Violated ❌❌❌
- Thread starter unapologeticallypoly
- Start date
Sit down with BOTH of them together and explain what happened. Be firm and in control and do not deviate from what you KNOW happened, if either of them try to paint you as a liar or make excuses.
What happened WAS sexual assault - by your gf's husband on at least two occasions, perhaps three (not totally sure about the second incident, as you don't make it clear, OP).
What happened was NOT OKAY and you have every right to feel angry, scared and upset. Naturally, you do not want to "upset the applecart" and possibly lose your relationship (if your gf doesn't believe you or sides with her husband), a good friendship with the husband who's been like a brother to you until these recent episodes, even your home! But remember, this was NOT YOUR FAULT and it's imperative you address his behaviour so he doesn't think it's okay to try this again - either with you OR anybody else in the future.
Since you say you all have been in this relationship/living situation for years and nothing like it has EVER happened before (you do appear shocked/shaken), it is JUST possible that the husband misinterpreted your decision to stay in their bed after he'd returned, and thought he'd try it on (make an "advance" or three) to see where it'd get him. He might've had fantasies of a threesome or the like, and even though his approach was totally inappropriate and wrongwrongwrong on so many levels, it MAY explain it. Especially if the wife/your girlfriend was the party touching you in that second instance. ASK them what is going on. It is still inappropriate/assault, when it all boils down to it, but there is a slim chance he/they might have thought that's what you were looking for, or that you'd be up for it.
Hopefully, your reaction (or rather, lack of reaction) i.e. leaving the bed without a word, should be enough to alert the husband that you are NOT okay with it, but I still think you need to address this with BOTH of them. If I was your gf, I'd want to know that my husband was trying to grope my other partner without her consent. There is no way she can make an informed decision without full knowledge of what is going on in her marriage bed under her nose. Once you hear both parties out, you'll be in a better position to decide what you yourself intend to do. It's not an easy situation and I'm so sorry this happened to you.
What happened WAS sexual assault - by your gf's husband on at least two occasions, perhaps three (not totally sure about the second incident, as you don't make it clear, OP).
What happened was NOT OKAY and you have every right to feel angry, scared and upset. Naturally, you do not want to "upset the applecart" and possibly lose your relationship (if your gf doesn't believe you or sides with her husband), a good friendship with the husband who's been like a brother to you until these recent episodes, even your home! But remember, this was NOT YOUR FAULT and it's imperative you address his behaviour so he doesn't think it's okay to try this again - either with you OR anybody else in the future.
Since you say you all have been in this relationship/living situation for years and nothing like it has EVER happened before (you do appear shocked/shaken), it is JUST possible that the husband misinterpreted your decision to stay in their bed after he'd returned, and thought he'd try it on (make an "advance" or three) to see where it'd get him. He might've had fantasies of a threesome or the like, and even though his approach was totally inappropriate and wrongwrongwrong on so many levels, it MAY explain it. Especially if the wife/your girlfriend was the party touching you in that second instance. ASK them what is going on. It is still inappropriate/assault, when it all boils down to it, but there is a slim chance he/they might have thought that's what you were looking for, or that you'd be up for it.
Hopefully, your reaction (or rather, lack of reaction) i.e. leaving the bed without a word, should be enough to alert the husband that you are NOT okay with it, but I still think you need to address this with BOTH of them. If I was your gf, I'd want to know that my husband was trying to grope my other partner without her consent. There is no way she can make an informed decision without full knowledge of what is going on in her marriage bed under her nose. Once you hear both parties out, you'll be in a better position to decide what you yourself intend to do. It's not an easy situation and I'm so sorry this happened to you.
vinsanity0
Active member
zackteach
New member
I had to re-read this a couple times because I wanted to make sure I understood exactly what happened. I also read through the thread, and it did get a bit heated there for a minute...
Well, here's my thoughts from a random new guy to the forum who's never actually been in a poly relationship but thought a lot about it!
My inclination is that perhaps the 2 of them have thought about threesomes with you and they were testing the water without actually bringing it up, seeing if you'd just go with it. That's one possibility. Another is perhaps the husband was sleeps and didn't realize who he was touching (My best friend has done a lot of weird stuff while asleep, from sleep walking to even sleep humping, that's why I think this is possible). And of course, he could've been making a move on you from seemingly out of no where.
I don't know the relationship you have with the husband. What you briefly described makes it clear that there's currently no romantic relationship between you and him, but I wonder if that's ever been on the table, discussed, or if either of you have ever felt those feelings and just not explored them for whatever reason?
It also sounds like you were uncomfortable with the idea of sleeping in the same bed with them more for respect of their relationship than anything else. You did say you were uncomfortable, but I guess I'm unclear as to whether or not you were uncomfortable purely because you didn't want to risk imposing on their relationship or whether it was also because you aren't comfortable with the husband in that way.
Regardless of all that, no it's not cool for him to just make a move on you like that without some kind of hint that it'd be acceptable.
Hopefully by now you've had some kind of talk with him or both of them, but...I lean more towards those who have replied and say give him/them a chance to explain. While I want to make it clear that sexual assault is very serious, I do honestly think some of the replies here seemed real quick to just throw away something that's been awesome for years over this - ESPECIALLY when it hasn't even been talked about yet. You made it seem like one night, your GF is touching you kind've conspiciously, and then the next night the husband does. And another reason I think it'd be a bit premature to just drop everything and leave is because he stopped. You left, he didn't follow. To me, that suggests it MIGHT have been accidental and he's embarrassed as hell now, or if it was intentional, that he sees that you weren't interested and that's the end of it.
i am not encouraging you to stay in a situation that ends up being one where your boundaries are not respected. But you also seemed to be saying that you hadn't brought it up to either of them, at least as of the time when you made this post. I think talking about it first and seeing what they say is worth doing. If they deny it, or if it happens again, then yea, drop them like a bad habit.
More than anything, I just want to implore talking about it before making a knee-jerk reaction to leave.
Well, here's my thoughts from a random new guy to the forum who's never actually been in a poly relationship but thought a lot about it!
My inclination is that perhaps the 2 of them have thought about threesomes with you and they were testing the water without actually bringing it up, seeing if you'd just go with it. That's one possibility. Another is perhaps the husband was sleeps and didn't realize who he was touching (My best friend has done a lot of weird stuff while asleep, from sleep walking to even sleep humping, that's why I think this is possible). And of course, he could've been making a move on you from seemingly out of no where.
I don't know the relationship you have with the husband. What you briefly described makes it clear that there's currently no romantic relationship between you and him, but I wonder if that's ever been on the table, discussed, or if either of you have ever felt those feelings and just not explored them for whatever reason?
It also sounds like you were uncomfortable with the idea of sleeping in the same bed with them more for respect of their relationship than anything else. You did say you were uncomfortable, but I guess I'm unclear as to whether or not you were uncomfortable purely because you didn't want to risk imposing on their relationship or whether it was also because you aren't comfortable with the husband in that way.
Regardless of all that, no it's not cool for him to just make a move on you like that without some kind of hint that it'd be acceptable.
Hopefully by now you've had some kind of talk with him or both of them, but...I lean more towards those who have replied and say give him/them a chance to explain. While I want to make it clear that sexual assault is very serious, I do honestly think some of the replies here seemed real quick to just throw away something that's been awesome for years over this - ESPECIALLY when it hasn't even been talked about yet. You made it seem like one night, your GF is touching you kind've conspiciously, and then the next night the husband does. And another reason I think it'd be a bit premature to just drop everything and leave is because he stopped. You left, he didn't follow. To me, that suggests it MIGHT have been accidental and he's embarrassed as hell now, or if it was intentional, that he sees that you weren't interested and that's the end of it.
i am not encouraging you to stay in a situation that ends up being one where your boundaries are not respected. But you also seemed to be saying that you hadn't brought it up to either of them, at least as of the time when you made this post. I think talking about it first and seeing what they say is worth doing. If they deny it, or if it happens again, then yea, drop them like a bad habit.
More than anything, I just want to implore talking about it before making a knee-jerk reaction to leave.
fuchka
Active member
I'm really sorry you feel so violated. If your girlfriend's husband intentionally groped you without your consent, that's very wrong and I agree with the other commenters labelling that as sexual assault.
I guess it's up to you to decide whether you see any possibility of feeling safe in the house going forward. I have had one experience of a groping-in-sleep violation by a dear friend that marred our relationship for years. I called him out on it, he said he didn't remember doing it and I didn't believe him, for years. It made me angry and not trust him but also confused as it did not align with everything else I knew of him and his character. One time we had yet another conversation about it and he clarified to me that he believed me that it happened, he was very sorry and mortified that I felt violated and that he would have done it in his sleep (he has very poor sleep health and it is common for him to blank out and do things in his sleep). I believed him and the disconnect finally made sense to me.
Not saying that this happened in your case, or that it is a plausible scenario with your GF's husband even if he offered this as an explanation. Just as an example of a time when, for me, I was able to move past the feeling of being violated to a space where I once again felt safe around my friend. I am not sure whether/how it would have been surmountable if the groping was intentional, though...
I guess it's up to you to decide whether you see any possibility of feeling safe in the house going forward. I have had one experience of a groping-in-sleep violation by a dear friend that marred our relationship for years. I called him out on it, he said he didn't remember doing it and I didn't believe him, for years. It made me angry and not trust him but also confused as it did not align with everything else I knew of him and his character. One time we had yet another conversation about it and he clarified to me that he believed me that it happened, he was very sorry and mortified that I felt violated and that he would have done it in his sleep (he has very poor sleep health and it is common for him to blank out and do things in his sleep). I believed him and the disconnect finally made sense to me.
Not saying that this happened in your case, or that it is a plausible scenario with your GF's husband even if he offered this as an explanation. Just as an example of a time when, for me, I was able to move past the feeling of being violated to a space where I once again felt safe around my friend. I am not sure whether/how it would have been surmountable if the groping was intentional, though...
Ravenscroft
Banned
Deal with it -- openly, directly, honestly.
Or else it's not polyamory.
Period.
Or else it's not polyamory.
Period.
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
Polyamory is about non monogamous relationships with the consent of all involved. Having bad communication skills doesn't stop one from being poly. These three people are still poly whether the OP discloses this incident or not.
Ravenscroft
Banned
That'd be no, & no, & no, & no.
Empty assertion & mere "opinion" with no foundation. I'll make my case.The MAIN PROBLEM here is about lack of consent -- reread, then rephrase.
THEY are certainly NOT "poly," & this is NOT "a poly relationship." Though the OP may have overlooked some critical background, there's no mention of either the OP or her meta having other intimate relationships, or even previous experience. There is exactly one person presented as in a poly situation, & she sucks at being a hinge.
Despite the efforts of revisionist idiots who want to claim the "cool factor" without actually doing any work, polyamory most certainly DOES REQUIRE at least the ongoing effort to communicate well & constantly with the people in one's immediate vicinity. Without that critical definition, there is NOTHING separating polyamory from generalized nonmonogamy.
There's nothing in this story to indicate that any of the three actually communicate at all, & it's peppered with various territorial incursions. They've definitely fallen into passive-aggressive interaction, maybe as their primary mode.
FWIW, the thread's title is histrionic, & (IMNSHO) really ought to be edited by a Mod or Admin.
Emm
Stealth Mod
I don't follow your reasoning here. Are you arguing that it's only poly when everyone involved is dating or married to someone else?
opalescent
Active member
Ravenscroft, you consistently have confused doing poly well with being poly. While I wish all people who are poly also do it well, that’s not the case. You are ruling out everyone who has fucked up from being in a poly relationship. While it would be nice to disavow the selfish, the NRE dazed, the just stupid or thoughtless, sadly, we can’t. They are poly and they are us.
If there is consent and knowledge of all involved, it’s poly. It might be a huge clusterfuck, but it’s still poly. And, the only way poly is different from the broad swath of ethical non-monogamy is the emphasis on emotional connection, on ‘love’. While open or swinging aren’t poly, there is no bright line between the various points along the ethical non-monogamous spectrum. People can and do move between them all them time, sometimes being one and then another, or being both or more.
OP, this being poly or not discussion is a distraction for you. I hope you feel comfortable enough to talk with the husband. I also hope this is unconscious groping - that is possible. You are likely to be able to tell from how he reacts to you telling him about it. If he is embarrassed and apologetic, probably unconscious. If he is defensive, attacking or says he doesn’t believe you, probably conscious and predatory. But if he has otherwise treated you well, treated his wife well and you have generally felt safe around him, this might be an unfortunate incident that while very upsetting can be moved beyond. But you have the best sense of his character. Use that to determine your course of action. I do think you need to tell your partner even if she is depressed. Ideally, I’d hope you and he work it out and tell her as ‘hey this thing happened, it was upsetting but we’ve worked it out and just wanted you to be in the loop.’
But until this is sorted out, definitely don’t stay in the bed with both of them.
Best of luck, OP. I hope this is a blip instead of an explosion.
If there is consent and knowledge of all involved, it’s poly. It might be a huge clusterfuck, but it’s still poly. And, the only way poly is different from the broad swath of ethical non-monogamy is the emphasis on emotional connection, on ‘love’. While open or swinging aren’t poly, there is no bright line between the various points along the ethical non-monogamous spectrum. People can and do move between them all them time, sometimes being one and then another, or being both or more.
OP, this being poly or not discussion is a distraction for you. I hope you feel comfortable enough to talk with the husband. I also hope this is unconscious groping - that is possible. You are likely to be able to tell from how he reacts to you telling him about it. If he is embarrassed and apologetic, probably unconscious. If he is defensive, attacking or says he doesn’t believe you, probably conscious and predatory. But if he has otherwise treated you well, treated his wife well and you have generally felt safe around him, this might be an unfortunate incident that while very upsetting can be moved beyond. But you have the best sense of his character. Use that to determine your course of action. I do think you need to tell your partner even if she is depressed. Ideally, I’d hope you and he work it out and tell her as ‘hey this thing happened, it was upsetting but we’ve worked it out and just wanted you to be in the loop.’
But until this is sorted out, definitely don’t stay in the bed with both of them.
Best of luck, OP. I hope this is a blip instead of an explosion.
Ravenscroft
Banned
No.
Why can't we?
Honest error remains error.
Good intention IS NOT a sufficient substitute for FACT. Demonstrate otherwise, else get thee gone.
Emm
Stealth Mod
Because not doing it perfectly doesn't mean you're not doing it. Someone who takes a day to recover from running around the block is still running, even if they're not up to Olympic marathon standards. The stumbling blocks you're using as disqualification criteria apply specifically to good poly, not to poly itself as practised by fallible humans.
If you want to continue this hijack, please do so in the definitions of polyamory thread you started last year.
If you want to continue this hijack, please do so in the definitions of polyamory thread you started last year.
Ravenscroft
Banned
I'm saying there are deeper predisposing issues, & addressing THOSE is going to be necessary before any sort of "poly solution" can properly be even broached. I apologize for flying THAT over so many heads.
However, the thread ACTUALLY got hijacked before I posted even once. A bunch of people got into a pissing fury over what does/doesn't constitute assault, for instance
& maybe it's those disruptive meanies who ought to have been shuttled toward another thread -- right?
Carry on.