my polamorous partners are swinging again and it bothers me

M

Mintcar

New member
I am at work so I have to make this short and concise. I have been in a polyamorous "marriage" with my male/female partners for going on 7 years. (See my profile.) I told them I wanted them to stop their swinging habit, which they were active in, upon my moving in, 7 years ago. Come to find out they have been going to parties when I work Friday and Saturday nights. I'm torn and crushed and dismayed. Now they want me to join them. I don't want to, but fear I'll lose them. They just came clean after six months of this. I'm so sad.
 
Why can't you all allow one another to swing or not swing as you individually see fit?
 
So they broke agreements with you by lying. Have they even apologized when coming clean? :confused: 6 mos of lies is quite a blow. :(

Don't join them in swinging. You don't want to, and that doesn't sound like the most comforting thing to help you process your sadness anyway.

Do you have local friends you can ask for comfort? Maybe take you out to eat and air out? Help you think and make the "next steps" plan?

Hang in there. I'm sorry you are upset by and disappointed in your partners' lying behavior. :(

Galagirl
 
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I can understand you being upset about them lying to you. That is a breach of trust. Full stop. They might have lied because they are malicious, calculating bastards, or they might have changed their minds about their desire for swinging, and felt it impossible to approach you because they felt you wouldn't listen and reason about it. It might be because they knew you'd say no and they selfishly want you and swinging, regardless of your consent. The right thing to do would have been to discuss it with you. But they didn't.

Moving forward, it seems that swinging is something that they desire. If it is something that they want as part of their sex life at this time, you will have to decide whether you can allow them agency over their own sex lives and ask to hear nothing about it, or you can decide that you can't let go of what they choose to do in their sex lives with others, acknowledge a fundamental incompatibility and split.
 
I am thinking of going the not wanting to know route. Sorry, I am listening and do appreciate the responses. I really do. Just at work so it's hard. I'll give better responses when I'm off, I promise. :)
 
If you choose that route, make sure you reiterate your safer sex agreements so there can be no more betrayal, intentional or otherwise.
 
Selfish, low-down couple-centric liars treating you like a an extra, even though they claim it is a 'marriage.' Sack 'em and keep your dignity.
 
In the short term, what I would do if I were you is to get retested for STDs and cease being fluid bonded with your partners for now. Or cease all potentially risky sexual activities altogether. While it is likely they used condoms with others at the parties, I don't think you can say that it is a given. I definitely saw some condom-free intercourse at the two swinger parties I attended once upon a time, and I did not see any protected oral sex at all. And condoms don't protect you against everything anyway.

Are your partners willing to retest for STDs themselves, and are they willing to stop attending these parties? Do they understand that they cheated on you? Do they seem to want to mend your trust?
 
Wow, 6 straight months of lying to you and exposing you to STI risk you weren't aware of (because even safer sex does carry some risk) and their proposal for making things right is that you join them, even though it's obvious you don't want that? WOW. Do these people have a history of acting so self-centered and disregarding their agreements with you? Are they at least contrite about their actions? Do they care enough about this marriage to stop what they're doing while they work this out with you, or are they just going on as normal?

So sorry you're going through this. :(
 
Sorry, Mintcar. No one deserves to be treated like this.

I think my bags would be packed and I would be out of there.
 
london said:
If you choose that route, make sure you reiterate your safer sex agreements so there can be no more betrayal, intentional or otherwise.
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I'm not saying these people may not be deserving of a second chance, but I don't see how reiterating agreements can ensure there "can be no more" intentional betrayal. It seems like the agreement was clear already, and that intentional betrayal was an option for them, nonetheless. So, if they're willing to secretly have sex with other people against their agreements, whatever the reason, what's to say they wouldn't be willing to secretly have unprotected sex with other people against any future agreements?

What will actually stop betrayal from being an option in the future, since clarity obviously wasn't enough? That's what I'd need to know in order to move forward, if I were in the OP's position. I'd ask, "Are you, my partner(s) truly sorry for deceiving me? Can you convince me of that? Can you do something to show it? (E.g., abstain from extramarital sex while we work through this.) Can you explain what will be different this time, and why?"
 
I'm not saying these people may not be deserving of a second chance, but I don't see how reiterating agreements can ensure there "can be no more" intentional betrayal.
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Maybe if they feel that their need for swinging is understood by the OP. Of course, acknowledging their betrayal first, they can work towards an arrangement where they are honest and respect boundaries. Especially if they felt they were unable to approach the OP about this due to her rigid views. It doesn't mean they were right to betray her, just that they may find it easier to be honest. That might make all the difference.
 
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Yeah, I certainly think that's possible. But, in contrast, if it's a relatively brief conversation, consisting of, "So... yeah. This happened. Sorry. We're going out again this Friday. You wanna come? No? Okay, your loss. We promise to wear condoms from now on. Let's all pretend this isn't happening!" This is the "I don't want to know about it" route the OP suggests above.

I don't see any reason to expect them to stick to anything, and would advise the OP to either demand a more thorough process or to walk away.
 
Mintcar, you have given your partners more than a few second chances. I remember your old threads from a while back. They constantly went back on their word to you. This has been an ongoing issue for quite a long time. You discuss, they reassure you, agree to certain boundaries, break them in secret, and then act like they can't help it when you find out. This is not maturity nor respectful to you at all.

The following quotes are from the summer of 2012 - and it doesn't look like much has changed:
Mintcar said:
Every weekend they have friends over and get wasted. The kids even fetch their shots. It makes me feel so sad. I don't join them so that there will be a sober adult there and a driver in case there is an emergency. As a result I spend my weekends watching the kids and feel isolated from them and any guests that may come over. I spend a lot of time alone. Also, as a side note, if I were to leave I know that they would return HEAVY into the swinging lifestyle and spend most weekends partying while the kids were at grandmas . . . I don't believe in meaningless sex, not that I am condemning people who do, I just don't want it in my life. I know he resents me because I don't allow him to swing. Hell, they are probably doing it anyway behind my back. I've caught then cheating on me in the past.
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Mintcar said:
. . . He did state, however, that he no longer could see being with me forever, and that I make him unhappy most of the time, and that the only reason he still had me there was because he felt sorry for me . . . I also told him that he was a liar because when he begged for me to move in he swore up and down that his wife and I would be equals, that id be treated like a princess, etc., and it was all lies . . . this is the man I thought was my soulmate. He used to say he loved me the most and was my best friend, and that I was the most beautiful thing in the world. Lately I just feel like a concubine. When this all went down he even went as far as to say that the only reason he kept me around anymore was because I was his sex kitten and a stellar lay, and far more adventurous than his wife . . . should I stay or should I go?
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In that thread, you also said:
Mintcar said:
I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder and these things happen from time to time. Yes, I am seeinng a psychiatrist for these problems and my man and his wife know all about it.
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Are you still getting treatment and taking care of yourself in that regard?

Mintcar said:
The other hard thing is, I hate to admit it, but I'm scared. After 5 years I've put a lot of time and money in this relationship, and as I am not legally married to him, I have no legal recourse to get compensation if we break up. I am currently on unemployment as I was laid off as a foodstamps and medicaid processor, and if I left I would not have enough money to support myself. My family is crazy and broke too, so I would be homeless. I've been homeless for brief periods before and I am absoluetly petrified of having to do it again. I feel so damned weak.
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Has your financial situation improved? Do you have a job now? Is there anyone else you can stay with?

I know you love them, but love is not enough to make a relationship work and be satisfying, nor for you to be happy. They keep dumping on you and treating you as unimportant. An afterthought. And now you are considering letting them get away with whatever they want and just not know about it? How much more are you going to let them walk all over you before you realize they are treating you with absolutely no respect?

Run like hell. You deserve better. And... get tested.
 
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