Poly and Potential Positive Partners

Bluebird

Bluebird

Well-known member
I have always and continue to be, negative for both HSV 1 & 2. Both of my husbands are also negative. I have always asked for a full panel of testing that included these viruses so I could speak definitively on my status when dating.

I am now on the brink of starting up with a new partner who just tested positive for HSV 2. Apparently he had no idea that he was positive as he had never had an outbreak. When he checked with his doctor, his previous testing didn't include the herpes testing, so he thought he was negative but could have been positive for a very long time.

I have been trying to read as much as I can, and honestly, I feel like hooking up with him is an acceptable risk as he hasn't had an outbreak and we will be using condoms. I think it's like a 5% chance over the course of a year with that precaution? However, I am not sure how that translates to risk toward my two primary partners.

We have talked about sticking with condoms and then if in 6 months to a year if he hasn't had any outbreaks and he wants to go bareback, having him go on a suppressive med at that time. He is currently without insurance, so that seems like a reasonable time frame to when he will be back on insurance.

Does anyone know if I went on suppressive meds, that would help prevent transmission?

Of course, this is something I am discussing with my husbands. Both are hesitant but open to learning more - DarkKnight has said he trusts my judgment and PunkRock wants to think on how he feels about the idea some more, and do some reading on his own.

How can I best juggle this topic with my guys? I honestly feel like it is less risk sleeping with someone who has shown himself to be upfront and forthright about his status - especially as he is struggling with the shock himself - than finding another partner who may have no idea at all.

I don't see it myself as something terrible and life ending and don't buy into the stigma it carries. Of course, I still don't want to catch anything, if it can be helped, and I definitely want to minimize any issues with my husbands.

My very best friend in the world has herpes 1 & 2. Her outbreaks are just a small rashly patch on the small of her back 3 or 4 times a year. She doesn't take meds or anything for it. I have dated men who had positive partners themselves, and never caught it. I understand though that transmission rates for men from women are lower.

Thoughts? Opinions?

I have made up my mind for myself, but if my husbands continue to be worried, I am not sure what to do.
 
All I can tell you is that I've had three partners that I know of that had HSV2. I was fluid bonded with two of them. The third we used condoms but no protection for oral. I have always tested negative, but I haven't been tested since the last one.
 
For me it would be a deal breaker. I have my husbands sexual health to protect as well as my own.

I would feel absolutely horrible if I gave either one of my guys an STI that they are clear of. My husbands are both monogamous and they are clear or all STIs including HSV1 & 2.

While I understand that is is "just a skin condition" I am not going to risk others.
 
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It's a deal breaker for us until we're all certain we're done making babies. I won't knowingly risk the complications that come with an outbreak during birth for myself/potential children or Hubby/Boy's future partners potential children. Since neither of them have 100% ruled out future procreation with me or a new partner, we've all agreed to be paranoid and overprotective. When we all decide we're done having biological children, then it becomes just a skin condition and not a huge deal. Not great, but not a deal breaker for someone special.
 
I got a cold sore shortly after fluid bonding with a partner who has never had a positive test, and have another partner whom knows he's HSV2 positive. I use barriers for all the things with the latter partner, for several reasons besides his health status. My policy is avoid the affected area when there's an outbreak for a couple weeks, and again barriers.
 
Bluebird said:
I have made up my mind for myself, but if my husbands continue to be worried, I am not sure what to do.
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Hmm. It sounds like going at the pace of DarkKnight and PunkRock's comfort is a reasonable approach. Do you feel like the 6 months probation before bareback is a plan you must have set in stone before you embark on it? Do you need to know the definite next step now?

Can the six months be an information-gathering time for all of you (especially PunkRock)? If he's still not okay with fluid bonding at that point, will you be okay not progressing to fluid bonding with new person, or will you expect PunkRock to start wearing condoms with you if he chooses? What does fluid bonding mean to PunkRock and to you about your dyad relationship (maybe covered by you elsewhere, I don't recall)?

I think I'd probably see if everyone would be willing to go six months (a time period you chose because it seems prudent?) before fluid bonding, and to let that time be low pressure and not a deadline for a decision. Maybe talk about it sometimes, know it's not happening before then, and then see where everyone's feelings about risk lie at that point. There is risk even with barriers, so that's still a risk the guys are taking on, right? And maybe PunkRock comes to see risk levels (however mitigated by prophylactic therapy - I don't know much about that) as acceptable in that time, or he doesn't. Or other people's ideas or needs change.

If new guy or you needs a definite "if/then" about fluid bonding as of a certain date, that is a harder sell, to me. Time will help things be clearer, I think.

That's what occurs to me. I can certainly imagine myself being in a situation like this, if and when I found another partner. Woof is HSV-1 positive since childhood but Mitch and I are negative for both 1 and 2. Woof and I have been kissing (he gets lip sores) for over 20 years, avoided during breakouts, and that practice and admitted risk has been acceptable to all involved. If it weren't, well, I guess Mitch wouldn't have stuck around.
 
I have yet to update my journal, but the six month idea isn't set in stone, and there is zero pressure from the new partner. This situation is new to him as well, and he has no wish to push anything. In general, fluid bonding isn't super special to me, as I usually progress to no condoms fairly quickly in a relationship, as soon as testing is done and I feel secure with my partner. However, in this case, I feel that moving fast would be unsafe, ill-advised and I myself want to meet with my doctor to discuss things. I am not sure how often I should be testing to check my status - I need to talk to my guys more.

PunkRock has said that he will not leave me if I later test positive, but it is expected that I would immediately go on anti-virals if that is the case. It is my understanding that the transmission rate from women to men is significantly lower the other way around.

I need to now talk to the other guy I have been seeing, Greg, and let him know and see if he is interested in sticking around. He has yet to go get tested, so we have not begun a sexual relationship, though we were together 4 years ago. I am going to text him later tonight, as we had a date scheduled on Saturday, and if he is not interested, then I won't waste my day driving down to D.C.
 
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You might want to check with your insurance company to see if the will cover antiviral medication.

A lot will not especially for long term usage. A lot of Hepatitis patient's medication is not covered by health insurance.

Antivirals are very expensive.
 
That is good advice, thanks! Honestly, we have VERY good prescription coverage but it's everything else that we have to pay out of pocket, in full for. I will check that, for sure.
 
When I had shingles 21 pills of my generic antiviral was 320. Name brand was 600 for 21 pills. After insurance it was $75. And I have top of the line insurance because Butch is a government employee.

From what I understand the antiviral for HSV is even more expensive.
 
I looked into this a while back (so my info may be out of date) when I dated a partner who disclosed that he was a herpes carrier. Apparently he gave his college GF herpes. (Turned out that he hadn't been tested since the current tests were developed, and once he later was tested, he found out he had HSV 1 -- so most likely oral and transmitted to his GF's genitals through oral sex). He and I dated for 6 months, used condoms only for PIV sex, and I remain negative.

From what I read back then, condom use reduces the chances of transmission by about 50%, and the antiviral also reduces the risk by about 50%. So even if you use both, you are still taking a 25% chance. But those are probably guesstimates -- I don't think there are a lot of scientific studies on it.

I also read that HSV is much more contagious within the first year of contracting it. I know you said he hadn't been previously tested for it, but maybe he has a sense based on the number of people he's dated recently versus earlier in his life, of when he'd be most likely to have gotten it? That might help you assess risk.
 
I've read condoms are anywhere from 30-50% reduction. He believes he must have had it for a while, as he's had the same two partners for years. He has not been particularly promiscuous anyway, so he is fairly certain on his guess of over a decade. However, the not-so-greatness of poly is that maybe one of his current partners caught it from one of THEIR partners only recently, so he hasn't had it long. However, he believes this isn't the case because the two partners he has right now, he has been fluid bonded with for quite a while, and they have not had new partners either. That he knows of. He has let everyone know, and hopefully they will be tested soon.
 
Costco pharmacy has the generic pills for different strengths and # of pills, but the most expensive & strongest of generic Acyclovir 800 mg tablet (100 tablets) is $32. From what I can find online, they're apparently the go-to place for cheap herpes meds. DarkKnight is still checking in to whether his insurance would cover this in full or if we'd have to pay part of it.

That said, I still don't want to catch HSV2.
 
Let me get this straight your need ( we are talking about a need and not a want ) for more penis is worth possibly contracting this and passing it along to the 2 mono slobs that more or less pay for your lifestyle. And now the debate is the cost of the medication ....wow ....with that chemistry background are you sure you're not putting something in their coffee ??:D

If it were me this is where I'd get off the train.
 
Wow. Reported. I don't appreciate you calling my husbands mono slobs. They're amazing and you're an asshole to say something like that. I hope you do some reading - 1 in 4 adults in the US has HSV2. To intimate that I am putting something in their coffee is not a joke. Don't worry about getting off the train, I would never have asked you on.
 
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dingedheart said:
Let me get this straight your need ( we are talking about a need and not a want ) for more penis is worth possibly contracting this and passing it along to the 2 mono slobs that more or less pay for your lifestyle. And now the debate is the cost of the medication ....wow ....with that chemistry background are you sure you're not putting something in their coffee ??:D

If it were me this is where I'd get off the train.
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Apparently those two slobs are more evolved than you.
 
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