Hierarchies

[MeeraReed]

Part of the inherent problem with hierarchy is that the hierarchical couple often DOESN'T explain all their rules & restrictions to the new person...so the new person enters a relationship without full knowledge of what they're consenting to.

I think there ARE ethical ways to do hierarchy, but it's tricky.

I've also encountered poly relationships where a person is non-hierarchical for some of their partners (for example, has two co-primaries) but hierarchical for others (for example, new people outside of the main polycule are seen infrequently or are more like friends with benefits). I don't think there's anything wrong with this necessarily...if everyone knows what the limits are.

 

[ElMango]

Part of the inherent problem with hierarchy is that the hierarchical couple often DOESN'T explain all their rules & restrictions to the new person...so the new person enters a relationship without full knowledge of what they're consenting to.

I think there ARE ethical ways to do hierarchy, but it's tricky.

I've also encountered poly relationships where a person is non-hierarchical for some of their partners (for example, has two co-primaries) but hierarchical for others (for example, new people outside of the main polycule are seen infrequently or are more like friends with benefits). I don't think there's anything wrong with this necessarily...if everyone knows what the limits are.

I agree 100%! Lots of people DON'T explain this and pretend that all will be equal when it isn't, and that is WRONG. By not proving that info it doesn't allow someone to make any sort of informed consent on what they;re getting themselves involved with and isn't okay.

I think for a lot of poly couples I know that the second situation you provided tends to be more common. They have their triad or V or quad, etc, and when a new relationship enters the fray it is very much so on a lower priority rug than the others. Within reason I think this is honestly to be expected.

Z had an incident where someone he dated was on their 3rd date with him and expected to be on the same "level" as me or even B...and like...that's kinda weird imo. You have to get to know a human before they become important to you honestly.

Just like with platonic relationships I wouldn't put my friend of 10 years lower on the rung as someone I met 2 weeks ago.