Advancing as poly.....need advice

Mahogany

Mahogany

New member
:eek: Hello,

My husband Bo and I have been poly for a couple of years now. He has been dating his ex-wife. They have actually been off and on since before Bo and I met. They decided to continue their off and on relationship even though I entered the picture.

The policy before has been "don't ask, don't tell," so I am sure they have spent time together. I just never knew when. I decided that I now want to know when things are happening, I don't like being in the dark. :(

I am fine with their relationship, as long as she respects me as his primary. Just last night she asked Bo to spend the day with her. Bo told her to ask me. His goal is to make sure she and I are building a line of communication. So she did. I somehow have a problem with them spending time together while I am alone (probably constantly thinking about what they are doing). I don't have the right to say no, but ONLY part of me is comfortable saying yes. What should I do?
 
Mahogany said:
I somehow have a problem with them spending time together while I am alone.
Click to expand...

Just asking so I am clear on your point: you're fine with them being together, just not together when you don't have something else to do? Because you'll spend that time thinking about what they are doing?
 
Yes, I feel that in order for me to grow into this situation where my husband is being emotionally/socially intimate with another woman and I am at peace with it...I need to stay busy. I need to find something fun, interesting, and wonderful to do in order to be at peace while they are out. Is that running from my emotions, though? I want to be ok with them being out regardless of what I have going on. Why is that so hard for me? Why do I feel so threatened? Why do I feel so negative in practice? In theory I am excited and happy to be poly.

When Bo and I talk about poly, I am excited and joyful about it....I can talk about doing it all day and not have any problem. Bo and Cass can be intimate and loving when I am present, and I have NO problems with it. Cass has even had sex with Bo with me around, and that didn't bother me. The moment there are actions that do not include me, part of me feels so threatened and negative. Like "He is MINE, not hers." :mad:
 
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Hi Mahogany,

It is not unusual to have the kinds of feelings you are experiencing, everyone has to deal with them from time to time. Finding something fun, interesting, and wonderful to do while they are out is actually not such a bad idea. I don't think you'd be running from your emotions, you'd just be taking them down a notch so you can get used to coping. Maybe later on you'll be able to be okay with them being out regardless of what you have going on. These things take time.

As far as the "he is *mine* not hers" feelings, there are a few threads and pages you can acqaint yourself with to help you sort those feelings out. They are:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Those things will probably help but like I said, you have to be patient with yourself while you get used to this poly thing one step at a time. Don't try to force yourself to chug it down on the rocks, mix that drink with some fun stuff you can do to help you ease into it.

Let me know how else we can help, and keep us posted okay?
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you, Kevin. That makes sense. I also feel better about it now that some time has passed. Cass sent me a message today saying she had a dream about me and her stroking each other's hair. Hair handling in our culture is a very loving and intimate thing between women, a sisterly act. Cass telling me that made me feel much better about them spending time without me. :eek:

I think things are going to be okay.
 
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Also, I will definitely keep you posted. It is awesome that you guys are so supportive here.

I know I am poly, I just never knew what is was called, and that there was a community of people like me. I am happy I found this forum.
 
Sounds good Mahogany. I hope you and her get opportunity to develop a closeness with each other; growing a relationship with your metamour can go a long way towards easing those icky feelings.

Wishing you much luck and love,
Kevin T.
 
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