Dating Challenges for a Married Man

Dagferi said:
Mono men seem to have less issues dating poly wonen than mono women. Look at the successful poly people who are active on this board with long term relationships with monogamous partners. Bluebird, myself, nadya we are women.

Women are catty and competitive. Look at teenage girls they a vicious to rivals. That doesn't go away in adulthood.

Plus a single woman doesn't tend to want a glass ceiling put on their relationship. A men tend to be more comfortable in their own skin and with time on their own.
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Someone has some internalized misogyny.
 
saltandredpepper said:
I've had some recent frustration with beginning dating as a married couple and am wondering how others might deal with the situation.
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How long have you been married? How long did it take to negotiate opening your relationship? How much research and reading about poly (books, websites, podcasts) have you and your wife done?

My life partner and I live in a small town and lead public work lives that make us need discretion about having a newly open relationship. She's found a guy who lives out of town and far enough away that they can see each other in public (or private) there. He seems fine (according to her) with being a paramour and has asked for and received the ability to see her at least once a week with an overnighter at least once a month and an occasional weekend.
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So, she will be with her bf about 4 to 6 days a month?

I'm happy for her but growing increasingly lonely. Each of the seemingly available and interested women I've asked out have balked at dating a married man
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Are you actually "lonely" or frustrated or envious?

Your wife is only gone to her bf's one day a week, one overnight, and one entire weekend a month is being negotiated. So, that's 4 or 5 or 6 days out of 31. It seems to me it would be easy enough for you to fill those few days a month doing hobbies you enjoy, exercising, napping, seeing platonic friends or family, etc. You could also spend time on dating apps. OK Cupid is a good way to have conversations with women who might wanna get with you.

Is your wife present for you when she is home with you? Or is she overwhelmed with her NRE for her new partners, and spending a lot of time talking about him to you, or texting/calling him? Do you have a healthy sex life? Do you and she actually go on dates, cuddle, etc.? Is she meeting your needs?

Now, on to your own dating:

One thinks of it as cheating, another needs a life partner, a third worries that it's too complicated, the fourth is also friends with my partner and wants to keep the relationships as friendships. I know it will take time and trials and am using the feeling as my writing muse, but that doesn't quite calm the growing loneliness. I'd appreciate hearing your insights, experiences, or suggestions if moved to share.
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So you've approached 4 women recently, as sex or dating partners... and none of them are a good fit.

I am a woman, who has a female nesting partner. Dating is hard and it takes time to find a good fit with someone! I've kissed a lot of frogs (available men, I mean) over the 8 years I've been living poly. I've had a few relationships that lasted months, and a few that lasted 2+ years, but it's now been a year since my last serious relationship with a guy broke up, and I haven't had a partner other than my gf. My gf otoh, has a long term bf she sees at least once a week for an overnight. She's been with him going on 4 years.

I've talked to probably 50-100 men on OK Cupid, since my last bf and I split. I've been on 5 first dates in that period. One second date. So far, no chemistry, no relationship. So, despite what others have said, it's not "easier" for poly women to find a suitable OSO. We might get approached for some kinda FWB NSA shit a lot, but a real dependable loving bf is a rare find.

I recommend enjoying your "me time" when your wife is away, and trying to be patient about finding a decent OSO of your own.

Also, I'm not sure of your age, whether you have kids or not, how busy your career is. I find it hard dating men in their 30s who often have little free time between wife, job and kids.

Consider dating women older than you... Women in their 40s or older are often more financially secure, more self actualised, are not seeking a husband to have children with. They'd be more open to dating a poly guy.
 
Awesome Maggy!

We only find while open And trying!! It's all always possible.... It's having the knowledge and direction where things become clearer more visible attainable.
That it takes more then one try.... That's the fun part of life when viewed in the big picture.
 
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Magdlyn said:
How long have you been married? How long did it take to negotiate opening your relationship? How much research and reading about poly (books, websites, podcasts) have you and your wife done?



So, she will be with her bf about 4 to 6 days a month?



Are you actually "lonely" or frustrated or envious?

Your wife is only gone to her bf's one day a week, one overnight, and one entire weekend a month is being negotiated. So, that's 4 or 5 or 6 days out of 31. It seems to me it would be easy enough for you to fill those few days a month doing hobbies you enjoy, exercising, napping, seeing platonic friends or family, etc. You could also spend time on dating apps. OK Cupid is a good way to have conversations with women who might wanna get with you.

Is your wife present for you when she is home with you? Or is she overwhelmed with her NRE for her new partners, and spending a lot of time talking about him to you, or texting/calling him? Do you have a healthy sex life? Do you and she actually go on dates, cuddle, etc.? Is she meeting your needs?

Now, on to your own dating:



So you've approached 4 women recently, as sex or dating partners... and none of them are a good fit.

I am a woman, who has a female nesting partner. Dating is hard and it takes time to find a good fit with someone! I've kissed a lot of frogs (available men, I mean) over the 8 years I've been living poly. I've had a few relationships that lasted months, and a few that lasted 2+ years, but it's now been a year since my last serious relationship with a guy broke up, and I haven't had a partner other than my gf. My gf otoh, has a long term bf she sees at least once a week for an overnight. She's been with him going on 4 years.

I've talked to probably 50-100 men on OK Cupid, since my last bf and I split. I've been on 5 first dates in that period. One second date. So far, no chemistry, no relationship. So, despite what others have said, it's not "easier" for poly women to find a suitable OSO. We might get approached for some kinda FWB NSA shit a lot, but a real dependable loving bf is a rare find.

I recommend enjoying your "me time" when your wife is away, and trying to be patient about finding a decent OSO of your own.

Also, I'm not sure of your age, whether you have kids or not, how busy your career is. I find it hard dating men in their 30s who often have little free time between wife, job and kids.

Consider dating women older than you... Women in their 40s or older are often more financially secure, more self actualised, are not seeking a husband to have children with. They'd be more open to dating a poly guy.
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Yes to all of this.
 
Yeah, I have never had difficulty finding a NSA sexual encounter. I also have no problems at all with finding random dick pics and unsolicited phone numbers in my email. The joys of being a poly woman!

In reality, since I have not one, but two husbands, most guys don't take my situation seriously. The type of relationship I can actually juggle is limited, and the kink I am currently searching for isn't super popular.

The world doesn't owe anyone anything. Just keep swimming and hope you find someone. That's what I do. I am completely out and open in my community. It's not impossible, but each restriction, each qualification, makes the search a little bit harder.
 
Your sharing does give me hope, and I've become less frantic about her having a new local lover, though I still don't like to be home while she's visiting him. I start doing things around the house or gardens and end up feeling resentful. It's helped a lot to start a new massage/osteopathic treatment trade relationship with someone I can be open with. I'm also going to local music alone (and without the ring, which feels better to me). Btw, I like your sharing of current relationships so here goes.

____________________
Me - 58/M/cis/pan
M - 48/F/cis/bi - my nested life partner
D - 55/M/cis/bi - dating M
B - 33/F/cis/queer - distance dating M and me (occasional, waning)
 
Meetups?

saltandredpepper said:
Your sharing does give me hope, and I've become less frantic about her having a new local lover, though I still don't like to be home while she's visiting him. I start doing things around the house or gardens and end up feeling resentful. It's helped a lot to start a new massage/osteopathic treatment trade relationship with someone I can be open with. I'm also going to local music alone (and without the ring, which feels better to me). Btw, I like your sharing of current relationships so here goes.

____________________
Me - 58/M/cis/pan
M - 48/F/cis/bi - my nested life partner
D - 55/M/cis/bi - dating M
B - 33/F/cis/queer - distance dating M and me (occasional, waning)
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I like that you are going to local music alone. Maybe you'll find someone with similar musical taste and you can go to these events together! You might also use this opportunity to explore other hobbies and interests, or develop new ones. I know you said you are in a smaller town, but you might look at www.meetup.com to see if there are any meetups in your town or in nearby cities that might interest you.

Good luck! Men definitely have the deck stacked against them most of the time.
 
I am his partner and the answer to some of these questions is that we are not having as much sex. One of the reasons is I find it difficult to be intimate with him after he withdraws from me when I get home. I guess on some level I feel guilty that my going out with someone has contributed to him feeling lonely.
 
The ladies and gentlemen here can teach you hinge responsibilities!

Mara said:
I am his partner and the answer to some of these questions is that we are not having as much sex. One of the reasons is I find it difficult to be intimate with him after he withdraws from me when I get home. I guess on some level I feel guilty that my going out with someone has contributed to him feeling lonely.
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Just ask them!
So, I will suggest you just edit your post and change it to " Just go getya sum honey ;)".. be supportive here

You have your other! Now it's ok for him to find his! And he has begun his process however new.
I wish him luck in finding what works for him
This is his thread in his journeys.
I would suggest you start your own thread... See you there
Btw Welcome to the Forum! Really nice to have you here!
Would be even better if you introduce yourself.. Like most of the proper members have ; ) Again...lol
Lol and don't take it personally...I was laughing at self.. After realizing how long you've been here.. And that what I wrote still applies.. serious
 
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I've had very limited success using OKCupid. Most of the interest I've received turned out to be married women cheating - I stay away from those. I've had some success meeting single women, or women in open relationships, on swinger sites or at swinger social events. Some of them are also open to longer term arrangements, or FWB, and some are actually curious about poly. Many women may not think they're open to poly, but develop an interest over time.

Even so, it is very difficult to meet and date women as a married man. Even in the swinger community, there are dozens of single/married men for every woman willing to date them. It takes persistence and a large measure of luck to have success.
 
Mara said:
I am his partner and the answer to some of these questions is that we are not having as much sex. One of the reasons is I find it difficult to be intimate with him after he withdraws from me when I get home. I guess on some level I feel guilty that my going out with someone has contributed to him feeling lonely.
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Hi Mara. I asked your partner how much research he had done into poly by reading. He didn't respond to any of my questions, so I ask you the same, if you'd look at my previous post. I am sure the books on poly address this issue. (Opening Up, and More Than Two.)

It's actually quite common for either partner, the one who was with an OSO, or the one who wasn't, to want some time after the date with the OSO, to reconnect sexually. A day or two break is common.

Others of course, can go directly from one partner to the next (my gf and I can). We don't even require a shower necessarily, just wash the face and hands. We use condoms so no one is getting "sloppy seconds" from the other partner.

Some partners like to "reclaim" their SO after they have been with another, right away or quite soon.

And there are a few, of course, who share sex directly amongst 3 partners.

It's a continuum and no one is wrong.

How long does saltandredpepper withdraw, that it affects your sex sharing so much?
 
Magdlyn said:
Some partners like to "reclaim" their SO after they have been with another, right away or quite soon.
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Goes both ways. ;) I made no secret to my first lover, Cindy, that I felt nonmonogamy was the natural order. After a few false starts, she found a steady boyfriend, & quite often after a great evening/night/weekend, she'd breeze happily into the house & want an hour or three of sex -- she enjoyed feeling "fired up" by BOTH of us.
 
A month and a half later

I've initiated many of your suggestions, thank you very much, and have enjoyed the local music scene, though M (nesting partner) often comes too making it a little harder to project availability. I also found a Meetup polyamory group two hours away and am planning to go to their social gathering next weekend despite M's trepidation about my meeting people this way. In the meantime, our distance queer partner has ended it with both of us after a half year absence, and M's local lover ended it citing problems dating a married woman. Apparently it's not just married men with this kryptonite problem.:-O

This all leaves me less willing to initiate dating until M is over the new breakups, but, nonetheless, more optimistic about the prospects once we're ready as a couple to find what we need as individuals and accept each other's desires and needs outside the marriage.


me - queer/pansexual m
M - bi f nesting life partner
that's it for now :-(
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi Mara. I asked your partner how much research he had done into poly by reading. He didn't respond to any of my questions, so I ask you the same, if you'd look at my previous post. I am sure the books on poly address this issue. (Opening Up, and More Than Two.)

How long does saltandredpepper withdraw, that it affects your sex sharing so much?
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Sorry about that, I did read your helpful references and tried to post a reply but must have missed the approval or been timed out since it never showed up on the thread.

Initially my need for distance was for a day or two, but it's gotten easier every time. After her last overnighter i was able to fire up the hot tub for us and have a night of snuggling with hardly a withdrawal. Increasingly, I'm finding the thought of their intimacy rather titillating, so too bad it appears to be ending for them.
 
saltandredpepper said:
Sorry about that, I did read your helpful references and tried to post a reply but must have missed the approval or been timed out since it never showed up on the thread.

Initially my need for distance was for a day or two, but it's gotten easier every time. After her last overnighter i was able to fire up the hot tub for us and have a night of snuggling with hardly a withdrawal. Increasingly, I'm finding the thought of their intimacy rather titillating, so too bad it appears to be ending for them.
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That's good.

Breakups happen in poly. She'll find another lover and so will you. Good luck.
 
icesong said:
I've seen this assertion on this board, and occasionally elsewhere, but I know I for one am *more* likely to date someone partnered than not, personally, as are the majority of my offline poly friends. So I'm sort of curious about the real numbers either way on that one.
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I would think that would depend on what you already have and are looking for. Right now, I am less likely to date someone partnered because I don't yet have a primary partner. However, once I find a primary partner if I look for another more casual relationship I would not care if that guy had a partner (as long as she knew and everything was cool), and might even prefer it because such a person would be less likely to get too attached. When someone is lacking a primary partner, however, and wants one, you want your lover to be capable of getting attached.

Of course I realize that there are people who are capable of being madly in love with two people at the same time while giving each of them equal time and attention, but I would think that would be more rare.
 
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