Are there any benefits to being a secondary in hierarchical polyamory?

S

silver-genie

Member
I've been doing a lot of research into hierarchical polyamory lately, mainly to try to figure out if I would be willing to date hierarchical poly people or stick to nonhierarchical people like myself. I've uncovered some reasons why people structure their relationships hierarchically, and why they like being a primary partner; however, I have yet to find any benefits to being a designated secondary partner, and have only read downsides. For those who have tried being a secondary partner, are there any benefits from being a secondary that one would not get from practicing nonhierarchical polyamory?
 
Yes, there are clear benefits to being a "secondary." Of course, it depends on your personality, and other factors in your life.

If you live a distance from your partner, you may seldom be able to see them.
You like your independence.
You are partnered, and have a primary (or perhaps two primaries) already yourself, and don't want a full on "relationship escalator" relationship with your other partner/s.
You have children, a demanding career, or are immersed in college studies, so you don't have much time for a relationship.
You are introverted and like plenty of downtime, so you really don't want to immerse yourself in another's life (at this time, or ever).

To make sure you are safe with this partner, who can only see you as their secondary, please read this:

 
That's one of the articles I saved in my research.

It sounds like you're saying being a secondary is beneficial for those who like independence and not a lot of time commitment or life entanglement. However, it's possible to have relationships like that in nonhierarchical polyamory, too. I'm trying to figure out if there are benefits to being a secondary that can only come with hierarchical polyamory, like how there are clear privileges for being the primary partner.
 
The only advantage I can think of right now are clear expectations (ofc. if there are clear expectations). Relationships that start as with the intention to remain casual [perhaps with clear reasons why two people become incompatible] sometimes tend to grow into primary when feelings kick in, leading to less-then-healthy dynamics as people rub against the incompatibilities they knew about from the very start. If you [like me] are someone who is susceptible to that, but still want some variety, it might help to date [kink with] someone who's very clear about his priorities, availability and the role this "secondary" relationship in his life.
 
Well, a lot of us dislike the term secondary, so we wouldn't choose to be classified as one. If you yourself want to be a "secondary," go for it. If the person you want to date is making sure you know you will always be sort of a second class partner, a "side piece," and you don't like that, then, seems to be you could choose to not date them.

Do you yourself have any ideas of what the "benefits of being a secondary" would be? Could you list them? I mean, I listed every one I could think of. I don't think being a secondary sounds great for me.

My bf has another serious partner. Maybe she is in more of a secondary position to me, because:

She's married.
She lives about a 90 minutes' drive away.
She has a small house, and two bedrooms. Their adult child lives in the second guest room. Aries can't do overnights there because the adult child doesn't want to wake up to their mom's bf sleeping on the couch.
Aries is not welcome to share the bed of his gf and her husband. (His gf and her husband are plus size, and the bed probably isn't big enough, for one reason).
Having sex in Sadie's house is somewhat problematic, what with the husband, the kid, etc. Aries and Sadie sometimes go to a swingers club just to enjoy a private room together.
Sadie doesn't like to go out and do vanilla dates often.
She is busy and works two jobs.
Aries is fully involved in my homelife, and has met and hung out with people in my life, garden-party style.
Aries can't host Sadie at his place. She hasn't met his family/friends, while he has met her family and her swinger friends.
 
The benefits you listed are all the ones I could think of for having less entangled or serious relationships, as are typically the case with secondaries. I couldn't think of any that were exclusive to being a secondary that wouldn't also be present in nonhierarchical polyamory.

Tinwen, unfortunately none of the primary partnered people I've matched with have ever been that clear with expectations. In fact, the only way I knew what role hierarchy might play is because I asked vetting questions, and even after asking I didn't have a very clear idea. [Or I thought I did, but they misrepresented it. My worst experience was asking a guy if he had veto power or any rules that could impact me, and he assured me he did not. On our first date, his wife showed up in person angry at him for not checking in during the date, and he left as a result.] In most cases, they didn't even disclose that they were hierarchical until I asked, leaving me to wonder if/when they would have ever disclosed. [I should note that the first thing in my profile is that I'm nonhierarchical poly. If I were hierarchical and I matched with a person who said they were nonhierarchical, I would disclose that in my first message.]
 
silver-genie said:
Tinwen, unfortunately none of the primary partnered people I've matched with have ever been that clear with expectations.
Click to expand...
I totally understand.
I did have a bit of a one-side love thing with a kink partner this spring, and he was very clear about not wanting to go deeper because of his family, so there's that.
 
Hello silver-genie,

The main benefit I can think of is that if you are a secondary partner, and as such receive a secondary amount of time and attention, then you are also free to invest less time and attention in that relationship, they can be secondary to you too, and you are also free to invest more time and attention into seeking your own primary partner. This benefit is of course more significant for some folks than it is for others, but it's the one that comes first to my mind. As for me, I live in a nonhierarchical V in which all three of us are considered primary to each other. So you can have multiple primaries in a nonhierarchical setup.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
IMO, the biggest benefit of being secondary is all the fun, none of the mundane (and often stressful) life maintenance plans to deal with.
 
silver-genie said:
The benefits you listed are all the ones I could think of for having less entangled or serious relationships, as are typically the case with secondaries. I couldn't think of any that were exclusive to being a secondary that wouldn't also be present in nonhierarchical polyamory.
Click to expand...

This is interesting and I get what you're saying. Nonhierarchical poly can include relationships that are less entangled and have natural limitations on escalation--for example, someone you see once a month with no plans to live together because you are each already living with someone else and happy with the once-a-month level of connection. All fun, no home maintenance, free time to devote to other relationships.

But a hierarchical poly person could have the same exact arrangement with a "secondary." Is there a functional difference between that and the above example, besides the label?

I guess for me the difference would be that a hierarchical/secondary arrangement sounds like it is imposed by someone else (usually, the hierarchical spouse), whereas the same exact arrangement in with a nonhierarchical label sounds like the two people in it created the relationship that worked best for each of them.

Plenty of nonhierarchical poly people refuse to date hierarchical poly people for exactly that reason, even if they can see the benefits of a secondary-like relationship, or would be fine with that same style of relationship in a nonhierarchical context.

On the other hand, sometimes people claim to be "nonhierarchical" when really there is a lot of implicit hierarchy in their relationship structure, so maybe they would be better off openly embracing the hierarchy label, if there wasn't such a stigma attached to it.

I think it's very hard to be a "secondary" partner when you don't have a primary partner (and want your own primary partner). The people I know who are happy with having the "secondary" label are in happy poly marriages to a "primary" partner of their own, and often deliberately sought out another hierarchical married poly person as their second partner.

Maybe the key is, if you are someone's secondary, they should be YOUR secondary, too.

But personally, I would have a hard time dating someone whose poly values are hierarchical.
 
Yeah, devoting less time and energy to a relationship may be a benefit to some people. For me personally, while I'm nonhierarchical/solo poly, I don't really want secondary-style relationships. I'd like to treat all my relationships like primary ones - seeing each other once or twice a week, being a priority in each other's lives, no rules placed on me by other people, giving and receiving plenty of emotional support, etc. I think the only way I'd be open to being a secondary is if the relationship someone had to offer still met the above criteria.
 
I think we can see from the opinions expressed here that for polyamorists, non-hierarchical paradigms work best. Western culture, the US Constitution, etc., place emphasis on equality, so I believe that carries over into what we (most of us) want in polyamorous relationships.

The idea of the sacred couple "adding a third" as an accessory, a fun plaything, a fuck toy, an "enhancement" to their "real" relationship was always insulting to the "third." It might come from swinger culture, where the MF couple is the sort of foundation, and everyone else they "play" with is less than fully human, just used for their looks, charm and sexual parts. You don't need to know their history, their joys, certainly not their sorrows or their struggles. Let's just "have fun-- drink, dance, hit a bowl, eat a snack, flirt, have adult fun, fuck," and say goodnight.

You can become infatuated with a person you are just "having fun" with. But in swinging, "real life" happens with your opposite sex partner, the commitment, jobs, mortgage, home renovations, maintenance, kids and their education, lovely vacations and holidays, and so on.

So, as a mere "secondary," you could be seen as the "good time girl/boy," nothing serious, a leisure-time activity, so to speak. And if that's all you seek as you seek a secondary, or if that's all you want as a secondary, well and good. But if you acknowledge that people tend to fall in love and want to share more than the "good times," have a "ride or die," and not just a "fair weather friend," it's probably best to stay away from dating people in hierarchical relationships. If you're sick, or injured, or your dog or your mom is dying, you won't be able to rely on a person who puts their "real" partner ahead of you, always.
 
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