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Welcome, MamaBear! RP's advice is always good. There are no set rules on how things must go, but there are some good guidelines: 1) There are no set rules on how things must go, but there are some good guidelines. (This is important enough to repeat, yes.) 2) Communication is critical to any...

In my first marriage, the we had veto power--the ability to deny a partner from getting involved with another person. I never used it, and she used it almost constantly. It wound up becoming a source of severe friction between us because it had turned us into a de facto swinger and a mono...

I would hope that Nezumi's sense of defensiveness dissipates over time. It's not uncommon when someone feels like they are losing something that they had a tendency to become defensive. What Nezumi might not yet process is that he's not losing Sofia. My mono and I have been together for 4 and...

Some years before I met K, I was married to L briefly. When L forced me to choose between the unicorn (oddly enough, M, and I'm a J: J, K, L, M...) that she brought into the relationship (a triad) and her, I wasn't comfortable with how I felt like an accessory in her life rather than a...

Since J already knows you like T and dance and drink with him, and since you and J are open to swinging, the only real gap is emotions. In your story, you specifically mention that you don't expect a long-term thing and do good that T finds his own soul mate. Thus, the stated degree of...

Nezumi, like RP, I am a poly in a mono/poly relationship. Some things popped up in your story that I'll address, but do take RP's reading advice as well. You mentioned that your gf spoke about the past "framed" in a "sort of way." This may be you trying to catch the gist of her communication...

I sort of fell into poly relationships 16 years ago and have has poly and mono relationships intermingled since. I first heard the term polyamory six years ago when I was ending a mono relationship that was faltering because of my poly mindset and lack of jealousy. Five years ago I began to...

I'd likely be in the same number range (1 to 2) for anxiety over losing a love. I recognize that this is part personality and part situation and my own decisions have shaped this. For example, when K (my mono wife) has giving birth to L (our only child--a son), she very nearly died. So I know...

This community tends to be intensely direct. This isn't a reflection of any desire to hurt but a response to the realiry that nit being direct causes a lot of problems in a functional poly world (and in the traditional world, too). If your feelings get hurt, listen to the criticism and ask...

With an ex actively trying to destroy her life and a traumatized daughter, Jane is not going to be a helpful resource right now. I would strongly advise against talking to her abiut your hurt at this time. Consider how Jane might take that: your daughter's been abused, and your husband is...

You will need to have that talk with your wife. Soon is good, but if she's been away for a while, let her tt home and reestablish your connection as a couple before you have that talk. Walking through the door and having a day or two together might not be enough for her to feel reconnected, so...

IG, it does seem that the ideal you want to attain is fundamentally different than what she wants, and that neither of you is willing to change. This doesn't mean anyone is wrong, but it does mean there's core incompatibility. As such, your destination partner is not Maya. That said, you...

RC, glad you're figuring out a workable position. Given the many ups and downs, you might also consider what steps you would need to take if everything goes sour again. In simple terms, have the groundwork laid in place for both a successful path and an alternative path. Perhaps knowing that...

Glad you're finding some amount of domestic tranquility, RC.

Sometimes using a universally understood, though universally inaccurate term gets the point across. Thanks for the unending waves of clarification, education, and loving derision. That said, if folks here have not read anything by Temple Grandin, she's a high-functioning autistic... dammit...

I'm a big fan of males that have decided they're done having kids getting snipped. Let's see, birth control methods: male condoms, female condoms, films, foams, IUDs, diaphragms, pills, subdural implants, birth control patches, abortion, withdrawal (really? um, ok...), crocodile dung (ancient...

GS's comment to go into things with an open mind and no agenda is good advice for almost any poly or potentially poly situation. A question you might want to think about is why a poly relationship and a swinger relationship provoke different responses. After a lifetime of mono programming, a...

And a metric fucktonne of people in the forums at polyamory.com. Just sayin'. ;)

My mono and I are pretty good about scheduling and routines. As such, she notices when something is out of place. Occasionally if I have something that is optional that really doesn't have my interest, I'll seek her out and offer to do something with her. Usually she'll ask why I'm not...

If my math is correct, his (Him1) partner is having trouble with his (Him2) relationship, and him1 wants to help him2 research things that could improve the situation.