Recent content by AggieSez

So it sounds like, when it comes to outness, what you value most are privacy, family harmony, and also avoiding social awkwardness and ostracism. Correct? These values are all totally fine. However, relationships involve other people. Do your personal values also include fairness and...

That's an interesting point. "Primary/secondary" implies hierarchy, and in a hierarchy whatever isn't at the top of a hierarchy is a lower priority that is either limited or warrants less consideration, especially when navigating conflicts or quandaries. In polyamory, hierarchy usually does...

What ethical issues arise in your nonprimary relationships? (You know, the ones that don't involve or aren't heading toward sharing a household or finances, strong public presentation as a "couple" or larger unit which "always comes first" or other explicit or implicit hierarchy, etc.) At...

Just did a blog post about the trouble with fluid bonding This thread got me thinking about the complexity, uncertainty, and stress fluid bonding (and negotiating and communicating about it) often adds to relationships, especially in a non-monogamous context. And especially because it seems...

Fluid bonding is... sticky... Yeah, OK, pun intended. Seriously, after having had a quad blow up big time due to the failure of one partner to disclose up front that she planned to have unprotected sex with a new partner right off the bat... And after having had my own husband (at the time)...

You might ask why they avoid the L word Some people (even poly people) really don't like explicit declarations of love, for a variety of reasons. Admittedly it's a word that come with a lot of social baggage and expectations -- because declaring love is a typical major benchmark of progress...

Expanded this article, more input welcome! Just a quick heads up: Since I originally published the result of this crowdsourcing project, Non-primary partners tell how to treat us well, I've continued to gather input. Today I published an expanded version of this list of tips. For more, see...

I've updated/expanded this resource. <ore input welcome! Just a quick heads up: Since I originally published the result of this crowdsourcing project, Non-primary partners tell how to treat us well, I've continued to gather input. Today I published an expanded version of this list of tips. For...

Hi, folks Many thanks to the people on this forum who contributed their suggestions on how to treat non-primary partners well in poly/open relationships. It's proven to be the most popular post on SoloPoly.net -- read over 14,000 times so far, and daily traffic is still going strong! Which is...

I prefer to remain friends with former partners, and I'm willing and able to do that. I've done it. In fact, my former spouse is one of my closest friends. Although we now live in different states, we still talk most days and visit at least a couple of times per year. In fact, he spent two weeks...

Yes, Opalescent nailed it. By referring to the social default, I was indeed referring to the surprise that people (mono or otherwise) typically express upon learning that someone (mono or otherwise) is still friends with an ex partner or lover. Even though we all know people who have positive...

One of the best aspects of polyamory is that just because an intimate relationship ends or changes doesn't mean you need to eliminate that former partner from your life -- something that's sadly the social default setting in mono-land. Setting up a positive "aftership" often requires some...

Hi, folks I feel like on SoloPoly.net I've been focusing a lot on the challenges faced by non-primary partners and poly/open people who are solo (that is, they either don't have, aren't seeking, or don't live with a primary partner of their own). But hell, it's the holidays -- so let's break...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. One of my closest friends (married and poly) also takes the view that privilege/prioritization can be earned over time by any partner in a poly network of relationships.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply, @thatgirlingray. You made a lot of good points, and I like your approach!