I'm wondering how long it takes to adjust enough that it stops being a life-interfering event needing intense internal processing when a partner goes out on a date. I know this is a ymmv question, but what is a good ballpark range if it's going to happen? Answers welcomed either in time, or number of dates, or what happened with you. Assume on boardness with poly, good relationships, good self-awareness and a willingness to work, but newness with it and initial struggling.
Adjustment period
- Thread starter Asparagus
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LovingRadiance
Active member
For me it wasn't a timeframe it was directly related to two things:
A) whether my partner going on dates altered their devotion to maintaining our bond &
B) how the person they were dating treated me
When my partner maintained our bond (by not cancelling our plans, staying in touch on a daily basis, continuing to have sex regularly etc) and the other person was kind and considerate and friendly; I started actually feeling excited by their opportunity to hook up within a matter of a few weeks and under 5 dates.
However; when having a new interest resulted in me being left with the kids and not getting a break, broken plans with the family and me, lack of contact and no sex-I never did get over it.
Likewise; when having a new interest was combined with that new interest being anti-me; I never got over that either.
So it wasn't a timeframe, but a set of circumstances.
Assuming both A and B went well; it took a couple of weeks to process the "new" way the schedule was working. Such as figuring out that between 8-9 they were on the phone in the evenings for their daily goodnights (which was ok, just different and awkward at first because I wasn't sure what to do with myself while I waited for their call to finish since we share a bed).
Sort of like when you move to a new place and have to get used to the dishes being in a different cabinet. At first you repeatedly open the wrong cabinet when you look for a plate, but it decreases exponentially over time. You still may find yourself a year later suddenly opening the wrong cabinet at some random time, but by that time it's funny. You know?
A) whether my partner going on dates altered their devotion to maintaining our bond &
B) how the person they were dating treated me
When my partner maintained our bond (by not cancelling our plans, staying in touch on a daily basis, continuing to have sex regularly etc) and the other person was kind and considerate and friendly; I started actually feeling excited by their opportunity to hook up within a matter of a few weeks and under 5 dates.
However; when having a new interest resulted in me being left with the kids and not getting a break, broken plans with the family and me, lack of contact and no sex-I never did get over it.
Likewise; when having a new interest was combined with that new interest being anti-me; I never got over that either.
So it wasn't a timeframe, but a set of circumstances.
Assuming both A and B went well; it took a couple of weeks to process the "new" way the schedule was working. Such as figuring out that between 8-9 they were on the phone in the evenings for their daily goodnights (which was ok, just different and awkward at first because I wasn't sure what to do with myself while I waited for their call to finish since we share a bed).
Sort of like when you move to a new place and have to get used to the dishes being in a different cabinet. At first you repeatedly open the wrong cabinet when you look for a plate, but it decreases exponentially over time. You still may find yourself a year later suddenly opening the wrong cabinet at some random time, but by that time it's funny. You know?
PolyinPractice
New member
My partner only goes on dates alone when I'm not around. Still, I mean, you and he go do stuff on your own, right? What's the difference if he's going on a date, or a night with the guys?
LovingRadiance
Active member
PiP-was your question to the OP or to me?
IndieSolo
Active member
You are correct in acknowledging that it's a YMMV kind of thing, as there are plenty of polyfolk who never go through the kind of angst you've described. Are you married or solo? Does this happen with one or more partners of yours? I am very curious why your partner going out on a date is something you would call a "life-interfering event needing intense internal processing." What happens when he or she dates? What is it, exactly, that you go through when your partner goes out? Are you and your partner going too fast, perhaps, before you are really ready for polyamory? What issues come up for you in all this intense internal processing?
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It's not the dates themselves, it's processing before and after. Because we're newly dating, and there are established outside but less frequent partners that they began dating slightly before me, we're simultaneously getting to know each other, and springing me into both polyamory and non- fidelity. Honestly, it is way too fast for me. But there are pre-established relationships and a preestablisjed pattern of openness.
On writing this out, I realized that the intense processing has nothing to do with the dates themselves, or not enough to be life-disturbing, but trying to deal with either miscommunications (I don 't live with them so they tend to communicate to each other and forget to include me, thorough they are working on this), or me figuring out when something felt bad, what, and why, and how to ask for something more communicated if I need it.
When my communication needs aren't met, which seems every outside date right now, or if not on the date, in a metamour/dating event close to it, I tend to feel I cannot do this. I feel I'm not poly enough to be able to handle the openness.
Lovely's comment made me wonder if it would be easier if I knew my metamours. One is long-distance, and one I met briefly in passing, but did not get a chance to properly talk to or know yet. The other two have hung out or skyped, and I think between the miscommunications and not being introduced to partners, which is mainly logistics, and dealing with being hidden relationally with their families and friends (again, logistics) I tend to feel not important, especially if many of these things happen in close succession. But also recognize the fallacy of this. And I know in my heart when these issues aren't going on, or even when they are, how important I am.
I think all that will change in time. So maybe I need to wait for- and encourage - change, before expecting comfort of myself.
To clarify, too, I have no problems with my partners dating within the triad, but that might go without saying. And I feel that my needs are being met, minus communication. It's just the communication needs and errors are centering around dating right now. Or, at least, that's where errors are most frequent and most magnified, because of my sensitivity around it. And that sensitivity, I think, is newness. I have a lot of experiencing and reframing to do.
On writing this out, I realized that the intense processing has nothing to do with the dates themselves, or not enough to be life-disturbing, but trying to deal with either miscommunications (I don 't live with them so they tend to communicate to each other and forget to include me, thorough they are working on this), or me figuring out when something felt bad, what, and why, and how to ask for something more communicated if I need it.
When my communication needs aren't met, which seems every outside date right now, or if not on the date, in a metamour/dating event close to it, I tend to feel I cannot do this. I feel I'm not poly enough to be able to handle the openness.
Lovely's comment made me wonder if it would be easier if I knew my metamours. One is long-distance, and one I met briefly in passing, but did not get a chance to properly talk to or know yet. The other two have hung out or skyped, and I think between the miscommunications and not being introduced to partners, which is mainly logistics, and dealing with being hidden relationally with their families and friends (again, logistics) I tend to feel not important, especially if many of these things happen in close succession. But also recognize the fallacy of this. And I know in my heart when these issues aren't going on, or even when they are, how important I am.
I think all that will change in time. So maybe I need to wait for- and encourage - change, before expecting comfort of myself.
To clarify, too, I have no problems with my partners dating within the triad, but that might go without saying. And I feel that my needs are being met, minus communication. It's just the communication needs and errors are centering around dating right now. Or, at least, that's where errors are most frequent and most magnified, because of my sensitivity around it. And that sensitivity, I think, is newness. I have a lot of experiencing and reframing to do.
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LovingRadiance
Active member
Keep looking inward-it sounds like you actually have a good handle on what is going on in you, but sometimes we forget to look past the immediate.
I have anxiety & depression issues. I have at times thought I was jealous or upset about something in poly when in fact what was wrong is that my medications weren't working and needed to be handled. When those were handled-the rest was fine.
It's not unusual at all to put the onus on the "new thing" when we are feeling rough. In fact, I think that is pretty common.
Just remind yourself that communication does matter for you and it is a learning process for all of you to communicate in ways that meet your needs and theirs-that's ok.
As the poly person in our dynamic, the guys assumed I would be able to handle anything poly that came our way. But the truth is that new situations are new situations and we have to learn each individual and each dyad and the needs within it as they come. Being poly already doesn't mean that they already know how to do it WITH YOU. Each individual has their own needs and each dyad has its own needs and each triad and quad etc etc. They may know how to do their current relationships well, but now they have to learn to do the one with you well.
It's a learning curve for all of you.
I have anxiety & depression issues. I have at times thought I was jealous or upset about something in poly when in fact what was wrong is that my medications weren't working and needed to be handled. When those were handled-the rest was fine.
It's not unusual at all to put the onus on the "new thing" when we are feeling rough. In fact, I think that is pretty common.
Just remind yourself that communication does matter for you and it is a learning process for all of you to communicate in ways that meet your needs and theirs-that's ok.
As the poly person in our dynamic, the guys assumed I would be able to handle anything poly that came our way. But the truth is that new situations are new situations and we have to learn each individual and each dyad and the needs within it as they come. Being poly already doesn't mean that they already know how to do it WITH YOU. Each individual has their own needs and each dyad has its own needs and each triad and quad etc etc. They may know how to do their current relationships well, but now they have to learn to do the one with you well.
It's a learning curve for all of you.I don't know how applicable my experience is to you, but it was at least a dozen dates for my partner before I could relax and stop feeling hyper/ nervous/ and conflicted.
Just like getting used to many things, once it becomes normal and routine, it wasn't nearly as upsetting. I'd like to think I made some personal growth and emotional progress during that time as well, but its hard to say for sure.
Also, my comfort level during my partners' dates is largely defined by how connected and loved I feel by them beforehand.
I certainly hope it does get better for you.
Just like getting used to many things, once it becomes normal and routine, it wasn't nearly as upsetting. I'd like to think I made some personal growth and emotional progress during that time as well, but its hard to say for sure.
Also, my comfort level during my partners' dates is largely defined by how connected and loved I feel by them beforehand.
I certainly hope it does get better for you.