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A week ago today, PN moved out. LB was away with his grandparents for the week and I was utterly and painfully alone to face my fears. There were some dire moments of excruciating wailing and gut-wrenching sorrow as a result, as my past spoke to me about times I was abandoned by my mother. I...

I am finding it very useful to post what comes up as I remember bits and pieces. I don't know how useful it is that I am making it public, but I at least hope it helps others in some way. I am not sure how. I guess as a matter of identifying what can happen. It's so easy to go from 'super poly'...

It occurs to me how unimportant I was to Mono. I felt so important for so long, but really I was the brunt of his joke of a life. How humiliating and sad. How am I going to trust my importance to someone again? One step back today. And I was doing so well.... Last week I got my motorbike...

I was on my daily walk through a beautiful garden today. I go through a rose garden that at this time of year is in full bloom and overflowing with flowers and scent. It is in an enclosed area that is surrounded by a black iron fence. I open the gate and walk through one side and come out the...

A nightmare turned into a dream last night: He was trying to have sex with me and he couldn't get inside me. I was closed up. Eventually he got off of me and looked embarrassed. He joked around and said it was okay, he had his gf every night and that he didn't need me anyway. I believed that I...

I was reminded of Mono's original story... I had forgotten. After what seemed like an affair (I never got a clear story about what happened, and still suspect that stuff happened with people I know), he asked to be 'open,' to try poly. He dated a woman in the community to try poly out. If you...

"Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt"? from the movie Ronan. I had doubt in my relationship with Mono and I was led to believe, by him, that I was crazy for thinking that. If ever I have that gut feeling of something is not right again in a relationship, I must remember to trust that.

This weekend, I am moving upstairs. I can't stand being down here anymore with these memories. PN has agreed to move his stuff down here for the duration of the month, until he moves out. I rented the apartment, the mortgage transfers later this month to me and our separation agreement is almost...

I keep hearing from the woman that told me about Mono's cheating. She is hurting and is reaching out to me. I finally told her that she needed to move on, learn from the experience and resolve never to cheat with someone else's boyfriend again, turn another leaf of integrity and hold her forever...

Sometimes the only way is to let the pain and sadness take over and let it wash over me. I just saw that movie "Inside Out." I feel like my joy memory balls are being touched by sadness. Each memory is uncertain and filled with doubt of whether or not the events were really ones where I felt I...

By the way, I am clean... not that he bothered to ask me, but I am. More testing in a few months to be sure, but as I was within the 12 period, I am confident.

Mono has moved out. After a week or more of me living with his stuff, he is finally gone. The place echoes without him here and I find myself with mixed emotions. Tonight I was angry for the first time. I paced around, did chores and threw things... yelled at my dad and tried to entertain...

He started moving out today... it will take until tomorrow. In a couple of hours I get my STI results. Could the results add to my pain? Another dagger in? We shall see.

Oh my god. The pain is so strong it rips me apart most days. Two weeks and I am still sitting in the midst of Mono's stuff, waiting for him to come and get it. I often just can't move for the weight of it. Soon, he says. He needs a place and he is happy at his gf's for now. It's a threefold...

The mornings are the hardest, between 1 and when I get up. Whhhyyyy????!!! I still struggle to understand.

Well, here goes... Mono has been cheating on me for years, with numerous overlapping hook-ups and lovers. I am not sure where it started, but I think around the time he had his encounters mentioned here in this blog. Those events seem so trivial now. I always thought there was more going on that...

My life has gone up in flames, along with the forest fires all around me on this western coast. It started with the house fire down the street on Canada Day (2015) and is closing in around me from all directions. My body is ignited and I can't get cool and it won't douse out. I feel it turning...

Very same Leo. I have spoken about him being in my life again on here before. He is open... which includes swinging.

Well said. I wouldn't do a thing differently. It all played out just as it should have. I know more now, but I can't blame anyone or myself for yesterday. The point is to learn and move on to better things. I will do just that. I might end up alone, but I will start again. Things will always be...

Thanks, Annabel. :) ........... I went out with Leo last night. Six years later and his marriage is the only one out of about ten we could name that is still together after poly becoming their lifestyle. We discussed whether or not that means poly was a success or fail. Most are with one person...