about fairness
- Thread starter esarati300
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Indigomontoya
New member
This thread is veering into a cyclical discussion and well off the original poster's concerns.
Indigomontoya
New member
You're right, Penny. Sorry. I should have elaborated on my post. I simply meant discussing the tone of the previous posts.
I fully agree, and you know I love ya, Penny. I faced that scenario and it can definitely breed resentment and bitterness. It still does from time to time. The truth is that the previous posts over-simplified the poly dynamic. It is true men have a harder time finding poly partners, but that's not to say it's as easy as previously implied by earlier posts for women to find poly partners.
I think that the rejection rate is higher for men. I am drawing on my own experience, which informed by where I live and the community I live in. My wife has been rejected because of her polyamorous outlook at least twice, and I told her the same thing she has been telling me.
Ultimately, it's not the man the women are rejecting; they're rejecting his wife. haha. But actually, they are rejecting polyamory. Chances are good that if something drew them to you initially, they wouldn't have any issue dating you if you were single.
I fully agree, and you know I love ya, Penny. I faced that scenario and it can definitely breed resentment and bitterness. It still does from time to time. The truth is that the previous posts over-simplified the poly dynamic. It is true men have a harder time finding poly partners, but that's not to say it's as easy as previously implied by earlier posts for women to find poly partners.
I think that the rejection rate is higher for men. I am drawing on my own experience, which informed by where I live and the community I live in. My wife has been rejected because of her polyamorous outlook at least twice, and I told her the same thing she has been telling me.
Ultimately, it's not the man the women are rejecting; they're rejecting his wife. haha. But actually, they are rejecting polyamory. Chances are good that if something drew them to you initially, they wouldn't have any issue dating you if you were single.
IndieSolo
Active member
I agree that a woman can very easily find SEX. It is very true that all she has to do is say she wants it and there will be someone somewhere who will oblige her. Except in the case of rape, women are in control of whether sex happens, basically. I don't think TL is being bitter when he says that. Maybe his delivery wasn't the most polished, 
but...
Being "disfigured or obese" (OY!) isn't always even a factor. When a guy wants sex and a woman says she does, too, he's like white on rice. I don't mean this in a bad way, but it's like Pavlov's dogs, in a way. Years ago, when I tended bar, I remember a male customer of mine telling me, "I don't care if your ass looks like cottage cheese-- if you say 'Let's go,' I'm there." LOL
I am a plus-sized woman, and lots of the guys I am attracted to on OKC don't respond to me Some have responded saying they were not interested, and told me (when I asked) that they're just not into curvy women. However, I still get quite a few men contacting me every week. My lovers don't mind my belly, as long as they have access to everything else. LOL!
However, finding a guy who is a good candidate for a relationship, and not just sex, is a whole 'nother ball o' wax. It is indeed just as hard or harder, I think, for a woman. And that's where selectivity comes into play. We have to weed out the creeps, or the guys that leave after they get the sex they want. We often have to deal with men who still harbor a madonna/whore attitude toward women.
If we say we want multiple relationships, a guy's ego or competitiveness often comes up. Many guys on the dating scene tend to want to run from commitment, and those that do want commitment to something substantial and long-term have a laundry list of requirements to see if the woman fits into a certain role he approves of. "It's been fun, but I can't get serious with you" kinda thing.
That is my take. On a woman's part, there can also be self-consciousness about not being the mainstream ideal of beauty and youth, and the attitude that "all the good ones are taken" (or worse ideas) which come into play.
So, I think the difference is, men might have a harder time initially finding a woman, and women have a harder time keeping a man around.
As for being more visual, that's an individual thing, I think, but I've taken courses in NLP, so I know there is a variety of ways people take in information. I am very visual. I think both sexes will want someone they consider attractive, so of course they're both looking at pics first -- but each person's idea of what's attractive will differ. I, myself, tend to like the unconventional-looking guy.
Now, how to get back on topic? I would say that the unfairness the OP feels could perhaps be due to some insecurities and feelings of ownership toward his "wife." I put that in quotes because I mean it as a role or persona, which is what my ex-husband used to do. He had very specific ideas of what kind of "wife" I should be, and I couldn't meet those requirements, ultimately.
When something like polyamory changes a relationship, there needs to be an acknowledgment that everything we thought about how our relationships should be has now changed. Maybe Esarati needs to grieve a little before realizing it's not only a death, but a rebirth of the marriage, and something with wonderful possibilities for deepening the love and connection between the two of you.
Fenix, I would make sure you're not pushing Esarati beyond his capacity too much right now, and keep talking. When he says it's unfair, ask for specifics about what's unfair and drill down to the heart of the matter-- the insecurity or fears underneath it all.
but... Being "disfigured or obese" (OY!
) isn't always even a factor. When a guy wants sex and a woman says she does, too, he's like white on rice. I don't mean this in a bad way, but it's like Pavlov's dogs, in a way. Years ago, when I tended bar, I remember a male customer of mine telling me, "I don't care if your ass looks like cottage cheese-- if you say 'Let's go,' I'm there." LOLI am a plus-sized woman, and lots of the guys I am attracted to on OKC don't respond to me Some have responded saying they were not interested, and told me (when I asked) that they're just not into curvy women. However, I still get quite a few men contacting me every week. My lovers don't mind my belly, as long as they have access to everything else. LOL!
However, finding a guy who is a good candidate for a relationship, and not just sex, is a whole 'nother ball o' wax. It is indeed just as hard or harder, I think, for a woman. And that's where selectivity comes into play. We have to weed out the creeps, or the guys that leave after they get the sex they want. We often have to deal with men who still harbor a madonna/whore attitude toward women.
If we say we want multiple relationships, a guy's ego or competitiveness often comes up. Many guys on the dating scene tend to want to run from commitment, and those that do want commitment to something substantial and long-term have a laundry list of requirements to see if the woman fits into a certain role he approves of. "It's been fun, but I can't get serious with you" kinda thing.
That is my take. On a woman's part, there can also be self-consciousness about not being the mainstream ideal of beauty and youth, and the attitude that "all the good ones are taken" (or worse ideas) which come into play.
So, I think the difference is, men might have a harder time initially finding a woman, and women have a harder time keeping a man around.
As for being more visual, that's an individual thing, I think, but I've taken courses in NLP, so I know there is a variety of ways people take in information. I am very visual. I think both sexes will want someone they consider attractive, so of course they're both looking at pics first -- but each person's idea of what's attractive will differ. I, myself, tend to like the unconventional-looking guy.
Now, how to get back on topic? I would say that the unfairness the OP feels could perhaps be due to some insecurities and feelings of ownership toward his "wife." I put that in quotes because I mean it as a role or persona, which is what my ex-husband used to do. He had very specific ideas of what kind of "wife" I should be, and I couldn't meet those requirements, ultimately.
When something like polyamory changes a relationship, there needs to be an acknowledgment that everything we thought about how our relationships should be has now changed. Maybe Esarati needs to grieve a little before realizing it's not only a death, but a rebirth of the marriage, and something with wonderful possibilities for deepening the love and connection between the two of you.
Fenix, I would make sure you're not pushing Esarati beyond his capacity too much right now, and keep talking. When he says it's unfair, ask for specifics about what's unfair and drill down to the heart of the matter-- the insecurity or fears underneath it all.
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