When a Unicorn Plays in Other Pastures

C

ClariceK

New member
My husband Josh and I were in a 6-month relationship with a 24-year old unicorn, Lucy. The relationship was great for the first few months.

About 3 months into our relationship, the situation came up that her room in the house Lucy was staying at was being given to another person, so she was kinda kicked out. She was told she could stay, but would have to bunk with her 5-year old daughter, which she wasn't a fan of.

Josh and I didn't want to move the relationship into the "moving-in" stage so soon. But the situation being it was, we invited her to come live with us. We gave her daughter April her own room in our house. We treated April like she was our own. We took Lucy and April on trips to a museum and the beach. We had a lot of really good times!

About 3 months ago, Lucy began talking to an old friend on Facebook. Whenever either Josh or I looked at her screen, she would minimize the chat. She said that was because she was looking at other pages, not because she was hiding anything. But she was talking to a man.

Josh and I said, "She has the right to talk to whoever she wants to, but we have the agreement that Josh will be the only man in the relationship, and we trust this is the case."

As time went by, Lucy talked to Josh and me less and less, and the other guy more and more. She lived with us for 3 months while talking to him. Meanwhile, we supported her and April financially. Lucy was receiving food stamps, which she considered her "contribution," but in reality, that amount mostly fed her and her daughter.

She pretended to look for a job. She did find work, and it was agreed that she would use a portion of her paycheck to help with the bills. That didn't happen. Instead, her entire paycheck was spent purchasing things for herself from the mall and Walmart. Josh and I didn't say anything about it to her because, well, we didn't want to start an issue, and instead just let it go.

This week, things kinda came to a head when I realized that she had lied to us about a number of things. I got angry and had a blowup, and yelled and screamed, and told her that as far as I was concerned we were no longer in a relationship, and that I was now considering it a roommate situation, in which she was more then welcome to leave any time she wanted to.

She handed Josh and me less then $10.00 for the gas and smokes we had bought her over the last 6 months. Then Josh drove her and April to the house where she was living before.

Josh and I were very upset by his breakup, as we both cared very much for her. We both viewed her daughter as ours, and we'd both tried hard to make things work.

This was on Wednesday. I woke up this morning to read that her relationship status on Facebook had been changed from "single" to "in a relationship with...." the man she had been talking to while using us financially.

If I thought I was hurt before, I had no idea the amount of hurt that came from the knowledge that I was right about her using us. I was right about her not really caring about this relationship. I am very hurt.

Josh is less hurt, because he feels as if he would rather have known now that she was using him, then wait till a year or two down the line to find out. He still has the pain of losing the closest thing he has ever had to a child. I hurt for him for that, but I also realize that staying in a relationship because you care more about the kid then the parent does is not a reason to maintain a relationship.

I feel more hurt by the fact that Lucy not only didn't take anything that we had given April, but yelled at April for asking to take those things. With my background and knowledge of psychology, she is teaching the little girl that she can't trust anything, and that anything she gets she'd better be ready to give up, because Mom might not let her have it in the end. That is a scary and horrifying message to send a child.

I have packed up the things, and put them in a bag that I will drop at Lucy's work today. Hopefully Lucy will see that it only hurts April to keep these things from her.

Josh and I had thought we wanted a triad, and we still do, but sometimes it seems easier to just be a swinger, and walk away in the morning, rather then invest our hearts into someone that is only there to take advantage and use us. Maybe we will get better at picking up on it sooner. I sure hope so, because this hurts.
 
There is a reason they are called unicorns. I'm not sure whether that is because they are magical, or that they really don't exist.
 
I'm sure you're not going to like a lot of what I'm about to say, but I think it needs to be said. It doesn't seem to me like you gave Lucy much of an opportunity to be honest about developing feelings for someone else. If you and Josh had already decided that he would be the only man, I can see how hard it would be for Lucy to talk to the two of you about starting to have feelings for someone else.

As much as a triad might look good on paper, there is usually a third wheel who doesn't feel 100% a part of the already-established relationship. Or the recently-added person becomes much more attached to one partner than the other. From what I've read and experienced, it's much better to go into any non-monogamous relationship with the idea of it being flexible and changeable. If there had been that openness right from the start, about understanding that everyone has the potential to develop feelings for other people, she would have been much more likely to have talked to you about what was going on for her.

Also, you said that money was an issue, but you and Josh just let it go. It would be my guess that this was part of the blowup. It's a good idea to talk about the little things as they come up, so that resentment doesn't build and eventually blow up.

All in all, I think this one needs to be chalked up to a learning experience. Next time you meet someone, you'll know more and you'll be able to communicate better. I think a lot of us here have stories about complete disasters with early forays into poly. It does get easier.
 
I agree with Derby. Plus, I would let go of this need you have to give April the stuff you bought. I don't see Lucy's reactions to that as dastardly as you do. She probably feels betrayed in some way, that you were there for her, and then rescinded, so now she wants nothing from you. The kid will be fine. Leave it alone.
 
When our unicorn left us, I think it hurt more than any other breakup I'd ever had.

Our situation was a little different. She left because she was afraid her presence was going to drive my wife and mr apart (despite the fact that it was a drama-free relationship, and I'm pretty sure we were even stronger as a triad). She still comes around from time to time to throw huge amounts of UST at the both of us, and I'm pretty sure she still loves us both. I know I'm not over her, may never be, but just refuses to actually be with us. I'm not sure which is worse.

To me, it sounds more like you were stable as a 2+1 with her living elsewhere, but when you attempted to fully integrate as a true three, with her moving in, that's when your conflicts arose. I suspect, after reading through your description, that you had some serious communication issues going on here, which probably led to your relationship's downfall. Here are the issues I see:

1. I can't tell if it's your writing style, or the way things actually were, but from some of the stuff you said, I pick up a very strong "us versus her" mentality running through everything. That's probably amplified by the fact that Lucy is no longer with you, but I suspect it was probably there the entire time, and may have been an additional stressor. When she was external to the relationship (like I said, a 2+1 instead of a 3) it wasn't a big deal, even natural. But once you moved her in and attempted to fully integrate her with your relationship, that's where it sounds like the wheels fell off. You yourself said you weren't really "ready" for that step, and that was probably a good instinct, even though the situation forced your hand.

Maybe she was more comfortable being external, where she wasn't really in a fully-committed relationship, and once she moved in the pressure of having commitments was too much for her, causing her to shut down. Maybe it was just easier for her to play at being your unicorn than to actually be a full member of a triad. Maybe you and Josh weren't ready for the rebalancing that came with a full third member of your relationship. I dunno. But I'd guess that was the critical breaking point there.

2. Communication issues-- like I said before, I think you've got some. Part of it (again) may be that you weren't used to the full-triad dynamic, but it doesn't sound like you communicated with her like she was an equal party in the relationship. If Josh had done half the things she had done, you presumably wouldn't have let him get away with it, or if you had you probably wouldn't have let it go unspoken. Relationships aren't killed by the things you say, they're killed by the things you mean to say, but don't.

3. Openness and trust issues-- I'm in an open marriage, so my situation is probably a bit different than yours, but I'm wondering if, coupled with the communication issues above, this isn't a factor too. You knew that Lucy was maybe up to something online, but didn't talk to her about it. You talked to Josh about it, but not the person in the relationship that might actually be doing something "bad." You said that you let it go because you and Josh had agreed that he would be the only man involved. Did Lucy agree to that too? Was that ever her idea? If she had come to you and said, "Hey, I know what we said, but I've met somebody. Would you mind if he and I occasionally...?" How would you have reacted? Was your relationship comfortable enough she could've felt secure enough to even ask that? These are things to consider.

4. The crazy-- finally, it sounds like your unicorn may have just been crazy. I've found, from speaking to others who've had similar experiences, that the more likely a person is to want to fill the role of the unicorn, the more likely they are to be... how can I put this nicely? Damaged. Abuse, self-esteem issues, difficulties forming and keeping relationships, personality disorders, bipolar disorder substance abuse, and sometimes just plain old "being nuts"-- all of these seem to pop up from time to time. Now, there's nothing wrong with them, I'm not judging.

Our unicorn had been abused as a child and was working through some issues. She couldn't hold on to a stable relationship herself, and that's why joining us worked, for a while. Having two other people to balance out the relationship meant that if she wasn't feeling particularly girlfriendy on a specific day she didn't leave anybody in the lurch. We all got different things from one another, and her role had to fluctuate. There was enough love and stability to allow for compensation, while in a normal relationship it put incredible stress on whoever she was with trying to keep up with the ebb and flow.

Dr. Drew always used to say on Loveline that people who come from chaos try, often unintentionally, to seek out or cause chaos in their relationships, because it's what they're used to. You said Lucy has a child, was living with someone else (and was kicked out), on food stamps, unemployed... Not a bastion of stability, by the sounds of it.

The appeal of joining an already-stable relationship may have been added to by the potential for chaos and drama that those subconscious parts of her brain were seeking out. And while she was external to the relationship, it was probably enough. But once she did move in and became an equal, that self-destructive mechanism inside her started kicking over again rebelling against the status quo, leading to the online affair and eventual sabotage of your collective relationships.
 
Those are all very astute observations from everyone. Yes, communication was an issue. I don't know so much about the "us versus her" thing, because that really didn't come up till after the relationship was over. The agreement that Josh be the only man was something that we all discussed a number of times. Lucy said she was fine with things that way, and that the man she was "seeing" on the internet was just a friend, and that nothing would or could happen because, as she put it, "I don't like him that way," so it wasn't that she couldn't talk about it.

You are right about not being ready to move in and that the situation called for it to happen that way. There were a LOT of changes that happened within a week or two of Lucy moving in. I think that the thing that hurts Josh and me the most is that if she had been honest with us, we would have probably gone our separate ways (which would have apparently been ok with her), and we wouldn't have invested 2 months more into the relationship then she was.

It is interesting what was said about the "just crazy" aspect of things. My therapist, upon meeting Lucy the first time a few weeks ago, told me that she was depressed, and that she was not in the relationship anymore, and that he got the feeling that her interests lay elsewhere. When I brought this up to her, she swore up and down that wasn't the case.

You are ABSOLUTELY correct about the communication thing. I felt and said during the entire relationship that I felt like I was the only one communicating, or even trying to communicate. I struggled a lot with wondering if my being an active psychology student, and having had "communicate" drilled into my head, was making me push them to communicate when they didn't want to.

Josh has communication issues. He and I have worked a lot on them over the years. He is much better, but still tends to, like many men, turn any emotion he has into anger and annoyance.

I completely appreciate everyone's replies. you have given me a lot to think about. While I know it will be a while before I will be anywhere near ready to venture into another polyamorous relationship, I will certainly make sure that the woman we involve ourselves with is more stable, both mentally and personally in the world.

I learned from this relationship that I need to be with someone who is stimulating to me intellectually. I don't want to sound elitist (however, I am not sure how I would not saying this), but I have found that trying to have conversations with someone who is not very educated tends to cause me to have frustrations with the lack of mental stimulation. I had never come across this issue before, although admittedly, I also haven't had many relationships since returning to college, because of the fact that I usually don't have the time needed for school, let alone school and another new relationship.
 
I thought long about posting here, since I fear this topic triggers me a bit. Anyway, here goes.

Why do the two of you desire to embark on a polyship? Especially when you recognize that Josh is not a good communicator, and the two of you are very poor with boundary maintenance (moving somebody with severe financial difficulties in, despite having agreed that it is not a good idea, and then declining to bring things up for the fear of 'upsetting the boat' - really, there is simply no such situation where a move-in of one partner becomes unavoidable).

If you both, or J, in particular, desire to experience non-biological parenthood, why not look into fostering opportunities in your area?

Secondly, why are you so obsessed with this particular relationship form (polyfi/OPP triad)? Why does Josh feel the need to be the only man in the lives of his partners? Are there some unresolved insecurity issues there?

Let me be frank. Feel free to go and hunt out another unicorn. Your insistence on form over content in your relationships will surely scare away any independent, experienced and stimulating self-identified poly women and leave you with the younger, poorly educated, unemployed single mothers with financial dependency issues. Once NRE fades and real life, including attractions to other people, sets in, they will soon be on their way towards a more conventional lifestyle.

Your attachment to the idea of one man-two women seems to override any and all reason and makes you sound somewhat naive. In NRE, people make all sorts of promises, including the whole 'I am totally happy with just the three of us and will never look at another man again'. They might even think they mean it. It's a natural part of the nesting process.

Another point you made that really struck me about your post was how you had thought beforehand that if your unicorn were to develop feelings towards somebody else, you would just break things off. Hello? You honestly think it would have been as easy as that? 'So you fancy someone else? Fine. Cool. Let's break this off. You obviously don't love us anymore, and we certainly don't love you, now that you have completely changed as a person overnight. Oh, yeah, maybe your girl might be a little attached to us by now, and used to living in here, but hey, shit happens, right?'

On the other hand, the way how you described hiding your head in the sand when her attraction to this old friend became clear makes me think that maybe it wasn't so easy after all.

Next time, do a little reading beforehand and make sure you have your own shit worked out (communication, insecurity, belief that human emotions can somehow be managed rationally as you would manage your shares) and look for someone equal. Not equal as in relationship, but someone who is of the same age, educational background, and financial situation, who already has had some experience in polyamory, and can make informed choices about whether to get involved with you, and with the rules you set out.
 
Last edited:
I will admit that, like BlackUnicorn, I am a little apprehensive about any setup where the guy insists on being the only man in the relationship. It leads me to think, rightly or wrongly, that the man is threatened by other M-F relationships.
 
You make very good points. Josh does have issues with insecurity. He says he doesn't know why he feels differently about having multiple women in the relationship, but not multiple men. Honestly, the situation has never come up before, because, well, I am not interested in any way shape or form in being with another man. I never in my life have thought of being with any other man.

When we met Lucy, she told us she was experienced and had had other "3-way relationships," to the point that her daughter wouldn't think it odd for 3 people to be in bed together because she had seen it before. She also said that she had no desire for any other man to be in the relationship, nor did she have any interest in pursuing any other relationship outside of the three of us. Had she said that she did have other interests, we would have discussed it.

Josh not communicating-- that is an issue. He has a tendency to talk to me about things about the relationship. I have, historically, been the one to bring it up, mainly because he isn't the best communicator, in that he sometimes has a sarcastic tone, that isn't necessarily meant, but yet is there. Yes, it is something he needs to work on. He did work a lot on it with this relationship. But when he did try to express his concerns and was out-and-out lied to, I think he decided that he didn't have any use for trying to communicate with dishonesty.

As for Lucy moving in, it was put to us that she either moved in or she would be homeless. I guess maybe the better option would have been to have let her and April go to a shelter. and continue to try and work on the relationship at that point.

It wasn't like Josh and I "went out looking" for her. She met him playing a game online. She pursued things much harder then he did. Then he introduced us.

She immediately told me that she had "cervical cancer," which I have now come to believe was only because I run a cancer non-profit org, and she thought it would endear her to me. I was cautious about the relationship because, well, I was less then 5 months out of treatment for cancer myself. Once she moved, in she suddenly didn't have cancer anymore.

You're right; I didn't rock the boat because of the kid. I felt that having the kid have to move into a homeless shelter was worse then trying to give her a stable home life.

By the end of the relationship, I felt like I couldn't handle the dishonesty from her anymore. Maybe Josh wasn't the most communicative. Maybe I let things go on longer then they should have, but it was in no way for selfish reasons. It was instead because I DIDN'T want to disrupt April's life.

This is the first "single unemployed mom" that Josh and I have been with. The others have been professional, highly educated, intelligent women. Those relationships ended very amicably, with us being friends to this day. But they have pursued other relationships. The difference is that when they had feelings for others, they didn't deny it over and over again. They came to us and said, "I have been talking with so-and-so, and I am not sure this is where I need to be right now," and we have agreed to go our own ways.

Even with Josh having his communication issues, there have been a nice peaceful endings. We have had about 6 relationships in the last 15 years of being together. Of those 6, the longest was over 3 years long, and the only reason that ended was because of us having to move because of Rick's work, and her not being able to move because of hers. It was THE MOST heartbreaking breakup ever. None of us were angry or upset. We were all just sad.

I keep thinking about what was said about it not being necessary for her to move in. I keep wondering if I would have been better suited to have said at that point, "You know what? We can't take you and your child in yet. We think it might work out someday, but this isn't the right time. Why don't you go get yourself set up at that shelter you were calling? We will see if maybe, after a few more months, you and your daughter will be in a better position to move in with us," and given her a ride to the shelter instead of our home. I guess I thought that was a little bit more heartless than I wanted to be toward someone I was trying to get to know and possibly be with. Who knows how things would have been different?

I have learned my lesson about young uneducated single mothers who are willing to lie and say whatever they need to, to take care of their children and their needs. I have also learned why sometimes what is said "stereotypically" isn't always just a bias and many times comes from true experiences that MANY have had.

As for the child, it wasn't that we were looking to have one, but it was kind of a situation where, once April was there, we came to love her as our own.
 
Yep, she sounds like an opportunist, who has a somewhat sporadic relationship with truth. {How come she was able to go live in her old place after all, for example?)

She was willing to bluff to get her way.

I'm sorry for being so in your face. I honestly thought this was your first foray into poly. (Your thread was, for some reason, moved into the New to Poly section.) If it has worked for you before, I shouldn't be throwing judgement your way. Obviously there are women out there who are willing to go with the 'take it or leave it' OPP, for other than purely survivalist reasons.

Just out of curiosity; did you meet your previous partners accidentally, or through advertising/poly meet-ups? I'm wondering whether the 'selection pool,' so to speak, has an effect on poly success.

I'm sorry about the kid. Lucy seemed to be willing to gamble in order to be able to get a better home environment for April, which is understandable. However, I think it's generally a better idea to start looking into intentional communities and some such, if you are struggling with making ends meet alone, than to throw yourself into a romantic situation and hope it will work out.

I have no issues whatsoever with triads. I was in a burgeoning one until recently. (Check the nickname.) But it is true what you said; I also thought I could prove the bad reputation of triads wrong, with my absolutely superior relationship skills, because everyone who said that FMF triads tended to fizzle out after the initial excitement ran out just didn't know what they were talking about. :rolleyes:

Another strike of curiosity; if both of you are interested in dating other women, have you tried to do it separately also?
 
While you may not consider dating another guy, the same may not be true for the other woman. Being open to that possibility can only work to your advantage. By asking to be the only guy, it's as if Josh is stating that there is a difference between MF and FF relationships. This could be interpreted as:

1) The love between two women is not threatening, because their relationship is not as important as that of a man and a woman.
2) I don't want my penis/lovemaking to be compared with another man's penis/lovemaking.

The easy part of being polyamorous is having the freedom to date other people, and to explore new relationships. The difficult part is accepting that you're not the only one who is entitled to that freedom. With a "one-penis policy," the guy is saying, "I want the complete freedom, but I want to add limitations to yours."

Although one aspect of a primary relationship involves financial entanglement, there is a danger that the third person could become financially dependent on the couple.

While I appreciate that you provided support out of love, it did inadvertently give you a controlling power over her life (although I suspect she was quite content to take advantage of your generosity). Such power can easily change the dynamic of the relationship. If you decide to pursue this type of relationship again, it is probably prudent to ensure that the woman is more independent, both for her sake and yours.
 
Sorry I've missed my mark

I am not attracted to other men. I know Clarice also has, for the last 15 years, been interested in other women, but not into guys. This has been pretty straightforward information all along. I'm also not looking to date a couple with the idea of taking her away from her boyfriend, so we won't even attempt to do such.

I know it's easier to simply point to my insecurities as the reason I would not want to involve another man, and, to a point, this may be true.
 
DaJoshy said:
I am not attracted to other men...
Click to expand...

I'm also not looking to date a couple, with the idea of taking her away from her boyfriend, so we wont even attempt to do such.
Click to expand...

Huh? Why would you have to date other men, just because one or more of the women you are in a relationship with want to?

Why would dating a couple (or even just a women with a current partner) be seen as "taking" her away from her boyfriend/partner?
 
SNeacail said:
Huh?

Why would you have to date other men, just because one or more of the women you are in a relationship with want to do so?

Why would dating a couple (or even just a women with a current partner) be seen as "taking" her away from her boyfriend/partner?
Click to expand...
I guess I like to think that if any woman were to have the opportunity to date me, she would immediately find me more intriguing than her current situation. I don't have any interest in dating a woman who is happy in her relationship, nor do I wish to be "that guy" that stole her from anyone. Perhaps it is to be called conceited to think I would be favored so much higher.
 
I see it as EXTREMELY one-sided, hypocritical and unfair, that you get to have two or more partners, but your partners are restricted to only one. Just saying.
 
You know, it occurs to me that maybe I am not understanding something here. Or maybe others aren't understanding things. We were in a triad, with the three of us being in a relationship. The agreement was that we would be faithful to the three of us. The agreement was also that we would decide as a triad (living together, sleeping in the same bed, about as triad as it gets) to include ANYONE else into the relationship.

I found out that she was talking to and having computer sex with someone who she is making plans with to be together (even so far as to spoken about him coming to stay in the area and them not telling Josh or me) while she and he are "saving up their money" to be together secretly, while Rick and I financially support her and her daughter, is suddenly seen as us being selfish.

Is it selfish for two people who choose monogamy to be upset when they find out the partner they agreed to be monogamous with isn't? Is it considered hypocritical to be upset that we were spending our money to further our "family," and she was saving her money so we would continue to spend ours on her? Maybe I am wrong, we were wrong, to assume that someone telling us that they are faithful and love us is telling the truth.
 
SNeacail said:
I see it as EXTREMELY one-sided, hypocritical and unfair, that you get to have two or more partners, but your partners are restricted to only one.
Click to expand...

I think you have it wrong, though. In our triad situation, we each had two partners. My wife and I discussed numerous times the idea of bringing another unicorn into our life with her, but if it's to be the situation that the unicorn wishes for another male for herself only, I can't see how "fair" that really ends up.
 
It is weird hearing you use the term "monogamy" to describe your triad. To me, this tells a lot about how you view the third partner. Very stereotypically unicorny. The two of you (the "we") plus her.
 
I wasn't refering to the cheating, secrets and lies that were going down with your girlfriend. That was absolutely not okay. I was only commenting on DaJoshy's apparent OPP (one-penis policy). To me, that is hypocritical.
 
It's not hypocritical. It's being honest. I'm not into the dudes, the wife's not into the dudes. Why do I need the dudes to be "allowed" in my relationship? To make you think higher of me, as I send him out for wine over and over again?

I have read a lot of this website, and I understand honesty is not a highly valued asset, but this overwhelming sense of deciding to attack someone for what you determine as wrong is just plain nuts. I hope you can have your own relationships with every penis in the world, if that's what you desire. It's not for us, so perhaps more progress will be made focusing on something other than your need to include more men in my relationship.

First day I post and I'm attacked for some weird illusion of "OPP"...sweet website.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top