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Hello Charmaine, I hope it all works out for you with this 'big family' arrangement. Everything sounds hopeful right now, despite some jealousy. I understand your friend moved in first, before starting a relationship with your husband? And they fell in love once living together? Who proposed...

Yes, it sounds like the wife probably fell out of love with the husband as she fell in love with NZ dude. Unless she goes on forming polyamorous relationships in the future, this might just be serial monogamy. I'm not saying she consciously used poly as a cover story (it's possible for people to...

Oh right, that kind of insecurity. Yes, that's something people struggle with. Sometimes people talk about poly being in part driven by the need for variety. If you crave vastly different experiences with multiple people, a single partner can never provide that, no matter how perfect... It's...

Can you give exaples of your dynamics?

That's fine, I don't say other people can't enjoy competition, I just can't imagine, and I'd like to. I mean, I can imagine it's nice to "win", and I can imagine it's nice to show off at a club or something, but I can't imagine how that works in long-term parallel relationships.

Ethical non-monogamy. Polyamory means many loves and is generally relationship focused, with one person having multiple (dating, love, life) partners. Ethical non-monogamy is a broader term including swinging, friends with benefits, one-night stands etc. where feelings are less welcome. It's...

Could you describe the dynamics more? I don't think I'm familiar. It sounds like something under the general ENM umbrella.

Nice drawing, the proportions are right, I could see you doing more. There's one thing that puzzles me, did you mean to write "You are his first wife, AFTER all" ?

"They do like competition?" [genuinely puzzled] What kind of relationship/ENM configurations are you talking about here?

It's my take that this last conflict was likely a symptom of unaddressed issues. I don't say it to everyone on the forum, it's really something I feel more strongly with the description at hand than with other stories. I don't say it isn't a valid breaking point. To answer more specifically, I...

Neither, I see it as some people's choice. The opposite - reluctancy to date married people, because marriage implies hierarchy - is another people's choice.

My feeling is, the conflict about the trip was a substitute for other conflicts and unmet needs in your marriage. I think this, because it's blown out of proportion from both sides. You could have talked to her right when you saw the message or you could have let her conflict avoidance (telling...

This is complete news to me :)

I understand how the idea of falling below standards kinda creeps in. The idea that someone failed their mono wows by falling in love with another. The idea that someone isn't loving enough if they can't get over their jealousy and embrace the limitlessness of love. The clash of two ideologies...

It's an interesting take, and I do find that physical intimacy creates a unique bond - something I wouldn't have believed or understood when I was 17. Some people I've only been intimate (not even sexual) with only a few times have stayed very close to my heart... I'm pretty sure though the bond...

I'm not embarrassed. I said I'd stop derailing this thread.

I totally understand. I did have a bit of a one-side love thing with a kink partner this spring, and he was very clear about not wanting to go deeper because of his family, so there's that.

I don't know, maybe just cuddle. The more outgoing part of our local community seems quite cuddly, with blurry boundaries between friend and partner and random overnights. It's probably just a few individuals making this overall impression.

The only advantage I can think of right now are clear expectations (ofc. if there are clear expectations). Relationships that start as with the intention to remain casual [perhaps with clear reasons why two people become incompatible] sometimes tend to grow into primary when feelings kick in...

It's somehow common discussion topic in our small local poly community, people sharing huge beds and where to get one... I'm always surprised by it.