Ravenscroft
Banned
I've been a public proponent of nonmonogamy since the early '80s. A few times, I've been angily denounced because I "hate marriage!!"
Actually, I don't. Closed "permanent" monogamy seems to work reasonably well for a LOT of people. A decade later, I was all set to return to university specifically to become a couples therapist, believing my "outsider" status could help people find happiness in their path. (Life had other plans.
)
I'm not against monogamy. However, I am a critic of what I call Monogamism, the almost cult-like belief that monogamy is THE way things MUST be. One hallmark is the (IMO) dishonest use of trumped-up Romanticist myths, holding up ideals (often imaginary) as though these tales are not just attainable but necessary, & that those who fall short are deeply flawed beings.
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I have been a voracious reader, & devoured a couple hundred books about relationships & interpersonal dynamics. There are some I strongly recommend for people who want to be happily nonmonogamous, more specifically in polyamory. Many of these are readily available used on Amazon for cheap.
First would have to be Lenore Weitzman, The Marriage Contract: Spouses, Lovers and the Law (1983). When people get married, they sign a license, which in many cases is not even so big as a sheet of typing paper. Very few ever understand that this is just a sort of "short form" for a whole bunch of legally enforceable obligations.
I found the book an easy read, but it's a HUGE (536 pages) paperback, which it must be as there's a LOT of insanity to be covered. For instance, I hadn't known that -- well into the '70s -- some jurisdictions required that women obtain written permission from their husbands in order to hold a job... & that any income received was by law community property, meaning HIS. A man could legally prevent his wife from operating her own business &, if he did allow this, claim any assets at whim.
Though "no-fault" divorce & similar reforms did much to undercut this sort of privilege, many of the pieces are still technically in effect.
________________
Recently, I happened to find a post by one Harry Wexler, who writes (wrote?) a blog called "Getting Laid Over 60" for Psychology Today. This one is "The Romantic Hoax":
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-laid-over-60/200908/the-romantic-hoax
Though there's no mention of nonmonogamy (it's very brief), Wexler says stuff that sounds very similar to posts this site regularly sees.
This reminded me of two books. You're Not What I Expected (1993) by psychotherapist Polly Young-Eisendrath looks into the underlying factors of that disappointment, reaching much the same conclusion as Wexler. She mentions what I've called "The Isinglass Analogy."
As a kid, I collected rocks. One of my prize pieces was a triangular chunk of mica, about four inches across & 3/8" thick. Mica is a silicate that forms as a stack of thin sheets, each transparent & somewhat silvery. Piled up a few layers deep, it's more silvery than transparent.
The stuff was commonly used as the peephole in boilers & furnaces because (being a rock & all) it didn't burn up or break readily, & it's still in use today as an insulator for hot electrical components like transistors & capacitors.
It occurred to Young-Eisendrath that when a person is initially attracted to someone, what he sees is largely an imperfect reflection of himself, which he finds not only assuring but
As limerance fades with time & experience, it's as though the mica "mirror" is slowly peeled away one infinitesimal layer at a time. Ever so subtly, the comforting illusion is replaced by the reality on the other side. He ignores away the change, believing (hoping) it is nothing major, merely temporary, or caused by any number of factors.
And one day those defenses aren't enough, & he wonders who the hell this stranger is.
A writer from China (the name escapes me) once said that a large difference between his culture & the West is a matter of arranged marriage versus Romance: "our marriage starts cold & grows warm; your marriage starts hot & can only cool."
(I was fortunate in my upbringing, in that I really like getting to know people. Though NRE can be amusing, I liken it to drinking two pots of my favorite Kenya AA coffee: enjoyable every sip of the way, but as a result I'm a jittery mess & can't get anything useful done. I am always impatient for the NRE "jitters" to fade so that I can get on with meeting the person who'd been so obscured by my reflection.)
(Young-Eisendrath has written other books, though I've read none. I'm particularly interested in Women and Desire: Beyond Wanting to Be Wanted.)
The second book brought to mind is The Hoax of Romance (1980) by Jo Loudin. The rather post hoc Amazon blurb sums it up nicely:
________________
If anyone here has read ANY of these books, I'd be excited to compare impressions.
Actually, I don't. Closed "permanent" monogamy seems to work reasonably well for a LOT of people. A decade later, I was all set to return to university specifically to become a couples therapist, believing my "outsider" status could help people find happiness in their path. (Life had other plans.
)I'm not against monogamy. However, I am a critic of what I call Monogamism, the almost cult-like belief that monogamy is THE way things MUST be. One hallmark is the (IMO) dishonest use of trumped-up Romanticist myths, holding up ideals (often imaginary) as though these tales are not just attainable but necessary, & that those who fall short are deeply flawed beings.
________________
I have been a voracious reader, & devoured a couple hundred books about relationships & interpersonal dynamics. There are some I strongly recommend for people who want to be happily nonmonogamous, more specifically in polyamory. Many of these are readily available used on Amazon for cheap.
First would have to be Lenore Weitzman, The Marriage Contract: Spouses, Lovers and the Law (1983). When people get married, they sign a license, which in many cases is not even so big as a sheet of typing paper. Very few ever understand that this is just a sort of "short form" for a whole bunch of legally enforceable obligations.
I found the book an easy read, but it's a HUGE (536 pages) paperback, which it must be as there's a LOT of insanity to be covered. For instance, I hadn't known that -- well into the '70s -- some jurisdictions required that women obtain written permission from their husbands in order to hold a job... & that any income received was by law community property, meaning HIS. A man could legally prevent his wife from operating her own business &, if he did allow this, claim any assets at whim.
Though "no-fault" divorce & similar reforms did much to undercut this sort of privilege, many of the pieces are still technically in effect.
________________
Recently, I happened to find a post by one Harry Wexler, who writes (wrote?) a blog called "Getting Laid Over 60"
for Psychology Today. This one is "The Romantic Hoax":https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-laid-over-60/200908/the-romantic-hoax
Though there's no mention of nonmonogamy (it's very brief), Wexler says stuff that sounds very similar to posts this site regularly sees.
This reminded me of two books. You're Not What I Expected (1993) by psychotherapist Polly Young-Eisendrath looks into the underlying factors of that disappointment, reaching much the same conclusion as Wexler. She mentions what I've called "The Isinglass Analogy."
As a kid, I collected rocks. One of my prize pieces was a triangular chunk of mica, about four inches across & 3/8" thick. Mica is a silicate that forms as a stack of thin sheets, each transparent & somewhat silvery. Piled up a few layers deep, it's more silvery than transparent.
The stuff was commonly used as the peephole in boilers & furnaces because (being a rock & all) it didn't burn up or break readily, & it's still in use today as an insulator for hot electrical components like transistors & capacitors.
It occurred to Young-Eisendrath that when a person is initially attracted to someone, what he sees is largely an imperfect reflection of himself, which he finds not only assuring but
As limerance fades with time & experience, it's as though the mica "mirror" is slowly peeled away one infinitesimal layer at a time. Ever so subtly, the comforting illusion is replaced by the reality on the other side. He ignores away the change, believing (hoping) it is nothing major, merely temporary, or caused by any number of factors.
And one day those defenses aren't enough, & he wonders who the hell this stranger is.
A writer from China (the name escapes me) once said that a large difference between his culture & the West is a matter of arranged marriage versus Romance: "our marriage starts cold & grows warm; your marriage starts hot & can only cool."
(I was fortunate in my upbringing, in that I really like getting to know people. Though NRE can be amusing, I liken it to drinking two pots of my favorite Kenya AA coffee: enjoyable every sip of the way, but as a result I'm a jittery mess & can't get anything useful done.
I am always impatient for the NRE "jitters" to fade so that I can get on with meeting the person who'd been so obscured by my reflection.)(Young-Eisendrath has written other books, though I've read none. I'm particularly interested in Women and Desire: Beyond Wanting to Be Wanted.)
The second book brought to mind is The Hoax of Romance (1980) by Jo Loudin. The rather post hoc Amazon blurb sums it up nicely:
The book lays out a history of the development of the notion of chivalry, shows why Romantic love was created, & argues against giving it so much control over our culture & our lives.
________________
If anyone here has read ANY of these books, I'd be excited to compare impressions.