The answers here aren't only for him to do some major work, but for you to recognize what's going on for yourself. Why are you drawn to this situation and why can't you walk away? You don't have to answer, but consider why this extremely troubled man is so very attractive to you.
Do you love him enough after 9 months to be willing to go through this journey with him, knowing that a relapse is possible? I ask the question kindly but the words I type somehow don't show the kindness I know I'm feeling in my heart as I type it, with apologies.
A good question. I would also ask, "If Present Peter is a man you feel you love deeply, will you still love Future Peter who has freed himself from his old errors?"
These questions are welcome, and ones which I have spent quite some time chewing on. Introspection & personal accountability are the foundations of healthy relating!
Having examined my motives, I feel I can honestly say that it's not the damage I'm drawn to. I spent some time in my early-mid 30s ignoring my issues related to untreated ADD. I was ashamed of my "flaws" & hid them from others. This avoidance of self-work, coupled with PTSD from Beast's abandonment, led me to choose either emotionally unavailable men, or men who were also flawed/avoidant. I didn't trust declarations of love, I didn't trust anyone not to leave me, and I didn't feel I could partner with someone truly healthy, as they would "see" me, and find me lacking. At the same time, my strong moral center and previous experience with healthy relationships led me to rail against shitty treatment. I knew it felt wrong, but I stayed anyway. I chose a LOT of hurt for myself, for many years.
When I finally chose counseling (and ultimately, medication), I shed those unhealthy choices. This is also why I was alone for so long; I had work to do, and I needed to find my center again. Like everyone, I'm still a work in progress, but I'm proud of myself and the changes I've made.
Side note: Beast reconnected with me last year, seeking to reestablish a friendship. He couldn't accept accountability for his choices, and so I regretfully severed connection. (Our friendship stretched back to 1999; there was a lot of history & love before shock & awe.) So, I do feel quite capable of walking away from untenable situations.
What attracts me to Peter? There are three major attractors. One, the feeling of being desired and appreciated as a whole person (not just for sex or what I can offer him). I feel loved, listened to, and (largely) understood. I'm honest about my struggles & challenges, and feel supported through them. This is part of what draws me to support him as he does HIS work; I understand what it's like to seek and make positive change in oneself.
Two, the understanding that everything's on the table. What I read was terrifying, but it wasn't new information. He's not hiding, or lying, or making excuses. His willingness to be vulnerable & share intimacy with me invites my trust. In recent days, he's revealed that he still struggles with "ugly" feelings (his label), though those feelings have largely dissipated. He wants to work through this stuff in counseling, and has repeatedly expressed a desire to be a healthy person, and to have a healthy "us." This is a marked contrast to the attitudes of many other men I've dated, who could not bear the idea of examining their own shit. I was clear with him from the beginning: I will not partner with someone who will not do self-work. I suppose the attraction to vulnerability could read as an attraction to damage, but I've turned it over & looked at it from many angles. I honestly don't believe that's a factor.
Three, the connection we are currently sharing is pretty damn good. From the start, it has felt natural, fun, hot, safe, and sweet. My fears are all past-and-possible-future fears, untethered to the present. We both really value the relationship we're sharing. If he / ex-lovers hadn't revealed his past, I wouldn't have known it based on his treatment of me. I DO feel invested, though I'm aware of the sunk-cost fallacy; I won't keep investing if it starts to feel shitty.
Karen, "Why CAN'T you leave" doesn't feel like quite the right question here - it doesn't feel as though there's yet a REASON to leave. Does that make sense?
Ravenscroft: Ooh, that's a good one. My ex-"husband's" brother dated a girl in high school who was a nasty piece of work. Plot twist: she had a brain tumor. Once it was removed, she was a lovely, kind young woman. He dumped her.
I think: yes. Future Peter who's done years of work & made changes will be different from Current Peter. I look forward to meeting that person, and imagine I will be Future Me, as well. All evidence points to two people who wish to change and grow individually, as well as together.