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JaneQSmythe, I wish I could "like" your post, more than once. This is a concept that has to be explained to men that women implicitly understand. We understand the difference between gossip & warnings, but we LISTEN.

PowerPuffGrl, I'm so very sorry to hear about your sister; there are no words large enough to describe how terrible that is. Much love to you. (I hope that comes off as sincere, and not trite. I don't know you, but I have enormous empathy for your pain and loss.) Mags, I am listening to your...

This is not meant to challenge you explicitly, but more of a general question: why tolerate abject jerks, tensely or otherwise? Why ignore toxicity? Why not help create welcoming environments for everyone? My example of seeing bad behavior, addressing it directly, being ignored, addressing it...

I could not have said it better.

There is so much I wish to say about this! I feel this topic is a derailment of the original question, though, which has largely been examined (though I am open to other insights). Briefly, then, I'd just say that "women in a secondary role to males" is a very easy dynamic to slip into. If the...

Shaya, I'm ashamed that it took me this long to recognize your avatar as the Dead Milkmen logo. I believe in swordfish! *we now return you to your regularly scheduled programming*

These are two separate discussions. I want to be clear that Peter has NEVER sexually assaulted anyone. Emm & I are talking about the larger picture, about WHY women talk to other women in a way that's often labeled as "gossip." Sometimes it's petty crap, sometimes it's vital information. I pay...

As someone who has NO problem being assertive with those exhibiting bad behavior, I have to disagree. I saw someone at a group ride behaving in a manner that really concerned me. Twenty other people saw it, too. Only one other guy cared. We confronted Jackhole together. When I talked to him...

These questions are welcome, and ones which I have spent quite some time chewing on. Introspection & personal accountability are the foundations of healthy relating! Having examined my motives, I feel I can honestly say that it's not the damage I'm drawn to. I spent some time in my early-mid...

Thank you! The "missing stair" is EXACTLY the concept I'd been trying to explain in my earlier post. I don't at all feel that Peter is a missing stair, but the guy who'd been assaulting women for years certainly was one, and gained legitimacy through association with honest, moral people. He...

You're correct. He has only scratched the surface of the work that needs to be done. When we chatted the other night, he said he understood what parolees must feel like - they'd committed a crime, done their time, but were always under suspicion. (Yes, I recognize that it's an inappropriate...

Fair enough. It's clear that she had motivations beyond altruism. But it is why I listened in the first place. I've never experienced being warned about a person beyond "hey, that guy over there is creepy and disrespectful." It happened when we were newly minted, and I may have given it too much...

I've never dated a narcissist, but I'm familiar with the signs. It is indeed why I acted unethically by snooping. The lack of remorse freaked me the fuck out. But there are also words of regret in there that he wrote about his ex-wife, about her warm & loving nature & his emotional black hole...

To some extent, I agree with this. Gossip's not sexy or welcome. However, in the bike community, there are smaller fringe groups who are a) young b) poor c) often drinking heavily or using drugs and d) mistrustful of the police. There is no leader or authority in those groups; they self-police...

I agree with all of this. The bike community here is large. I've made my own decisions about who seems safe & healthy & who doesn't. There is a Venn diagram of friend overlap, and I've slowly befriended those in his circle who feel right to me. That first heads-up was appreciated. The...

He also wrote that he could "feign innocence & claim I don't know why I lied, but we know the truth, don't we? I enjoy lying. It's an act of cruel power over another." When we talked last night, I told him "you wrote about those women like you hated them." "I didn't hate them," he said. "I...

Most of your advice is spot on and welcome, even the bits that sting a bit. The tingle means it's working, right? I don't plan to break up with this guy. My post here is a snapshot of my worst self, not the self which is a healthy grounded individual always striving for improvement. As of this...

This is useful advice. Yes, I have accepted this risk, and we've talked about where my boundaries are & how I will behave if they're violated. Not rules for him ("if you screw up, there will be consequences!") but boundaries for me ("I can't be in a relationship with someone who cheats; if that...

I don't interpret your question as snarky in the least. It is a question I have asked him, in so many words. I'm a pragmatist; I don't believe in the fairy tale of "but my LOVE will change him!!!" The only behavior I can change is my own. He'd previously expressed his belief that unwanted...

Ravenscroft, I agree with your points about monogamy-as-practiced. In my last open relationship, I encountered people who would've been comfortable cheating with me, but shied away from honest non-monogamy. Peter has many "role models" in his father & uncles, all of whom have cheated on / art...