Advice for once a week partner

[bofish]

I wanted to ask for some advice on forming poly "families" or in this case non-families, feeling lonely, and dating.

Backstory: I've married 15 years. We became poly 3 years ago. My husband has a girlfriend of 2 years. We have two kids. I currently have no boyfriend. My husband and I do not have sex.

Recently my husband, his girlfriend and I sat down to discuss our future. Husband wants his gf to become part of our family and spend more time with us as a group. I was also open to this. She said she did not want this. She wanted to remain casual friends with me, and continue to see him alone one day/night a week.

I am having many resentment issues, but first the good stuff. I like the girlfriend. She is very kind. She takes a lot of pressure off my relationship with my husband and they are good together. She is a good match for him. I also feel safe that she respects our boundaries and does not push him to move in with her or leave me.

But I do have some resentments. I resent that I care for our children every week when he is gone. I resent that this person only gets the "good side" of my husband and doesn't have to deal with any household stuff. I also resent that we are struggling with money. The girlfriend makes a lot of money, nearly three times our salaries, with only herself as a dependent, and yet she complains about money and her work situation every time I see her.

The evening they spend together triggers me. Rationally, I feel happy for them, but emotionally, I feel abandoned and lonely. I feel like I want to work harder accepting what I have: I love my husband deeply as a friend and partner, but not romantically.

When I date, it's very easy to get men interested, but that second date! Wow! that's hard to get. I also have a lot of married cheating men come on to me.

Has anyone else had some of these experience--
Big money differences within the group?
Husband's girlfriend only wanting to be with your husband, not you?
Do poly women always have a lot of married men approach them?

 

[Emm]

If you already dislike the one night per week they spend together, why are you pushing for more than that?

I'm a little confused by this:

Husband's girlfriend only wanting to be with your husband

I didn't see anything in your post that implied she was anything but your husbands' girlfriend. Was she previously yours, as well?

 

[bofish]

Thanks

Emm,

Thank you so much for moving my post. I didn't realize I put it in the wrong place.

I had mixed feelings on her "becoming part of the family." But ultimately it's what my husband wanted. I figured that if she, say, spent time with our kids, or came over for dinner, it might make it easier for all of us, instead of segregating his time.

I know every poly family is different, but isn't that more common? What is your experience with having a partner totally separate?

Also, have you ever felt envy because of a difference in financial situations?

 

[bookbug]

A bit of a tangent, but something we can learn from the Europeans: often they marry one person in order to raise a family, and have someone else on the side for romance. It sounds like you and your husband make a good couple for raising children. Excellent!

My suggestion to you is to not give up on finding that romantic partner. Women have both the best and the worst of it: plenty of guys wanting to date, but very little quality. Yes, it is common for women to be approached by all kinds of guys. It is easy to think they are all substandard. Really, that isn't true. You just need to keep looking for that gem.

As for your metamour, it sounds like you have a good one.

 

[Natja]

I know every poly family is different, but isn't that more common?

No, just the opposite, really.

 

[PolyinPractice]

First off, yes, usually the girlfriend, being a human being, prefers to be with one or the other. The rare exceptions are so-called "unicorns." Be happy to offer advice with that, but that's a whole post of itself

Secondly, all women have married men approach them.

Other than that, it does appear that your husband is dating a woman who likes to have an escape, but does not want obligations. You cannot force her to change what she wants, although you could (and have every right) to 1) make your husband pay for a sitter on those nights, so you get to enjoy yourself, or 2) give you the option of going out on date nights (you don't have to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you can just go out and spoil yourself, pedicure, whatever, time with the girls). Fair's fair. You cannot, however, force him to stay in just because you are.

Also, do you really want a triad? While it sounds nice to have extra help around the house, extra emotional support, those are very difficult for most people to handle. Truly sharing your husband equally with another woman? Not a small thing. But if you want that other woman to help out on all fronts, with the children, the hard times, the "bad" parts, you're gonna have to offer a lot to make it worth her while. Speaking for myself, I'd be very willing to take on all of what I mentioned above. But I also expect to be an equal partner in that case, with all the rights with the husband that you have. Not necessarily equal time, but whatever time I need. And my needs, her needs, and his needs, would all be considered on the same priority.

Umm... I'm totally not offering or trying to make a move here, just speaking hypothetically.

 

[bofish]

Great advice

Thank you! All very helpful sound advice.

In this case, then am I "off the hook," as far as worrying about her needs?

What is my responsibility or place when he complains to me that she is not getting her needs met? What is my responsibility when she complains that she wants her own partner? Would it be best to just focus on my own relationships and stay completely out of theirs? Is that being supportive enough of him when he talks about it?

Any hints regarding not feeling abandoned on the one night?

Finally, has anyone experienced financial jealousy? How did you deal with it?

 

[PolyinPractice]

Clarification

I think it would help if you better explained the structure with her, and the expectations. It's amazing how often people fail to state them, or ask about other's expectations. I'm not saying you haven't, but that might be a good reason for your confusion and hurt.

If it's what it looks like, she gets him one night a week. She does not invest in your and his relationship, but only his. You and she are, at best, acquaintances. So, no, you really owe her nothing but common courtesies when you're around her, to treat her with basic respect.

If she tries to offload more onto you, you can gently explain that you don't feel you and she have the "level" of friendship, and that you, unfortunately, don't feel you can properly take on more at this time, and that you hope she understands. Even if this is a total lie, you do want to be on good terms with her, right? So play nice. Isn't that the same thing you would do for any other casual friend? And that's really a good way to see her. After that, any direct complaints to you could be met with a firm, "I'm very sorry, but I don't feel this is the time to talk about that," or whatever.

If, on the other hand, which you've hinted at-- or maybe it's both?-- he's the one who is bringing the drama home, that's a different issue. I'd be a lot more direct with him. After all, you have a relationship which warrants that. Make it very clear that you do not want to be burdened with his girlfriend's problems, that you don't mind who he dates, but you don't want to be dragged into her emotional/financial troubles.

Sound reasonable?

 

[bookbug]

You and your metamour seemingly have fairly good relationship, but as her metamour, it is certainly not your responsibility to see that her needs are met. That is up to her and him.

When your husband complains that her needs aren't being met, what does he expect you to do about it?

As for your metamour wanting her own partner, again that is up to her pursue. You can't go out and lasso one for her.

As for the one night a week that you feel abandoned, examine the source of this feeling. Do you have it when he goes to work or out to run errands? If the feeling is specific to his night out with her, you may want to examine what you fear. Also, is there any way you could get a babysitter and go out when he is with her?

 

[PolyinPractice]

Finances

As far as financial jealousy, it's really pretty rude for someone to brag about how much they make, then complain how they can't get what they want, especially around someone who makes less than they do. Maybe you could ask her to please not talk about money around you.

 

[Natja]

What is my responsibilty when she complains that she wants her own partner?

That is her problem, not yours.

Would it be best to just focus on my own relationships and stay completely out of theirs? Is that being supportive enough of him when he talks about it?

Yes, don't get involved in their issues. You can be supportive by offering him an ear, but don't try to 'solve' his problem, and don't slate her if he is whining, just tell him to talk it out with her.

Any hints regarding not feeling abandoned on the one night?

Do what you want to do when he isn't there. Watch that movie he hates, talk to a girlfriend for two hours on the phone, go online and read and write about poly, join OKCupid and chat with men, clean your toenails, pluck your eyebrows... Surely there is something you can do that doesn't include him?

Finally, has anyone experienced financial jealousy? How did you deal with it?

You get over it. There are plenty of people out there poorer than you are, so feel grateful that you have the money for the internet, a roof over your head, clean water, and children that I imagine are not starving. The best way to get over your envy is to realise there are people out there who would kill to have the life you have.

 

[bofish]

Their expectations are pretty simple. They expect to spend the night together once a week and spend the weekend together every so often.

She comes over occasionally for drinks. On these occasions she complains that she is not married and doesn't have a child. I am empathetic and listen.

He complains that his life is too fragmented. He, mostly, wanted her to spend time with us as a group to make his life easier. Sometimes he doesn't feel embarrassed as a whole because "we" are part of that whole.

But overall, I guess her needs are minimal and I'm lucky. Ironically, when I had lovers, I wanted them totally separate from my family. But they were always long-distance or problematic, so it was never every week.

Still, no one has mentioned the money. Does everyone belong to the same financial status? Or is this just something you don't discuss? Too bad she can't pay for the babysitter! LOL

I guess my husband and I were both hoping that she would hang out with our family more, and eventually live in the same building (probably with them in one apartment or him going back and forth). But I guess that's uncommon.

 

[bofish]

Good advice

I agree with everyone. It sounds like I need to stop worrying about this.

As far as the money and the rest, I think I'm just going to back away. I am the one who usually initiates spending time together. I am not going to do that anymore. I have so much going on in my life. Is it ok just to think that he leaves on Saturday night, and it's as if with any other friend?

I think the issue is part of me doesn't like the way she behaves. I don't like listening to someone complain for an hour about how their job bothers them, and they don't get enough respect, or make enough money, then find out they make three times our combined salaries! I also don't like to talk to someone for the next hour about how they wish they were married and had a kid. It sounds like passive-aggressive guilt laying.

But, I don't have to like it. I don't have to see her. Okay.

I think I've been sort of co-dependent. I want to free myself of that.

Thanks, everyone.

 

[Natja]

... then to find out they make three times our combined salaries! I don't like to talk to someone for the next hour about how they wish they were married and had a kid... But, I don't have to like it. I don't have to see her.

You know, it might not be guilt-tripping, but maybe a grass is greener thing. Maybe she would love to get married and have a baby. I think because you resent the fact she has the money, you might be ascribing motivation to everything she says. There are many women out there who make good money, and that is threatening to some men, so they find it hard to meet someone willing to settle down.

Maybe she is jealous of what you have, too. You both need to start to understand each other. You have a life she might like. She has an income you would like. Life is like that. I wouldn't give it more power than it deserves.

 

[IndieSolo]

Your husband's girlfriend has her own life and her own responsibilities. Surely you don't feel she should she take on yours? She earns a living and supports herself. Should she feel guilty or owe you anything because of that?

If your husband is not taking care of his obligations at home, the onus is on him to remedy that by making more effort to help you, romance you, co-parent, etc. It isn't up to her to step in and play Wife #2 so you can have an easier time of it. She's his girlfriend, not your co-wife. She is perfectly within her rights to live her life as she sees fit.

Your strategy is mixed up; your resentment is misplaced. You should be worrying about managing your relationship with him, not his relationship with her. She gets one night a week with him and is satisfied, doesn't want to infringe on your home life, and you resent her for that? For his attentions being elsewhere just one night a week? Many wives in similar poly situations would jump for joy if their husband's gf was happy with just that. If it was a hobby he enjoyed that took him out of the house, and he spent a little money on, one night a week, would you still feel upset about it?

Why don't you and your husband have sex anymore? It seems to me you're looking in the wrong direction for ways to have a better partnership with your husband. You should be focused on him, not her. Ask yourself:

Do I feel respected by him?
Do I feel valued by him?
Is my relationship with him all work and/or fighting, or is it joyful and fun?
Do I feel heard by him?

If you don't like the answers to those questions, you need to see how the dynamic might change, not by pressuring his gf to live with you, and take over some of your chores, but by discussing with your husband where he is not stepping up or living up to what you want out of your relationship with him.

 

[london]

It is just one day out of seven. You do not need your husband there every spare minute of his time for him to be a conscientious and responsible father. An evening and night away, once a week, is not a big deal. Pretending it is and you can't parent without him is a common method of halting any time with other people away from your watchful eye, though. He could spend one night a week away, and so could you. Nothing wrong with that at all. Let them do what they want to do.

It's very likely that to earn the money she does, his gf had to sacrifice a marriage and kids earlier on. I hope she can date other people and possibly find that.

Other than that, focus on yourself.

 

[bofish]

Once a week

I haven't communicated very well, sorry.

I didn't pressure her to do anything, certainly not live with us. I think I have confusion about poly. It seems when I read about gfs/metamours, they are often friends with the primary family, come over for dinner, etc. It sounds like (here) people write that a lot. So, is it more common for a gf to be a totally segregated part of her lover's life? That was just my own confusion about poly.

As far as the money, I don't care how much she makes. I do care that she complains endlessly without the awareness that others around her have a lot less. I also don't liken her not getting married to her financial status. She has always identified as poly and dated men who were not able to enter a marriage. She (to my knowledge) hasn't even dated someone open to marrying.

But, you are right. I have to let it go!! I have misfocussed here.

The relationship with my husband: no, I don't feel he's an equal partner. I don't always feel heard. I have no desire at all to have sex with him. However, he is a good husband in a lot of ways. I am not willing, at this point, to get a divorce, but we have been to counseling and have been aware of and working on our problems for five years. The issue is partly, you can work on stuff forever, but at the end of the day...you are who you are.

I didn't say I couldn't live without him once a week. I said it triggered my past issues of being abandoned as a child, notably when my single mother left me with a babysitter to go on dates, or left me in the living room of her boyfriend's apartment to fuck him in the bedroom, when I was age 7 or 8. Although many here might find that "normal," for me it was traumatic. I always felt my mother was giving love to her lovers when she didn't have enough for me. Then, I have had about 7 people close to me die. So, my husband going to his gf's triggers those feelings. It has nothing to do with either of them.

I do need to focus on myself. I want to/am going to put their relationship out of my mind. When I approached her about being friends, and she basically said no, at first I felt rejected, but now I feel relief.

I guess the fear comes from the fact that she only wants him in her life, not us. And she is aching for a partner. I guess my deep fear is that she wants to "take him away" from me. Yes, that is my fear.

 

[opalescent]

I didn't pressure her to do anything, certainly not live with us. I think I have confusion about poly. It seems when I read about GF they are often friends with the primary family who come over for dinner ect. It sounds like (here) people write that a lot. So, it is more common for a GF to be a totally segregated part of the lovers life? Thst was just my own confusion about poly.

There are a lot of different ways to do poly. There is no one right way (well, other than not cheating). Some people like the integrated, everyone-all-together way. Others like to keep the relationships strictly separate from each other. And there is every gradation in between. All are valid.

I don't care how much money she makes. I do care that she complains endlessly without the awareness that others around her have a lot less. I also don't liken her not getting married to her financial status. She has always identified as poly and dated men who were not able to enter a marriage. She (to my knowledge) hasn't even dated someone open to marrying.

She seems kinda whiny. If she wants a primary partner/husband, and is not dating people who actually want that, and then whines about it, I agree, that would be annoying. Some people just want to dwell endlessly on their problems without actually facing or solving them.

Tbh, it sounds like her not wanting to be more involved in your life is a blessing! It's best to let such people go on their way.

...

The relationship with my husband: I don't feel he's an equal partner. I don't always feel heard. I have no desire at all to have sex with him. However, he is a good husband in a lot of ways. I am not willing, at this point, to get a divorce. We have been to counseling and have been aware of and working on our problems for five years. The issue is, partly: you can work on stuff forever, but at the end of the day, you are who you are.

I didn't say I couldn't live without him once a week. I said it triggered my past issues of being abandoned as a child, notably when my single mother left me with a babysitter to date, or left me in the living room of her boyfriend's apartment to fuck him in the bedroom. Although many here might find that "normal," for me it was traumatic. I always felt my mother was giving love to her lovers when she didn't have enough for me. Then, I have had about 7 people close to me die. So, my husband going to her triggers those feelings. It has nothing to do with either of them.

It is good to recognize this. Just knowing that this is a trigger is a great step. Have you addressed these issues through therapy or other means? It will be painful, but you will be the better for it in the long run. This is something you can do for yourself.

I do need to focus on myself. I want to/am going to put their relationship out of my mind. When I approached her about being her friend and she said no, at first I felt rejected, but now I feel relief.

Yep, you dodged a whiny bullet there!

I guess the fear comes from the fact that she only wants him in her life, not us. And she is aching for a partner. I guess my deep fear is that she wants to "take him away" from me. Yes, that is my fear.

This might be legitimate. She might be what is called a cowgirl, i.e., a person who becomes involved with a poly person with the aim of 'roping' them off into a monogamous relationship. Yes, it sounds like she just wants him in her life. He is her lover. She's not interested in a friendship or deeper connection with you. But her interest in 'just' him does not automatically make her a cowgirl. And if she is a cowgirl, well, that is on him to deal with.

And to ask the obvious question, if she is interested in taking him away, what's the problem? You are unhappy. This has been going on for a while with little resolution, it seems. You mention he is a good husband in many ways. If those ways are that he is a good parent and provider, then you and he will still co-parent after a divorce. He can still provide for his children. Maybe looking at that fear squarely in the face will tell you something about you.

Good luck!

 

[Dagferi]

I didn't pressure her to do anything, certainly not live with us. I think I have confusion about poly. It seems when I read about gfs/metamours, they are often friends with the primary family, come over for dinner, etc. It sounds like (here) people write that a lot. So, is it more common for another partner to be a totally segregated part of their lover's life?

Murf and Butch do not really hang out as friends. They are cordial because of me. If Murf comes to my home with Butch it is to spend time with me. On occasion they will help each other out with something, but that is as a favor to me.

 

[WhatHappened]

I think I have confusion about poly. It seems when I read about metamours, they are often friends with the family...

I don't hang out with my BF and his wife, or go to their house when she's there. He tells me this is highly unusual among their friends.

I think the fear of your husband/wife leaving you for their girlfriend/boyfriend is very real. To me, it just stands to reason. Relationships, by definition, involve caring, feelings, wanting to be with someone. To me, this is one of the very real flaws with poly: the expectation that both people in this secondary relationship will be forever content with part-time. Apparently, some are, and yet relationships, as a general rule, do grow toward more, or die. They don't stay once a week forever. There's a long list of members of this board who have either left their spouse, or been left by their spouse, for the outside relationship.