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Let's see if I'm understanding you right here........... It seems you have this picture......... Sex for sex sake = just sex = OK Love = noble = OK Sex PLUS love together = 'something else' = not sure about this 'new' thing' Maybe one thing that might help is getting clear that what he & she...

Ah yes, a very wise idea, likely. A lot of otherwise well-meaning groups have been saddled with religious underpinnings. The trick is to pick what is solid logic and science and just ignore the propaganda. It IS possible.

Hi Paradigm, Well, I might start with asking myself what associations I have with "penetration" ? "Sex" is a broad term and involves a whole variety of things. You seem to be at least trying to convince yourself you are comfortable with all of you having "sex". But are you truly there yet ...

Yes Aitch - it is just one small piece. Good to keep that perspective. And the importance of that 'piece' varies with individuals. I understand your desire to have someone you can share all this with as you work through. That's the nature of the beast. There are many fine, caring people...

Hi MInexxa, I think the most important thing for anyone that's currently in a 'secondary' position (we all hate that term but as you say - we also know what it means) is to keep everything in perspective. This 'secondary' status in a relationship is little different than when you start a...

Hi MT, Are you still around, following this thread? I have a thought or two that may be helpful in some way, if you are still around. Let us know. GS

Hey RP, I think I would try to work in the concept we talk about - i.e. "Fullness". I think there is a percentage mono people that don't necessarily struggle with the concept of poly from a theoretical basis as much as they can't see it being applicable to them because of their own lower...

Hey Mohegan, Well one common thing, but certainly not the only, is the power/control element. The more anyone knows about you, the more potential control/power they have over you. Think blackmail, although there's more potential in more subtle things than that. But depending on someone's life...

Only a general thought........... "Commitment" has kind of become a loaded term and different people are going to react to it differently. So it's a word I'd use with a lot of caution. In the current culture - especially if there's any connection to the 'standard model', commitment generally...

Hey Erosa, I think it's important to stay connected to the fact that our personal views/experience is exactly that, personal, unless we intentionally find ways to make the base a lot wider/more encompassing. I suspect your experience is quite narrow and has a built in amount of cultural bias...

That's awesome to hear Sikau. Happy for him, and you, also. Obviously, I know nothing of the issues/history, and it's none of my business anyway, so not my place to comment, except in a general fashion. But often a big part of therapy is teaching people how to gain control in their life to help...

I totally agree with you here RP. You can't recover loss of innocence or illusions. I think I was alluding to that somewhere. And THAT is part of maturing / living. And I hate it (that loss of innocence). I hate that it can turn us in a general direction of pessimism. But it is what it...

Ok -- with you here. But remember - we're talking about various reasons he's not providing what YOU need - in frequency. You say it's 'fine - satisfactory' - but I think you mean from YOUR perspective. It may not be that 'fine' for him. I don't want that to start some insecurity slide for...

Hi Sikau, I feel for the place you are at. This is typical of why the whole "happily ever after" fantasy is such a cruel delusion. As we live and mature, we start to discover more of who we really are. If we were going to advise our kids, what would we tell them about making (supposed)...

Hi there Aitch, I'll second NYC's suggestion about seeing if you can't find a FB yourself that you connect with. Secondly, I think I'd investigate what turns him on now (because it may have changed) and analyze where I'm not meeting that spec. This isn't an easy thing because it opens us...

Thanks for sharing this additional stuff. I think it might be helpful for a lot of readers. I'm glad you took the time to talk things through and that the clarity came from it. That's a great thing about people who connect well. Sometimes we all just need reminders - to revisit - stuff we've...

Hi Il2M :) I think this is the part of poly awareness that you can never lose once you discover it. I also think everyone is capable of being attracted to others, whether it's only physically or emotionally. But whether we act on it depends on a lot of things. "owning" our poly-ness...

Hi Seasnail, Thanks for chiming in because from your writing it sounds like your situation (and reaction) are great examples of what we're talking about. And trying to gets some ground laid to do 'better'. Looking back (hindsight always 20/20) was this 'feeling' legitimate ? Is a feeling of...

Well, more info changes the context here. 2-4 times a week is pretty good for most people with anything else going on in their lives. Seems masturbation should be able to fill in the gaps there for a majority of people. If that's really that unsatisfying I think they need to work on connecting...

Hi Sinew, This is one of the hard parts about getting on the same page. Although I haven't personally read the book either, I like NYCindie's advice to check out that Love Languages title. I've also heard good things about it. Maybe something in there can help get the ball rolling. I suspect...