Advice-- jealousy

M

Malkie

New member
Hello World,

Well, I'm here and I hope to get some answers, as it were.

I've always been polyamorous. One sexual partner alone doesn't do it for me. I've always felt attraction to other people, which could have been more then mere sex, in a lot of cases. I never heard of polyamory until about 6 months ago.

I met a girl at a fetish party. We just stuck a total chord, which I was told was a one in a million. So we got together, just enjoyed each other's company. I knew how she was. I was understanding, yet lacking understanding.

I was a bit funny when she was with her master, or some people, but thought little of it. But then she said she had fallen for me, and I knew I had her.

Now that's, in small part, the problem. I've not been in love for a long time. This is a totally new way of things for me. I do get envious of of her other partners, sometimes. But one in general has me, because he is close by and she can see him easily. She even has a pet name for him. So I feel a bit shattered. Although she said it's nothing to worry about, I see less and less of her.

In general, I'm reading The Ethical Slut, and trying to get my head around the jealousy and sluts in love sections. Neither is helping, but actually making it worse.

I know, in part, my own lack of any other connection bar her is a problem, and sadly it's like being any single guy. Slowly and surely things will come along.

I just am annoyed the book says, "Relax, jealousy is okay," but I'm not learning to feel better about it, because it says I need my needs to be met-- which they aren't. And I don't know what in the dark lord's name to do about it.

Gah at world

Bryce
 
It sounds like your jealousy is indicating that you are feeling insecure on some level. The way to get around that is to try to enforce your feelings of security. How you do that is very individualistic.

If you are the logical type, you could think abut the good times you have together and realize that there is no reason for her to give that up.

You could talk about what each of you likes in the other. You could tell her you are feeling a little insecure and would like to know she wants to be with you.

Some of your jealousy could be envy of her other partner. Dealing with that takes other approaches. You could try to feel compersion by being happy that she is happy. Or you could realize that what you two have together is unique, and that is something that is not between them. Or you could try to focus on the idea that since you are apart more often, your time together will be that much more special.
 
Hello World,

Yes, jealousy in part, but more envy in whole. In a way, yes, I worry about losing those I care about. as me caring about anyone is a rarity. It's love, actually. I wasn't meant to fall for her, as my head kept saying. My heart had other ideas.

I always saw myself as a slut without attachments. It seems it doesn't work. But yes, thinking about the good things. She loves me also, which was a bit of an oh my gosh moment for her also.

I did speak to her and she did settle things. I, in a great part, just don't have as many people to go to for any kind of support, which is what I'm envious of, compared to other people.

But she had said to me I was that one person she could go to for anything (which everyone says lol).

But yeah, I do have some insecurities. I've found partners, but in a bad sense, they all have gotten greatly attached rather quickly. I'm just amazed I found this girl to begin with.

Thank you for your words,
Bryce
 
I have to say that I didn't do too well with the Ethical Slut book, and I know other poly folks that haven't either.

One of the ways of thinking that I have found useful is to stop thinking of jealousy as the problem, but instead as a symptom. A symptom that you are not getting something that you feel you should bet getting.

This may be due to you having unrealistic expectations about what the relationship has to offer, but it might also be that your perfectly reasonable desires aren't being met.

Either way the best way to try to resolve this is to communicate with your loved one(s). Try to get to the bottom of what is going on, and see if you can reach some sort of agreement about how your needs can be met... or if they can't maybe you need to move on.
 
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