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Agreed. And she is not responsible for your happiness. RC's happiness is RC's job. There's a reason I rewrote your "answer to" line as "independent... individuals." You can be a loving and caring man, and she can be a loving and caring woman, without needing the other to be happy. Instead, you...

A quick caution, RC. Ultimatums are really scary. Your plan is reasonable in that it sounds like what you need to process things. But it could come across as aggressive or a threat. When my first wife (also poly) pushed me with an ultimatum, my reaction was to call her on it and walk. To...

Hello again, RC. First off, *hug*. Right now sucks. I've been in some sucky situations that were similar, both in poly relationships and mono ones. Relationships can suck like that. They also can get better, or they can end. With kids involved, your relationship will never really end, so...

TruckerPete, I read it as Tony would open the conversation and get a feel for things. You are correct that the ladies should chat at some point, sooner rather than later.

Dani11's idea might be a reasonable start. If Maria is unsure, hearing from Tony that it's okay with him might help her see that they're being open, and it might reassure her that spouses can accept such things.

Poppa hurt Pinky. Pinky thinks Poppa hates her. Pinky says she did wrong things (a lot, evidently). There's an awful lot of hurt in those words--hurt and probably no small amount of guilt. I know the idea of Pinky and Poppa holding you and reassuring you seemed to resonate. Comforting...

*comfort* Guy to guy here: one thing I've learned as a dude is that we are programmed to fix things. When there's a problem, we want to find and apply a solution as quickly as possible. If we get hurt, we want to punch a wall, say bad things about someone's lineage and personal habits, and move...

*comfort* If there's one definite downside to poly life, it's the frequent drama. Let's hope that this drama is more sound and fury. If you don't mind, I'm going to ask some questions to look into this situation. Some of this may be uncomfortable. Understand from the start that I'm asking...

JD, I'm working on a reply. Breathe, hon. *hug*

I can see why you'd wonder if your understanding of things matches Maria's. Have you had any indication from her that she's ok with you and Zach being together? One person you might talk to about who to approach Maria would be Zach. I didn't see any part of your story that mentioned talking to...

In reading your story one line popped out for me. It was the part about her getting to a place where it's ok to be poly. I read that as ok for her to be poly. In which case, you have an obvious issue. If I read that right, I'd ask why she needs to be poly? There are many happy mono-poly...

If you look for the tag "jealousy," there's plenty in the forums for ideas and such. You can start with the idea that jealousy is common and that feeling jealous doesn't make you a bad person. Our feelings are what they are; it's how we handle them that define who we are. You also sound like...

RC, glad to help. You can still be a perfect husband. Having a poly wife doesn't change whether you can be a good husband (it just makes it mor interesting ;)). I'm happy for you to hear that you felt the jealousy coming on but managed to keep it controlled. That's real progress. And when...

*wh-crack!* You're a naughty girl! *spankity spank spank* Naughty, naughty, naughty! Now go to my room! Did that help? ;) By all accounts, you have supportive people around you. Focus on venting the stress and get back to the love. In some ways, your mother's reaction may feel like a...

JD, *hug*. Now is a high-stress time. Try to breathe. Yes, she's your mother, and she's obviously important to you, but she'll always be your mother. You told her something which is likely foreign and very scary compared to her life expereince. (Compare her reaction to your son's to get...

Nouryia, you might be over-analyzing NRE. Yes, it can last for extended periods or short periods. You seems to be on the long plan. Part of this might be because of the accidental fall-into-poly situation. Think of it this way, When you started dating as a mono, everything was shiny and new...

RC, thanks for the added details. In general terms, it sounds like you have three people who get along and are interested in maintaining stable and healthy relationships. That's a pretty good start. Right now, IMHO, you have two things going on: NRE and what I call PAS (Poly-Adjustment...

Poly is a squirrelly beast that's hard to pin down. Have there been polys who became monos (de facto or fully)? Absolutely. It we zoom out just a bit, the question is essentially "has someone realised they took on too much and moved on?" People get themselves into messy situations all the...

It's a good sign you're keeping the communication going. As for her reaction that she's feels she's defending her feelings, that an understandable reaction. One simple technique you might try is telling her how you have derived benefit from sharing your worries with helpful, concerned people...

Heh. Sometimes I wonder if a gender indicator (gendercator?) would be good on these posts. *sigh* Looks like I need to recalibrate my poly-decoder ring. *click*clicky*click* The questions remain essentially the same. In some ways, the details you added remind me of any early poly...