Adventures of Amarna

So I've talked a bit more with both Mechanic and D and am feeling a bit better. I'm at least done with self-loathing.

In other news...told my mother about being polyamorous. I just didn't have the energy to lie and felt bad about lying by omission. She wasn't thrilled and said that morally she thinks it's wrong but isn't going to think poorly of me and as long as I'm happy and doing this for me she thinks she'll come to terms with it and understand more in time. It's honestly the best reaction I could have gotten from her. She thinks my dad will react much worse though so we agreed to keep it quiet from him for now.

Going to meet up with a friend early this evening to write a ritual together for the Autumn Equinox to do with the pagan group we're both in. I'm kind of looking forward to that, I've never written a group ritual before so hope we can come up with something good.
 
Lots has been going on and I'm way overdue for an update here.

Things with D are going super well. I'm happy with where things are with him.

Things have even improved with Mechanic a bunch and I'd say we're in a better place than we've been in years.

BUT things with Gamer have pretty much ended at this point I fear. :( He started to pull away a lot over the past month, communication was dropping off, less and less time together (when we only had once a week to begin with) and I just felt like he was somewhere else all the time. I decided to talk to him about it and he said that he thinks we went to fast with things physically, that he can only be friends for now, maybe with benefits (how does this even work if the concern is physical speed?) but that's it. I told him I wasn't cool with that and needed more of an explanation, and it comes out that he and his wife had an agreement to progress their separate relationships with other people at the same speed as each other, her relationship didn't involve sex, ours did and he felt bad/uncomfortable with that and wasn't really open to trying to work things out. I'm still not sure how I feel about this entirely. I guess if I have to pinpoint something it's that I feel strung along and wish I'd known about this before hand because honestly I would have chosen not to date him had I known about that arrangement as it just seems really precarious to me. *sigh*

This was two weeks ago. I've spoken to him a couple times since, I really was hoping we could continue to be friends, he said that that was what he wanted too but he's never been the one to reach out and it feels really one-sided.

I've had a ton of people start conversations with me on OKC but don't really want to date someone new just now, I feel so bummed about the way things went with Gamer and still miss him a lot.
 
Wow! It's literally been months. Time for an update I feel, and I just kinda need to process some things in a safe place.

I'll call D "Nerd"from now on, less confusing than letters I feel and it's an affectionate thing we call each other so it fits. :) Things are going well with him, no worries and really no complaints.

Looking back at my last post it was when things with Gamer tanked and were tough for a spot. We did get some space and in the intervening months hung out as friends regularly. About a month ago he asked to see me more than once every few weeks so we resumed weekly outings and last night we went out to dinner and talked about trying a dating relationship again. There are things that I need to think over and go through but I'm definitely wanting to try, there are some strong feelings there and I've really come to treasure his place in my life and vice versa. The one thing that gives me pause is that he has talked with his wife about things and while she's okay with him having partners and other relationships she does not want to meet his other partners at all. My concern is...I don't want to feel like a secret, he was very reassuring and definitely understood where I'm coming from and hopes that her position will change in time. I'm not looking to be best friends or even really force any kind of relationship with her though and want to respect the space that she needs. It's tough. So...that's a thing...

Mechanic is doing well with things in general though he's struggling with my relationship with Gamer in particular, he worries that he'll be replaced and doesn't like the up and down, dating to friends to dating situation we had/have going on. I understand a bit of where he's coming from but I'm hoping with time he'll come to see that my love is not a finite resource and that I really do want to be with him. There's a lot of self confidence issues there that I know are going to take him time to work through, I'm trying to be patient but it's hard and I've had to draw a line in the sand with what I am and am not willing to do for him. *sigh*

In other news Mechanic has met both Gamer and Nerd and both meetings seemed to go relatively well. I feel like he's much more comfortable with Nerd than Gamer, even just personality wise they seemed to get along better, I think that's largely because Nerd is somewhat used to being around people with Asperger's and knows how to deal with the communication issues there better than Gamer so things just weren't as awkward.

And this weekend I'll be meeting Mechanic's partner. I'm excited/nervous. I want her to like me and hope it's not too awkward so...finger's crossed.
 
I had a job interview today. A part time museum gig. I don't know...I don't feel like I did all that well. I have social anxiety and interviewing is one of those things that's really challenging for me. At my worst I've sometimes skipped out on interviews completely due to panic attack levels of anxiety. This time was pretty bad but I pulled myself together and went to it. Hopefully my nerves didn't get the best of me and I wasn't a total flop, but I'm not confident that was the case.

I've got to get cracking on doing the finishing touches for a belated Imbolc celebration/ritual I'm running tomorrow night, another thing I'm anxious about, running rituals is something I'm still very new at and I'm not always sure I've got it 100% in the bag. But...people keep coming back so I tell myself I must be doing something right. I was going to do that this afternoon some but I just can't get in the right head space so tomorrow will be the day I get that all figured out.

Tonight is date night with Nerd. He's ill though so it'll be an abbreviated visit, which honestly is probably a good thing right now. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the discussions I've had to have with Mechanic lately in regards to his insecurities and I'm feeling kind of worn out and like I need some serious introvert time which I won't really get until Friday night.
 
Ok...so...not too much going on but I think I want to make a regular effort to post on here again. It's cathartic to get my thoughts down, even if there's not too much that needs processing right at the moment, lol.

All this snow. It's driving me crazy. I'm so incredibly ready for spring. One day it's close to 50, sunny and everything is melting, literally the next day it's in the teens and we end up with 12 more inches. I CAN'T TAKE IT! Ugh, I love going outside for walks and enjoying sun time and it's just too cold to do that, it's really taking a toll on me I think.

That's it for now I guess, just complaining about the weather. I have sooo much housework I probably need to get caught up on but I just can't get motivated. I'm really looking forward to some alone time tonight too once the kids are in bed. The big plans? Playing Lara Croft while listening to conspiracy theory podcasts. Exciting!
 
The kids are off school today: Snow day. And....I can't find the shovel! I had stood it up right beside the front door but I'm thinking it either fell down or Mechanic moved it somewhere. So...digging through the snow I go to find the thing so I can actually shovel the front steps and driveway. Not. Looking. Forward. To. That.

On Saturday I spent the day at my friend's house and she introduced me to a new friend she had made. This person was actually a professor in the graduate school program I applied to! She remembered my personal essay even! That was wicked exciting. :) Hopefully it's a good sign that I was remembered, she invited me to attend a talk with her and her husband even next weekend that I would've loved to attend but I'm already planning on driving out of state to visit my family. I hope there'll be more opportunities to get to know her, whether it's a good networking opportunity or not (It really really is) she seems like a genuinely cool person and someone I'd like to know more.

Which brings me to next weekend, I'm planning on driving out to visit my parents, about a 4 hour drive, and see my grandmother. Grandma is in the hospital with congestive heart failure. :( She's also got advanced Alzheimer's. I haven't seen her in a long time, because I was a chicken frankly and didn't know how to deal with the emotions that her not remembering who I am brings up. But it's been too long and I don't want to have her pass and not have been to visit her, she's my Grandma after all, growing up she was my rock, I could always go to her for support. And now that she needs it I feel horrible for not being there. :(

Mechanic doesn't want to go with me though, he says that being around my happy, functional, supportive family just reminds him that he doesn't have that and it's uncomfortable. I think he's planning on spending time with his girlfriend that weekend too, he was upset that there wasn't a day this week that worked out during the week where they could see each other, so I'm not sure if that's motivating things as well. I understand, I guess, I'm a bit disappointed though, I did tell him that: That I understood where he was coming from, I don't want to put him in a situation where he's highly uncomfortable but that I was disappointed. I was hoping to have his support with the visit to my grandma, I know it'll be hard on me. But....I'll have my sister and parents there too so I won't be alone at least. As hard as I know it'll be it feels like an incredibly important thing I need to do and it's been a couple months since I was able to see my parents and sister so I am looking forward to the visit in general.
 
So...I didn't get into the grad school program I applied for. :( This put me in a pretty bad place. I found out yesterday. I just feel like a total loser right now and completely lost as to what I do next.

My sister was great in talking with me about it and was her usual, wonderful, helpful self, I don't know what I'd do without her.

Mechanic was trying his best to be supportive but kept getting upset at me when I didn't want/need the kind of help he was offering. When I'm upset/stressed I don't need a ton of physical reassurance. I usually need my space to process things and get through my own head space/overthinking. He doesn't understand that...hence the upset, which was really hard to deal with yesterday, I spent a good amount of energy reassuring him that he was okay and explaining where I was coming from and it kind of zapped me.

It was also date night with Nerd last night. He was great too, asked me what I needed, if I needed to talk or if I just needed to be distracted. I went with distracted and he ordered carb filled takeout while we watched crappy reality TV. It was nice and pretty much exactly what I needed. I stayed until it started snowing pretty heavily then had to head home before it got too bad. Nerd's been struggling with some depression stuff too lately and I think he needed space/decompression as well. He mentioned speaking with someone about it as it's a pretty regular thing, I'm glad he's open to getting help if it's needed.

Tonight is the pagan group meeting that had to be postponed due to weather last week. We're making Brigid's crosses and celebrating Imbolc. I kinda feel like I've cobbled together a poor excuse for a ritual here but Imbolc is really not something I generally have ever done much for and I haven't had a lot of help with things so it's been a particularly hard thing for me to put together, especially when I'm lacking motivation lately to do much of anything. I hope it goes well. Unfortunately I couldn't find any reeds/natural materials around here with all the snow we've had that would be suitable to make the crosses with so I've got a bunch of pipe cleaners that should do the trick, at least they'll be made of all kinds of colors and will be easy to bend into the right shape, I just hope that people don't see it as inappropriate to use synthetic materials for this...I've never done it before, it's kinda my first rodeo here. I found the idea online so I know that some people have used these as materials for the crosses before at least.
 
I'm sorry that you weren't accepted into the grad school you wanted :( It doesn't make you a failure....just means that maybe the timing or the school wasn't the right fit for you. ((Hugs))
 
PinkPig said:
I'm sorry that you weren't accepted into the grad school you wanted :( It doesn't make you a failure....just means that maybe the timing or the school wasn't the right fit for you. ((Hugs))
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Thank you PinkPig. <3 That's exactly what my sister said too. I know that's the truth but it's a hard pill to swallow just now. :)
 
Ok, so, still feeling pretty down about grad school but not getting in has made me, in many ways feel so grateful for the wonderful people I do have in my life.

Mechanic is trying his best to be supportive. He surprised me with lunch today on his break and that cheered me up some. I know he's struggling a lot with insecurities and depression stuff right now so the efforts he's making are really very meaningful to me. <3

My sister talked me down and refused to hear me talk bad about myself and my qualifications.

Nerd was great with the distracting and giving me a calm place to just exist for awhile.

My friend recognized at the ritual last night that I was pretty near overwhelmed and stepped in to comfort me some, was sympathetic and confidently proclaimed that I will get into a better grad school when I'm ready to try again and he made sure I could leave early with the kids instead of waiting to make sure everyone left so the building could be properly locked up.

And tonight I'm going out with Gamer who said we can spend as much time talking through things as I need or failing that he will distract me with history books and geek stuff.

I really do have a wonderful support system and this gushing, positive post gave me something *good* to focus on for a few minutes so...mission accomplished. :)
 
It's been a busy past couple days. I tried to drive to visit my parents and see my grandmother with the girls but an hour and half into our trip my car started smoking and overheating. :( I ended up on the side of the side of the road with two kids waiting for Mechanic to come tow us back, in the middle of nowhere. We have AAA but the only tow company in the area apparently didn't have room in the truck for the kids so I would've had to either get a long and expensive cab ride home or call around to everyone I know begging a ride. Stressful.

Gamer and my sister kept me company on messenger while I waited and tried not to freak out and the kids did the best they could with the situation. Needless to say we didn't get to visit my family and won't get to now until mid-March when I go down for my other sister's baby shower. At least I can take a long weekend then and have more time with them most likely.

Sunday we stayed home while Mechanic finished up the repairs on my car mostly but it's now up and running. Yesterday I spent the day at my friend's house and then running errands and today has largely been spent doing housework and catching up on all the domestic things I've been neglecting.
 
Ugh...was it a rough weekend.

I went out with Gamer on Friday, all as good, we had a great time but Mechanic was having a bunch of issues with it. It was a beautiful day (70 degrees in NY in February, I mean, OMG beautiful) and I wanted, for the first time in a long time, to wear a skirt and *gasp* lipstick. Mechanic did not like this, I was "dressing up for him" and "never wore similar things" for Mechanic, for which I call bullsh*t. I wear makeup nearly every day and yeah, don't wear skirts/dresses much in the winter because it's cold. But I shouldn't have to excuse myself for wearing what I want to wear, I ended up changing just to not have to deal with it right before I left, I wanted to be in a good place. Mechanic felt bad and has since apologized but...that behavior really bothered me...

Saturday I took my daughter to a friend's birthday party and when we got home Mechanic was upset again (he hadn't been able to go out with his partner at all last week and he was upset/bitter about that which played into things I think) and we ended talking through *again* how my relationship with Gamer makes him feel uneasy because he's worried that Gamer is a better match for me.

All this stress combined with the grad school decision, my grandmother entering hospice care, my mom's healthcare issues, parenting things, getting caught up on bills from Mechanic's unemployment still, etc and I ended up having a really bad anxiety attack later that night that lasted hours. The room felt like it was closing in around me, trouble breathing, tightness in my chest, headache and feeling simultaneously like I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry and just run away. It was so completely overwhelming and frightening. I took a shower, lit some incense/sage, Mechanic rubbed my back, tried to read a book to distract myself (didn't work) but eventually I calmed down and was able to get some sleep.

Sunday I woke up tired but mostly okay and decided to go to church but then I get there and all the people, just the entire social atmosphere...I don't know...triggered my anxiety again (largely socially based, I've always had social anxiety problems) and I started to have another attack. We ended up asking a friend who goes to our church to watch the kids for us while Mechanic took me to the walk-in because it just wasn't going away and I was so so so scared at that point that I could just barely function.

They gave me some medication at the doctor's to hold me over until Tuesday morning when I see my primary care to talk about treatment for anxiety and maybe depression. The pills help but make me super tired. I haven't had to take one yet today and hope I don't have to (though I will if I need to).
 
Went to my doctor today to talk about the anxiety stuff. After discussing my symptoms, frequency of things, triggers, etc. we decided to try a low dose of Zoloft and see how that works. I'm hoping it does the trick, I'm tired of being so keyed up ALL. THE. TIME.

I asked Mechanic if he would mind if I invited Gamer over on Friday to spend time with me while Mechanic is out on a date. Initially he was really upset about the proposition but after some processing is okay with it and seems to be genuine when he says that. Which makes me so happy, this is a big thing for him, I know and I know he's been doing a lot of self-work, it's showing.

That's about it for now....gotta go make dinner: Lo mein and general tso's tofu. I'm so hungry, lol, I've been looking forward to this meal all day.
 
Been a pretty laid back past couple of days, which honestly I needed. I've decided to take a couple weeks off of UU and pagan group organizing things (well, in person things, still coordinating what I can over email). Hopefully that will ratchet down the stress a bit, at least temporarily.

The weather fluctuations are driving me insane though, just two days ago it was near 70 and now it's a wicked cold 25 degrees, windy and lightly snowing. ARRRRRGH! I just want spring to stick around!

I am super excited for tonight though. Mechanic has a date night and Gamer is coming over to spend time with me. We'll probably just end up watching a movie or something but normally our date nights are spent doing active things and going out for dinner, a night in together is pretty rare, hence my excitement.

So I've got to clean the house a bit because I can all but hear my grandmother screaming at me from the grave to make sure that everything is spotless and that I have several courses worth of food items to offer because that's the proper way to entertain company.
 
Snow sucks. Over 30 inches has landed here in 48 hours. I can't take any more! It's supposed to be spring soon! They actually had called in the National Guard to help with clean up, etc. as I guess our county ended up being in the "epicenter" of the blizzard that hit the area.

So the kids have been off of school for two days, they went back today. My youngest was off on Monday too because of a fever, which I have now caught. Ugh.

Beginning to feel cabin fever though from being stuck inside. I do need to get out sometime soon and so some shopping for my sister's baby shower gift, I have to travel home this weekend to go to her shower, but I'm thinking I'll do that tomorrow while I'm out with Gamer, before we meet up. Just hoping the snow forecast for this weekend doesn't come as we've had more than enough and I really don't want to drive 4+ hours in crappy weather on my own with two kids in the back.
 
Things've been busy here. I've gotten back into my social life fully after the anxiety stuff I was struggling with lifted some. So back at running the pagan group, seeing Gamer and Nerd once a week each, hanging with friends, stuff with family, etc. etc.

So...what's been going on....the pagan group did it's Ostara ritual, that for once I didn't have to fully organize on my own. That as really nice, lol. We did a ritual that involved a labyrinth walk and meditation on things we wish to come to fruition as the year grows, ending with choosing a tarot card from a spread that was in the center of the labyrinth. It was a meaningful ritual to me as I've been feeling kind of lost lately in terms of my professional/career/what the f**k am I doing with my life situation.

I ran the idea of taking classes in IT/computer science things past Nerd since he's in the field himself and he gave me a resource website to look at and see if coding is something I might enjoy, Gamer was really supportive too and pointed me toward some more affordable courses that I can look at to take before pouring thousands of dollars into classes at a community college,to make sure it's something I really would be interested in doing. Mechanic is going to lend me his computer to try some things on, since my Chromebook isn't capable of running the programs I need.

I'm just glad to have something to explore again. I've also kind of gotten back into genealogy stuff a little at least, I have a contact who lives in Kansas City who has offered to go to the archives out there and pull alien case files for people, luckily it turns out the alien file for my great grandmother is housed there, so I'm anxiously waiting to get that. Exciting stuff!

Otherwise....I went to a birthday party for a friend of mine on Saturday....spontaneous lunch with my other friend yesterday where he filled me in on all the interesting things he learned at a pagan conference he went to over the weekend....and tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment to talk about how the meds I've been trying for my anxiety are doing, I feel like they've been a major help so I'm not worried about how that will go thankfully.

The kids are doing okay, my older daughter was really anxious this morning though as this week is state ELA testing and since she was always homeschooled before this year she's never had to do tests like this. The school makes these tests such a big deal, it seems so stressful for the kids, I feel bad, I know I can opt her out of taking them and next year might just do that if she's still as nervous and worked up as she was today going into them, but maybe she just needs to get used to them too. I don't know....confusing parent stuff, lol.
 
I'm glad things are going better for you.

What I have always told my kids is that the tests are really testing the schools. That they should not worry too much, the people at school are nervous and make a big deal out of it because it is a test of how well they have done their jobs.

Leetah
 
Leetah said:
I'm glad things are going better for you.

What I have always told my kids is that the tests are really testing the schools. That they should not worry too much, the people at school are nervous and make a big deal out of it because it is a test of how well they have done their jobs.

Leetah
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Thank you Leetah!

When she got home from school this afternoon she said that she was feeling much better about the tests and that they weren't as bad as she was expecting. So my stressing and worrying was all for naught thankfully. :)
 
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It was a hectic weekend. First we went to the local town Maple festival, it's basically the only thing that ever happens in town, lol, so it's a must to attend. That was fun, I got some yummy maple cream and maple candy which shall be devoured and we watched Mechanic's new partner's kid along with ours while she did a charity walk associated with the fest. It was a fun time, overall I like his partner, she seems nice, though her kid was really hyper and a bit overwhelming for me. I always joke that I really don't like kids unless they're my own, and there is truth to that. It's still a slightly awkward situation sometimes with his partner as she is also the ex of Nerd and it's just weird for me, but I try not to let that get in the way of things and think it'll get easier over time.

After that we went to a gem and mineral show and looked at all kinds of pretty rocks. Then did the church thing on Sunday, the pagan group was responsible for coffee hour, it went well and I had a good time doing it, we've got a good group of people and it's always fun to be around them. The group is planning some outings for the summer and a retreat in September that I'm super excited about.

After services we went to see Power Rangers. I loved it! It was just perfect, don't think I could've asked for more from the film, the perfect amount of references and throw backs to the original series I loved as a kid. Think I embarrassed Mechanic a bit with how excited I got, haha, but I wasn't the only one in the theater to show unbridled enthusiasm so I'm not fussed about it really.

Things are going good right now in general, my oldest daughter has strep throat so is home from school today. Ick.

Let's see....what else....relationship stuff is going well. Mechanic seems to be in a good place though admits he still has some reservations about Gamer, it seems as time goes on though that gets easier for him. Speaking of, Gamer actually called me yesterday on his lunch! That was a first and may not seem like a big deal but definitely is since he generally hates being on the phone and until now had never called me. At all. For anything. We aren't able to get together this week because of schedule stuff and him being a bit overwhelmed and he didn't want me to think it was because of anything to do with me so he made the effort to call, which was really nice. It's probably a good thing I have less date nights this week too, I've had so much to do lately that I'm starting to get kind of overwhelmed myself so an extra night with nothing to do might do me good.

Last thing for today: I've started reading up on Atheopaganism after an article showed up on my FB feed. It's interesting as it's basically how I already approach Paganism wherein I don't worship gods, don't see them as flesh and blood beings and generally have a very skeptical and yes, atheistic approach to things. Clicking through a website and FB group associated with the belief system was one of those moments where I find a label and it feels like it just fits. I'll probably be spending most of my day reading up on this, haha.
 
Well....today's been a real mixed bag.

I met up with Mechanic for our Friday lunch date as we've been trying to do and had a rough conversation. He gets upset when I schedule things with or make plans with friends, largely because he doesn't have many of his own that he can do the same with, I try to make sure he knows that he's always invited to do these things to and my friends are more than fine with including him and consider him a friend too but he still ends up feeling like a third wheel, which I understand I guess. So I've been trying not to do quite so much and/or do things while he's at work and he still gets upset. I think he's lonely a lot of the time, he doesn't seem to have any really close friends, doesn't talk much with his family and outside of myself and his partner doesn't have many people he can really talk to.

I've suggested he find a group to join or a hobby to take up but that's not something he's really taken fondly to doing. There's not much I can do for him unfortunately, but sometimes it gets hard to bring things up to him when I want to make plans to do something or go visit a friend because I know he gets upset.

And then I get home and a friend messages me, super upset, because he just broke up with his long distance girlfriend. I'm trying to be supportive of him, but I don't always know what to say. He's really hurting right now. :( I feel so bad but he lives kind of far and works odd hours so I can't visit with a gigantic tub of ice cream and bad movies as would be normal go to. So all I can do, it seems, is make sure I'm there for him, that he knows he can reach out if he needs to talk and reassure him. Still sucks though.

I suggested that Mechanic and I take the kids out tonight for dinner, haven't had a family night out in awhile. And while we do that we're going to hit up the toy store and let my youngest pick out a new bike with a gift card she got for Christmas, she's grown out of her old one so it's time. I'm looking forward to that, though haven't decided where I want to go to eat yet.

Annndd....I should get up and mop the floors at least before the kids get home, I've been majorly slacking on housework lately. But I REALLY DON'T WANT TO!
 
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