A future with two women I love?

[givemore]

I understand that there are many seemingly natural emotional tendencies that do not lend themselves towards polyamory, such as jealousy and lack of confidence, among others. However, my current partner Iris and I are very open-minded. We embrace the logic behind polyamory. But I personally struggle with the thought of sharing her.

Iris seems a bit more emotionally mature in this regard, though I struggle in my own mind with the thought of ever bringing her and this other woman together. This other woman, Willow, is actually an ex-girlfriend of mine, who, since meeting my current partner, I have been able to grow an impressive love and respect for. Iris fulfills me in more ways than I ever dreamed, surprisingly so, after practically giving up. It is now obvious to me that Willow is important to me, and in many ways complements what I get from my current relationship. That may have sounded contradictory. What I mean is that Iris fulfills me, but now, in my fulfillment, I've found that Willow awakens a part of me that isn't awake without her around. I believe it is a very important in balancing me out. (I'm naturally overly-analytical, but she awakens an emotional honesty and child-like curiosity.)

My intentions are not purely selfish. Please don't argue this point here. Both women love me, although Willow is struggling with feelings for her current partner. We also don't need to address this right now, I don't think it will last. It won't fulfill her.) But besides wanting to share my life with both of them, I am incredibly anxious, but excited, to imagine what they could offer to each other.

I'm currently finishing up a degree while living on campus at school. I will be done in less than two months. I feel that time is running out. They have been introduced. Nothing noteworthy has occurred. They were both surprisingly mature during the encounter(s). I think a lot of the anxiety and fear of things not working out are in my head, but I also believe that the likelihood of things working out to the extent that I want them to is unlikely.

Please, I do not want to marry anyone, but I love two women intensely and complementarily, and feel that it is important to have them both in my life. I am excited when I imagine what the three of us could do together. How can I re-introduce them to each other, warm them up to the idea (if necessary), or introduce them into situations together whereby they could grow to like each other and consider seriously these thoughts that I've presented to you? I've brought up these feelings with both of them in different not-so-subtle ways and have seen mostly confusion on their faces. I believe there is some nervousness and fear (of losing me, in Iris's case).

Any and all advice is appreciated. Thank you!

 

[shirleymhungry]

A future with two women that you love, perhaps separately

I think the #1 most common polyamorous dream is to love two people, and have those two people also be interested in each other, and you all have sex together, and there's love in all directions! Unfortunately, it's a really difficult one to achieve.

My advice to you in this situation would be to continue to foster each relationship separately, encouraging friendship between both your partners where you can. If you try to make them interested in each other sexually or romantically, or if you place this expectation upon your relationships, you will likely end up with one or two ladies who resent you or, more likely, resent you and the other one.

Unfortunately, you can't make relationships happen. The likelihood that a person is compatible with not just you, but with your other partner as well, is low, as what attracts you to people is probably not the same thing your partner is looking for. A lot of poly people struggle with placing this limitation and expectation on future potential partners.

The other thing is that relationships are organic, not manufactured. While arranged marriages actually have a high success rate, in my experience, arranged relationships do not. You fell in love with both of your partners by getting to know them and exploring what kind of relationship the two of you are suited to have together. You have to let them experience this same process, too. If you'd like to maybe someday have a triad or even just a once-a-year threesome, you have to be willing to accept the possibility that they might just be friends. Encourage their friendship and let them see what comes out of it. You must do this genuinely and without expectations, or they will feel your attachment to the sex.

Also, there's no shame in wanting to have sex with two people you love, or just in wanting to have a threesome. It's completely okay to have selfish wants, as long as you proceed with integrity and respect and an understanding that while your partners love you, they may not want to love each other in that way. The fact that they're friendly and kind towards each other is a great starting point!

 

[AutumnalTone]

Welcome to the boards!

The obvious question is this: Have you spoken with them about it? Everything hinges on you being forthright and honest about what you want. Without you bringing up the topic and discussing it, nothing will happen. Two women who are accustomed to monoamorous relationships are not going to suddenly get the idea that they want to share a man, even one with whom they have some relationship history. If you want to be involved with both of them, then you have to discuss it with both of them.

 

[givemore]

Thanks for the responses!

Shirley, the situation actually has very little to do with sex. In that, I've surprised myself.

I've discussed the topic with Iris in general terms, and I've also discussed Willow's interactions with Iris. Iris acknowledges that polyamory makes sense, and in many ways seems more emotionally prepared to handle it than I would be if the roles were reversed. However, she didn't enjoy my attempts to be open about Willow's interactions. There is no compersion here yet. But I think I need to be more open with Iris about how important Willow is to me. I need to be more open and honest than I already am about how Iris is first and foremost, and irreplaceable, but I also need to be open about my thoughts about a poly relationship before describing Willow's interactions, so that my Iris doesn't think she's going to lose me.

I've very briefly beaten around the polyamory bush with Willow a couple months ago, when she proposed that we see each other less because it bothered her current boyfriend. That put a strain on the open loving nature of our relationship, but after discussing things, she actually started calling me to hang out more often than before. However, she was occasionally oddly reserved in her interactions with me.

I have not brought up the possibility of her joining Iris, nor even the topic of a polyamory in general, because I believe she is very conflicted and is holding onto her current boyfriend for lots of forced reasons. If she is as happy as she sometimes claims, then I certainly don't want to strain her current relationship. I don't believe she'll let go of that relationship (long-distance) until after graduation, when she gets to spend more time with him, and in some ways I feel as though a window of opportunity will have passed to have spent time together (all three perhaps) in a more neutral environment, and more often than will be possible in the future.

In any case, I am excited for Iris to come home from her vacation in Puerto Rico and lose myself in her presence again-- Wednesday! I will continue to hang out with Willow whenever the interest in mutual. I do not think it is my place to prod about her current relationship. I will let her figure that out on her own, unless she specifically asks for my thoughts on the subject. I will continue to strengthen my relationship with Iris, and plan for my post-graduation future. I'll continue to strengthen my relationship with Willow as time allows.

It's terribly frightening to feel any sense of control at all when on the potential brink of something as seemingly beautiful as a larger family of love, however improbable. I'd like to say I should just let things happen as they may, but that's a blind man's advice. In any case, regardless of the turnout, I'm in a situation, however frightening, that makes it easy for me to feel an overwhelming appreciation for my life.

Thanks for the advice. More advice is always welcome. If anyone seems interested, I'll keep you updated.

Progress and Love

 

[lpinoakland]

Updates?

Thank you for sharing your situation. I know it has been some time, but I would like to hear more.

I am in an almost identical situation and would really appreciate hearing how this worked out, or didn't.

Thanks.

 

[Snowdancer]

The #1 most common poly dream-- you love two people, they are also interested in each other, you all have sex together, and there's love in all the directions! Unfortunately, it's a really difficult one to achieve.

My advice to you in this situation would be to continue to foster each relationship separately, encouraging friendship between both your partners where you can. If you try to make them interested in each other sexually or romantically, or if you place this expectation upon your relationships, you will likely end up with one or two ladies who resent you or more likely who resent you and the other one.

Unfortunately, you can't make relationships happen. The likelihood that a person is compatible with not just you, but with your other partner as well, is very unlikely, as what attracts you to people is probably not the same thing your partner looks for. A lot of poly people struggle with placing this limitation and expectation on future potential partners.

The other thing is that relationships are organic, not manufactured. While arranged marriages actually have a high success rate, in my experience, arranged relationships do not. You fell in love with both of your partners by getting to know them and exploring what kind of relationship the two of you are suited to have together. You have to let them experience this same process, too. If you'd like to maybe someday have a triad or just a once a year threesome you have to be willing to accept the possibility that they will just be friends. Encourage their friendship and let them see what comes out of it. You must do this genuinely and without expectation or they will feel your attachment to the sex.

Also, there's no shame in wanting to have sex with two people you love, or just in wanting to have a threesome. It's completely ok to have selfish wants as long as you proceed with integrity and respect and an understanding that while your partners love you, they may not want to love each other.. in that way. The fact that they're friendly and kind towards each other is a great starting point!

Couldn't say anything any better than this! Well written with much wisdom.