influenced by outside sources, perhaps Kiwi guilted him into trying again, or something else... but then I thought, doesn't matter... they are married... I'm getting a divorce... if they have a chance to save their marriage, that's their choice and I'm not gonna do what kiwi and Stone did and interfere whatsoever... so I mourned what could of been and left it at that. Didn't even send any reply back.
But because I didn't have anyone else who knew about the whole situation I ended up going to Stone and venting... I told him bits and pieces... and told him he was the only one I felt could understand because he had feelings for two people and all that jazz.... he surpriseingly was there for me as a friend and didn't backfire on me at all...
::sigh:: but the days to follow became a cycle again... one day he would be begging me for a chance to try to repair our marriage... he would claim his undying love for me and how I had someone who wanted to grow old with me, to share in my joys and sorrows, someone who wanted to stand by me and grow together etc.... all the stuff one thinks is important to hear when you really love someone...
I'm not trying to make fun of that kind of love or mock it or anything but I mean seriously???
The more he kept trying, the more it just made me feel guilty more than any kind of desire to go back to him... Guilty because now it was gonna seem like I had turned my back on him and was the bad guy for getting the divorce...
It takes two people to make any kind of relationship work... he and I both had our faults and made our mistakes... but here he is still trying and I just feel like it's over for me...
Is that selfish?? Cuz it definitely makes me feel like I am.
The low parts of the cycle is him being angry with me... angry that he isn't worth the fight... that I don't love him anymore... that all I want is to date other people
-_-
It's draining me trying to remain civil with him. Now I'm at the point where I'm just limiting my interactions with him. If that makes me a cold hearted person to the rest of the world, I guess that's what I'm gonna have to seem. I'm drained and stressed to the max and just need to focus on me.
On the Kiwi front, I have to admit that I have not cut her out completely as I should have... actually neither Stone nor I have... it seems since all this has turned she disappeared from social media... however Pinterest is public unless you make your boards secret... so it's been all too tempting for us three to post quotes and sayings etc that are cryptic basically.... the last of it, she posted things that were for Stone... but then took them down... it's hard to make sense of what is going on in her head with what she posts but I really need to just leave it alone for good. It's just a struggle not knowing... Guess I need to work on not giving in to the temptation to look...
Oh and coincidentally, Stone saw each of them this month... he saw Kiwi in passing while driving ... day before his birthday... and then this past Thursday he saw Ocean while getting gas... he became emotional over it... saying he needs to move so he won't constantly fear running into them..
I'm not sure but sometimes I feel like he's becoming mentally effecting by all this.. idk.
On a different note, I'm loving my apartment but I am struggling financially so something's gotta give soon... I thought of starting up a side business of sorts but I'm just afraid I won't have the time to dedicate to it...
As for my love life, it's been pretty dormant... much more so than before my two weeks with Ocean... I've had a ongoing fling with one guy... It's been sexual more than anything else.. we're both on the same page that we aren't looking for labels or an actual relationship... so he lives his life, I live mine... and we hook up every now and then... guess I should assign him a name... let's call him Flame... so Flame has been away for his job about 3-4 weeks now.. and during that time he asked if I would go sexually exclusive with him... I was in the midst of the cycles with Stone and work has been stressful and I honestly don't have any desires for anyone else at the moment... so I agreed to it. I'm still gonna date... we aren't in a full blown relationship... so... idk, is there a label or term for that kind of thing?? Friends with benefits comes to mind but there's the exclusive part so... anyways, I'm seeing him tomorrow and sooo looking forward to it.
Got a few solo trips planned for the next month... just small daytrips to recharge and do all that mental escape stuff ... this time of year tends to get so busy for me... lots of family birthdays and holidays back to back... i think I'm gonna be grateful for the distractions...
Backtracking to Stone and my divorce... i am suddenly anxious at how he is gonna react after the divorce is final. I really don't know what to expect and that scares me a bit. Just cuz I wish he would just accept things and be civil without the highs and lows... but I guess that's just wishful thinking on my part.
::sigh:: alright, Time to get this day started.
You're not a bad guy. IMO.
I went through the same thing with my ex.
I found him curled up on the bedroom floor, crying his heart out. He asked me to come back to him and get counseling.
That was the hardest thing I ever had to do, was not run over and try to "fix everything".
It struck me I had been battling this for 5 god damn years.
We actually did go to counseling. He said his life "revolved around me."
I remember thinking that was the most foreign thing that came out of his mouth.
I own up to my mistakes, and yes, I too felt guilty that I didn't try (again) to patch things up this time. I knew down in my heart he could NEVER be the man I wanted him to be and I could NEVER be the woman he wanted to be. We were both asking for slow pain instead of facing up to the truth.
But damn does the "What if?" haunt me. It's the what if that caused me to stay in that relationship 5 years longer than I should have.
Hope that helps. You're not a bad person.
I went through the same thing with my ex.
I found him curled up on the bedroom floor, crying his heart out. He asked me to come back to him and get counseling.
That was the hardest thing I ever had to do, was not run over and try to "fix everything".
It struck me I had been battling this for 5 god damn years.
We actually did go to counseling. He said his life "revolved around me."
I remember thinking that was the most foreign thing that came out of his mouth.
I own up to my mistakes, and yes, I too felt guilty that I didn't try (again) to patch things up this time. I knew down in my heart he could NEVER be the man I wanted him to be and I could NEVER be the woman he wanted to be. We were both asking for slow pain instead of facing up to the truth.
But damn does the "What if?" haunt me. It's the what if that caused me to stay in that relationship 5 years longer than I should have.
Hope that helps. You're not a bad person.
New2This3
New member
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Stone has been the same way....balling his eyes out...just down right awfully depressed and crying to me about saving "us"...
and yes i feel the same, we could never be what we wanted each other to be for the other....
and yes again, the "what if" will always haunt me I think...
New2This3
New member
zoned out
i'm at work and i cant concentrate...
i need to get a lot of things out and off my chest....i feel like my mind is racing a million miles per second...
about my divorce this friday...about Stone...about Kiwi....about Flame...and things that i'm learning slowly about myself....or maybe just admitting to myself finally....
but most of all, about Ocean......
ugh, i'll be back to later to sort thru it all....
i'm at work and i cant concentrate...
i need to get a lot of things out and off my chest....i feel like my mind is racing a million miles per second...
about my divorce this friday...about Stone...about Kiwi....about Flame...and things that i'm learning slowly about myself....or maybe just admitting to myself finally....
but most of all, about Ocean......
ugh, i'll be back to later to sort thru it all....
New2This3
New member
transitional period
on my lunch break and figured i should try to unload some of my thoughts that keep weighing me down....
my divorce hearing is this Friday morning.... I anticipate that it won't be long or very eventful, since its an uncontested divorce. Stone has been off and on about whether he is going to attend....last he told me, during one of his low points, was that he didn't want to go because he feared he'd end up making a scene, begging for me to not go through with it....(i dont even think legally it would be possible at the hearing to withdraw at this point but thats besides the point).... *sigh* i think i'm just anxious overall for the hearing itself in general.
I haven't heard from Stone since yesterday afternoon.... that's been unusual of him since he's almost always finds a reason to text me everyday....last time it was like this (the silent treatment) was back in July I believe, before the big "turn" of events occurred.... i'm not sure what to make of it... I'm grateful for the lack of drama, but also kinda nervous tbh....i feel anxious that this big bomb of sorts is about to drop smack in the middle of my lap without me being prepared for it..... thats the best way i can describe this current gut feeling when it comes to him and this divorce and just the whole situation....
anyone here believe in "signs" or "omens" or things of that nature? i sorta do... one way is through numbers.... well, back on what was supposed to be my 5th year wedding anniversary, (in the beginning of july) I decided to go on a solo hiking trip to get away from everything and everyone....especially Stone because I knew he would try to reach out to me and just share memories of us and our wedding that would bring me down.... so anyways, while on that trip, I got gasoline four times...each time I tried pumping $10 worth of gas into my car....and each time i let go of the nozzle, it landed on $10.01..... can't be mere coincidence right?
i bring that up because Oct. 1st is around the corner.... that day will be exactly one year since Kiwi moved into her new apartment.... and coupled with the $10.01 showing up four times, my divorce going through before that day....I feel as though something huge is going to happen.... gut feeling...
hopefully its something positive and not negative...
or hopefully i'm wrong and nothing major happens at all...
-_-
I went to see Flame yesterday evening....2 hr drive, wasn't too bad... but i think I had my expectations a little to high for the first initial "reunion".... i mean, we hadn't seen each other in about a month.... yeah, its mostly just sexual, BUT i feel like it was just .... lacking this time... i can't put my finger on it... it still was awesome in its own ways... i enjoy spending time with him... i mulled it over in my mind on the drive back home this morning, and my mind kept racing back to Ocean.... there was so much magnetism with him....a lot of energy even in something as simple as looking at each other in the eyes.... It made me wonder if those feelings are what I'm looking for in relationships.... it made me think about what i want in general... I know I don't want to stop seeing Flame right now...but I definitely don't see it going long term.... and i'm not sure that upsets me at all...BUT is that normal? to just continue something until you reach a certain point? on some levels, isn't that just a waste of time? on the other hand, nothing wrong with just enjoying it while it lasts right?
so much thinking going on in this brain of mine ....
I cried too.... I'm not over Ocean... I mean, I know I didn't talk much about him in this blog, but man, I just really fell deep I think.... I mean, I'm not gonna label it, but seriously feel some deep connections with him.... and I mourn it, ugh.... I know the whole situation tied with him and Kiwi and me and Stone is just a total mess..... but all that aside, him as a person <--- thats what I keep going back to.... those two weeks spent getting a taste of who he was first hand as a person, the conversations and flirting, and i didn't mention it before, but we did go on one date... and it was just so amazing in every way.... ugh, I'm trying to move past it....
maybe my mind is imagining it was more than it seemed....maybe i was just caught up in that new energy ..... maybe, maybe, maybe......
I caught myself daydreaming of seeing him again this time next year.... pretending that he ended up getting a divorce from Kiwi.... pretending that he hadn't reached out to me out of fear I'd reject him for how things ended up this past few months....
*sigh* on the flip side, I told myself that daydreaming about those kinds of things are pointless....it'll only torture myself more, and I just need to move on....
does one always get closure on the "could have been"s..... ?
focusing has not been one of my strong suits....its something I need to work on.... I have a lot of areas of my life that need sorting out. I need to work on those areas and stop dwelling on the things I have no control over.... thats a weakness of mine.... First step is admitting it, now to take some action.
I've also been fighting the urge to go back to online dating.... I'm so used to doing things as an "escape" from reality....and as I said, I need to focus.... and online dating right now would just be a distraction.... but its so tempting **pouts**
I gotta get back to work.... I swear theres more I needed to let out....but just that portion of it helped....
later everyone!
on my lunch break and figured i should try to unload some of my thoughts that keep weighing me down....
my divorce hearing is this Friday morning.... I anticipate that it won't be long or very eventful, since its an uncontested divorce. Stone has been off and on about whether he is going to attend....last he told me, during one of his low points, was that he didn't want to go because he feared he'd end up making a scene, begging for me to not go through with it....(i dont even think legally it would be possible at the hearing to withdraw at this point but thats besides the point).... *sigh* i think i'm just anxious overall for the hearing itself in general.
I haven't heard from Stone since yesterday afternoon.... that's been unusual of him since he's almost always finds a reason to text me everyday....last time it was like this (the silent treatment) was back in July I believe, before the big "turn" of events occurred.... i'm not sure what to make of it... I'm grateful for the lack of drama, but also kinda nervous tbh....i feel anxious that this big bomb of sorts is about to drop smack in the middle of my lap without me being prepared for it..... thats the best way i can describe this current gut feeling when it comes to him and this divorce and just the whole situation....
anyone here believe in "signs" or "omens" or things of that nature? i sorta do... one way is through numbers.... well, back on what was supposed to be my 5th year wedding anniversary, (in the beginning of july) I decided to go on a solo hiking trip to get away from everything and everyone....especially Stone because I knew he would try to reach out to me and just share memories of us and our wedding that would bring me down.... so anyways, while on that trip, I got gasoline four times...each time I tried pumping $10 worth of gas into my car....and each time i let go of the nozzle, it landed on $10.01..... can't be mere coincidence right?
i bring that up because Oct. 1st is around the corner.... that day will be exactly one year since Kiwi moved into her new apartment.... and coupled with the $10.01 showing up four times, my divorce going through before that day....I feel as though something huge is going to happen.... gut feeling...
hopefully its something positive and not negative...
or hopefully i'm wrong and nothing major happens at all...
-_-
I went to see Flame yesterday evening....2 hr drive, wasn't too bad... but i think I had my expectations a little to high for the first initial "reunion".... i mean, we hadn't seen each other in about a month.... yeah, its mostly just sexual, BUT i feel like it was just .... lacking this time... i can't put my finger on it... it still was awesome in its own ways... i enjoy spending time with him... i mulled it over in my mind on the drive back home this morning, and my mind kept racing back to Ocean.... there was so much magnetism with him....a lot of energy even in something as simple as looking at each other in the eyes.... It made me wonder if those feelings are what I'm looking for in relationships.... it made me think about what i want in general... I know I don't want to stop seeing Flame right now...but I definitely don't see it going long term.... and i'm not sure that upsets me at all...BUT is that normal? to just continue something until you reach a certain point? on some levels, isn't that just a waste of time? on the other hand, nothing wrong with just enjoying it while it lasts right?
so much thinking going on in this brain of mine ....
I cried too.... I'm not over Ocean... I mean, I know I didn't talk much about him in this blog, but man, I just really fell deep I think.... I mean, I'm not gonna label it, but seriously feel some deep connections with him.... and I mourn it, ugh.... I know the whole situation tied with him and Kiwi and me and Stone is just a total mess..... but all that aside, him as a person <--- thats what I keep going back to.... those two weeks spent getting a taste of who he was first hand as a person, the conversations and flirting, and i didn't mention it before, but we did go on one date... and it was just so amazing in every way.... ugh, I'm trying to move past it....
maybe my mind is imagining it was more than it seemed....maybe i was just caught up in that new energy ..... maybe, maybe, maybe......
I caught myself daydreaming of seeing him again this time next year.... pretending that he ended up getting a divorce from Kiwi.... pretending that he hadn't reached out to me out of fear I'd reject him for how things ended up this past few months....
*sigh* on the flip side, I told myself that daydreaming about those kinds of things are pointless....it'll only torture myself more, and I just need to move on....
does one always get closure on the "could have been"s..... ?
focusing has not been one of my strong suits....its something I need to work on.... I have a lot of areas of my life that need sorting out. I need to work on those areas and stop dwelling on the things I have no control over.... thats a weakness of mine.... First step is admitting it, now to take some action.
I've also been fighting the urge to go back to online dating.... I'm so used to doing things as an "escape" from reality....and as I said, I need to focus.... and online dating right now would just be a distraction.... but its so tempting **pouts**
I gotta get back to work.... I swear theres more I needed to let out....but just that portion of it helped....
later everyone!
powerpuffgrl1969
Active member
"Closure" is a myth.
Ocean is so tantalizing because he is so bad for you. Regardless of him as a person, the whole environment he is in is a disaster. If you are really, REALLY tired of the drama, just leave him alone.
Ocean is so tantalizing because he is so bad for you. Regardless of him as a person, the whole environment he is in is a disaster. If you are really, REALLY tired of the drama, just leave him alone.
New2This3
New member
i can't argue with you there... :-/
anamikanon
New member
Just read your whole blog.
*big hug*
*big hug*
New2This3
New member
I'm back.
Seems I have a knack for disappearing for awhile then coming back to recap... my apologies.
Well. It's been almost a year since I've been here and posted anything. Obviously a lot can happen in a year lol
I think I'll do a short version of recapping and then come back to post some details on certain things. I remember loving being a part of this community, tho my participation was minimal... I'd like to change that now.
So. As far as the dynamics between Stone and Kiwi and I... it's pretty much remained nonexistent. I kept my word at leaving Kiwi and Ocean alone while they worked on their marriage. I know a few tidbits over the year about Kiwi, only because her and Stone seemed to have continued their back and forth. But I stayed away, cut ties and didn't look back. I still feel that one day, Ocean will reach out to me again. But for now, I honestly am fine as things are.
Stone and I had a lot of ups and downs after our divorce was finalized. I would say somewhere around March of this year is when I believe he started to accept how things were now and really see the effects of his past decisions. He still claims to be very much in love with us both. But I think he's accepted that my feelings have changed and there's no longer a future for us in the way he would like. We have still been able to coparent our kids in a very good and positive cooperative way. Which I feel very fortunate for. I grew up in a divorced home, and I remember all too well how toxic and negative it all was... so I'm grateful to be able to be civil with him so soon after the divorce. I continue to pray we'll be able to coparent them positively all their lives.
Flame and I continued our fling up until early December... his sons mother came back into the picture and he decided he wanted to give it a shot.
**side note.... I just realized how ironic that is now go figure... lol**
I went thru the holidays... dated here and there... work. Play. More work... Life.
Around April, I started a fwb type fling with a much older guy. That's been ....interesting. I'll figure out a nickname for him and post more details later.
Then much more recently, Flame showed up again. His sons mother left again, and he wasn't sure I would want to talk with him again or not. We covered some basics and hung out again and had a great time so I told him I'd like to continue.... no labels again... so I suppose it's more of a fwb fling as well. I have a few things I'd like to mention in detail when it comes to him so that'll be forthcoming also.
As for me and other aspects of my life... I've gotten into artwork again. I used to be heavily involved in music and art in high school and kinda just let it fall off to the background thru college and whatnot. But I actually have my stepdad and Flame to thank for the spark (haha)... my stepdad gave me pieces of scrap wood and said I should make something out of them... at the time I was hanging with Flame and decided to make him something... it came out great and inspired me to continue it... I guess it's true when they say after a divorce, you should take the time to follow your heart and passions or whatnot...
My career and day job has always brought me half happiness... at one point I was seeing a therapist and she pointed out that half of my "state of mind" was because of my job... it's a love/hate relationship... I almost always get to a point where I'm weighing out my options on why I should stay or why I need to leave.... but then I always end up staying...
Well for the last month or so, my art has really kicked off... and I am almost certain I don't want to continue in my current field anymore and eventually do art full time...
I also know that realistically, it'll take time to get to a point where I can do that... lol so for how, I'm staying at my job and doing the art thing on the side. Trying to build it up etc.
I've also started writing an ebook. That's got me excited.
And I've been doing other things I love too... like hiking and day trips and whatnot. It's been a roller coaster of a year, but I'm growing and learning.
Well I think I'll stop there for now. I'm glad to be back. Good night everyone. <3
Seems I have a knack for disappearing for awhile then coming back to recap... my apologies.
Well. It's been almost a year since I've been here and posted anything. Obviously a lot can happen in a year lol
I think I'll do a short version of recapping and then come back to post some details on certain things. I remember loving being a part of this community, tho my participation was minimal... I'd like to change that now.
So. As far as the dynamics between Stone and Kiwi and I... it's pretty much remained nonexistent. I kept my word at leaving Kiwi and Ocean alone while they worked on their marriage. I know a few tidbits over the year about Kiwi, only because her and Stone seemed to have continued their back and forth. But I stayed away, cut ties and didn't look back. I still feel that one day, Ocean will reach out to me again. But for now, I honestly am fine as things are.
Stone and I had a lot of ups and downs after our divorce was finalized. I would say somewhere around March of this year is when I believe he started to accept how things were now and really see the effects of his past decisions. He still claims to be very much in love with us both. But I think he's accepted that my feelings have changed and there's no longer a future for us in the way he would like. We have still been able to coparent our kids in a very good and positive cooperative way. Which I feel very fortunate for. I grew up in a divorced home, and I remember all too well how toxic and negative it all was... so I'm grateful to be able to be civil with him so soon after the divorce. I continue to pray we'll be able to coparent them positively all their lives.
Flame and I continued our fling up until early December... his sons mother came back into the picture and he decided he wanted to give it a shot.
**side note.... I just realized how ironic that is now go figure... lol**
I went thru the holidays... dated here and there... work. Play. More work... Life.
Around April, I started a fwb type fling with a much older guy. That's been ....interesting. I'll figure out a nickname for him and post more details later.
Then much more recently, Flame showed up again. His sons mother left again, and he wasn't sure I would want to talk with him again or not. We covered some basics and hung out again and had a great time so I told him I'd like to continue.... no labels again... so I suppose it's more of a fwb fling as well. I have a few things I'd like to mention in detail when it comes to him so that'll be forthcoming also.
As for me and other aspects of my life... I've gotten into artwork again. I used to be heavily involved in music and art in high school and kinda just let it fall off to the background thru college and whatnot. But I actually have my stepdad and Flame to thank for the spark (haha)... my stepdad gave me pieces of scrap wood and said I should make something out of them... at the time I was hanging with Flame and decided to make him something... it came out great and inspired me to continue it... I guess it's true when they say after a divorce, you should take the time to follow your heart and passions or whatnot...
My career and day job has always brought me half happiness... at one point I was seeing a therapist and she pointed out that half of my "state of mind" was because of my job... it's a love/hate relationship... I almost always get to a point where I'm weighing out my options on why I should stay or why I need to leave.... but then I always end up staying...
Well for the last month or so, my art has really kicked off... and I am almost certain I don't want to continue in my current field anymore and eventually do art full time...
I also know that realistically, it'll take time to get to a point where I can do that... lol so for how, I'm staying at my job and doing the art thing on the side. Trying to build it up etc.
I've also started writing an ebook. That's got me excited.
And I've been doing other things I love too... like hiking and day trips and whatnot. It's been a roller coaster of a year, but I'm growing and learning.
Well I think I'll stop there for now. I'm glad to be back. Good night everyone. <3
New2This3
New member
New2This3
New member
Dreams have meaning
I once had a dream my daughter was unconscious in the hospital. My ex and his parents were there and my parents too. We were waiting in the waiting room for news. The doctors came out and we ran up to them, and they said we don't have any good or bad news... she's still unconscious but you can go see her now. We went in the room crying and stood by her bedside. The nurse was administering medicine to her... out of nowhere her eyes flung open and she took a deep breathe... she was finally awake... the nurse called for the doctor and we were all crying even more but tears of joy now that she was awake... and then I woke up.
I started texting a few people close to me at the time... telling them to be careful today. That I felt something was off. A few hours later at work, my ex called me and told me his brother and his fiancé and two kids were in a car accident that night. A backhoe hit the side of their truck, totaled it... they walked away with scratches and bruises but his brother got a deep cut in his arm and was unconscious for most of the night. Had just woken up that morning.
I was spooked cuz of my dream. But glad they were okay.
I've had a few other dreams that have in some way come true. So I try to keep a dream journal when I remember them. I dreamt about Flames' sons mother asking him to try again at working things out between them. And few weeks later, turned out it was true.
I also think I have a strong connection with my daughter. She shows up in my dreams a LOT... giving me messages or representing something or another in some way... I still have yet to become fully aware of what that means but I guess over time I'll figure it out or maybe I never will, who knows.
Anytime I dream of Kiwi and Stone, I write it down. I feel as though whenever it happens, something is going on in her life. It's usually the case with Stone. I dreamt I was hanging out with him the kids and another woman at one point... the following week, he had a lady friend come with him to something we did with kids.
I've only dreamt of Ocean maybe three times in the past year (since we stopped talking). The last time I did was about a month ago... it was of a sit down talk between Stone, Kiwi, Ocean and I. He sat across from me and avoided eye contact. Stone acted as mediator... which is out of character for him and usually my roll. He mentioned we were all there because he and Kiwi decided to get back together, and given all our history, it just seemed more beneficial to meet together and talk things out, set boundaries if needed, and go over schedules with the kids. We would all be involved now whether we liked it or not because we had to raise them together. I stared at him blankly. Felt rage boil up inside... and then Kiwi broke the silence. She mentioned not being able to make peace with me because of how our friendship ended. I gave her a thumbs up and said nothing. There was silence again and still I refrained from saying anything, just stared down at the table. When I looked up again, Ocean was staring at me. I held his glare and then woke up.
I've waited to see if it's meant anything but I've heard nothing still. I'm not going to seek him or her out. Stone has given up chasing her (thank god). If I'm going to be honest with myself though? I know eventually they will be back in our lives one way or another. I want to say that I hope they never do. And it's partly true. I definitely don't want ANY of the drama... and I get extremely upset when I think of her getting back with him. But I don't think it's because I'm jealous of their love... I think all bullshit and drama aside, they are twin flames. I may have only mentioned the negative stuff in this blog/thread.... but I do believe that in my soul. I think the anger just comes from how much we went thru... HOW everything played out. So much pain. Only for them to end up together again? Idk. I'm still trying to figure out my emotions from it all I suppose. I don't think I'll ever get closure. There are weeks that go by where I feel I've accepted it for what it was and how it played out... but then I have my low days where the pain is fresh and vibrant within.
On another note, I was a bit taken aback when Flame reached out to me again. But I sorta "saw" it coming as well. I know that may seem weird but gut feelings are real right? They seem to be with me. I can't go into Flame without mentioned the older man I'm dating. Let's call him Twist....
I once had a dream my daughter was unconscious in the hospital. My ex and his parents were there and my parents too. We were waiting in the waiting room for news. The doctors came out and we ran up to them, and they said we don't have any good or bad news... she's still unconscious but you can go see her now. We went in the room crying and stood by her bedside. The nurse was administering medicine to her... out of nowhere her eyes flung open and she took a deep breathe... she was finally awake... the nurse called for the doctor and we were all crying even more but tears of joy now that she was awake... and then I woke up.
I started texting a few people close to me at the time... telling them to be careful today. That I felt something was off. A few hours later at work, my ex called me and told me his brother and his fiancé and two kids were in a car accident that night. A backhoe hit the side of their truck, totaled it... they walked away with scratches and bruises but his brother got a deep cut in his arm and was unconscious for most of the night. Had just woken up that morning.
I was spooked cuz of my dream. But glad they were okay.
I've had a few other dreams that have in some way come true. So I try to keep a dream journal when I remember them. I dreamt about Flames' sons mother asking him to try again at working things out between them. And few weeks later, turned out it was true.
I also think I have a strong connection with my daughter. She shows up in my dreams a LOT... giving me messages or representing something or another in some way... I still have yet to become fully aware of what that means but I guess over time I'll figure it out or maybe I never will, who knows.
Anytime I dream of Kiwi and Stone, I write it down. I feel as though whenever it happens, something is going on in her life. It's usually the case with Stone. I dreamt I was hanging out with him the kids and another woman at one point... the following week, he had a lady friend come with him to something we did with kids.
I've only dreamt of Ocean maybe three times in the past year (since we stopped talking). The last time I did was about a month ago... it was of a sit down talk between Stone, Kiwi, Ocean and I. He sat across from me and avoided eye contact. Stone acted as mediator... which is out of character for him and usually my roll. He mentioned we were all there because he and Kiwi decided to get back together, and given all our history, it just seemed more beneficial to meet together and talk things out, set boundaries if needed, and go over schedules with the kids. We would all be involved now whether we liked it or not because we had to raise them together. I stared at him blankly. Felt rage boil up inside... and then Kiwi broke the silence. She mentioned not being able to make peace with me because of how our friendship ended. I gave her a thumbs up and said nothing. There was silence again and still I refrained from saying anything, just stared down at the table. When I looked up again, Ocean was staring at me. I held his glare and then woke up.
I've waited to see if it's meant anything but I've heard nothing still. I'm not going to seek him or her out. Stone has given up chasing her (thank god). If I'm going to be honest with myself though? I know eventually they will be back in our lives one way or another. I want to say that I hope they never do. And it's partly true. I definitely don't want ANY of the drama... and I get extremely upset when I think of her getting back with him. But I don't think it's because I'm jealous of their love... I think all bullshit and drama aside, they are twin flames. I may have only mentioned the negative stuff in this blog/thread.... but I do believe that in my soul. I think the anger just comes from how much we went thru... HOW everything played out. So much pain. Only for them to end up together again? Idk. I'm still trying to figure out my emotions from it all I suppose. I don't think I'll ever get closure. There are weeks that go by where I feel I've accepted it for what it was and how it played out... but then I have my low days where the pain is fresh and vibrant within.
On another note, I was a bit taken aback when Flame reached out to me again. But I sorta "saw" it coming as well. I know that may seem weird but gut feelings are real right? They seem to be with me. I can't go into Flame without mentioned the older man I'm dating. Let's call him Twist....
New2This3
New member
Twist...
I've been off and on a few dating sites throughout the past year. I met Twist on one of them. At the time, I was in one of my "this online dating sh*t is bull****" moods... but I had established a rule for myself that I wouldn't date anyone who lived in my small town, even County if I'm gonna be honest... so I reluctantly kept my profiles up and running... When I get into these moods tho, the sarcasm comes out lol And so I decided to try an experiment for shits and giggles... I purposefully changed my info to be incorrect and openly and sarcastically stated so in my "about me" section... it's actually one of my more favorite attempts at expressing my personality thru a digital screen... and it was so effective! Lol the response rate tripled and I had some amazing conversations because of it. Met a few interesting people too... nothing ever came of it though...
Except for Twist... who read it and "just had to meet this girl" haha... the vibe thru messages seemed alright so I went with my gut and meet up with him for a date.
Twist is in a lot of ways compatible with me. The age difference bothers me, and the fact that it bothers me bothers me. lol I hate to be **that** person but I'd be lying if I said it didn't. We go on dates when our schedules allow. He's very much a kid at heart and a lot of fun. I explained a little about where I am in life, and he didn't seemed bothered by my terms so we've carried on. There are moments he says he's crazy about me. It makes me want to run.... Which makes me completely aware that I don't want nor am I ready for love or a serious relationship right now.
Side note: I went through the terminology on morethantwo.com and I suppose I'm an ethical slut at the moment... ? Hmmm. That doesn't sit well with me but it's sort of true. I'm just selective though. And definitely not ready for long term relationships.... Solo poly was a term that made me think. Idk, I'm still learning about it all and about what I ultimately identify with.
So back to Twist... so I suppose he's been a FWB. Though we've only been intimate once. We don't see each other often as it is so that isn't alarming to me... I'm fine with it. It didn't rock my soul. Ugh that makes me frown though. Does every "connection" **have** to be sexually amazing? Half the time I feel like I'm overthinking it. I should just be going with the flow and letting it just be what it is ... after all, I don't want it to be more than what it is, so why fret.. right? Or would that be me just settling? Idk...he on the other hand, definitely is physically attracted to me, and shows it... but half the time, it doesn't do anything for me. My gut tells me he should just be a friend. I just don't know how to approach it. I know he wants more than just friendship. Ugh this sucks already... I got some thinking to do on it.
On a different note... I mentioned that I couldn't talk about Flame without talking about Twist first and here's what I meant by that.... the first two dates with Twist were soooo much fun, and the conversations between the dates thru messages were fun as well... lots of laughs and awesomeness.... and the whole time though... my gut kept telling me, through the mist of all this fun with this dude, something from my past will come back... and I knew in my gut that the "something" was gonna be Flame... it wasn't like anything solid or hope or whatever... but more like a feeling I couldn't shake... and when I would let that feeling ride out, my thoughts would turn to Ocean... but my gut would be like nope not him... then I'd think well maybe it's Flame... and my gut would be like, yuppers!!
lol ::sigh:: still... I didn't expect it at all when it happened.
I've been off and on a few dating sites throughout the past year. I met Twist on one of them. At the time, I was in one of my "this online dating sh*t is bull****" moods... but I had established a rule for myself that I wouldn't date anyone who lived in my small town, even County if I'm gonna be honest... so I reluctantly kept my profiles up and running... When I get into these moods tho, the sarcasm comes out lol And so I decided to try an experiment for shits and giggles... I purposefully changed my info to be incorrect and openly and sarcastically stated so in my "about me" section... it's actually one of my more favorite attempts at expressing my personality thru a digital screen... and it was so effective! Lol the response rate tripled and I had some amazing conversations because of it. Met a few interesting people too... nothing ever came of it though...
Except for Twist... who read it and "just had to meet this girl" haha... the vibe thru messages seemed alright so I went with my gut and meet up with him for a date.
Twist is in a lot of ways compatible with me. The age difference bothers me, and the fact that it bothers me bothers me. lol I hate to be **that** person but I'd be lying if I said it didn't. We go on dates when our schedules allow. He's very much a kid at heart and a lot of fun. I explained a little about where I am in life, and he didn't seemed bothered by my terms so we've carried on. There are moments he says he's crazy about me. It makes me want to run.... Which makes me completely aware that I don't want nor am I ready for love or a serious relationship right now.
Side note: I went through the terminology on morethantwo.com and I suppose I'm an ethical slut at the moment... ? Hmmm. That doesn't sit well with me but it's sort of true. I'm just selective though. And definitely not ready for long term relationships.... Solo poly was a term that made me think. Idk, I'm still learning about it all and about what I ultimately identify with.
So back to Twist... so I suppose he's been a FWB. Though we've only been intimate once. We don't see each other often as it is so that isn't alarming to me... I'm fine with it. It didn't rock my soul. Ugh that makes me frown though. Does every "connection" **have** to be sexually amazing? Half the time I feel like I'm overthinking it. I should just be going with the flow and letting it just be what it is ... after all, I don't want it to be more than what it is, so why fret.. right? Or would that be me just settling? Idk...he on the other hand, definitely is physically attracted to me, and shows it... but half the time, it doesn't do anything for me. My gut tells me he should just be a friend. I just don't know how to approach it. I know he wants more than just friendship. Ugh this sucks already... I got some thinking to do on it.
On a different note... I mentioned that I couldn't talk about Flame without talking about Twist first and here's what I meant by that.... the first two dates with Twist were soooo much fun, and the conversations between the dates thru messages were fun as well... lots of laughs and awesomeness.... and the whole time though... my gut kept telling me, through the mist of all this fun with this dude, something from my past will come back... and I knew in my gut that the "something" was gonna be Flame... it wasn't like anything solid or hope or whatever... but more like a feeling I couldn't shake... and when I would let that feeling ride out, my thoughts would turn to Ocean... but my gut would be like nope not him... then I'd think well maybe it's Flame... and my gut would be like, yuppers!!
lol ::sigh:: still... I didn't expect it at all when it happened.
New2This3
New member
Flame
It was thru a dating site again... go figure. Twist and I started talking around April.... around June, one of my dating profiles was going to expire so I just let it...
Side bar again... lol
June was such an emotional roller coaster... I went on a road trip with a friend and that ended up causing another friendship of mine to end... I won't go into too much detail, but I feel like I just really let her down. It crushed and bothered me so much because I always have tried to be a good friend to others, and ever since I moved into my own apartment, I've put up all these walls and have been so guarded and so "now I gotta do what is best for me and what I want rather than put everyone else first".... but then suddenly I ended up being a bit too selfish without realizing it. I feel like because of that, it caused one of my closest friends to end our friendship. Ugh... that ending caused some dark days... at the same time, Stone had his lady friend, and she was staying at his house and the kids would talk about her and all these negative emotions surfaced .... and it was a year since I moved out and got my own apartment... a year since I officially filed for divorce... and my ex-anniversary was approaching as well in July... plus I made the decision that I most definitely wanted to just change careers eventually... that I no longer desired staying with my current job long term.... but I can't just up and leave because what I want to do will take time to build up and I gotta pay my bills somehow.... ugh smh, I was unrecognizable... but I could recognize that I was acting abnormally...emotionally.... it was such a weird feeling... knowing what you're feeling and why yet not knowing why at all.... I don't know if that makes sense, but I digress.
So. Back to Flame... I had this Emotional roller coaster going. A lot of cancelled plans. Distance, solitude and sulking. But somehow, I made it thru. It was around this time that I decided I needed more interaction again instead of just Twist... so I decided to reactivate my online profile that had expired...
Literally ten minutes later I get a message. I kid you not, it was Flame... TEN MINUTES. I mean come on universe, what are the chances? Ten minutes after I'm back online?? He says he wasn't looking for me... he'd had his profile on there before so I believe him... he's on there a lot... ::shrugs::
He messaged me "hey"
And I didn't think twice... I saw it and immediately responded "hey"
And it was then that I knew we would be back to being a fling lol he asked how I was doing, I responded, asked him how he was, he told me what happened and that he was single again. I asked if he was free at the moment, he said yes... so I asked if he wanted to hang out and catch up and so we did....
It was such an amazing feeling hanging with him again.
Oh Flame. How do I explain all the ways you make me feel.... hmmmm.... lol
Back when I introduced Flame... he was more of a sexual fling, not necessarily a f**kbuddy but slightly less than FWB... he asked me to be sexually exclusive with him and I had agreed... it was right after Ocean cut me off for good and my divorce was being finalized and I just was emotionally unavailable so it seemed to fit for where I was in life. We weren't a secret but we weren't exactly showcasing our "arrangement" to the world, which after all the drama I had been through, I welcomed enthusiastically....
Except I probably shouldn't have agreed to be exclusive .... for the same reasons... I emotionally closed myself off but at the same time, locked myself in to only one guy.... I should have either stayed non exclusive or been alone altogether with no contact at all lol ... you live and you learn tho.... the intimacy with Flame was (and still is) amazing. Top of my list of experiences/sexual compatibility if not the best I've had. Add to that the exclusivity, and suddenly I found myself becoming attached.... trying to close myself off emotionally backfired... I felt like I was starting to fall for him... or maybe just wanted more of a deeper connection than what we had... more affection in other ways other than sexually... idk.. but I was getting into one of my overthinking it again modes... then I had the dream about his sons mother... and as I said earlier, turned out to be true, and so we ended things.... not terribly but not exactly great either... so I did feel a bit sour when he popped back into my life again...
He's a dominant type. I wouldn't say we do any of the hardcore BDSM stuff but he definitely likes being in control. I myself am a submissive. Again, I don't know any of the BDSM terms or have really explored into it .... I just know when I make that certain connection, I want to do what he wants me to do... It turns me on, obeying... knowing that my obedience turns him on... I don't make the connection with everyone... definitely not with Twist... I didn't make it with Ocean... it's different with them. With Stone, yes. And only a few others in my past. That's it. I can't force it either... I tried that with a very short fling with someone... they liked being in control, so I figured it would work... but I found myself wanting to stop very quickly before it really even began... just all seemed wrong. If anyone has any insight or resources to share to help me sort that all out in my head, I'd appreciate it
Flame has me sooo sucked in. I think I would try anything he wanted to explore. In other aspects, I know now that the "feelings" I thought i was developing before for him were merely reboundish feelings if that makes sense. I feel in some ways we are compatible. I don't think anything more serious could work for us. I wouldn't want to be in a monogamous relationship with him. And he values loyalty and faithfulness if he's in a relationship. I don't think he's poly. He seems to be just fine now though. But I think it's because to him, we aren't in an actual relationship, so it's okay.
I often wonder why people get so caught up in labels. Blows my mind. Relationships and connections and friendships and interactions are only as complicated as you make them ... plain and simple. Right?
Anywho...There are moments I can see Flame and I being life partners... but again, there's a label that I probably am not using in its normal way... I suppose I mean, the way things are right now between him and I, ongoing, for life... hanging out when time allows, amazing sex, enough freedom for ourselves, nonexclusive, yet open and honest, yet a sort of DADT type of thing mixed in there too, though we didn't outright say it would be that way. But I'd be perfectly content if that stayed our dynamic for long term.... eh but we shall see though. Life always likes to throw my curveballs when I least expect it.
Which leads me to another gut feeling... when Twist came into my life, my gut said Flame would return.... and when Flame did return.... my gut said next up, Ocean....
About 90% of me hopes that this time, I'm wrong.
Time for bed now.. good night! <3
It was thru a dating site again... go figure. Twist and I started talking around April.... around June, one of my dating profiles was going to expire so I just let it...
Side bar again... lol
June was such an emotional roller coaster... I went on a road trip with a friend and that ended up causing another friendship of mine to end... I won't go into too much detail, but I feel like I just really let her down. It crushed and bothered me so much because I always have tried to be a good friend to others, and ever since I moved into my own apartment, I've put up all these walls and have been so guarded and so "now I gotta do what is best for me and what I want rather than put everyone else first".... but then suddenly I ended up being a bit too selfish without realizing it. I feel like because of that, it caused one of my closest friends to end our friendship. Ugh... that ending caused some dark days... at the same time, Stone had his lady friend, and she was staying at his house and the kids would talk about her and all these negative emotions surfaced .... and it was a year since I moved out and got my own apartment... a year since I officially filed for divorce... and my ex-anniversary was approaching as well in July... plus I made the decision that I most definitely wanted to just change careers eventually... that I no longer desired staying with my current job long term.... but I can't just up and leave because what I want to do will take time to build up and I gotta pay my bills somehow.... ugh smh, I was unrecognizable... but I could recognize that I was acting abnormally...emotionally.... it was such a weird feeling... knowing what you're feeling and why yet not knowing why at all.... I don't know if that makes sense, but I digress.
So. Back to Flame... I had this Emotional roller coaster going. A lot of cancelled plans. Distance, solitude and sulking. But somehow, I made it thru. It was around this time that I decided I needed more interaction again instead of just Twist... so I decided to reactivate my online profile that had expired...
Literally ten minutes later I get a message. I kid you not, it was Flame... TEN MINUTES. I mean come on universe, what are the chances? Ten minutes after I'm back online?? He says he wasn't looking for me... he'd had his profile on there before so I believe him... he's on there a lot... ::shrugs::
He messaged me "hey"
And I didn't think twice... I saw it and immediately responded "hey"
And it was then that I knew we would be back to being a fling lol he asked how I was doing, I responded, asked him how he was, he told me what happened and that he was single again. I asked if he was free at the moment, he said yes... so I asked if he wanted to hang out and catch up and so we did....
It was such an amazing feeling hanging with him again.
Oh Flame. How do I explain all the ways you make me feel.... hmmmm.... lol
Back when I introduced Flame... he was more of a sexual fling, not necessarily a f**kbuddy but slightly less than FWB... he asked me to be sexually exclusive with him and I had agreed... it was right after Ocean cut me off for good and my divorce was being finalized and I just was emotionally unavailable so it seemed to fit for where I was in life. We weren't a secret but we weren't exactly showcasing our "arrangement" to the world, which after all the drama I had been through, I welcomed enthusiastically....
Except I probably shouldn't have agreed to be exclusive .... for the same reasons... I emotionally closed myself off but at the same time, locked myself in to only one guy.... I should have either stayed non exclusive or been alone altogether with no contact at all lol ... you live and you learn tho.... the intimacy with Flame was (and still is) amazing. Top of my list of experiences/sexual compatibility if not the best I've had. Add to that the exclusivity, and suddenly I found myself becoming attached.... trying to close myself off emotionally backfired... I felt like I was starting to fall for him... or maybe just wanted more of a deeper connection than what we had... more affection in other ways other than sexually... idk.. but I was getting into one of my overthinking it again modes... then I had the dream about his sons mother... and as I said earlier, turned out to be true, and so we ended things.... not terribly but not exactly great either... so I did feel a bit sour when he popped back into my life again...
He's a dominant type. I wouldn't say we do any of the hardcore BDSM stuff but he definitely likes being in control. I myself am a submissive. Again, I don't know any of the BDSM terms or have really explored into it .... I just know when I make that certain connection, I want to do what he wants me to do... It turns me on, obeying... knowing that my obedience turns him on... I don't make the connection with everyone... definitely not with Twist... I didn't make it with Ocean... it's different with them. With Stone, yes. And only a few others in my past. That's it. I can't force it either... I tried that with a very short fling with someone... they liked being in control, so I figured it would work... but I found myself wanting to stop very quickly before it really even began... just all seemed wrong. If anyone has any insight or resources to share to help me sort that all out in my head, I'd appreciate it
Flame has me sooo sucked in. I think I would try anything he wanted to explore. In other aspects, I know now that the "feelings" I thought i was developing before for him were merely reboundish feelings if that makes sense. I feel in some ways we are compatible. I don't think anything more serious could work for us. I wouldn't want to be in a monogamous relationship with him. And he values loyalty and faithfulness if he's in a relationship. I don't think he's poly. He seems to be just fine now though. But I think it's because to him, we aren't in an actual relationship, so it's okay.
I often wonder why people get so caught up in labels. Blows my mind. Relationships and connections and friendships and interactions are only as complicated as you make them ... plain and simple. Right?
Anywho...There are moments I can see Flame and I being life partners... but again, there's a label that I probably am not using in its normal way... I suppose I mean, the way things are right now between him and I, ongoing, for life... hanging out when time allows, amazing sex, enough freedom for ourselves, nonexclusive, yet open and honest, yet a sort of DADT type of thing mixed in there too, though we didn't outright say it would be that way. But I'd be perfectly content if that stayed our dynamic for long term.... eh but we shall see though. Life always likes to throw my curveballs when I least expect it.
Which leads me to another gut feeling... when Twist came into my life, my gut said Flame would return.... and when Flame did return.... my gut said next up, Ocean....
About 90% of me hopes that this time, I'm wrong.
Time for bed now.. good night! <3
New2This3
New member
Random morning thoughts
Today is moving day for me. I'm exhausted, yet excited for a new environment... I spent last night packing. Took me a half a day total to get everything into boxes/bags. Then again, I didn't really sort or organize anything. Figured I'd do that when I unpacked. Maybe that makes me a sloppy mover? Lol who knows
I've had my art business on my mind a lot. Researching the nitty gritty stuff and organizational tips, etc. sometimes it can get overwhelming. I'll be making it official in a few weeks, obtaining licenses and such. I can't wait! My schooling "story" feels like such a disappointing one to me at times... it will be nice to but "business owner" on my resume
There's been a lot of changes happening around me. Feels like another transition period in my little world. Flame's mother is moving. He's waiting for a house in the next town to be built. My brother just proposed to his gf. My stepsister just had a baby but is having lots of trouble in her marriage. Twist got a promotion at his job but now works even more than before. My mom is having health issues. Stone had been moving to live with a friend of his because his house is up for sheriff sale in a week.... Phew... lots of things happening no matter where I look.
Positive things: I'm planning some road trips in the near future. I want to take my kids down to see my stepbrother about 12 hrs away. Figured I stop to see my stepsister too, the one I mentioned above, since she's on the way down... I realize I'm not super close with my siblings. I suppose sometimes that happens. I just feel like I don't relate to them in a lot of ways. I'm not sure I can explain it. Sometimes it saddens me that we aren't all closer. But in some ways, they live with a lot of drama... and I can definitely do without that.
My birthday is in September... I'm torn with what to do around then as well. I'd like to get away. I'm not sure with who though... and I'm not sure if I wanna celebrate alone.
Ugh so much to organize and plan out still.
I better get started. Hope you all have a good day
Today is moving day for me. I'm exhausted, yet excited for a new environment... I spent last night packing. Took me a half a day total to get everything into boxes/bags. Then again, I didn't really sort or organize anything. Figured I'd do that when I unpacked. Maybe that makes me a sloppy mover? Lol who knows
I've had my art business on my mind a lot. Researching the nitty gritty stuff and organizational tips, etc. sometimes it can get overwhelming. I'll be making it official in a few weeks, obtaining licenses and such. I can't wait! My schooling "story" feels like such a disappointing one to me at times... it will be nice to but "business owner" on my resume
There's been a lot of changes happening around me. Feels like another transition period in my little world. Flame's mother is moving. He's waiting for a house in the next town to be built. My brother just proposed to his gf. My stepsister just had a baby but is having lots of trouble in her marriage. Twist got a promotion at his job but now works even more than before. My mom is having health issues. Stone had been moving to live with a friend of his because his house is up for sheriff sale in a week.... Phew... lots of things happening no matter where I look.
Positive things: I'm planning some road trips in the near future. I want to take my kids down to see my stepbrother about 12 hrs away. Figured I stop to see my stepsister too, the one I mentioned above, since she's on the way down... I realize I'm not super close with my siblings. I suppose sometimes that happens. I just feel like I don't relate to them in a lot of ways. I'm not sure I can explain it. Sometimes it saddens me that we aren't all closer. But in some ways, they live with a lot of drama... and I can definitely do without that.
My birthday is in September... I'm torn with what to do around then as well. I'd like to get away. I'm not sure with who though... and I'm not sure if I wanna celebrate alone.
Ugh so much to organize and plan out still.
I better get started. Hope you all have a good day
New2This3
New member
Updates
Up early today trying to get a few things done. I need to dump some thoughts out though and clear my head a bit.
For one I told Twist I needed to end things with him. It wasn't feeling mutual anymore, I think we were growing in different directions in our little fling. He was sad about it but he reacted very cool though and maturely. He really is a great guy. I'm sad it wasn't completely there for me though. We agreed we would still keep in touch here and there though.
Flame is the only person I'm involved with now. He's been acting weird lately. Can't put my finger on it, and he isn't very open when it comes to "deep" talks. My emotions and thoughts when it comes to him seem to fluctuate. One minute I'm just going with the flow, not really wanted anything more than what it is...and the next I'm overanalyzing every little thing about him and what he does and says to me and wanting more from him than he gives. ::sigh::
So I've been trying to focus on other areas of my life so I don't get consumed by those feelings and thoughts.... I've got a few deadlines for art commissions that I have to work on to meet. Still unpacking from the move.... organizing all aspects of my life.
Okay I'm going get started. Happy Saturday everyone!
Up early today trying to get a few things done. I need to dump some thoughts out though and clear my head a bit.
For one I told Twist I needed to end things with him. It wasn't feeling mutual anymore, I think we were growing in different directions in our little fling. He was sad about it but he reacted very cool though and maturely. He really is a great guy. I'm sad it wasn't completely there for me though. We agreed we would still keep in touch here and there though.
Flame is the only person I'm involved with now. He's been acting weird lately. Can't put my finger on it, and he isn't very open when it comes to "deep" talks. My emotions and thoughts when it comes to him seem to fluctuate. One minute I'm just going with the flow, not really wanted anything more than what it is...and the next I'm overanalyzing every little thing about him and what he does and says to me and wanting more from him than he gives. ::sigh::
So I've been trying to focus on other areas of my life so I don't get consumed by those feelings and thoughts.... I've got a few deadlines for art commissions that I have to work on to meet. Still unpacking from the move.... organizing all aspects of my life.
Okay I'm going get started. Happy Saturday everyone!
I wonder what it is exactly you want to sort out. You want to be submissive with some people, with others, not so much. The world is just fine... or not?I just know when I make that certain connection, I want to do what he wants me to do... It turns me on, obeying... knowing that my obedience turns him on... I don't make the connection with everyone...
If anyone has any insight or resources to share to help me sort that all out in my head, I'd appreciate it