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I think you should just tell H and Y how you feel about H. And also tell Y that you care about her too, and completely respect her relationship with H, and don't want to cause problems for them in any way. But your feelings are there and you don't want to hide them any longer. See what they say...

What Loving Radiance just said.

In the short term, what I would do if I were you is to get retested for STDs and cease being fluid bonded with your partners for now. Or cease all potentially risky sexual activities altogether. While it is likely they used condoms with others at the parties, I don't think you can say that it is...

Sorry if I seemed to be implying that parents who did poly without veto power were irresponsible, Natja. That is not what I meant at all. But I have noticed that the poly activists and those who otherwise write about polyamory a lot online, who weigh in as strongly anti-veto, seem to be either...

Oh, good lord, London. Just because we came up with a list of potential acceptable grounds for veto doesn't mean my husband is an idiot, or that I am. It's very easy for people who are not in long-term relationships and don't have kids, to get in a froth about veto power. I reveal all our...

I believe that veto can be used sanely and responsibly to keep toxic and destructive people out of your relationship when your partner may be a bit too wonked out on NRE to see things clearly. The OP's situation does not appear to be this, of course. In my primary relationship, we have decided...

Just wondering, why do you and yout husband both have to be sexually involved with the same woman? Did you know that you can have a girlfriend and he can also, two different people?

You didn't blindside her because he had her permission to start a relationship with you. Was it supposed to not include kissing? I am wondering, did she witness the kissing? That could have triggered her in some way if he kissed you somehow differently, or more, than he kisses her. Which isn't...

I had a relationship with a cheater too, bofish, years ago when we first opened our marriage and I hadn't yet internalized the principles of polyamory even though I was identifying as poly. Mine wasn't as emotionally available as yours was, and that's why I ended the relationship, I met a poly...

Very good question! Here are some telltale signs of married men who are cheating and not being honest about it: They throw around the words "discretion" and "discreet" a lot. (They usually misspell "discreet" as "discrete" for some reason.) They make the assumption that you want the...

Schroedinger'sCat, thanks for your post and for the fun and insightful graphic you posted earlier. I don't get why the mods chose to take it down, and I am saddened that it was. There are a lot of ways to reduce conflict in threads without resorting to censorship.

Thanks so much, sparklepop. It is really fantastic to really be heard and understood here, and you did that very well. I like the lion-bluebird analogy you had. I don't think I can be a bluebird, no. The situation we had some years back with his first poly experience with the woman who...

im not stalking, if I was stalking wouldn't I be trying to go to her house and sit outside of her window or something? Nope. From the Wikipedia entry on "stalking": Stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual or group toward another person. Stalking behaviors are related to...

Being nice is not overrated. Anyone who wants their advice taken seriously would be well advised to present themselves as the kind of person someone would respect and want to take advice from. When a rude, hostile person is presenting me with relationship advice, I am far less likely to pay...

She didn't feel like hanging out with you two the other night, and didn't want to hurt your feelings so she fibbed about being tired. I've done it myself, and I suspect most people have. Sure, it's a lie, a white one. I don't think this necessarily indicates that she would be a liar about things...

It is certainly hard to go from being the number one priority to feeling pushed aside and de-prioritized for the new shiny one. I wasn't able to cope with that in a past relationship myself. Is he willing to talk to you about how you are feeling? Is she? Could the three of you talk together...

GalaGirl, thanks again. I told my husband what you said about us developing skills so we can continue in our commitment to each other, and that definitely resonated with both of us. London, it should be obvious. I don't trust his judgment of people, as I have already said, because the very...

Thanks to everyone who had constructive things to offer here. Opalescent, I think the reason I don't feel safe is I believed his judgment of people had improved since he defended the woman who threatened me physically and refused to take what she threatened seriously. This situation showed me...

The boundaries in online dating should be, figure out what you want (which could be more than one kind of thing) and don't waste your time on people who don't add value to your life. There are a huge amount of men online who want casual sex. I personally define this as "sex outside a romantic...

Good questions, Marcus. No, I am not looking for my husband to "despise" this person. Let me be a bit more clear. She told him, completely unprovoked by any interaction we ever had with her, or that he told her about, that I was abusive, controlling, and that he deserved better. He does not...